Lilly

[yeslillylillylove]

Recognizing emotional abuse

QUESTION

Hi! My name is [REDACTED] and I read your post that starts out “10 months ago” about your abusive ex and the email he wrote you. I was going to just comment on it but I really wanted to actually ask you personally and I really didn’t want you to think it was intended as mean or insensitive. But I read the email, and I honestly don’t understand. How is he being manipulative, or at least how do you know?

It seems to me like he has said all the right things, everything a non-abusive partner would say- so how is this evidence of him being manipulative? The people commenting seem to see it too and I just don’t understand what I’m missing here. ******

ANSWER

Emotional abuse is incredibly hard to recognize. I often stop and remind myself that I don't have to prove that this person abused me; I just have to trust my experience of our time together:

1.) Spending time with this person made me feel anxious and unsafe.

2.) I couldn't predict how he would react to things that I would say or do; there was no emotional stability between us.

3.) His words did not match up with his actions (or with my experiences).

So! That's some context for how I learned to think about emotional abuse. Recognizing it was a lot harder and took me a lot longer. 11 years to recognize it and another 3+ years to trust myself enough to take action.

All that said, here's the problem with my ex's email: on the surface, it looks like he says "all the right stuff." But he almost always follows up by saying the exact opposite. e.g. all that stuff about "I care about your concerns" followed by "you're crazy to have these concerns. Or "I'd never stalk you" followed by "I just watched you from afar then went to the parking lot to make sure you knew how close I could get to your car." Or "I want people to support you" followed by "you should delete what you said because your account of what happened is wrong and you’re tricking anyone who supports you based on what you said."

It helps to look at the kind of language he uses. He puts so much effort into devaluing anything I have to say. Quotes around words like "safety." Adding words like "I guess." For a letter that's meant to be expressing concern about somebody else, he references himself and his feelings roughly 300% more than he talks about anything else.

Anyway, I'm still surprised how regularly I need to be reminded that my feelings are valid; that I am a reliable narrator of my own experience. I hope I was able to shed a little light on the language of emotional abuse.

Remember, kids: recognizing emotional abuse gets easier with practice!

[yeslillylillylove]

That email is vile, and not even clever. Getting out was the right thing to do.

Heck yeah it was!

[yeslillylillylove]

10 months ago

I left an emotionally abusive relationship last March. We were together for 14 years and this is my first holiday season without him. I think I handled myself well in the leaving; I was clear and calm with my needs. I didn’t point fingers. I didn’t badmouth him to our friends. Lately, I’ve found myself wondering if things really were as bad as I remember. I want to hold onto concrete examples of how unstable he made me feel when we were together.

I’m sharing one of the last emails he sent me. It’s hard for me to be certain—even now, thinking about him makes me feel hazy and confused, like my memories are made of static noise—but I have a suspicion that his words speak for themselves. I’m not the crazy one here. This is real, this happened. Acknowledging it helps me move forward. Context: he had been posting cryptic things about “Lillies” on Facebook which made me feel threatened enough to tell the world that he was talking about me and not flowers. I kept my own post relatively simple, but I did want my friends to know that I was feeling unsafe. The following is what he emailed me in response.

************

WOW!

What can i say other than WOW..

i am so sorry you feel the way you feel,i get it, i cant deny making you uncomfortable, not my place…  you are uncomfortable, and thats what matters, and I need to allay your fears as wildly unfounded. if you are uncomfortable due to my words, i am so very sorry.  but, and there is a big butt here.   it is huge!

first of all, my first comment about the lillies were about the lillies. You are important, you are important to me, but for gods sake it wasnt about you, i just came to the realization that slaving in the garden for something that makes me insane was pointless, regardless of the pretty factor.  stargazer lillies are a stinking mess and i still find myself  drawn to them, and i think i hate them, you know this. and i know this, and i thought it kinda funny.  i wasnt being pointed towards you, (although i have said you stink in the past, hell, I have written it on walls!) it isnt about you.  and yes i am not stupid, looking back it can be seen as disatisfaction in all sorts of things, and yes it can apply to our relationship, but that was not its intent.

