[yappearance]

I miss my wife (I don’t have one).

[yappearance]

Sure, I want the exciting, unexpected and overwhelming love. But I also want the quiet, peaceful and boring kind. I want to go grocery shopping together, I want to argue about who should open the door for who, I want to hand someone a toothbrush in the morning, I want to eat breakfast in silence when we’re both too tired to speak, I want to be in the same room doing different things, I want to clean together and cook together and live together in this comfortable state of love showing as presence.

[yappearance]

Days filled with: she would like it, she would find it funny, she would hate it, I need to tell her about this, oh that’s so her, I wish she was here, I can’t wait to see her. Days without her that are still filled with her presence wherever I go.

[yappearance]

I just want her to be taken care of, too. I want to take care of her. I want to run her a bath after a tiring day, and then make her a meal, and give her a massage, and tuck her in, and run my fingers through her hair, and listen to her vent, and and and…

[yappearance]

Can’t a girl just yearn in silence (I’m the most obvious person in the room).

[yappearance]

Doomed yuri this, doomed yuri that. Noooo. Give me successful yuri, give me tooth rotting sweet yuri, give me passionate and unwavering yuri, give me full of joy yuri, give me….

[yappearance]

Do I want to look like this cool masc lesbian or do I want this cool masc lesbian? (Both).

[yappearance]

Maybe I do want a nerdy masc girlfriend who is obsessed with this very specific thing so I can make her gifts related to this very specific thing, so what…

[yappearance]

Spoilers.

Lottie Matthews: the wilderness baby.

Anyhow, so we all know the concept of „wilderness baby” (I think?) and the discussion (is there any? Am I tweaking?) whether it was Shauna’s baby or Callie somehow getting this wilderness inside her through her mother right. Buttt I think it’s so so so suits Lottie, no? Which, obviously, isn’t a stretch or a new concept but still.

She literally got baptised in the wilderness (RIP Laura Lee), so we could count it as being re-born if not born in literal sense of the world. Then her visions and spiritual connections flared up to the extremes (also due to lack of proper medication for her already existing issues). As if she finally bared herself open to see, be seen, feel and be felt (?), all that in tune with both herself and the wilderness. So I think we could conclude it as thriving, growing up and discovering her true self. Then in her adulthood she seems to have reached her peak (in a way) as a cult leader overseer of an intentional community. That, unfortunately, was quickly followed by her downfall, which is ironically literally her death. So, I think, it’s safe to say her bests and worsts might have came as a gift of life from the wilderness.

It could be argued that her best was her in highschool but I really like how @nataliescatorccioapologist wrote her character analysis and how she points out that a lot of Lottie’s personality back then was based on performing. A portrayal of something easier to consume than she felt she herself was. As if she was trying to make herself digestible by making herself more normal, in a sense of what she believed it to be, thus my argument that I wouldn’t necessarily consider it her peak.

So in short, wilderness made her, groomed her, fuelled her and then led to her demise. As does life giving force to a life form. I don’t know. Just had it in the back of my mind. It’s such a word dump, I’m sure someone would articulate it so much better but you gotta take what you have.

Lottie Matthews as wilderness baby propaganda.