Jai 🌸 @xjxaxi - Tumblr Blog

None

July 8, 2022 : 10:29AM

April 5 3am, Easter Sunday

It’s been more than a month that i feel down, feel sad, feel betrayed but i dont feel any anger. Im just tired of people around me. Im just exhausted of being me. And while I start to feel this way, i reflect. i reflect, if this is God’s real plan for me? or im just trying to align it to my favor? to my own choices? to my own desire? At first i was so positive to say that “i think God has a better plan for me”. But deep down inside I was questioning my life CHOICES AGAIN. As if He just let me enjoy everything during the phase of how good my business is last year. I was and still asking God if is this really His plan for me. Is this the only way for Him to say “you need to pause”. The stillness for me is just an idle time to overthink and to question everything in between. Until now im still there, still re-writing my 2026 plans. Still finding all the signs that the universe can give. My mind can stop thinking how can I survive this phase. How can i survive all the pain. How can I survive this alone.

But im still hopeful that before 2026 ends another chapter will open. Another blessing will happen. I know God is just preparing for something. For now I just need to let GO everything that can help me physically, emotionally and mentally AND LET GOD.

I hope that the moment i read this again, there is a big NEWS for me. A NEW CHAPTER AWAITING FOR ME.

in God’s perfect time!

🧿

taylorswift

My favorite part about writing is that first spark of an idea. It can happen at any time, for any reason. The idea for the Opalite music video crash landed into my imagination when I was doing promo for The Life of a Showgirl. I was a guest on one of my favorite shows, The Graham Norton Show. For those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s a UK late night show where Graham Norton (the insanely charismatic and lovable host) invites a random group of actors, entertainers, musicians, etc to be on his show and we all sit there and chat like it’s a dinner party. They even serve wine. Anyway. I remember thinking I got ridiculously lucky with the group I was paired with. Cillian Murphy, Domhnall Gleeson, Greta Lee, Jodie Turner-Smith, and Lewis Capaldi. All people whose work I’ve admired from afar. When we were all talking during the broadcast, Domhnall made a light hearted joke about wanting to be in one of my music videos. He’s Irish! He was joking! Except that in that moment during the interview, I was instantly struck with an *idea*. And so a week later he received an email script I’d written for the Opalite video, where he was playing the starring role. I had this thought that it would be wild if all of our fellow guests on the Graham Norton show that night, including Graham himself, could be a part of it too. Like a school group project but for adults and it isn’t mandatory. To my delight, everyone from the show made the effort to time travel back to the 90’s with us and help with this video. You might even recognize some friendly faces from The Eras Tour. I got to work with one of my favorite people in the world, Rodrigo Prieto, again! I had more fun than I ever imagined - Made new friends, metaphors, and fashion choices. It was an absolute thrill to create this story and these characters. Shot on film. The Opalite video is out now on Spotify & Apple Music.

https://taylor.lnk.to/OpaliteMusicVideo

I love how independent I’ve become.

I love being myself lately.

I love being alone.

I love being me again.

It’s been seven years since I felt this way.

I spent most of my teen and early adult years with people I thought I’d marry.

But maybe this is the universe reminding me—

I am capable of being ME. Just ME.

I’ll be honest—I lost my spark for business.

It’s been almost 11 months of doing pop-ups,

meeting new people, building connections,

gaining new friends, and meeting the loveliest customers.

Then came two months of doing nothing.

No chasing, no reaching out, just… stillness.

I waited.

And now, I feel the fire slowly coming back.

I’m working again—brainstorming with myself, like I used to.

I’m falling in love with it again—

With the passion, the purpose, the dedication.

I’m proud of my 21-year-old self—

The girl who sold in school while working on her thesis.

The sadness still comes.

The unproductive days, too.

But I know one day—

Someday—

I’ll be okay.

I’m slowly working on myself,

while working on my side hustle. 🫶🏻

A life of a terrible woman with PCOS. Im so sorry self for harming you, for physically hurting you and for being in a body that you dont deserve.

The day i found out na may PCOS ako gusto ko isisi lahat ng taong nanakit sakin. Hindi na bago to for me before pero after being so conscious sa food to biglang taba after all the stress na binigay nila ito na pala resulta.

