You Ruined Me || Matt Murdock x Reader
Summary: on a cold rainy night Y/N accidentally ends up standing in front of her ex-boyfriend's house and remembers with sadness the last time she walked through those doors.
Warnings: fem reader, song fic, emotional infidelity (Matt is still in love with Elektra), breakup, unrequired love (the reader is still in love with Matt, but he has feelings for Elektra). It's pure sadness with no happy ending
English is not my first language
Word count: 3800
Notes: The story is based on the song You Ruined Me by JC Chasez. I recommend you to listen to it to understand the vibe of the story (you won't regret it because his voice is beautiful). Also there might be a part 2 on the works where Bucky gets involved👀👀👀
I could be the first to let you know
That nothing means anything
Now I'm standing here outside your door
In the pouring rain
And I can't believe nothing's supposed to get to me
Now I'm in this misery
You walked through the dark streets of Hell's Kitchen with no particular destination in mind. It was a cold and rainy night. Droplets of water fell from the sky onto your figure, drenching you from head to toe. The wind blowing through the trees crashed against your wet body, freezing your skin. The cold was piercing your bones, cutting through the layers of clothing as if they were nothing more than a thin piece of fabric. Yet you would rather be there, alone, wet and cold, than spend another second trapped in a restaurant you didn't like, accompanied by a man you didn't love. You needed to escape. You could no longer pretend to be interested in that guy, so you made up a silly excuse about an emergency and hurried to disappear behind the doors before he had a chance to ask you any questions about it.
You could have headed home, but the thought of being back so early was depressing. So instead you decided to walk around for a while, get some fresh air and clear your mind. You thought maybe that would help you mood. The rain had attacked you halfway, but you didn't care. Your mind was too caught up in the swirl of emotions inside you to worry about a little water. So you continued walking without a destination in mind.
You should have known that your feet would eventually lead you to the building where Matt lived. You had spent so much time there that you had the path burned into your muscle memory. You could find your way there even if you were blindfolded. There was something about that place that drew you in, a connection so strong it was impossible to ignore.
When you looked up from the ground, you felt betrayed by your own body as you discovered where you were. Your eyes fell on the large doors of the building and your heart skipped a beat as you remembered the last time you had been there. It hadn't been long, barely about three months. When you walked through those doors that night you never imagined that you would end up walking out just a few minutes later with your heart shattered into pieces.
If you concentrated hard enough you could see the events of that night unfolding in front of you again. It was also a rainy day and you had forgotten your umbrella in the cab that took you to work that morning. The accident set off a chain of unfortunate events over the course of the day, and by the time your shift was over you were exhausted and in a very bad mood. That's why instead of going home you decided to stop by Matt's apartment. He always made you feel better when you were having a bad day, and that had been one of the worst in a long time. You never imagined that things would only get worse.
When you reached your destination, you used the keys Matt had given you to get into the building and then into his apartment. You walked down the dark entrance hallway in surprise at how quiet the place was. You dropped your keys on the coffee table as you wondered if your boyfriend was already roaming the streets of Hell's Kitchen in his red suit, looking for people who needed his help. But then you felt a noise coming from his room. You headed for the door, assuming Matt would be on the other side.... And he was, but he wasn't the only one there.
You didn't even get to touch the doorknob before the door suddenly opened, revealing a surprised and worried Matt. You didn't understand the reason for such an expression until your eyes fell on the figure behind him. On the bed, wrapped between the sheets and one of your boyfriend's shirts, rested Elektra Natchios.
Your eyes filled with tears as you comprehended the scene in front of you. Then, without a word, you turned and disappeared behind the door.
"Y/N, wait!" you heard Matt calling out to you, but you ignored him.
You quickened your pace, descending the stairs as fast as your blurred vision would allow. You could hear Matt behind you, the sound of his footsteps echoing down the halls. He was calling your name, asking you to listen to him, but you ignored him. You needed to get out of there. You needed to run away. You needed to get outside and breathe fresh air, or else you thought you would drown. The lump that had formed in your throat was getting bigger and bigger, making it difficult for you to breathe.
