Young Mom Support

Every child loved, every mother able. Support for pregnant & parenting teens

[youngmomsupport]

4 easy steps to preventing teen pregnancy

Teen Pregnancy Prevention. I'm going to talk about it. You might want to stand back. Step 1 - a million, recurring Make sure every child - boy & girl - gets accurate, ongoing sex education from long before they'll be sexually active. Including issues of their physical development and the development of the opposite sex, all manner of details about sex itself, masturbation, contraceptive information, pregnancy information including all options such as abortion, adoption, parenting. STI & HIV information, porn, consent, healthy RELATIONSHIPS - sexual and non-sexual. Talk about how sex of any kind is not a requirement of a relationship and that their worth is not measured by their sexual activity. Their worth is immeasurable. Make a world where this is true. Talk. Constantly, all the time. At home, at school. Everywhere. Be the first to explain, be the most reliable source of information, be the most trustworthy person to talk to. Be the place they know they'll get the answers they need. Don't make them scared to open their mouths and talk. Sex ed based on scare tactics does not work. Threats of damnation and shame for even considering sex, ever, will keep those mouths shut and those questions unasked, until it's too late. Demolish any obstacle - cultural, religious, institutional - that gets in the way of young people accessing the information and services they require. Do this every time and every place you see it. Step 2a Don't want teenagers to only live in the moment? Want them to look ahead and consider consequences of their actions? Give them something to look forward to. Give them the chance at some kind of future. Meaning, jobs. Real ones, that pay real money that you can live on. Education that means something. A real chance at a life different to the one they might have now. Remove the need for transactional sex with adult men. Because if the only way you're going to eat tonight is to have sex with that slobbery dude round the corner - who wouldn't do it? Who wouldn't? Step 2b And then, once you've eradicated poverty, removed the obstacles stacked up against the chances of anyone actually getting that life, and ensured opportunities for every person who may be willing to take them up: sit a minute and remember all the times you have made a simple, once-off stupid decision which may or may not have had consequences that could change your life. If there were no consequences, you were lucky that time. Just for e.g: have you run any red lights this week? Step 3 Related to step 1 but different. Make sure girls and boys know what a healthy relationship looks like, what love is and ISN'T. Actually, scratch that. It's not about relationships. It's the simple idea that one human = the same as another human, so behave accordingly. Remove every patriarchal structure in place that teaches that girls should not have bodily, emotional, sexual or intellectual autonomy. Teach the boys that girls do not exist for their convenience. The go back and teach the adults. Round up all the slobbery old men and make sure they hear you. Create the world that's safe for your daughters and sons. And then, when you're finished, talk to the girls. And they'll be like "Duh. We were wondering when you'd all catch on to this". Step 4 So. Patriarchy removed. The pants of adult men remain resolutely ON. Poverty eradicated. All the sex education ever, provided. Ditto all contraceptive services. Condoms raining from the skies. Now you have to remember this - and you won't like it (maybe) Sometimes girls and boys of a similar age, in a healthy and not-unequal relationship, fully informed of all the facts, have sex because they want to. Because human biology. Because feelings. Because normal. Do you remember? And sometimes, when they do this, despite every precaution taken - pregnancy still occurs. Because, again, human biology. We CAN do something about steps 1-3. Step 4? This one has always been here, and won't be shifted without lobotomies. Once pregnancy does occur - there's a whole other conversation that has to happen (again, because obviously if you followed step 1 you've discussed this eventuality already). Questions of choices and feelings and future and what you're willing / not willing to do. While remembering, of course, that this does not have to be the end of everything. Are you still here? Exhausted yet? Seems like a lot of work, doesn't it? That's because it is. That's because we should only, really, be having to deal with the occasional Number 4 situation. But we're not. We're dealing with Steps 1 - 3, mostly. None of which, incidentally, the young girls and boys of today had ANYTHING to do with putting in place, and cannot change by themselves. So that's my easy 4 step guide to teen pregnancy prevention. Easy to fit on a t-shirt? Snappy enough for ya? No? Or - you could do what we've been doing since forever and simply tell girls to close their legs or else. Yeah, that'll work. From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2992

[youngmomsupport]

