I wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up. I wish I could go back to before I stopped typing with proper punctuation because it was cool, and I wish I'd liked how my glasses looked on my face before I grew to hate what sat behind them. I wish I'd learned to love loving to learn at school, before it became an obligation, and I wish I'd learned how to learn well, before my flaws were pulled from under my feet, before I was put out of place. I wish I'd kept secrets and inside jokes to myself, so I could look back on them without the soft aches of loss; and I same with the same with my friendships before realizing the cost. I wish I'd never learned to watch my weight and then others' bodies for the pieces that don't match mine wish I'd never learned to tune out dark jokes and curses that raised hell, wish i hadn't laughed at ones that made me cry, wish I'd never wanted more than what I was comfortable with, because it would only be too late and by then I'd have to wait for time to cure. I wish I'd never found pain in taking myself apart, telling myself it was the only way to be free, wish I'd never pushed that child to the depths of my mind, wish I wasn't haunted by my art, wish I hadn't kept smiling, wish i hadn't acted for my head, but my heart, and then let the vicious thoughts die before they could start, wish i'd looked around the world with bigger eyes while i could, wish i'd said something for the spotlight instead of being resigned to the sidelines, giving more than i should. i wish i hadn't been afraid of the future and then again living in it, i wish i could make promises i could finish, wish i'd been more like peter and not wendy, chasing after the fantastical instead of things that could mend me. i wish i'd left my scars to heal rather than dredge them back up, and mostly i just wish i'd never grown up.
I wish I'd never grown up.
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOD
