"This is my last confessional and I'm not gonna lie you guys, even though I'll miss Steven's funny post-confessional humor, I'm happy to go back into anonymity. I mean, for the most part."
Nothing has really changed since the last time I sat down here. I'm still single, I'm sure that's what you're all interested in hearing about. Trey and I have spoken a little since everything that happened but there's nothing to say there really. Plus, that's a part of my life that I want to keep to myself, especially considering the fact that I don't know what's going on between us. You don't stop loving someone because of a mistake, everyone knows that. I will say that I've been listening to Sophia's song a lot, 'The heart wants what it wants'? Yeah, that's an emotional wreck just waiting to happen. I'm not ashamed of admitting that I have spent a few nights crying about it but that's normal. Any way's whatever happens, happens. Yeah I'm lonely but I'll get over it.
Since this is my last time here I figure I can be a little more open so why not. The kind of sadness I feel right now, it's different. Last time I went through a breakup, it was ugly but I just felt shit about myself. I blamed myself, I thought it was me that needed fixing and it was really bad. I still feel the side effects of it today but this time, it's so different. It's like I'm hollow, like I'm missing something so important but I can't reach out and get it back. I don't know how to describe it other than this nagging pain that I have to distract myself from feeling. And this time, not even getting high helps because when your emotions are heightened, only the negative ones really get hyped up and it's just... a mess.
Some people expect me to hate Chastity or look at her differently after what happened. I know that because of how they look at me or how things get awkward when we're in the same room. I can't say I'm really happy with her or I don't feel anything when she steps into the room but it's not like I hate her, I never could. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt knowing the person you're in love with happens to like her, or that she feels the same way about him. There is anger somewhere in me directed at her but that's just something I can't control, no matter how hard I try to. I can't look at her the same way but I'm not going to go out of my way to ruin any ties I have with her. We weren't exactly close before so it shouldn't be too hard to maintain a certain distant relationship. I honestly don't know what I'd do if her and Trey were to get together though. I think that'd be a low blow.
I know that I'm supposed to be grateful for this trip and I am, it has been sort of amazing at times but I can't wait to get out of here and go back home where I can just get back to work and find distractions that might get me through whatever it is that I'm going through. I need it. The one thing I have loved about this trip is the amazing friendships I've made, or the ones I'm starting to make. I've gotten so much closer to Sophia and Tephy and all these amazing girls that are so incredibly sweet. I've also managed to make new guy friends like Joey.
Speaking of, I'm going to be sitting next to him on the plane, since he asked me to be his plane buddy. I never really expected to be friends with him but we clicked, he has a really cool personality and it's always nice to meet people you can just, hang out with. He seems like the kind of person that will just be there when you need him which also makes me think he needs someone to be there for him, and I would love to help if he lets me. Honestly I'm just glad I got to make a new friend that doesn't look at me like I'm about to fall to pieces after this week.
There are also these questions I hear I have to answer, so let's get through these real quick.
1). Did anything major happen to you on this trip? Pretty sure my breaking up with Trey could be considered something major.
2). Did you hook up with anyone? If so, who? With Trey. Pre-break up.
3). Did anything happen that surprised you? If so, how do you feel about it? Everything that happened here pretty much blind sided me. I feel shaken, confused, sad... but I will survive.
4). Was there anything you thought was going to happen that didn’t? I thought I was going to have a really relaxing time with the person I loved, just getting to escape from the real world. Turns out I got exactly the opposite.
5). Recap your Bora Bora experience for us: Please don't make me do that. It was in a nutshell, too fucked up to recap. It's not worth dwelling over either.
I think that pretty much sums things up. I hope I gave you enough material to work with but it's about time for me to finally say, hasta la vista baby!
❝Before everyone just new me as Cleon's baby sister. Maybe they even saw me as that pale little blonde chick that poses for pictures in magazines. This morning was the first time I actually saw pity in their eyes.❞
Niko took a deep breath as she walked into the small room, crowded with the camera men and producers that lined the walls, their inquisitive eyes following her uneasy steps to the chair placed strategically in the center of the room, the ideal spot to inflict judgement. Her eyes were cast downwards as she approached the seat, her brief and fruitless self motivational rant still buzzing through her head almost thirty minutes from the moment she'd started. It wasn't like the soft pleas of 'don't cry on camera' and 'stay strong' would do much good when she actually had to speak about the situation but it did seem to improve her appearance a bit. At least she'd manage to put on a soft smile, even if it was obviously forced. A minute passed, then five and finally fifteen before the Steven, the same camera man that had witnessed her previous confession, cleared his throat in hopes of bring her back from her dazed state and get this show on the road. The gesture didn't shake her as she knew they'd intended it to but she did sit up straight and look at the camera, nodding curtly as her eyes bore into the lens. "I'm sorry that bubbly happy Niko couldn't make it to this little session, I know I must seem different from the last time I was in here. I hope no one mind's too much."