The Story of Alex: A 16 year old dad

Let’s talk about Alex. Alex is a 16 year old father. His girlfriend became pregnant after they had sex one time without a condom, which they don’t usually do. Alex was scared and didn’t know where to turn. When he told his parents, they were angry and disappointed, but said they would support him no matter what happened. Alex’s girlfriend decided to have the baby. Alex was there throughout the pregnancy, but the relationship eventually fell apart, although he tried hard to keep it together as he wanted his child to have both parents around. Once baby Jade was born, Alex’s girlfriend’s parents had to take a lot of responsibility as she was not in a position to do so. Eventually they decided they would not be able to look after the baby anymore. Baby’s mom then decided she did not want to do it anymore and so dropped baby at Alex’s house saying it was his responsibility. Alex was in shock but did not want his child to grow up in foster care or another family so he and his family said they would take baby Jade in. How was Alex going to manage going to school and being a parent? He didn’t know anything about looking after a newborn baby! Surely he was too young to learn how to change nappies or put her to sleep? What did he know about bottles and formula and baby development? Dropping out of school was not an option for him. He also didn’t want all the responsibility for raising the child to fall on to his parents’ shoulders, even though he would, for a while, have to rely on them for financial support. He wanted to be Jade’s dad. Fortunately, his parents were there to teach him the basics of baby care. He read a lot about it, took her to the clinic religiously and asked the nurses when he was worried. He made a lot of mistakes at first but soon got the hang of it. He found a way to stay in school after talking to his teachers, sometimes taking work home when Jade was sick or he was unable to find childcare for her that day. He got up in the middle of the night to feed her. He worried when she was sick. He got a part time job on the weekends to help pay for her food, nappies and formula – plus the extra childcare costs being away from her entailed. Many of his friends were no longer interested in being around him – his priorities were different. He was not interested in drinking or partying, or even girls. Today, he’s sometimes lonely as he has little in common with any of his peers. He sometimes thinks about getting back together with Jade’s mom, but he knows that she’s not good for him or Jade. She comes around to visit Jade sometimes, but not reliably and although she’s said she will contribute financially, somehow that’s never happened. He doesn’t want to stop Jade from seeing her mom, because he knows that relationship is important. But he wishes that she would take more interest in Jade, even if she doesn’t want to be involved in the day to day raising of her. Even if she doesn’t pay any maintenance for Jade – Alex just wants his daughter to know her mother loves her. This worries him a lot, because Jade’s mother is not getting any better. He tries hard to focus on his schoolwork because he knows how important his education was to both him AND Jade. He wants to be an engineer after school and is talking to his teachers about how to fund his studies. Every morning he gets up at 5am, packs Jade’s bag for the day, makes her breakfast, tidies up the house, does a load of Jade’s washing then prepares for school. At 6am he wakes her, feeds her, dresses her and leaves home at 7 to drop her off at daycare. He then makes his way to school until 3pm. After school, he fetches her at 4pm and takes her home. He spends time with her playing and bonding – he knows how important it is to be the one special person in her life, and he worries sometimes that he doesn’t spend enough time with her. He wants to make their time together count. His parents do offer to help, but he is afraid to accept too much help because he doesn’t want them to think he’s taking advantage, and he has so little time with Jade he doesn’t want to share it, even if he feels exhausted. Then it’s suppertime, bathtime and bedtime. Sometime around 8pm he can settle down to do his homework and study. Jade doesn’t really sleep well right now as she’s teething so he’s up with her a few times a night, and she usually ends up sleeping in his bed with him. Next morning he gets up and does it all over again. Alex is very young to have all this responsibility, and he knows it. However, he knows he’s doing his best. He knows Jade could not have a better father than him. He would not change it for anything, even though it’s hard sometimes. The challenges of being a parent are worth the reward to him and he’s happy. Tired, worried, stressed, but happy. Other parents discuss Alex with their own sons – “If only you could be more like him! He’s a serious boy, with serious responsibilities and he’s doing so well! He’s not wasting time on drinking and getting into trouble!” Alex knows that not all teenage dads are like him. He knows there are many who don’t do a good job and their children suffer. He doesn’t want that for Jade. He wants her to have a good life and he’s doing everything he can to give her that. When Alex goes out to the mall with Jade, people smile at him. They are impressed with this young dad taking responsibility and obviously being a great father. You can see it in the way Jade is with him. Other mothers come up to talk to him and ask about Jade. He feels good being able to show her to the world. He is proud of her, and yes, he is proud of himself. So that’s Alex’s story. There are many Alex’s in the world, doing their best against great odds. There are many Jades in the world, lucky to have parents who are as committed and responsible as he is. Aren’t you proud of Alex? Don’t you think he’s awesome? Don’t you think we should hear more about people like him? To encourage them and to show other dads what they too can achieve? I think so. Now. Imagine Alex was a girl. What do you think now? Would she also be getting those smiles in the mall? From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2974

[youngmomsupport]

A series of emails from a young girl over a few months. This is why Young Mom Support exists. Your own kind words could make a difference to someone else's life. Just be kind?

[youngmomsupport]

How to talk about teen pregnancy

I used to get excited when I saw a conversation in the media or public about teen pregnancy. I always thought “Maybe someone out there will hear this and find out what they need to know” or that someone would hear / see their experiences reflected and be able to say “Yes, I get what they’re talking about”. At a push, I’d hope that people who’ve never been there would be able to walk away having learned something. Anything. I don’t get excited anymore. In fact, to save my sanity, I tend to switch off, close the browser or walk away when the topic comes up. It’s seldom that you come across the conversation where the people involved are asking the right questions, have an understanding of who they are talking to, or what they are trying to achieve. Instead we hear about prevention (a valid conversation, but a separate one), and we hear the same statistics drawn from the same sources and very very seldom from a pregnant teenager or teen parent themselves. We need to be more clear about what we’re trying to do. Are you trying to encourage sexually active non-pregnant teens to use contraception by telling them how hard it is to be a teen mom? Are you trying to tell pregnant teens what their options are? What are you saying to teen parents? *Are* they included in this conversation? (If not, perhaps you could ask yourself *why* not) Or are you talking to the general public and not to those affected (or potentially affected) at all? It’s a complex conversation with many different areas to focus on. They cannot be lumped together and think that covers it. Someone out there will be missing out. Someone looking for information, ideas on where to get help, a reason to reach out, a reason to feel brave – will not be wasting their time listening to a Minister discussing stats and condoms again. There’s no harm in picking one at a time to discuss. But don’t neglect the others. I think it’s a simple idea, so logical it’s laughable. Just ask – why are we talking about this? What are we trying to achieve? Who should be hearing this? And once you’ve answered those questions – you might be prompted to ask yourself why the conversation was framed in that way.