You had your right hand on the door handle when Matt finally caught up to you, grabbing your left arm to keep you from escaping.
"Y/N, wait!" he repeated, wrapping his fingers around your forearm. "Can we talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about" you replied, turning your back to him. You couldn't look him in the face, it hurt too much. "Let me go!"
"It's not what it looks like, Elektra got hurt and..."
"Enough! I can't do this anymore" you exclaimed, your voice broken by the tears you were struggling to hold back. "I can't keep pretending that I don't notice that you still have feelings for her" you added, finally turning to look at him.
"I don't, I-I..."
"Stop lying! I'm not stupid, Matt. I see it in your face every day. And I'm tired. I don't deserve this."
"I love you," he said in a broken voice, not knowing what else to do to convince you to stay.
"I know," you nodded with a sad smile. "But you have feelings for her too. And I can't go on like this, sharing you with her, afraid of losing you every day."
"Please..." he insisted, though he didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"Goodbye, Matt."
And with that, you broke free of his grip and disappeared into the darkness of the night.
I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see, you ruined me
For life
You haven't seen Matt again after that. You spent the next few weeks sad and depressed, crying yourself to sleep at night and waking up with a headache and a swollen face in the mornings. A routine that continued until one day you decided you were tired of feeling sorry for yourself. So you focused all your energy on getting your life back on track, forgetting Matt and starting over.
For some reason, at the time it seemed like a simple task. It was just a matter of getting out and meeting new people. There were plenty of fish in the sea, some of them much better than Matt, you just had to take the time to find them.
Oh if only you knew how wrong you were!
Over the past few months you had met several men, gone on countless dates, and still you couldn't get Matt out of your mind. Even when things were going well, when the guy was nice and the date interesting, you couldn't quiet the little voice in the back of your head that told you none of it was worth it. You fought it, raising the pitch of your voice as you spoke to drown it out in the noise, asking endless questions to your date to distract yourself with his answers. Nothing was working. The few men who didn't flee at your strange change in behavior would end up disappointed to discover that the evening would lead to nothing more than a quick, cold goodbye kiss. Sometimes not even that.
For some reason, no man compared to Matt. None could awaken butterflies in your stomach with just a smile or a tingle in your body with a simple brush of hands. None could make your legs tremble at the sound of his voice or start a fire inside you with a kiss. They were, for the most part, nice men, but you didn't feel a special connection with any of them. Not like you did with Matt.
You didn't feel the urge to have them around all the time, to know how their day had been and listen to every story, every word, as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever heard. You didn't wonder what it would feel like to wake up next to either of them in the mornings, nor were you dying to feel your bodies brush against each other. You didn't feel safe in their arms, at least not the way you felt in Matt's arms.
That had nothing to do with his abilities or the fact that you knew he was Daredevil. The security Matt provided you was related to the connection you shared. You felt comfortable and safe with him because you had found your home in his arms. And that was something you couldn't change. Something you weren't going to find in someone else.
You felt pathetic. You really were the biggest idiot in the whole universe. Matt had done nothing but hurt you, more painfully and deeply than any of your other ex-boyfriends, and yet you couldn't get him out of your mind. Your heart was still beating for him despite all the suffering he had put you through. It was ridiculous, but you couldn't deny how you felt. Matt Murdock was the only man for you even though you weren't the only woman for him. And that was devastating.
I will be the last to let you down
All your fears and doubts are hovering above you like a cloud
And the water's rising
Now I can't breathe, nothing's how it's supposed to be
How did you do this to me
Locked inside your heart shaped box
It hurted you to have worked so hard for your relationship only to lose it all to a woman who did nothing but bring him trouble and heartache. You knew all too well the details of the relationship Matt and Elektra had had in the past. You had seen him running after her all over campus like a lost dog. You had to watch, along with Foggy, as he threw away his studies and all the effort it had taken him to get to where he was for her. And when eventually their relationship crashed and erupted into flames, you had been by his side to pick up the pieces of his heart from the ground and help him put it back together. A task that had turned out to be far from simple.