Am I to selfish to say this….

Ive been on a rocky relationship for about half a year already. Its hard. Its suffocating. Feeling ko hindi na siya yung pahinga ko. Hindi ko na masabing im finally home sa taong to. I don’t know. Kung anong tamang landas yung pupuntahan ko sa mga susunod na decision ko. Iniisip ko pa lang nasasaktan na ko, nahihirapan na ko. Paano sila pero mas paano ako? Paano ko emotionally, physically and mentally. Nakakadrain, nakakabobo at lalong nakakapagod. I don’t see anything in the future. Sobrang blurred na niya to the point na parang nasa acceptance stage na ko. Na deserve ko magisa. Deserve ko yun kasi ndi na ko buo. Mali ba na laging ireason ko si mama? Mali ba na hindi ko na kaya ibigay yung sarili ko kasi half of me wala na, patay na? Sa totoo lang gusto ko na lang matapos yung life ko ngayon. Gusto ko na iend lahat. Those temporary excitements na nararamdaman ko like buying things i like, meeting friends and even talking to stranger sa isang iglap nagbabago lahat. Then eventually mawawala na naman. Sasabihin ko na naman ndi ko na deserve sa mundo to :( nakakapagod

COLLEEN HOOVER SUPREMACY

I just recently discover Colleen while browsing Pinterest but before that I’ve been seeing It Ends with Us from different social media platform. I just saved it just in case i forgot the title and just in time, my d-day i went to Fullybooked to check what’s new. Btw im not gonna call myself a book wormer. Oh its that even a word? Lol. But i read a lot of books but i bought a lot of books more than i read books. So while browsing in the bookstore i finally saw IEWU and without hesitation i bought it. I just told myself that this is one of my bday gift to myself. It took 3 days or a week to start reading it. But after few pages and story became interesting i finished it today. My friend told me that this book was a bit hype only and its not worth to read. But me, i feel Colleen, i feel Lily and i feel Ryle. Every scenarios, every situations where Lily had to protect his mom to his abusive dad there’s me crying behind the book. Thinking about how i saw same situation since i was a grade school up until college. It was a miserable life, it was hard. Coz all you have to do is to tell them to stop. That you just grew up waiting for them to start fighting then you start screaming and stop them again and again. Nothing to spoil here but its just that this book is very timely. That i had to write in here, my safe space, my diary and my outlet. Very timely to the point i was asking myself why people can’t easily forgive other people. Been there and still there. The trauma i had when i was a kid - it’s hard as f*ck now that im thinking about it. I thought i forgave everyone but this time its different. Especially that im a bit old and matured now. But Lily’s story make me realize that the effect of what happened to you when you were a child is what have you become in the future. The fearfulness of getting touch by a person you don’t know. The reason why you got scar in your head because your dad and mom was fighting then when he throw the stainless glass to your mom it exactly fled to your forehead. The exact word told by your boss that having physical pain can possible be related to your childhood, kind of trauma. And stories related to domestic abuse triggers you even more. IT SVCKS. That i overcome everything while growing up. I don’t wanna add those here but it hurts me like hell whenever i hear my mom cry and what’s even worse is to feel this pain again after my mom leave us. I already forgave my dad. I gave him a chance to become a better dad to us. I guess that’s the main reason why my mom left as last year because he wants my dad to become a good father as he never did before. I just hope that one day i can also forget all those days that whenever i cant control the chaos in our house i smashed my head in the wall, hurt myself by blades and crying every night. I hope mama knows how i protect her before i hope at that point she knows that i love her and i hate her seeing her with those bruises. I love you mom thank you for being a good mom to us and for helping us to forgive papa. I know that you love him so much to the point that you have to endure all the pain for 27yrs. We love you. Again, I WANT TO BE YOU WHEN I GROW UP. BRAVE AND BOLD. Lovelots, jai

#colleenhoover

taylorswift

I know some of you thought that would be like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer BUT…you played it good & right. Congrats pals, you guessed the correct titles and feature artists on Red (my version). The vault tracks will feature Chris Stapleton, Phoebe Bridgers, Mark Foster and the first song Ed Sheeran and I ever wrote together the first time we met in 2012❗️I can’t express my gratitude enough to these artists for helping me bring these songs to life. I can’t wait til we can dust off our highest hopes and relive these memories together. We’ll also be making a bunch of new ones too, since Red (Taylor’s Version) includes so many songs you haven’t heard yet. Til then, I’ll be counting down and picturing it all in my head. In burning red.