[conor-engelbrecht]

Cross-Section: a Collection of Short Stories - Kindle edition by Conor Engelbrecht, Linda Engelbrecht. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Cross-Section: a Collection of Short Stories.

So, like, here’s an anthology of short stories that I wrote a few years ago, plus a kickass cover drawn by my dear grandmother.

So buy a copy, maybe?

[youngmomsupport]

Babalwa's Story: Strong Woman

From Young Mom Support. Babalwa has asked me to post her story for her. For those of you from outside South Africa, note that English is not her first language. She's in Grade 11 currently.

My name is Babalwa Njini. I was born in Cape Town, and I went to Eastern Cape and my grandmother raised me until I went back to Cape Town to my parents. I went to school and Ukhanyo Primary School I did all the grades until High School. My life is hard because I have a child – his name is Emihle. When I was pregnant I cried because I was young to be a mother, so I was saying I don’t want this child because I need education. I want my life to be easy and I don’t want to have serious for child things, because a child is a hard thing. I was shocked I was pregnant but now I love my child. My child is important in my life now. He is a beautiful boy, he loves his mom and grandmother. When my child wants some things I don’t have because I don’t have money. I go to school and my mother doesn’t work. She looks after my child when I go to school, but now she wants a job because we are suffering at home. Maybe we don’t have food to eat or we don’t have electricity to light for my child and we sleep without electricity. But God is good and we can survive because God is good all the time. And I don’t have a father, my grandmother took the house of my father and sold it to other people. When I asked my grandmother why do you do this to us she say she wanted to do tradition for us but she did not do it. Every day I think about my father’s house, those people they stay in my father’s house, I pray to God, I want my father’s house. But now I look to my future because I want to raise my child and I want to give my child a future in life. People say my future is over but God says carry on with your future and be successful in your life. I want to be a journalist one day in my life because education is important in this life. But I am a strong woman. No-one can take that. I am a strong woman. © Babalwa Njini 2014

[youngmomsupport]

#DearTeenMom

Need more of these! Post your own and share! Please please! Tweets about "#DearTeenMom" !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+"://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs");

[youngmomsupport]

The Girl Who Couldn't Say No: Memoir of a teenage mom from @amazon -Kindle or dead tree. All $$ to Young Mom Support.

[youngmomsupport]

