Actor: Hey kid, I need you to lock this door for real
PA: I'm ... I'm just a PA, uh
Actor: [takes out real tools]
Actor: look, I need to do this
Director: it's already open, Brifus, just do the little lock-picking twitches with the props and open the fucking door like the pro you're supposed to be portra-
Director: ffs you're making my tonsils explode, Brian. We're already behind schedule.
Actor: just one more, Bill. I've been watching you tubes, I got this... i wanna.. this year I mean, my acting going upnexeveljustonemore
Director: No, fuck you. Frederick, open the goddam prop doorlock from the inside, let's get this scene and move on.
Actor: [looks to camera, grabs handle opens door and sets lock for real, closes it]
Actor: [get's back into character, crouching, knee to floor. Desperation. Sweat beads. Concentration.]
Director: [roundhouse kicking chair]
Director: [about to yell cut]
*door is lock-picked open*
Director: [barely audible] Cut!!
Director: [deep breathing] [crushing script page into a ball] [walks to office]
Actor: [turns on his fully functional in-ear walkie talkie spy prop] don't know what you're mad about, Bill. We got a helluva scene; I'm telling ya, this is the year, it's all abou-
Director: don't know what I'm mad about? Hell of a sceeene?!
[loud bangs, lamp trashing heard room next door]
Director: hell of a scene, Brifuck? It's useless!! Uussseeeelleeesssssss aaaaahh
Actor: useless? Whatdoya mean useless?! I gave you gold, sweetchums. The real deal! I fucking lock-picked that door for you. It's not even that difficult, there's this youtube ch-
Director: [high pitch laughter breaking up] you framed all surprised, moran! When it opens we see you almost smile and jump and get relief! Your asinine character is supposed to be super tense and has done this almost every episode.
Actor: ... Well, edit the surprise out. Why are you acting like a big baby? I'll give you some more of the smooth entry if that's what you need...
Director: [walking back on set] oh so you're telling me how to shoot this now
Actor: YOU are telling me how to act this out all Fakey and Lame, this-
Director: THAT's MY JOB! [bane breaks the back of a lighting stand, throws the two pieces every which way] aaaaaa
Actor: And mine is to act out the best way possible for this scene, dog gone it.
Producer: [walking in, raises ray bans to look around] oh for Tiffany's sake, light that fireplace and queue the soft funk. Get to the scenes that pay the billssss
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