depresseddamsel.nyc.gov @youngflatbushhoolie - Tumblr Blog

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I just feel like I settle too much in life and that’s why I’m stuck being unhappy. Rarely do good things happen for me and I am at fault. I’ve always talked myself out of better for myself or going for what I truly want and it’s biting me in the ass now. I just feel empty.

Fall, winter, spring the nail salon is empty. It touch 78° and it’s full. Ooooo how I hate people.

Postpartum Thoughts:

I hate that people say “everything will return to normal”. Your normal becomes a new normal that you have learn and accept. Nothing will ever be the same. Not your relationships with people. Not your morning routine. Not even your thoughts.

What is the limit on being selfish? Do you get a pass for it? Or do you still have to show up for everything?

Why is it that during the pregnancy phase you feel so loved and once the baby comes you feel alone? Is it because losing a baby is such a high risk so making sure they make it, is everyone’s priority? Then when the baby comes everyone thinks “mommy has it”.

What is mommy doesn’t have it? Is it rude to ask someone if they’re going through postpartum? You could also ask “how’s your mental?” Or try to get the information out of them. But if they’re like me, you’ll never know. They will suffer in silence until the tears become too loud.

When will I feel like myself again? Or at least the new version of myself? I know everyone is different but what’s the maximum amount of time you should take? Taking too long could have you completely lose yourself. But also, not taking enough time can have you lose yourself as well.

Motherhood is a beautiful scam. Nothing will ever fully prepare you. NOTHING. There is no class you can take. There is nothing anyone can tell you. Some of the basics help but everything else is a journey of its own and everyone’s is different.

Very glad my baby is good vibes. Imagine going through all of this and having a baby who is going through a lot as well. I feel for those mothers. And babies don’t talk so you literally have to figure it out on your own. Google has a million solutions for the different issues all with the same symptoms. It’s impossible to know which one your baby is experiencing.

That’s all for now.

To: My Son

When I first found out about you, a wave of emotions came over me. I was shocked. I was scared. I was nervous. I was truly at a loss for words.

Then you began growing, I finally got to see you and fell in love.I spoke. I danced. I played you music. Made sure I ate right. Took my vitamins. Any medicine given. I planned. I prayed.

11.08.23 1:13am, I got to meet you. You were tiny but big. Very quiet. Observant from day 1. I fell in love even more.

Days to weeks to months and it’s just us 2 in our own little world. We bonded. I learned you. You learned my scent. We relied on each other. Me needing you more. You gave me life and joy.

Anyone who meets you, loves you. It’s inevitable. You are happiness everywhere you go. Even with your bad attitude. I give credit to my amazing pregnancy and all the love given to not only me, but you as well.

You’re getting so big and I wish I could pause time but watching you grow and learn and discover has been so fulfilling.

You will forever be my big squish, my reason for continuing life.

I am grateful for you. Thank you.

I’ve been having so many thoughts but not able to get them out here.

Bear with me as I trauma dump.

A lot of my thoughts happen in the shower. Today as I was thinking, I told myself that I need to start getting everything out as it comes so I don’t forget but getting my phone wet scares me.

I thought about blogging everything that came to my mind but I’d be on here every second of the day. Only time my mind doesn’t have idle thoughts is when I’m teaching and the stuff I think during that time? Yea…

Baby K is really my twin with a blend of his father and I personality. I’m so excited to continue to watch him grow and form his own identity. I think he’s going to be pretty cool. Very well rounded, for sure.

If you ever have to choose between someone else and me, choose them.

I went through Baby K clothes today and I can’t believe he’s grown so much. It made me kinda sad to see all the tiny clothes. I love my baby as a baby. So pure and innocent. Full of untainted thoughts and actions. Just living and laughing. It’s beautiful. I’m usually a pessimist but he makes me feel optimistic about everything. Truly my light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t wish I did things differently in life because everything happens for a reason. But when I reflect, I see so many places my life could’ve gone and it does get to me. Just need to take whatever that feeling is and channel it into fuel for the life I do live.

I was meant to be a mother. It fits so well.

Theres more but of course I can’t recall any of it so I’ll deff make time to use this more. Should I date every post moving forward? Should I add a signature? Hmmmm.

