"This is my last confessional and I'm not gonna lie you guys, even though I'll miss Steven's funny post-confessional humor, I'm happy to go back into anonymity. I mean, for the most part."
Nothing has really changed since the last time I sat down here. I'm still single, I'm sure that's what you're all interested in hearing about. Trey and I have spoken a little since everything that happened but there's nothing to say there really. Plus, that's a part of my life that I want to keep to myself, especially considering the fact that I don't know what's going on between us. You don't stop loving someone because of a mistake, everyone knows that. I will say that I've been listening to Sophia's song a lot, 'The heart wants what it wants'? Yeah, that's an emotional wreck just waiting to happen. I'm not ashamed of admitting that I have spent a few nights crying about it but that's normal. Any way's whatever happens, happens. Yeah I'm lonely but I'll get over it.
Since this is my last time here I figure I can be a little more open so why not. The kind of sadness I feel right now, it's different. Last time I went through a breakup, it was ugly but I just felt shit about myself. I blamed myself, I thought it was me that needed fixing and it was really bad. I still feel the side effects of it today but this time, it's so different. It's like I'm hollow, like I'm missing something so important but I can't reach out and get it back. I don't know how to describe it other than this nagging pain that I have to distract myself from feeling. And this time, not even getting high helps because when your emotions are heightened, only the negative ones really get hyped up and it's just... a mess.
Some people expect me to hate Chastity or look at her differently after what happened. I know that because of how they look at me or how things get awkward when we're in the same room. I can't say I'm really happy with her or I don't feel anything when she steps into the room but it's not like I hate her, I never could. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt knowing the person you're in love with happens to like her, or that she feels the same way about him. There is anger somewhere in me directed at her but that's just something I can't control, no matter how hard I try to. I can't look at her the same way but I'm not going to go out of my way to ruin any ties I have with her. We weren't exactly close before so it shouldn't be too hard to maintain a certain distant relationship. I honestly don't know what I'd do if her and Trey were to get together though. I think that'd be a low blow.
I know that I'm supposed to be grateful for this trip and I am, it has been sort of amazing at times but I can't wait to get out of here and go back home where I can just get back to work and find distractions that might get me through whatever it is that I'm going through. I need it. The one thing I have loved about this trip is the amazing friendships I've made, or the ones I'm starting to make. I've gotten so much closer to Sophia and Tephy and all these amazing girls that are so incredibly sweet. I've also managed to make new guy friends like Joey.
Speaking of, I'm going to be sitting next to him on the plane, since he asked me to be his plane buddy. I never really expected to be friends with him but we clicked, he has a really cool personality and it's always nice to meet people you can just, hang out with. He seems like the kind of person that will just be there when you need him which also makes me think he needs someone to be there for him, and I would love to help if he lets me. Honestly I'm just glad I got to make a new friend that doesn't look at me like I'm about to fall to pieces after this week.
There are also these questions I hear I have to answer, so let's get through these real quick.
1). Did anything major happen to you on this trip? Pretty sure my breaking up with Trey could be considered something major. 2). Did you hook up with anyone? If so, who? With Trey. Pre-break up. 3). Did anything happen that surprised you? If so, how do you feel about it? Everything that happened here pretty much blind sided me. I feel shaken, confused, sad... but I will survive. 4). Was there anything you thought was going to happen that didn’t? I thought I was going to have a really relaxing time with the person I loved, just getting to escape from the real world. Turns out I got exactly the opposite. 5). Recap your Bora Bora experience for us: Please don't make me do that. It was in a nutshell, too fucked up to recap. It's not worth dwelling over either.
I think that pretty much sums things up. I hope I gave you enough material to work with but it's about time for me to finally say, hasta la vista baby!