Teen moms & extended family: learning to get along

From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2808 Teen moms often live with their parents or other family. This is not necessarily the right choice for everyone; it all depends on your current family situation and dynamics. Many people believe it's impossible for 3 generations to live together comfortably in one house, but it CAN work. In fact, having extended family around can be beneficial for everyone. Young mothers have a support structure in place to help and guide them, grandparents can build a very close relationship with their grandchildren (and it keeps them young!), and the grandchildren themselves can benefit from having "extra arms to love them", and learning to be considerate of other people. It's only in very recent times that the nuclear family of mother, father and children living alone has been the norm - in generations past and indeed in many cultures today, extended family living together is the norm. It can be tricky to find the correct balance of privacy, compromise and support, but it is possible. Let's talk about how to do it. There is less money, less space and less privacy Everybody’s life changes, not just the teen mom’s life Sometimes there is tension between grandparents and teen moms Fighting between the teen mom and her parents will affect the child If you live with your parents or family – how do you get along? What would you like to change? The mother’s role You might be young, but you are still your child’s mother Even though you might rely on your parents for a home and financial support, the responsibility for looking after your child, making decisions about his life, and disciplining him is still up to you There is nothing wrong with accepting help: but you must make sure you do not take advantage of your parents: for example, using your mom to babysit so that you can go out all the time You MUST make sure you are doing your part to make life easier for everyone You must not let anybody try and “take over” raising your child: he must know that YOU are in charge, otherwise he will not respect your authority The grandparents’ role It can be hard for your parents to adjust to being grandparents, especially if it was unexpected. They may be worried that you cannot handle the responsibility, and that they will end up having to raise the child themselves. It's up to you to make sure they know they don't have to be worried about this. Most parents love their daughters and want to help her: so they might be offering advice or doing things for baby that you don’t want them to do - it might feel like they're "taking over". Realise that in most cases they are simply trying to help you. However, grandparents need to accept that YOU are the mommy, and that your decisions are final. Grandparents can offer to help financially, or with a certain amount of babysitting, but they cannot be expected to raise this new baby themselves too. As we said, make sure you show them by your behaviour and decisions that you CAN be trusted to be a good parent. Being a grandparent can be rewarding and special: YOU do the mommy work, and let granny be a granny. Learning to get along Sometimes the elders in the family assume they know best, and young moms must listen to them without question. This is not always true: all new moms are still learning, and you WILL make mistakes. Be willing to accept help or advice from your parents, but always make sure you do what YOU feel comfortable with. Sometimes older people want to raise children in an “old-fashioned” way that you might not agree with. This is often the case with outdated health related issues: for instance you might want to only give baby solid foods after 6 months, and your mom wants you to give him porridge at 3 months. It can be difficult to get older parents to adapt to "new" ways of parenting, but they can learn together with you. You need to be TACTFUL and respectful of your parents, but FIRM with them, if you disagree with something. Communication! The only way to get along is to TALK! Have a family meeting, preferably while you are still pregnant, to discuss what everyone’s roles are: talk about how much babysitting granny will be prepared to do, and when. Discuss who will look after him when you are at school Discuss who will do baby’s washing and cooking, who will get up at night to feed him Discuss how you will share the other housework Discuss how much your parents will contribute financially Discuss if they will expect you to move out at some stage Discuss who will deal with disciplining the child, and make sure you all agree on the rules The Golden Rules The key to living with your family is: Compromise: everybody will have to make some sacrifices and consider other people Communication: make sure you’re all talking about how you’re feeling, especially when you are unhappy about something Acceptance: parents need to accept that their daughter is now a mother, and she is the one who has the final say in how things work. Teen moms - you need to accept that you are now a mother, and NOT expect your parents to raise your child for you Appreciation: you need to show your parents appreciation for what they do for you. Parents need to encourage their daughters in their parenting, and NOT make them feel bad for being a teen mom Last thing How your family handles your situation depends on what kind of family you were before. If your family was abusive, dysfunctional or unhappy before – having a new baby in the house will make it even worse. If your family was strong and happy before – you will all be able to handle your new situation. You need to be strong enough to: Ask for help if you need it Not take advantage of your parent’s help Say NO to your parents if they want to do something you don’t agree with Show your appreciation to your parents Speak out about things that bother you Accept that adults do not always know best: listen to their advice about parenting issues, but in the end YOU are in charge of your child

[youngmomsupport]

One of the topics we cover in our sessions is dating and relationships as a teen mom. It's an important issue - just because you're now a mother, it does not

[youngmomsupport]

Tips for teen moms

[youngmomsupport]

How do I tell my parents I'm pregnant?

From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2779 If you're a teen girl and you've just found out you're pregnant, chances are you're worried about how to tell your parents. It's the question girls ask me so often, and the answer – unfortunately – can't be the same for everyone. It's all going to depend on your unique family situation. Things I hear all the time: They're going to kill me! They'll disown me They'll beat me They'll kick me out of the house "They'll kill me!" is usually her first thought. Fortunately, for most girls this isn't true. Before you go in there, though – here are some things you should consider. Give some thought to what your decision might be: are you thinking abortion, adoption, parenting? Only you can answer this question. And when the time comes to discuss it with your parents, you will need to have a sense of what you want, and be able to stand up for your decision Tell them sooner rather than later. If your parents are paying attention – the longer you leave it, the more likely they are to figure it out for themselves. You will feel better about yourself, and they will have more respect for you – if you don't try and hide it. Taking charge of the situation, taking the hard step of telling them despite your fear, is a sign that you're taking responsibility. They will be angry, scared, disappointed. Even the most loving and supportive of parents are going to be shocked. Expect this, and allow them to feel it. Realise that at first, their reactions might not reflect their real feelings. Give them a bit of time to calm down. You know your family best. Some families will be upset at first, but will then calm down and get back to normal. Others will not. Some girls are RIGHT to feel afraid of the consequences, as their families are not the most supportive, or even abusive. If you suspect that this is the case for you, speak to another trustworthy adult first (a teacher, relative, friend), and get them to come with you when you speak to them. Understand that while all parents SHOULD be supportive – not all are going to be. Their support or lack of it might have an effect on the path you end up choosing. This is going to be hard. You are going to feel bad. Your parents are going to be hurt, and you are going to be the cause of that hurt. There is no getting around this. There is no easy way to say it. So just spit it out. Get some privacy with them and just say it. Don't fight with them. Let them vent. Answer their questions. Tell them you love them and that you need them. Tell them your plan (or the beginnings of it) – let them see that you are taking responsibility. For most of you – it's true that no matter how angry they might be right now – your parents love you. You can be okay – your whole family can be okay again. It will take some time but it will happen if you all let it. But first – you have to do the hard thing. Don't put it off. If you're reading this, dear preggy girl – go do it now. It's not the end.

[youngmomsupport]

My girlfriend is pregnant - now what?