i stood there thinking about life and enjoying the breeze, and i watched the lilly sway, and it was so pretty, and i got another wiff of it, i so hate the smell of them, it was a funny conflict. but i did watch them sway. i couldnt look away.  if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound..  if the bear shits in the woods and no one is around to smell it, does it still smell. I was baffeled that I was still staring at my lilly and admiring it, and thought it funny, does it know… does it care… ultimately I realized it didnt matter, it just existed.   

a little while later i wandered into the grocery and walked right by you, i wanted to reach out, but i have no words.  you are hurt, (im learning more and more so daily).  what could i say?! i was unsettled, its odd to be so close, i could have touched your hair, and yet i remained un noticed. i walked by and found piece in it all, i assumed you really didnt see me, and i looked over my shoulder while i was banking and watched you, long, lean, strong yet with a gracefull sway back and forth as you bagged groceries. you looked like a lilly. and i was entranced. weather I was there or not, it didn’t matter,  i couldnt look away.  you existed and were looking good,   thats my big sin here.  

i would hope that you would know that i would never “out” lilly.  i am not like that, or i would hope you would remember that.  you were just the flower.  You outed your alter ego, not me. there was no mallice in my statement, i simply watched you bag groceries and remarked that you looked strong swaying there..   sure there was no actual wind to push you, but you looked strong and full  of grace. i was in love and impressed and sad, but ultimatly i decided that you would floourish in your own garden and that made me smile.  no mallace in  my

heart, words, or actions.  i left you to yourself, i left the building and i left a small smilie face on the window of your car. a smilie face without the childish addition of a tongue sticking out.  a damn gesture of peace .  perhaps you missed that.

no, i did not stalk you, i wouldnt. i have not been looking for you, or following you, i have not been by the house with you there or away since the last time i told you i was picking up my stuff.

i am greatly upset that you feel a need to fear me.  what the hell did we have for 14 years? i would hope that i might still earn the bennefit of the doubt with regards to safety at the bare minimum.  right now i dont like you, but i love you and would take a bullet for you, i couldnt even dream of harming you.  this is breaking my heart, what changed , who have you become?  why do you have these fears, and how can I put them to rest.  I don’t agree with your fears but if they are real for you I would like to get to the bottom of them so you can be happy.  

when people come to me asking whats going on with you, i dont know what to say.  People telling me that you have a fear of me, and i dont know why?  i am immensely saddened by all of this.  you had the love of a spouse and the love of a peer and the love of parrent, i don’t know what changed in your head where you would have a fear of me.  I only know these things because people have come to me concerned, you apparently have blocked me from some of your posts. , why I don’t know.. for your “safety” I guess?  but this is all drama lama right now.

if you are concerned you could have and should have come to me , unless I am truly thought of as a danger.?

and damn it, we are still humans, you could have spoken to me rather than publicly say thay you dont want to embarass me by posting publicly. because you  really did  publicly embarass me.  and sure if it was for your safety, i guess thats fine, ill take the hit, but truly there is nothing to worry about. i am not the enemy.  and i dont want to be seen as one.  

this looks like airing dirty laundry, and i dont like it.  frankly i am hurt and pissed off and wildly angry to be accused of any sort of interference to your happiness. i have done nothing but respect your wishes. i dont talk about our life or issues to anyone, let alone in public.

what you did was wrong on so many levels, yet my primary concern is you are hurt.  and i truly feel horrible if my words or actions put you in that state.  but for fucks sake, i think you are bringing a little too much to the party.  and no this isn’t about discounting your fears. it is about allaying them.  or that’s what I am trying to do.

rather than think im refering to lillies you choose to think i am outing you, or trying to make you

uncomfortable. that first post was about a stinkingly beautiful flower and my realization .. i was amusing myself, read into it what you will, thats on you.  the second post, yes i watched you, that is bound to happen when we shop at the same grocery.  forgive me but it was sureal to see you not seeing me. but there was no threat in my tone or my words. my refering to you as a lilly was a complement, remember no one knows about your alter ego, i could have said a rose, but you are no rose.  you were just like that lilly i had been watching earlier in the evening. so fuck me for refering to you in a positive way, at least i didnt publicly say i feared you ?!  honestly to think I referred to you as lilly because I thought it would make you uncomfortable is insane and saddening.  if I had wanted to out you I could have, but that’s not me.  I have not used my knowledge of lilly to hurt you, while I may not always understood her I have done my best to

respect her.  perhaps even support?!  I dont have the time or energy to try to get you with little things like that.  I have no reason to, how would it serve me??  you just resembled the lilly I had been watching, that’s all. no hidden meanings.  why would I ? why would you believe I would do that?  seriously, WHY would you think that of me.  i have not done so in the past.  I feel like you have no idea who I am , and that who I was, was wasted and lost.  

