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uufffffgghh….,,,,

[xololoxo]

digital diary ₊˚⊹♡

22 she/her mentally ill gross disgusting girl

( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;)

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i’m so horny i want to kill my self

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fuck i’m full sending a relapse now

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okay i’m failing again, maybe just a little relapse, im so itchy for something that feels good

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i can’t believe all the things i put him through and he stays, i don’t understand why guys like this kind of self harm really. they always joke about the bpd girls but get so fucking sucked into the world and so quickly too, and they play along and they enjoy the torment of it all from both ends the same way i do and it’s like—why do we do any of this. i don’t even cum when we have sex! and i’m going to kill myself in this current arrangement! tell me what i am doing??

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i always have to go full black or white; i do one thing vaguely wrong and full send the bad decisions; oh, im bad for this? well im so bad and disgusting and ill show you truly deplorable and ill make you so sick and make you hate me—and none of this is anything that i had wanted but it feels right and good in the moment and ill show you!! i’ll show you!!! i fucking hate you!

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i’ve done such a good job of nuking this account of triggers and bad decisions, but times like these i miss them so badly. what else am i supposed to do? and now every thing is empty, i just want comfort and purpose and something to make me feel good. i just want to feel good

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i leave this account because i’m getting better and then always run back. the only thing i’ve been kind of better about is my porn addiction and masturbation habits, and even then i’ve only put the tiniest of limitations on that. i keep telling myself ill delete that account and block that website—i never do and in times like this ill run back to the gross shit to make me feel better

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i am better off dead than anywhere near humanity i can’t take it anymore i just can’t

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fuck i’m toooo fucking drunk

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i’m so uncomfortable on the floor of my sisters apartment because i got kicked out of my boyfriends house

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so regressive it’s embarrassing. i will never be able to be vulnerable with you in the ways that i need to

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sex so unsatisfying we’re both threatening suicide afterwards

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age regressive sex yesterday and practically rape today

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i regret trying to build anything, it’s too much and i don’t think it is what i really want

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it is always the same with every body and it’s easier to pin it on me rather than admit you were wrong

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i have a healthy and normal relationship with sexual gratification and consuming pornographic content. i promise