From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2693 First. The fact that you're reading this is a good thing. You may be confused and scared - looking for answers is a sign that you're taking this seriously. For that, thank you. You will be okay - you have a lot of thinking, soul-searching and learning to do now, but you're on the right track. The time that's coming is going to change your life forever. It's a chance to find out the kind of person you really are. It's okay to be scared. It's what you do next that counts. A lot will depend on your current circumstances and relationship - but you need to make sure she understands that you're there for her. She needs medical attention urgently (no matter what she decides to do), she needs to tell her family and begin making plans for the future. Denial helps nobody - help her take the steps she needs to. Many boys ask me the following: How do I tell my parents? Do it soon. You WILL need your parents help - there's no way around it. Many boys assume the worst of their parents - convinced they will be kicked out the house. This is not necessarily true. Before you tell them, make sure that you and your girlfriend have spoken, and have at least the beginning of a plan. You don't have to have all the answers yet. But you need to show your parents that you are taking charge. They will be angry, disappointed, upset - all of these. You have to accept their initial feelings - knowing that usually, parents do come around and accept the situation. If this is not the case, you're going to need outside help. Speak to a relative, teacher, counsellor for help if your parents are not supportive. What if it's not my child? You can request a paternity test after the baby's born. The important question to ask yourself here is: do I have a valid reason to think it's possibly not my child, or am I just looking for a way out? Be honest with yourself. Until you know for sure, if you have had sex with her, you have to assume that it's your child. How can I make her have an abortion / keep the baby? You do not have the right to make a decision on whether abortion, adoption or parenting is chosen. This is very hard for many young men to understand - but it's a case of basic biology. The person who is pregnant is the only one who can make this decision, because it is her body and life that is going to be most affected by the pregnancy itself. You have to accept this. Of course, you are entitled to tell her what you'd like - but understand that this does not mean pressuring her. She is going to face enough pressure from other people - you need to be the one she can count on. The outcome may not be what you want. Your job right now is to accept her decision and move forward from there. If she decides on abortion, it could help if you are with her. Ask her what she needs. If she does decide to keep the baby, you might have the following concerns: I'm not interested in being a father This is, of course, your choice. In South Africa, you have the legal responsibility to support your child financially, even if you don't have a relationship with them. Even if you choose not to be involved, you're still legally required to pay maintenance. I'd ask you to consider this very carefully. There will be a child out there - your child - who has a right to have his parents care for him. Besides your financial responsibility - even more importantly - you have an emotional responsibility. Many young dads are not initially interested, only to find themselves regretting this choice years later. It's not only your life that will be affected. Please think about this and be sure. A parent is either 100% in or 100% out. Consistency is very important - your child will need to know they can rely on you, not just turning up whenever you feel like it. Your decision now will affect you and your child for the rest of your lives. It's not a decision to be made out of selfishness or fear. We're no longer together or I don't want to be with her That's okay. You don't have to be involved to take responsibility and to be a good father, if that's what happens. Many parents manage to raise their children well, without being together any longer. It takes a lot of effort from everyone involved - but it CAN be done. Do not stay with a person you don't love "for the sake of the baby" - this will only hurt your child more in the long run. You STILL have the responsibility to be an involved and PRESENT father, even if you're not with his / her mother. What must I do while she's pregnant? This will depend on your relationship status with her, and how much time you're physically together. What she needs now is somebody that she can count on, who will not let her down when she's vulnerable and scared. She needs to see that you are committed to being a father. Doesn't matter if you're together or not - you can still visit / speak to her and find out how she's feeling, how the pregnancy is progressing. Even better if you can attend her doctor's visits with her. Spend this time building your your relationship with her - whether it's a romantic one or just a friendship. You are going to be connected forever, through your child, and baby needs parents who put their own dramas aside to be mom and dad. Learn about pregnancy, birth and parenting. Prepare yourself for what is coming. How can I afford a baby? Honestly, if you're a teenager, the answer is that you probably can't. Both parents have the responsibility to provide for their child financially. Reality is, if both of you are still at school, you're going to need help. Many young dads are tempted to drop out and find work to support their child. I fully understand this - but everybody needs to be aware that for both you and baby's mom, your education has to be a priority in the long run. You WILL need your family's help at first. Working part time may be an option, but you cannot let your education go. You need to find a way, as does she. How do I know she's using the money for the baby? The baby is entitled to maintenance payments from the parent he / she does not live with - that's probably you. Your baby's mother may approach the maintenance court for them to set an amount you need to pay. My advice is don't force her to do that. Understand that from now on, the money you DO have needs to go to your child. It's not for the mother. If you are worried that the money is not going towards caring for baby, then go shopping yourself instead of giving money. The only way you're going to know, is if you spend time with your child. But I don't know how to be a dad Bad news: nobody does! Good news: everybody learns. Many young dads make the mistake of thinking that fatherhood is only about providing financially. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Even if you cannot currently provide material things - you can and should be spending time with your child. The only way anybody learns to be a parent is by DOING IT. Everything mom does, dad can do too. This means changing nappies, feeding, bathing. Ask to be shown how. Show your interest, show your commitment, keep trying even when you make a mess of it. Don't be scared of baby. Everybody is clueless at first, and everybody learns. Physical contact and the "chores" of parenting is the best way to build a bond with your child. Ask yourself what kind of father you want to be. Do you want your child to know you will always be there for them? This starts from birth. You CAN do it. She doesn't want me to be around This is probably the hardest situation. First, ask yourself why. ARE you doing everything you can to be a good father? Does she have a valid reason for being concerned? Be honest with yourself. If you find reasons why she could feel that way, then fix it. If you're doing all you can and she still does not want you around - you could approach a family counsellor and the family court for them to intervene and provide access to your child. This will be a long process and you need to be committed to it. The first step for both of you, as always, is talking to each other. Start while she's still pregnant. Discuss how you want things to work once baby is born, lay out your responsibilities, and hers, and have a plan before baby is born. This is not about you, and it's not about her. Both of you need to put your personal feelings aside for the sake of your child. Whether or not the mother is doing the right thing, you need to make sure that you are. You need to be able to look your child in the eye one day and say you did all you could. Finally As a father, your life is going to change. You will need to juggle school, parenting, maybe work. It's going to be difficult. Learn, ask what you can do, be there, love your child and take responsibility for your life and choices. Being a teen father is nothing to be ashamed about. It's the kind of father you are that counts. And no matter how young you are - the kind of dad you are is totally up to you.