Red (Taylor’s Version) out November 19. Pre-order now: http://Taylor.lnk.to/redtaylorsversion

July 30,2021

Ang araw na gumuho ang mundo naming lahat.

2 linggo namin tiniis makita ang hirap nang aming ina.

Hindi nagbabago ang kabog ng dibdib ng lahat sa takot ng mga balitang naririnig namin.

Akala ko pwede pa, akala ko kaya pa. Sabi mo kasi "lumaban kayo, kasi lumalaban ako"

Pinanghawakan ko ang mga pangako mo mahal kong ina.

Ngunit alam namin na hindi na kinaya ng katawan mo.

Ma, hindi man kami nakapagpaalam ng maayos sayo.

Pero sana alam mo na simula ng ipanganak mo kami hanggang sa huling sandali mo isa lang ang binibigkas namin

"Napakaswerte namin nila Papa, Genbo at Ate na ikaw ang ilaw ng aming TAHANAN"

Hanggang sa muli mahal kong INA! Hanggang sa susunod na buhay ikaw at ikaw pa din ang pipiliin ko maging INA ko.

MAHAL NA MAHAL KA NAMIN

7yrs in tumblr today 🤎

Its been 3yrs.

1 yr na pagmomove on.

1 yr na sakripisyo.

1 yr na gumunaw pero nagpabago ng buhay ko.

Sa twing binabalikan ko ang bawat litrato ko sa FB nanatiling gising ang utak ko.

Hindi dahil hinahanap hanap ko ang presinsya mo kundi pinapagpapasalamat ko.

Marami akong natutunan sa yugtong ito.

Sa bawat sakit, iyak, kirot at pagmamatigas ko.

Malaking bagay pala ang kapalit nito.

At yun ang makilala ko SIYA at ang mga tunay na tao sa buhay ko.

I hope you help me build my confidence in writing in english! Coz i always want to be a writer ❤️ CC will be accepted God bless and keep safe everyone!

Its March 19,2020 1:58am, its been a while diary. Its been 3 months 2020 but you bring us more pain than 2019. Its so sad that earth is now under state of calamity due to COVID-2019. I never thought that one day I'll be part of the history, history that I'll be telling to my children and grandchildren. World is suffering from sickness without any cure. But with the help of God and frontliners nothing is possible. Anw can i just share my story tonight.

Its been 3 days since i totally shutdown my social media accounts. Limiting my self from ranting, talking, overthinking, crying, hurting,from being vulnerable, fragile and SICK. I dont know why im suffering this anxiety again, i thought after checking with a counselor things will be fine. Things will be in the right place, but after all that incident last December I DIE. I became angrier than what i thought, i became the person i hate the most. Positivity don't let me in, im stuck with a lot of IFS and BUTS. I always think about my family, my mom, my dad and it was a nightmare for me :( words are not enough to describe how i feel and things is get tougher:( i cry every night, every morning, in the middle of work, watching tv and even taking a bath. It was hard but im trying i keep trying. All i can do right now is to pray and to have peace in mind. Im tired, exhausted and wanna die but this is diff from before. Its now me and myself. I dont know how but i will try my best to be more patient, to be more positive, remove negativity, to move on, to remove all the anger in my heart and let God complete all the emptiness inside me. I hope you have a great day everyday self!

taylorswift

I’m proud to extend my partnership with Lucian Grainge and the Universal Music family by signing with Universal Music Publishing Group, and for the opportunity to work with Jody Gerson, the first woman to run a major music publishing company. Jody is an advocate for women’s empowerment and one of the most-respected and accomplished industry leaders. Troy Tomlinson has been an amazing part of my team for over half my life and a passionate torchbearer for songwriters. It’s an honor to get to work with such an incredible team, especially when it comes to my favorite thing in the world: songwriting. 🎶😄 & swipe photos to see one of my other fav things: a fluffy floofy cat.