you can leave the apartment but don’t destroy the place on the way out the door. if you know what im saying..

i am so pained that you would rather think of me as a stalker rather than someone who peacefully disengaged. admired from afar, making lemmonaide out of a situation that might have been tough for either of us.  i am of no danger. i am no stalker, dont flatter yourself.  and yeah i know that sounds harsh, but i have no interest in stalking you.

people ask if you are having a  bi polar moment and i reply, “no, .. she is feeling something real”, what and why i dont know, but i truly feel for you. i defend you… i dont bash your name, and i decided that if you wanted to end the relationship i would rather look back on it as the best years i have ever had, than look at it for what it is becoming.  a sewer where i lack basic trust.  i view us as family, i most always will, so suck it up, i will not be your enemy.  i dont know why you want to make me one?  i care for you, your mental and physical health, and while clearly i am not the best for you i stand by my stated mission to love you and treat you fairly.

im my ideal world you will publicly retract your postings, .. so people don’t think i am a psycho, but likely you will find fault in this wild rambling of hurt and anger and it will solidify your need to demonize me.

ending the relationship hurt, but this crushed me to the core.  i have no other words. i am so sorry it has come to this. i wish nothing but the best for you.  im embarassed, hummiliated at the accusations yet still my concern is for you.  you are hurt, and clearly confused, and i wish it were any other way for you. you dont need to end things in fear. it pisses me off and clearly isnt good for you.  please remember who we were to each other and realize i cant hurt you.  i am sure i have caused you pain but i have never done anything deleberatly that i thought would hurt you. you mattered too damn much.

please think about this,and if there is anything i can do to make you feel safe again,please let me know. if you can,  if its not too far gone and cemented in your head. i cant sleep knowing what you think of me. and yeah, im also a little pissed.  "fear and uncertanty" are real.. i get it, but i am beyond crushed as well, yeah, its not about me,, i get it.. but understand where i stand. in my mind this is a break from the expected, and a break from reality. I truly don’t intend this to insult you, but this seems like a little break from reality and it concerns me.

now go back and re read that with a smile on my face and love in my heart.  

no seriously, do it !.. please do not see this as a slight , it is straight up concern and love for you. its like you are creating a demon and I don’t know why..  and there is no reason to insult you, and there is a huge risk in saying this, and there is no gain for me what so ever,  so ask yourself if this is an insult or perhaps you can try to see the concern in my  "voice".

if you are truly fearful, what can i do for you.  you say you have people and safeguards in place.. wow i feel like a villan now.  is there anyone you are talking to that perhaps  i can talk to? let them know you are not at risk, perhaps they can make you feel safer if they talk to me,  not like that would be awkward or anything , but seriously, can i CV Vc  talk to your shrink?  [NAME WITHHELD] perhaps?  forward this to them, post it publicly if you like.  

 part of my concern is people love you and want to protect you, but if they only see your fears, while supporting you, they might feed into a negative feedback loop and in turn give you justification and reinforce your fears.

be well,

(inside, outside, upside-down)

[NAME WITHHELD]

[yeslillylillylove]

Just gonna repost this until it sinks in. Repetition and clarity. <3

[yeslillylillylove]

you made the right call, that email is manipulative as fuck

Thank you. Hearing that from other people helps. A lot. A lot a lot.

[yeslillylillylove]

10 months ago

I left an emotionally abusive relationship last March. We were together for 14 years and this is my first holiday season without him. I think I handled myself well in the leaving; I was clear and calm with my needs. I didn’t point fingers. I didn’t badmouth him to our friends. Lately, I’ve found myself wondering if things really were as bad as I remember. I want to hold onto concrete examples of how unstable he made me feel when we were together.

I’m sharing one of the last emails he sent me. It’s hard for me to be certain—even now, thinking about him makes me feel hazy and confused, like my memories are made of static noise—but I have a suspicion that his words speak for themselves. I’m not the crazy one here. This is real, this happened. Acknowledging it helps me move forward. Context: he had been posting cryptic things about “Lillies” on Facebook which made me feel threatened enough to tell the world that he was talking about me and not flowers. I kept my own post relatively simple, but I did want my friends to know that I was feeling unsafe. The following is what he emailed me in response.