[youngmomsupport]

How do I get my child's father to take responsibility?

From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2404 *Disclaimer*: When I use the word “father”, it could just as easily be “mother”, if the situations were reversed. I hear this question all the time. As a single mom, I asked it myself a million times in the early days. It takes two people to make a baby. Both have responsibilities. Financial, emotional, practical ones. It’s not a case of 50/50. Both parents should be giving 100%. Very often, it doesn’t work like that. In the case of teen moms, sometimes the dad does not want to (or is not able to) support the child financially. This causes complications and extra financial responsibility for the mother. There ARE ways around this, such as claiming maintenance via the courts. As many of you know, this is often a long, frustrating and often futile process. But you have to try. The more complicated issue is when a dad (whether he’s paying or not), is not interested in being involved in the child’s life. Not interested in doing his part, taking responsibility or even having a responsibility-free, fun-dad relationship with his child. Moms ask me all the time – How can I get him interested? Short and nasty answer: you can’t. Rule one: This is NOT about you. Rule two: You cannot force a person to love another person, even a sweet innocent child Rule three: This is NOT about you. Rule four, five & six: This is NOT about you. Yes, a deadbeat dad causes extra work for the mom. She has nobody to rely on, nobody to “help”, nobody to shoulder some of the strain of parenting. It HURTS to realise that dad does not love this little person who you care about so much. It HURTS to know that some day you’re going to have to explain this to your child. It makes you ANGRY knowing that he is “getting off easy” while you do all the work. Truth is, you can’t make it right. Only he can. All YOU can do is behave in a way that ensures you’ll be able to look your child in the eye one day and say you did all you could. Your 1st responsibility: do all you can to make sure he is supporting his child financially. NOT because it helps YOU – but because it is YOUR CHILD’S right. Sometimes, this isn’t going to work. Then it IS going to be all on you. Your 2nd responsibility: never ever ever say bad things about dad to your child. No matter how frustrated or angry you get, no matter how hurt you feel on your child’s behalf. DON’T DO IT. You need to be able to look back one day, when your child asks, and KNOW 100% that you did everything right. Your 3rd responsibility: keep encouraging dad to be involved. Tell him your child wants him and needs him around. Keep all your personal feelings about him to yourself. Do NOT fight with him about his life or choices. Do NOT say he has a responsibility to you to help. He doesn’t. He has a responsibility to his child. Keep trying, so you can tell your child that you did. Your 4th responsibility: know when to let it go. An abusive, addicted or criminal father has no place in a child’s life, until such time as he’s not those things anymore. If there is no relationship with the child, despite your best efforts to build one, and you see that your child is happy, healthy and secure despite this (this is YOUR job, to make sure that they are) – then no father is better than a lousy father. Continuing to fight to make dad care will stress you out, will ultimately stress your child out, and as they get older, they might resent being forced to interact with a father who obviously doesn’t want to. While the courts might be able to legally compel a parent to pay maintenance, they cannot be forced to care. Any parent who is being forced into doing it will NEVER do a good job. So sometimes, as unfair as it is (to you and mostly your child) -you have to let it go. Let him wander off into the sunset, knowing that your child will be okay regardless, because YOU will make sure of it. Yes, it sounds like he’s “getting off scott-free”, and that makes some people angry. So what? So what if he’s now having an easy life while you struggle? The Rules above, remember? It’s NOT about you. It’s only about your child. And if your child is okay, that’s all that counts. Even if it means you have to pick up all the slack and do all the work – the alternative is that you don’t. That you say “Dad won’t do his share, why should I do extra?” That is the OPPOSITE of a good mother. That lousy dad may one day wake up and realise what he’s lost. That’s sad. It’s sad for a child if his father doesn’t care. But it doesn’t have to define their life. You can make sure it doesn’t. Your job: try and try and try again. Mind your own business about his personal life (unless it directly affects the child). Make a life for your child that will be awesome despite dad. Know that you’re doing it all the right way, and your child will always know that you did what was best for him. So – how can you make a father take responsibility? You can’t. Only he can decide to do that. If he doesn’t, you go on regardless. Because that’s your job.

