I won't be checking this page anymore. I've spent so long finding fault in myself. It's what I've grown up with, taking the blame. It's all anyone has ever done to me, and I've let them. Well not anymore! Because I'm pretty much done with that bullshit. What have I done so horrible? Why am I the bad guy? All I've ever done is help my dad, and drive hither and yon the past few weekends helping him move from Gilbert to surprise because his wife kicked him out. And yet he doesn't appreciate me??? How am I to blame there? And Hannah! Don't even get me started there. I invested so much time and effort into her happiness, but I was unappreciated and never good enough. Then next thing you know she had a mental breakdown and of course I somehow assumed it was my fault. Why? Because it happened after we broke up, and I have had to tell myself every time she has rant or episode that I didn't cause it. Her parents never really liked me either, and I never felt welcome among her family despite my best efforts. Zach, I have been so good to that kid. Stupid guy thinks he's so great though. He's so quick to point out the stains on me without looking at his blood covered hands. I've gone out of my way to help him a lot, and have always been there to advise him. Yet he had the audacity to tell me I was a horrible friend and that everything I did was worthless. Is the poster I still got you on the wall Zach? I hope you look at it and remember the nice thing so did for you, and maybe then you realize what a dick you are. Kallie, someone who actually seemed genuinely kind to me. Yet you can so easily just drop me and never speak to me again? Glad to know I never was important in any way, shape, or form. I spent hours making a whiteboard that was super creative and funny as a way to ask you to prom. It had random drawings all over it in expo marker. And when you erase it the words "will you go to prom with me" are left behind in sharpie. Well I ripped it up with my bare hands until my hands had red marks from the rough edges and were sore. Then I lit the damn thing on fire. Because my time means nothing to you, otherwise it wouldn't have been so easy for you to abandon me. Jaci, we had some fun times! You were my only friend when all the above people abandoned me. Then one day you disappeared. Only recently did I learn it was because you felt like I only used you to piss off my mormon friends. Well hope you enjoyed the free lunch that time and shooting me in the back with an air soft gun and all the fun things we did. You were genuinely my friend and I cared about you, you just didn't see it. Josh...idk where to begin with you. Because right now we still talk. But honestly I don't trust you, you're just gonna draw me in until I trust you. Then hurt me. That's all you've ever done. And it's so hard because I want to believe you're my friend Jordann, well hello twin? Where the hell are you!? Oh wait, every time I talk to you about my struggles here in AZ I can't help but feel like you don't believe me and feel I'm lying...thanks "sis" Sydney, once again someone I called a sister. Someone who insisted on acting like my problems were dramatic and unimportant. Emma, where the hell did you go? For all I know you died. Except oh wait! I've seen you post on facebook. Glad to know you haven't died, because you just stopped talking to me with no explanation as to how. All I've ever done is invest my time, energy, compassion, talent, money, tears, pain, kindness, charity, stress, and love into the happiness of others. And all I have to show for it is a bunch of scars on my heart. I've written poems, given rides, paid for things, made gifts, told jokes, laughed at the jokes you tell that aren't funny. And have gone out of my way to try and be there for you. And none of you even care about any of that. Or even remember that it happened!? My favorite quote is from a song, it says "you are what you love not who loves you". It used to bring me comfort. Assurance I would make it without these peoples kindness or approval. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize that if I am what I love, then I am a liar, thief, and cheater, because the people I have loved are undesirable, indecisive, hateful, judgmental, greedy, selfish, deceitful, manipulative, horrible, stupid, malevolent, rude, hurtful, and just cruel. So if I am what I love, then I'm a monster. And I've spent the last few months searching for that monster within me. Only to realize it was you who put it there. Thanks for turning me into what I am today, thanks for making me feel hated and unappreciated. Hope you're proud. But even more so j hope you regret it one day! I hope you suffer, and that you someday feel as alone as you've made me feel. I hope you hurt, I hope you cry, and I hope the people you care about treat you the way you've treated me. I hope you become miserable and bitter. Till one day you think of me, and regret your words and actions. And you may even call me up and apologize. And I'll say the same thing one of you said to me. "You did this to yourself, it's all your fault. So why don't you do everyone a favor and kill yourself..."
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
izzy806
dededos