************

WOW!

What can i say other than WOW..

i am so sorry you feel the way you feel,i get it, i cant deny making you uncomfortable, not my place...  you are uncomfortable, and thats what matters, and I need to allay your fears as wildly unfounded. if you are uncomfortable due to my words, i am so very sorry.  but, and there is a big butt here.   it is huge!

first of all, my first comment about the lillies were about the lillies. You are important, you are important to me, but for gods sake it wasnt about you, i just came to the realization that slaving in the garden for something that makes me insane was pointless, regardless of the pretty factor.  stargazer lillies are a stinking mess and i still find myself  drawn to them, and i think i hate them, you know this. and i know this, and i thought it kinda funny.  i wasnt being pointed towards you, (although i have said you stink in the past, hell, I have written it on walls!) it isnt about you.  and yes i am not stupid, looking back it can be seen as disatisfaction in all sorts of things, and yes it can apply to our relationship, but that was not its intent.

i stood there thinking about life and enjoying the breeze, and i watched the lilly sway, and it was so pretty, and i got another wiff of it, i so hate the smell of them, it was a funny conflict. but i did watch them sway. i couldnt look away.  if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound..  if the bear shits in the woods and no one is around to smell it, does it still smell. I was baffeled that I was still staring at my lilly and admiring it, and thought it funny, does it know... does it care... ultimately I realized it didnt matter, it just existed.   

a little while later i wandered into the grocery and walked right by you, i wanted to reach out, but i have no words.  you are hurt, (im learning more and more so daily).  what could i say?! i was unsettled, its odd to be so close, i could have touched your hair, and yet i remained un noticed. i walked by and found piece in it all, i assumed you really didnt see me, and i looked over my shoulder while i was banking and watched you, long, lean, strong yet with a gracefull sway back and forth as you bagged groceries. you looked like a lilly. and i was entranced. weather I was there or not, it didn't matter,  i couldnt look away.  you existed and were looking good,   thats my big sin here.  

i would hope that you would know that i would never "out" lilly.  i am not like that, or i would hope you would remember that.  you were just the flower.  You outed your alter ego, not me. there was no mallice in my statement, i simply watched you bag groceries and remarked that you looked strong swaying there..   sure there was no actual wind to push you, but you looked strong and full  of grace. i was in love and impressed and sad, but ultimatly i decided that you would floourish in your own garden and that made me smile.  no mallace in  my

heart, words, or actions.  i left you to yourself, i left the building and i left a small smilie face on the window of your car. a smilie face without the childish addition of a tongue sticking out.  a damn gesture of peace .  perhaps you missed that.

no, i did not stalk you, i wouldnt. i have not been looking for you, or following you, i have not been by the house with you there or away since the last time i told you i was picking up my stuff.

i am greatly upset that you feel a need to fear me.  what the hell did we have for 14 years? i would hope that i might still earn the bennefit of the doubt with regards to safety at the bare minimum.  right now i dont like you, but i love you and would take a bullet for you, i couldnt even dream of harming you.  this is breaking my heart, what changed , who have you become?  why do you have these fears, and how can I put them to rest.  I don't agree with your fears but if they are real for you I would like to get to the bottom of them so you can be happy.  

when people come to me asking whats going on with you, i dont know what to say.  People telling me that you have a fear of me, and i dont know why?  i am immensely saddened by all of this.  you had the love of a spouse and the love of a peer and the love of parrent, i don't know what changed in your head where you would have a fear of me.  I only know these things because people have come to me concerned, you apparently have blocked me from some of your posts. , why I don't know.. for your "safety" I guess?  but this is all drama lama right now.

if you are concerned you could have and should have come to me , unless I am truly thought of as a danger.?

and damn it, we are still humans, you could have spoken to me rather than publicly say thay you dont want to embarass me by posting publicly. because you  really did  publicly embarass me.  and sure if it was for your safety, i guess thats fine, ill take the hit, but truly there is nothing to worry about. i am not the enemy.  and i dont want to be seen as one.  

this looks like airing dirty laundry, and i dont like it.  frankly i am hurt and pissed off and wildly angry to be accused of any sort of interference to your happiness. i have done nothing but respect your wishes. i dont talk about our life or issues to anyone, let alone in public.