YoungFlatbushHoolie

05.19.24 9:45PM

I clicked the ask a question feature by accident and can’t remove it via app so ignore this.

Thank you

Thank you x2

Voting ended onMay 21, 2024

Babies cry. It’s literally the one thing they come out doing. I need to become okay with my baby crying. I shouldn’t take it personal nor should I feel bad when he does.

I let him cry the other day while getting him dressed and I didn’t feel so bad about it. I ignored him and kept doing what I was doing.

But part of me feels that if I can prevent him from crying, why not do just that?

It’s such a roller coaster.

Middle school children and paint. You would think I learned my lesson from the first semester but no, here we go again.

I wish I felt more comfortable talking in person to people about what’s wrong. I usually choke up or cry, which is very understandable but I hate it.

My bf is really the goat at solving my problems but I’m too nervous to have a face to face with him. I always text and I know he isn’t fond of it but gets that it’s how I am.

I’m very excited for therapy. I hope it helps.

Mood.

There’s birds in my AC at work and part of me wants to turn it on so they leave but it sounds like babies so that may be kinda mean of me.

I don’t think the custodian can fix this either. Stupid nature.

Happy almost birthday ❤️ I hope you find it in yourself to stay strong and stay here. I promise you you’re not the problem. Maybe it’s time to relocate? Get a new job on the west coast and start fresh? Hell, maybe just take a solo trip to your favorite place and clear your head (that one always helps me - I’d recommend a quiet beach at night or an easy but secluded trail during the day). Whatever you do, just know that you’re not alone and that there are people who love you for YOU. Your family and your chosen family. Whether you have a huge celebration or not, I hope you have an absolutely perfectly amazing birthday, and I hope that you find ways to feel better and create more moments of joy for yourself. It won’t always be like this. ❤️❤️❤️

I’m just seeing this and wow. Whoever you are, if you see this; THANK YOU. A year later and it still is needed to hear. I hope you are happy, blessed and surrounded by peace and love.

dabirkinbae

be self centered. this is your life.

youngflatbushhoolie

Trying.

Good morning,

Back here again. My last post was July 3rd,2022 and reading back much hasn’t changed. Temporary happiness. A lot has happened since then.

I had my 30th party and truly had fun. Seeing people show up for me was nice.

I had a baby. The cutest baby ever. Baby K. At home water birth, no drugs. 8lbs 14oz. Hefty baby boy. Motherhood has been a roller coaster but we’ll get into that later.

I’m a teacher now. Middle school art. Charter.

Been committed for 2 years. Longest ever. Gotta explore this later on too.

Finally gonna go to therapy. Gonna use tumblr to express my feelings. Taking a social media break (finsta included). Tumblr really used to be my fav app. Helped me a lot in high school/college. Let’s see what it brings 30+ me.

Also, I never thought I’d come back to tumblr just to vent my sadness. My tumblr used to be so lit and happy from highschool - college. Now it’s real life sadness and that sucks

If it wasn’t for my nieces, suicide would be heavy on my mind. I really love them and they love me so much. Knowing that I’m so important to them really keeps me going. I have to make it for my girls.

I guess I’m back to blogging my feelings. Hopefully it helps me. Better out than in right?

Growing up is realizing that you truly have no friends that will go above and beyond for you. It’s realizing that everyone calls to you for everything but you can’t do the same.

It’s small but I really wish I had my own friend group.

There’s always places I want to go or things I want to do but I truly just have myself. Im starting to think it’s me. Am I not as friendly as I think I am? Do people not like me as much as I assume they do?

I don’t have a solid group of male friends either.

Im in tears writing this because it hurts so bad. I wish I realized this before. Well I mean I knew it but it hurts a lot more now.

Here I am planning a huge 30th birthday and now I don’t even want to. For what?! Have people “celebrate” me for a day just to return to their normal lives after.

I really believe that if I went mia, people wouldn’t miss me. They’d miss all the shit I do for them. They’d miss the convenience of me. I’m accessible to everyone because I truly enjoy being there for people and it’s very depressing to know that’s all you are to people.

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