Years later, Matt remembered it as a mistake from his past. One of those that you make when you're young and inexperienced, one that marks a clear lesson for the future. And you believed him. You could still see traces of pain in his expression when Elektra's name was mentioned in conversation. He didn't like to talk about her, even years after their relationship had ended. And as much as you found it a bit odd, you always thought it was simply because it had been a very difficult time in his life. You had never had reason to suspect that maybe he wasn't as over her as he claimed, until she reappeared in his life.
It all started with subtle changes. You began to notice a certain awkwardness and tension in Matt, an attitude that had no apparent reason. It wasn't until he confessed to you that Elektra was back that you understood what was happening to him. Matt was having trouble understanding what he was feeling, doubt written into his expression at all times. You could read the struggle inside him every time you looked up at his face.
In one corner of the fighting ring was the rational voice in his brain, telling him that nothing good could come from Elektra. In the opposite corner, the passionate, impulsive voice of his heart assured him that things would be different this time. Matt liked to pretend his brain won the fight by knock-out, but you both knew that was a lie. It was a very tight score. But eventually his heart would end up winning.
Though of course that wasn't what he would tell you when you asked him about Elektra, worried about the effects her presence might have on your relationship.
"I don't want to work with her," he had assured you the night you had finally worked up the courage to voice you fears as you healed the wounds he had gotten on the street. "Believe me, it's the last thing I want."
"Then why are you doing it?" you insisted as you disinfected a small cut.
"Because she doesn't want to leave," he replied, letting out a sigh. "And because I think she's right. I think it's a case I can't handle on my own."
"Matt..." you started to say, but he interrupted you by grabbing your hands and pulling you a little closer towards his body.
"The Yakuza are planning something big and I don't think I can stop them by myself. That's all. Elektra is here just to help me with this problem and that's it. She'll leave as soon as we get it sorted out. We already talked about it." Matt assured you in a sweet, soft voice that almost made you forget all your problems. Almost.
"You promise?" You felt stupid asking such a thing of him, but Elektra's presence frightened you. She alone had thrown your world off balance in an instant. You needed reassure. You needed to know you weren't losing the man you loved.
"I promise," he told you with a smile before giving you a short kiss on the lips. "You have to believe me when I tell you that Elektra is nothing but a bad memory. You are the only woman I love."
You would love to be able to believe him, but deep down you knew that wasn't true. You didn't need to be able to hear his heartbeat to know he was lying. You just had to look at his face and see the doubt in his expression. That grimace that remained stamped on his face from the moment Elektra had come back into his life. You were losing him with every passing minute and there was nothing you could do about it but smile and pretend not to notice.
So that's what you did. You kept her mouth shut and smiled at him, giving his hand a squeeze to end the conversation. You kept the thousand doubts and insecurities you had to yourself in the hopes that things would go back to normal as soon as Elektra left. It was pathetic, but there was nothing else you could do. Matt owned your heart. He held it in his hands, squeezing it between his fingers with increasing strength and you couldn't take it away from him even i you wanted to.
I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna feel this way
All I wanna do is leave
But all I can do is stay
Nights and days go by and I can't wait to touch your face again
A single tear escaped your left eye, rolling down your cheek and getting lost in the thousands of raindrops that adorned your face. There was nothing you wanted more than to be able to forget about Matt. You wanted to stop feeling the horrible emptiness inside you, a feeling that haunted you since the night it had all ended. You needed to get as far away from him as possible, at least until your heart stopped breaking into a thousand pieces at the mere mention of his name. You wanted to stop loving him.
Yet there you were again. Standing in front of his door, fighting the urge to go up to his apartment to talk and make things right between them. Crying in the rain, your mind clouded by the memories the familiar building had awakened.