[youngmomsupport]

The I'm pregnant, now what? post was really amazing... it laid everything out there, instead of it all being scrambled up in my head... Thanks!

I'm glad it helped! You'll be okay, whatever happens. It's up to you. This can be the scariest thought, or the most empowering thought. Let it be the latter. x

[youngmomsupport]

I'm pregnant. Now what?

First of all. Take a breath. Breathe. You will be okay. This is going to be a hard conversation, and what comes after will be even harder. But you CAN be okay. You're going to need to stand up and take charge right now, even though you're scared and feel alone. You're not alone though, cos I'm here, talking to you. What should I do? I'm not going to answer that. Only you can know what you should do. I'm going to ask you "What do you want to do?", and you're going to find your gut feeling. Forget logistics or money or other people for now. If none of those outside issues existed - what do you want? We will get to the practical problems in a minute. First you have to know - thinking of yourself as a mother, right now, do you get an immediate NO feeling or a maybe yes feeling? Feelings come first, then asking those hard questions - to see if you can make it work - then back around to feelings again. Over and over until you reach a conclusion. You might have a feeling about what you want to do - but after looking at the practical issues, you might realise that you won't be able to do it. You will then have to go back and look at the other choices again. There is no easy choice here. All of your options have consequences - there is no right answer. There is only the choice that is right for you.

No - I don't want to be a mother Okay. That's okay. I'm not going to ask you if you're sure, not just yet. Nobody is deciding anything yet. Just to be clear: is this what YOU want? Making ANY decision here - to keep someone else happy - will not end well for you. This is one of the most personal and difficult decisions you will ever have to to make, and you are the one who has to live with the consequences. So it HAS to be your decision alone. Abortion How do you feel about abortion? Is it something you're willing to do? If yes, is there still time? Currently in SA, the law says you have to be less than 12 weeks for an abortion - and up to 20 weeks in special cases. Are you still within that time frame? If not, then this option is off the table and won't work. How do you think you might feel afterwards, if you choose to terminate the pregnancy? Some people struggle with it after, some people do not. You can and should receive counselling before and after, if you want it. Termination of pregnancy HAS to be done in a safe, legal environment by trained professional medical staff, like at hospital or clinic. There are NO shortcuts. There is NO way to "do it at home without anyone finding out". Put that idea out of your mind completely - trying to induce your own miscarriage, or using illegal abortion providers can kill you. Please, this is serious. You will need to approach your local clinic URGENTLY to get the process going. That means you will HAVE to tell the doctor / nurse your situation and what you need. This will be hard, but it has to be done. There is a chance they will not treat you well. But this is their JOB. They are required to do it. You need to be strong enough to handle what people might say to you, when you're feeling your most vulnerable. You need to consider where the clinic is, how you're going to get there, how you're going to pay for it (if you are choosing a private clinic), how much time you will need away from school / work / home - if you're not planning on telling anyone where you're going, how are you going to explain your absence? It's very hard to do this alone, and you shouldn't have to. Please consider asking your boyfriend, friend or relative to go with you. Adoption If you know you don't want to be a mother, but you do not want to have an abortion OR it's too late for an abortion, you might consider adoption What do you know about adoption? Read about it here You will still need to make your pregnancy known to your family. How will they react? How will they react to your adoption choice? How will you manage school while pregnant, and after giving birth? Adoption is forever. You cannot change your mind once it is final. There are options for open adoption, where it's possible you might still be able to keep in touch with your child's new family. How will you feel afterwards? Make sure that you follow the adoption process properly: you need to be in touch with a social worker who will organise it for you. Do not be tempted to "hand over" your baby to anyone else without following the proper legal procedures. For you, for your child and for the adoptive family, you MUST make sure that everything is done legally. Yes - I want to be a mother This choice has the potential to be the most life-changing. YOU are the one who will be taking responsibility for a child's life. Your life will change - will have to change - forever. It is not the easiest or best choice for everyone. Remember that nobody is READY to be a mom - you have to be WILLING to make the sacrifices your child needs. Read about being willing to be a mom here How will your parents react? Will you have their support? Remember that they will naturally be angry and upset at first. You must expect this, and be able to accept it Speaking to your parents early in your pregnancy is VERY important. You will need an open, honest situation where you are able to begin planning for your future, and getting the health care you need. Do NOT put it off. Are you basing your decision on your baby's father being with you? What if you break up? Are you willing to be a single mother? Read about dad's responsibilities here. Where will you live, while pregnant and afterwards? Do you believe that your family will let you stay with them? Speak to your doctor / nurse - ask them for an appointment with a social worker who will help you with this. Who will support you financially? The government child support grant (SASSA) is NOT enough to pay for all baby's expenses. Do not rely on this alone. What about school? It is very important that you complete your education. Will you be able to stay at school for as long as possible and return after baby is born? It's important you speak to your school soon to make a plan. Read about being pregnant at school here. Do YOU have issues with drugs or alcohol? We all know that these substances are dangerous for baby (and you!) - and that an addicted mother will not be able to give her child the life he / she deserves. It is not something you can just "stop" doing by yourself - you will need help. If you will be staying with your family - what kind of family is it? Is your home a safe and loving environment for a child? If there are issues with abuse in your home - this will not get better just because there's now a baby. It will only get worse. Think hard if your current living situation is the best place for a child. Will you be willing to sacrifice your social life and change your life plans to raise a child? If you will be resentful - your child will feel it. A resentful mother will never be a good mother. Are you really willing to do it? People will judge you - society, your school, family, friends - will you be strong enough to handle that? Do you believe that being a mom will be easy or fun all the time? It's not. It can be a wonderful, loving, beautiful experience - but it IS hard work and sometimes it's not fun at all. Can you handle that? Do you think that having a child will keep your boyfriend with you? It won't. A child will never make a bad relationship better. It will only make it worse - and your child will be the one who suffers the most. Your child is 100% your responsibility - it's not right to hand him over to granny to raise. YOU must do the hard work and take charge. Are you strong enough to stand up to people who might want to take over? Read more about this here. Now that you've answered all those hard questions - maybe your options have changed. Maybe you wanted to have an abortion but it's too late. You need to look at the other choices. Maybe you wanted to raise your child but you know that your family will not support you and you cannot find another place to live. You need to reconsider if being a mom is going to be possible. Above all - remember that this is your decision alone. If you have regrets later, let them be YOUR regrets, not someone else's. If you make a choice based on what someone else tells you to do, you will never know what you might have had yourself. You're still okay. You will be okay. But right now, you have to take a deep breath, stand up - for yourself, your future. Be scared. That's okay. But be strong. No matter your choice, as a pregnant woman you need medical care urgently. Get yourself to the doctor, as soon as you possibly can. Don't hide away from the situation, don't think it will go away. What you do today will be with you forever - don't let time or other people make your choices for you. You can do it. No matter what you choose, you can be happy again.