The individuals surrounding her weren't made of stone, even though it seemed like their sole goal was to get high ratings on their little special edition t.v show, they were burdened with a sense of humanity, which is probably why a sudden sense of empathy or compassion filled the room the second Nikolina's lip quivered as she was about to speak. They didn't shut off the cameras or hug her, but the sympathy was there. But to the blonde, it just felt like pity. A sentiment she never knew she hated until she'd awoken that morning. "For someone who's lived in the spotlight for so many years, I've never really been used to attention. Or well, attention from my peers. I Before everyone just new me as Cleon's baby sister. Maybe they even saw me as that pale little blonde chick that poses for pictures in magazines. I mean, I'm just a kid with a few problems but I'm okay for the most part and well, I don't really have problems with the people I've met thanks to my career or my family or the media. I don't want to be noticed I guess, I like just being there.This morning was the first time I actually saw pity in their eyes, the first time I saw people look at me and think oh there's Niko, she's not doing so good today. I remember when no one cared whether I was not doing good and it wasn't bad, it was a relief to know I didn't have to go through it with everyone watching. Sorry, this might be shit to edit in post, I'll try to get to the point."
She chewed on her bottom lip as she tried to gather her thoughts and actually go some where with her words, attempt to piece together the chaos that ensued in a matter of hours. "I know you want me to talk about Trey," Her plump lips quivered again as she spoke his name, her teeth sinking into the flesh as she tried to control her tear ducts, willing the water not to spill over just yet. "It's not exactly a secret that we're not together at the mom-.. anymore. Uh, it's not something I want to talk about since we broke up only a few hours ago. I'm also not going to go into details of why or who did it or is what E! said true or not. I shouldn't have to because so much of my life is already public and this should just stay private. It was hard enough having to accept the fact that something I cherished so much is over without adding the pain that having it published brings." Her blue orbs looked even more vibrant than usual as tears pooled in her eyes, the smile she'd strut into the room bearing now fighting to stay afloat.
"The only thing I'm going to say about it is, yes, I love him. A lot of people might think, 'you're 18, you don't know what love is yet' but I do know that I love him and I love him a lot. He makes me happy. He took away so much pain that I was living with and he brought the sunshine back into my life, I know it sounds cheesy but it's completely true. He fixed me when I was broken and showed me that so many things weren't my fault. He also made me feel beautiful, confident, like I could conquer the world and that nothing would go wrong if I stood up for myself. Not having him in my life is something I don't ever want to consider. I'm not going to say negative things about him because we're not together and I don't support what anyone says that might hurt him. I will stand up for him always."
Melissa, one of the producers that Niko was familiar with took advantage of the brief silence that followed Niko's speech to step forward with her clip board, most likely full of notes and little secrets that she'd spit out without a moments notice. 'Last night you spoke with Carter about needing his help and then you were seen heading to Zane's bungalow, can you tell us what that was about?' The petite female squirmed in her seat as her eyes darted across the room. "They helped. I didn't do anything with them if that's what anyone was thinking, I'm not like that but.. they have their ways. I don't even know why it's making me nervous to say it, it's not like it's a big secret," she said with a tired laugh. "They helped me get high. It had been a while yeah, I've been trying to stop for a while and I'd been good but I just.. needed it last night. So they helped. And it was great. I felt okay, for a little while and honestly what more could I ask for. I know I might get judged for it and I'm going to get an earful from my mom and probably from other people that say they care but right now, I don't care. This is how I cope and unless you have a better way, I'm sticking to what I know. I think I've said enough now." With a final surge of bravery, Nikolina smiled at the camera and nodded, getting up and walking to the exit, her arms already extended in anticipation for the mic to be removed.
"If I have nothing interesting to say, will this still be aired?"
"I don't really know what I'm supposed to say right now to be completely honest. I didn't go to Cabo last time, although I did watch which should give me some sort of an inkling as to what one has to say here, but I can't think of a thing to say for the life of me. Probably because everything is good. My love life is good, my relationship with my brother is good, my friendships are good. Everything is great. Just great. I am sorry for being such a boring addition to this little confessions booth but it's all I've got for now and honestly, I hope it stays like this. Good is good, its new to me."
turnnoffyourmind
gummygunk
kaledo-art
izzy806