You had initially thought that time would help you forget. You assumed that moving on with your life would become an easier task as the days passed. You thought the first few weeks would be the hardest, but if you managed to get through those dark days then you would see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only now you realized how wrong you had been. Months had passed and your heart ached with the same intensity as the first day.
Ever since your relationship with Matt had ended, you weren't able to go a single night without thinking about him. You longed to feel the warmth of his body enveloping you when you slept, making you feel comfortable and safe, or bump against his chest as you stretched in bed. You missed opening your eyes in the morning and finding his calm expression as he slept, the cuts and wounds from the night before contrasting with the angelic look of his face. You missed hearing him groan with sleep at the sound of the alarm or hearing him pronounce your name followed by 'good morning' in the typical husky voice he had in the mornings.
You even missed the fear and worry you felt every time you saw him disappear into the dark of night with his Daredevil costume on. At least when you were together you knew what was going on. You always waited up for him with the first aid kit, ready to treat his wounds. And while you worked, he would tell you what he had done as he roamed the dangerous streets of Hell's Kitchen.
You missed him like you had never missed anyone before. And that was because you loved him like you had never loved anyone before. You felt lonely without his company even though you were surrounded by people. The emptiness in your chest intensified every time you returned from work to your dark, deserted apartment. Your days were gray and monotonous. Your broken heart mourned Matt's absence almost as much as his lies and deceit. He was the cause of all your pain, but he was also the cure.
I could be the first to let you know
That I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby, can't you see, you ruined me
Matt was the love of your life. There was no other way to explain how you felt about him. He was the love of your life and you would never forget him, even if you managed to turn the page and move on with your life alone. He would always be present in your mind. He would always have a special place in your heart. Even if you moved away from Hell's Kitchen and lived your whole life miles away, you were sure Matt would continue to hold the key to your heart.
Suddenly you realized it was pointless to run away from what you felt. There was no place in the world where you could hide from Matt. He was burned into the depths of your soul. Then it occurred to you that maybe it was worth taking a chance on him one more time. Maybe fate had a happy ending planned for you after all. Maybe a future together was still possible.
You let out a sigh of defeat, working up the courage to knock on Matt's door after you had sworn you wouldn't come back. You should feel ashamed of your weakness and lack of determination, but at this point you were incapable of experiencing such feelings. You had made the mistake of listening to your masochistic heart, believing the illusions it was clinging to in order to keep beating, and there was no turning back now.
You were about to walk up the front steps to reach the door, when the sound of a car caught your attention. As you turned around you discovered that there was a luxury car parked in front of you in the street. You watched as the door of the vehicle opened and out stepped Matt and Elektra, both wearing fancy dress attire.
Suddenly the air grew heavier. The tension and the lump that had formed in your throat made it difficult for you to breathe. Time seemed to freeze as you stood there, petrified in place. You could do nothing but stare at the couple in front of you. You noticed that the red lipstick Elektra was wearing was not only smeared, but had left marks on Matt's lips and neck.
You felt the world around you crumble at your feet, just as it had that horrible night months before. You fragile heart broke into a thousand pieces once more as you saw that the hopes that held it together and kept it beating were nothing more than a delusion. You felt like a fool for thinking even for a second that your story could ever have a happy ending.
Matt, who was surprised by your presence, took a few steps forward to approach you. He opened his mouth to call out to you, but your name died in his throat because before he could utter it you turned and continued on your way.
You walked away from there, calmly pacing under the rain, hiding in your cool appearance the urge you had to run off and not stop until you were miles away. Pretending that you had happened to pass by there purely by chance and not because you missed him more than anyone else in the world.
Maybe if you continued to lie you would eventually believe your own bullshit. Maybe then you would manage to forget Matt Murdock once and for all.
I don't wanna be un love
I don't wanna feel this way
All I wanna do is leave
You ruined me for life