what you did was wrong on so many levels, yet my primary concern is you are hurt.  and i truly feel horrible if my words or actions put you in that state.  but for fucks sake, i think you are bringing a little too much to the party.  and no this isn't about discounting your fears. it is about allaying them.  or that's what I am trying to do.

rather than think im refering to lillies you choose to think i am outing you, or trying to make you

uncomfortable. that first post was about a stinkingly beautiful flower and my realization .. i was amusing myself, read into it what you will, thats on you.  the second post, yes i watched you, that is bound to happen when we shop at the same grocery.  forgive me but it was sureal to see you not seeing me. but there was no threat in my tone or my words. my refering to you as a lilly was a complement, remember no one knows about your alter ego, i could have said a rose, but you are no rose.  you were just like that lilly i had been watching earlier in the evening. so fuck me for refering to you in a positive way, at least i didnt publicly say i feared you ?!  honestly to think I referred to you as lilly because I thought it would make you uncomfortable is insane and saddening.  if I had wanted to out you I could have, but that's not me.  I have not used my knowledge of lilly to hurt you, while I may not always understood her I have done my best to

respect her.  perhaps even support?!  I dont have the time or energy to try to get you with little things like that.  I have no reason to, how would it serve me??  you just resembled the lilly I had been watching, that's all. no hidden meanings.  why would I ? why would you believe I would do that?  seriously, WHY would you think that of me.  i have not done so in the past.  I feel like you have no idea who I am , and that who I was, was wasted and lost.  

you can leave the apartment but don't destroy the place on the way out the door. if you know what im saying..

i am so pained that you would rather think of me as a stalker rather than someone who peacefully disengaged. admired from afar, making lemmonaide out of a situation that might have been tough for either of us.  i am of no danger. i am no stalker, dont flatter yourself.  and yeah i know that sounds harsh, but i have no interest in stalking you.

people ask if you are having a  bi polar moment and i reply, "no, .. she is feeling something real", what and why i dont know, but i truly feel for you. i defend you... i dont bash your name, and i decided that if you wanted to end the relationship i would rather look back on it as the best years i have ever had, than look at it for what it is becoming.  a sewer where i lack basic trust.  i view us as family, i most always will, so suck it up, i will not be your enemy.  i dont know why you want to make me one?  i care for you, your mental and physical health, and while clearly i am not the best for you i stand by my stated mission to love you and treat you fairly.

im my ideal world you will publicly retract your postings, .. so people don't think i am a psycho, but likely you will find fault in this wild rambling of hurt and anger and it will solidify your need to demonize me.

ending the relationship hurt, but this crushed me to the core.  i have no other words. i am so sorry it has come to this. i wish nothing but the best for you.  im embarassed, hummiliated at the accusations yet still my concern is for you.  you are hurt, and clearly confused, and i wish it were any other way for you. you dont need to end things in fear. it pisses me off and clearly isnt good for you.  please remember who we were to each other and realize i cant hurt you.  i am sure i have caused you pain but i have never done anything deleberatly that i thought would hurt you. you mattered too damn much.

please think about this,and if there is anything i can do to make you feel safe again,please let me know. if you can,  if its not too far gone and cemented in your head. i cant sleep knowing what you think of me. and yeah, im also a little pissed.  "fear and uncertanty" are real.. i get it, but i am beyond crushed as well, yeah, its not about me,, i get it.. but understand where i stand. in my mind this is a break from the expected, and a break from reality. I truly don't intend this to insult you, but this seems like a little break from reality and it concerns me.

now go back and re read that with a smile on my face and love in my heart.  

no seriously, do it !.. please do not see this as a slight , it is straight up concern and love for you. its like you are creating a demon and I don't know why..  and there is no reason to insult you, and there is a huge risk in saying this, and there is no gain for me what so ever,  so ask yourself if this is an insult or perhaps you can try to see the concern in my  "voice".

if you are truly fearful, what can i do for you.  you say you have people and safeguards in place.. wow i feel like a villan now.  is there anyone you are talking to that perhaps  i can talk to? let them know you are not at risk, perhaps they can make you feel safer if they talk to me,  not like that would be awkward or anything , but seriously, can i CV Vc  talk to your shrink?  [NAME WITHHELD] perhaps?  forward this to them, post it publicly if you like.  

 part of my concern is people love you and want to protect you, but if they only see your fears, while supporting you, they might feed into a negative feedback loop and in turn give you justification and reinforce your fears.

be well,

(inside, outside, upside-down)

[NAME WITHHELD]

[yeslillylillylove]

Whatever, this place was lame anyway.

