Here are three different ways of thinking about the hotwife idea. They’re short, sweet, and to the point, but I think they might be helpful. Even couples who are already active might like this, because frankly, our society gets pretty weird and short-tempered about anyone who isn’t “just like everyone else” (whatever that means). Explanations like this can help people calm down and maybe even understand a little bit.
It’s kind of like a boudoir shoot. I can understand my husband getting aroused by seeing me feel sexy or pleasure myself. He’s aroused to think of me dressing up or playing with myself, but the thought of me “using” another man as my “sex toy” takes the arousal to a whole other level. It’s like a high-powered version of getting boudoir photos taken for him. I get turned on by turning him on, so it’s definitely about each other. Any other guy we involve is almost like the photographer, or even the props in a boudoir shoot–that guy is there to accentuate how sexy I am. The photographer or setting in a boudoir shoot might make me feel sexy, but I’m not going to stay at the studio forever or marry the photographer, because the whole point of the photo shoot is to do something sexy for my husband. In the end, I know I’m going to go home, and my husband is going to be revved up to see me, and all the attention will be on me, him, and us. That’s what hotwife sex is like too.
Sometimes I think about what it’s like to have a threesome with my husband and another guy… For some reason it feels safe to have my husband there, and it’s hot to think of two men giving me attention at the same time. Even back when I thought threesomes were too edgy, at least I understood the idea of a threesome. In my husband’s mind, hotwifing is a lot like this kind of a threesome. Two men are having sex with me, and they both know what’s going on, and it’s meant to be safe and organized. The difference is that I might not have both guys physically at the same time. It might be in sequence, where my husband gets turned on watching me get ready, then I spend time with the other guy, and finally return to my husband to seal the deal with him. I can guarantee both men are thinking about me at the same time, revisiting or anticipating the erotic time spent with me. This kind of threesome is just spread out differently, so we call it something different. But thinking of it this way helps me understand why it’s appealing. It’s not that weird at all. Whether I want to actually do it or not is a whole other matter, but at least I get it.
It’s about a whole lot more than sex. When I first met my husband, I had a lot of stereotypes about men, and he had a lot of stereotypes about women. I thought of men as rather straightforward, physical, intercourse-focused creatures. I’ve learned that my husband has an innate longing for communication, intimacy, and sharing all sorts of things uniquely with me. There are a lot of non-sexual ways to delve into communication and intimacy, and hotwife playing is just one of them. It gets us talking about our feelings, and about what makes us feel happy, insecure, hot, jealous, safe, or overwhelmed. It’s not the only way to dive deep into these things, but it makes this intimacy feel natural and important. We’re not longer just discussion our rational thoughts, but our imagination and feelings are right there, ready to be shared. It’s kind of sad that the only kind of sharing society focuses on is the sex with another man, when the longest-lasting and most powerful sharing takes place between me and my husband in our marriage.
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