Magugulat ka na lang.

Tatanungin mo sarili mo

Saan ang mali.

Saan ang kulang.

Sabay untog sa salamin.

Habang pinagmamasdan mo ang sarili mo.

At unti unting pagbagsak ng mga luha mo.

Hindi alam saan magsisimula.

Panibagong mundo at panibagong pinto.

Di alam kung hahakbang pa ba.

Sa bawat katok na naririnig mo.

Iniisip mo “sasaktan lang ako nito”

Bigla mo narinig ang malakas uli na tunog

Mga kaibigan mo hiling na sana pinto ay bukan mo

Panibagong simula kahit puso ay naghihilom pa

Panibagong mundo kasama ay ibang tao na.

Ngunit patuloy ang pagdududa sa sarili

Sagot mo ay “hindi pa ko handa”

Mga bagay na pati puso mo ay tumugma

Pero handa pa din magbigay ng puwang para sa kanila

wrote this almost 1yr and half

#tula #tugma #poem #tagalog #tulangtagalog

Hii jainnella keep on writing

aww thank youuu.

Keep it PRIVATE but not a Secret

It’s been 10months since i enter a relationship. Few friends and families know about this but im happy kasi mas ndi nakakasakal yung feeling na madami nakakaalam. kasi sa kaunting post mo iisipin nila broken ka or nagaway kayo. I must say that those months test my patience kasi matured na siya ako may pagkaisip bata at spoiled pa. I admit it and i wont deny it but thanks God he was able to handle my tantrums, he was there when im mad,sad,happy and sa mga rant days na rin. I can express everything that i feel, i can share whatever i want and with that nakakapagbigay siya ng opinions na negative or positive which i really apply it to myself right after. Masarap pala sa feeling na magaan lagi yung pakiramdam mo. My away moment but to think na for those months wala ko maalala na tumagal ung away namin for 24hrs thanks God kinaya ko din ang tantrums niya. peace love :D But let’s go to what i wanna share...

actually i just saw something in FB a while ago and it says like this “isang taon na ko humihiling mag ka BF/GF”

that was the time na sabi ko “ive been there” i keep looking for something na hindi pa naman dapat dumadating, hindi naman dapat hanapin at hindi naman dapat madaliin. Yes, for me madali na lang to say this but at the end of the day sasabihin mo sa sarili mo yan or anytime soon dahil yung moment na you don’t have someone na kagaya ng mga nabanggit ko yun ung mga moment na kailangan mo ieenjoy yung sarili mo, with friends and family. To sum it up lemme share something to you guys.

2018 was the worst year for me. My ex and I broke up Dec 2017 and all the pains brought me over the year. Pero that year yung siguro ndi ko masasabing nagsisisi ako. I live my life to the fullest, i went to bar every weekend, i travel every 3 months and planned every walwal moments kasi nga sabi ko gusto ko patayin yung moments na magisa ko kasi masasaktan lang ako.

Until 2019 came, a lot of things happened. May plot twist na agad ako nagsisimula pa lang yung taon but some part of me pala naghahanap pa din ng kulang ndi sa ibang tao kundi sa sarili ko. After talking to a counselor dun ako na lighten up na and today as im writing this drama gusto ko lang malaman niyo na 2019 is not also a good year for me but it was really fun because nahanap ko yung sarili ko, natututo akong tumayo sa sarili ko, tinuruan ako ng taong kasama ko ngayon ng napakdaming bagay at mas naging positive ako na kahit ganun kagulo yung 2019 ko ang dami kong nilolook-forward for 2020.

Kaya sa mga makakabasa nito, sana maalis na lahat ng pain na nararamdaman mo, mawala na yung galit na anjan sa puso mo, magenjoy ka lang sa buhay mo kasi madami ka marerealize talaga while enjoying your life alone and mostly pray to God na willing ka magantay sa kung ano man ang ibibigay Niya maparelation man to o sa ibang bahay.

again Happy Holidays everyone and God bless you.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Jai 🌸