Let’s go, girls.

[yeslillylillylove]

My ex used to tell me I had body-dysmorphia because I thought I had a nice, thick ass. He said I had a flat little bum. This post is brought to you by the foundation for “I’m not crazy, please look at that ass.” 🦕🦕🥛🍑👀

[yeslillylillylove]

Planned obsolescence.

It’s my feature, not my bug.

[yeslillylillylove]

That thing where your ex...

...negs you in a super long email and is then magnanimous enough to tell the hordes of people who keep asking him about your mental health status that it’s okay—you are, in fact, experiencing real human emotions. He’s not being condescending! He’s doing this because he loves you, you ungrateful bitch. 💕

Also, for those of you keeping track? The man who kept rearranging things in my house after he moved out; who posts creepy-ass public messages about watching me without my knowledge; who wants a pat on the back because he went out of his way to “not draw something childish like a tongue” on the smiley face he drew on my god-damn windshield so that I’d find anonymous markings on my car when I came into the parking lot?

Yeah, that guy’s not a stalker and I shouldn’t flatter myself.

***

“i am so pained that you would rather think of me as a stalker rather than someone who peacefully disengaged. admired from afar, making lemmonaide out of a situation that might have been tough for either of us. i am of no danger. i am no stalker, dont flatter yourself. and yeah i know that sounds harsh, but i have no interest in stalking you.

people ask if you are having a bi polar moment and i reply, "no, .. she is feeling something real", what and

why i dont know, but i truly feel for you. i defend you... i dont bash your name, and i decided that if you wanted to end the relationship i would rather look back on it as the best years i have ever had, than look at it for what it is becoming. a sewer where i lack basic trust.”

[yeslillylillylove]

My ex is posting stuff on FB and it is making me extremely uncomfortable. If I get murdered, I guess look at him first? Seriously, though. Does this mean he’s been watching me?

[yeslillylillylove]

hope you're doing okay lately! (re the emotional abuse post)

I’m okay. I have left my partner and that is sad. There were many good things about our relationship—I wouldn’t have stayed for so long if it was all bad—but so much of what we had was unhealthy.

I don’t think he meant to hurt me. But he hurt me badly. I think he tried to love me but he didn’t have the right tools.

This is not a free pass; he abused me. He actively cut me down and tried to make me think I was crazy. Our house was a place I had to walk on pins and needles. The only time things were okay was when I tucked myself away into a corner of my mind and agreed with him.

I don’t think he fully gets this: any time I tried to be myself around him, things went downhill. In his mind, it was always my fault for upsetting the balance of our relationship. For being crazy. For being stupid. Nothing was ever his fault. In 14 years, he never gave me one heartfelt apology. For anyone out there reading this and thinking “oh, that sounds familiar?” That is not normal. It’s not okay.

Today my friend reminded me of the time XXX hit me so hard my head bounced off a cement wall outside of a restaurant. “He was joking,” I thought at the time. I had to convince a passerby not to call the cops. “See!? I’m laughing! I’m fine!”

Today my brother told me that he loved the paint I chose for my house. “XXX would have called me crazy…and gotten mad at me when that hurt my feelings.”

Today I threw out a sex toy XXX had made for me. He saw it when he came by to pick up some boxes and said, “you shouldn’t throw that out. You should shove it up your ass and wrap it around your neck the next time you’re feeling self destructive. And don’t get offended—that’s constructive criticism! Not that you’d get that. You never give me the benefit of the doubt—you’re too predisposed to believe the worst about me.”

I miss him, but what we had was not healthy. I am better now. I keep getting better.

This is why I left.

[gingerbimbo]

*HUGS*

I know those feelings :(

[yeslillylillylove]

Thank you. 💕✨👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 And...is that “know” in a past- or present-tense sort of way?

[yeslillylillylove]

hope you're doing okay lately! (re the emotional abuse post)

I’m okay. I have left my partner and that is sad. There were many good things about our relationship—I wouldn’t have stayed for so long if it was all bad—but so much of what we had was unhealthy.

