I think Ouyang and Ayushiridara are such fascinating parallels when it comes to characters who are simultaneously gay and homophobic. Both of them are so repressed it’s bordering on self-harm, but it wasn’t until I read an essay* about how gay men’s yearning for masculinity and internalized homophobia are linked, that I realized how some their behaviors and the objects of their attraction contrast and mirror each other.
*Ruumiin ylittävä ääni by Tuomas Aitonurmi (sorry, there’s no english version)
The essayist talks about how some gay men view straight men as inherently more masculine than gay men, and fantasize about or pursue straight men because of it. And he argues that for many of these men, the fantasy of being with a straight, masculine man becomes a form of looking down on the perceived femininity of yourself as a gay man (and other gay men who are deemed as less masculine and thus less desirable).
The pattern of desiring a masculine, presumably straight man as a means of looking down on yourself is very clearly present in Ouyang’s yearning for Esen. Ouyang, who hates any trace of femininity both in himself and others to the point of misogyny, might love Esen for who he is, but he also yearns for that masculinity Esen has.
That is also why desiring Esen is so hurtful for Ouyang. Wanting to be like and wanting to have the ”purely masculine” Esen will always remind him of the shame of desiring another man, as well as the shame of always being incomplete in comparison to him.
Esen’s manliness and perceived heterosexuality are exactly what make him seem so unattainable yet desirable to Ouyang. The idea that in order to be masculine you also have to be heterosexual is also the reason why Ouyang can never truly admit his feelings towards Esen, let alone act on them, because that would emasculate both Esen and himself. Because masculinity and desire for other men, masculinity and tenderness between two men simply cannot coexist on Ouyang’s mind.
Then, as a twisted funhouse mirror for Ouyang, we have Ayushiridara, whose internalized homophobia and self-hatred can be seen in the way he treats Baoxiang.
Ayushiridara is very deep in the closet, and tries to act as masculine as possible so others wouldn’t view him as queer or effeminate. He is simultaneously repulsed by and attracted to Baoxiang, who represents everything Ayushiridara wants to suppress in himself.
In public, he makes a show to mock Baoxiang in order to distance himself from any resemblance to him. Even in private, he verbally and physically tries to keep up that distance to make it clear that he is not like Baoxiang. He literally leaves Baoxiang bruised when they have sex in a desperate attempt to display his manliness. It’s an act of punishing Baoxiang for daring to be effeminate and openly admitting his desire for men.
But him treating Baoxiang this way also reads as an act of Ayushiridara hating and punishing himself for being similar to Baoxiang and desiring him. Every time he says something hateful to Baoxiang, it feels like he is also talking about how much he hates himself, but cannot really even admit having those qualities that Baoxiang openly displays.
Soo tl;dr:
Ouyang is a toxic masc4masc bc he hates himself, while Ayu seeks out twinks to berate them because he hates himself? Thanks for coming to my ted talk etc
(ps I’m not a gay man nor a gender studies scholar so please let me know your takes on this and feel free to expand on this topic!!)
vaporwave
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