I don’t think he meant to hurt me. But he hurt me badly. I think he tried to love me but he didn’t have the right tools.

This is not a free pass; he abused me. He actively cut me down and tried to make me think I was crazy. Our house was a place I had to walk on pins and needles. The only time things were okay was when I tucked myself away into a corner of my mind and agreed with him.

I don’t think he fully gets this: any time I tried to be myself around him, things went downhill. In his mind, it was always my fault for upsetting the balance of our relationship. For being crazy. For being stupid. Nothing was ever his fault. In 14 years, he never gave me one heartfelt apology. For anyone out there reading this and thinking “oh, that sounds familiar?” That is not normal. It’s not okay.

Today my friend reminded me of the time XXX hit me so hard my head bounced off a cement wall outside of a restaurant. “He was joking,” I thought at the time. I had to convince a passerby not to call the cops. “See!? I’m laughing! I’m fine!”

Today my brother told me that he loved the paint I chose for my house. “XXX would have called me crazy…and gotten mad at me when that hurt my feelings.”

Today I threw out a sex toy XXX had made for me. He saw it when he came by to pick up some boxes and said, “you shouldn’t throw that out. You should shove it up your ass and wrap it around your neck the next time you’re feeling self destructive. And don’t get offended—that’s constructive criticism! Not that you’d get that. You never give me the benefit of the doubt—you’re too predisposed to believe the worst about me.”

I miss him, but what we had was not healthy. I am better now. I keep getting better.

This is why I left.

[yeslillylillylove]

Things that are not compliments:

You’re so smart—why do you do such stupid stuff?

You’re so empathetic—it’s weird how bad you are at understanding me.

You’re so professional—why are you the world’s worst communicator?

You’re so insightful—why do you think you’re so fucking crazy?

You’re so strong—but you’ll never make it on your own.

You can do anything—but you’re bound to fail if you keep doing so much.

You’re wonderful—but you’ll never find anyone who loves you like I love you.

You know what you want—but if you leave, you’ll regret it forever.

[yeslillylillylove]

Just because you think it sounds like love doesn’t make it okay to say that you’re going to throw me out of a window. Or smash your elbow into my face. Or destroy me before I destroy myself...because you love me and don’t trust me to take care of myself.

[yeslillylillylove]

Things that are not compliments:

You’re so smart—why do you do such stupid stuff?

You’re so empathetic—it’s weird how bad you are at understanding me.

You’re so professional—why are you the world’s worst communicator?

You’re so insightful—why do you think you’re so fucking crazy?

You’re so strong—but you’ll never make it on your own.

You can do anything—but you’re bound to fail if you keep doing so much.

You’re wonderful—but you’ll never find anyone who loves you like I love you.

You know what you want—but if you leave, you’ll regret it forever.

[yeslillylillylove]

I have done basically everything on the “what not to do” list.

[yeslillylillylove]

What to do about C-PTSD if you've got it:

Remove yourself from the primary or situation or secondary situations stemming from the primary abuse. Seek therapy. Talk about it. Write about it. Meditation. Medication if needed. Physical Exercise. Rewrite the script of your life.

...

"Ohhhhhhhhh. Rewrite the script of my life! That's what I was doing wrong."

[the-future-now-deactivated20170]

Freezing up during rape is a common biological response, study finds

“I couldn’t move. My body just shut down.” “I froze.”

When reporting rape, survivors often recall feeling paralyzed: Aware of what was happening but unable to stop it, because their limbs just wouldn’t cooperate.

A new study out of Sweden offers an explanation for that feeling of temporary paralysis: tonic immobility, or an involuntary self-defense mechanism cued during moments of extreme fear, which leaves the human body immobile and unresponsive until a threat has passed.

Tonic immobility is essentially the same thing that happens when a possum suddenly stiffens and rolls over, as if dead, or a deer freezes in the headlights.

And according to the study, published in the journal Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica Scandinavica Wednesday, it’s also an eminently common response to sexual assault. Read more (6/7/`17)

[meltinggoldanddippingthingsinit]

Yup.

[thehypnobunny]

THIS

[yeslillylillylove]

I kinda wish I looked like a Duggar girl.

They’re so pretty!

[yeslillylillylove]

Told my stylist. Now have super cute cult-wife hair.