[youngmomsupport]

The "on-purpose" reasons for teen pregnancy

From http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/2478 This post requires even more mental energy than yesterday’s one. A few things you have to know first. The life that many of us lead – safe, comfortable with people who love us, a roof over our heads and food in the fridge – is NOT the life that many young girls have in South Africa. Their circumstances are completely unlike yours. For many, it’s a case of day-to-day survival. A vague idea of “the future” is a luxury that she cannot afford. It’s about TODAY, making things work in the ways that are available to her. So any logic that YOU might want to apply to a planned teen pregnancy – does not work for her. In the long run, yes, your logic works better. But there IS NO LONG RUN for a girl who doesn’t have school shoes, sanitary pads, breakfast, parents who care, or a way to see a possibility of a better life. It takes a certain type of person to live through that and emerge unscathed. Most of us reading this have never been tested in this way. Most of us are probably NOT that certain type of person. She has to live the life she’s been given. So! On to the reasons why girls get pregnant on purpose. 1. Emotional reasons: she wants somebody to love. She needs to feel unconditional love (who doesn’t?) and a baby will provide that. Yes, having a child as a teenager comes with countless complications. But she’s right. A child WILL love her in the way that she needs – but it’s not the child’s job, and if she can’t provide for that child, emotionally / practically, then the cycle starts all over again. Her family should have provided that love. If they had, there would not have been a gap that needed to be filled. How do we fix it: by fixing families. By building stronger, happier families who truly know what unconditional love is about, and parents who understand their responsibilities towards their children: not just financial or disciplinary – but emotional. Young Mom Support is trying to do that, by reaching those young moms- building their confidence and capacity to love and nurture their children, showing them what a parent’s REAL job is – we’re effectively reaching two generations at once. 2. Financial reasons: among the biggest myths about teen pregnancy is that the girls are all after the child support grant. This might be true in some cases. In my experience, most of the teen moms i know are NOT receiving the grant, for many reasons (R300 a month not worth the amount of red tape / travel expenses it takes to get it). Of course, there will be some who DID get pregnant for exactly that reason. You still have to divide that group up into 2: the ones who want R300 a month to party, while granny raises baby, and the ones who are so desperate for any money at all – to survive – that R300 a month to cover the entire family’s expenses seems like a viable option. How do we fix it: oh, that’s an easy one! Just eradicate poverty! Quick, on our lunch break. Seriously though, this will take generations, huge changes in the way our world works, and people who are willing to do it. So – not in a hurry, basically. 3. Relationship reasons: goes along with the two reasons above: if there’s a baby, the boyfriend might stick around to love me, OR boyfriend might be forced into supporting me financially. Both reasons suck, both reasons don’t work. How do we fix it: fix the two things above. THEN – make sure girls know what a healthy relationship looks like. Make sure our boys are offering that sort of healthy relationship. Make sure both boys and girls are aware that relationships ought to be built on love, trust, sharing. And that no relationship based on deception or power will ever work. If they’ve never seen that in practice, how will they know? 4. I just want a different life: this one is hard. Some girls have it tough, for all the reasons mentioned above. Having a child will always change your life, and often (if you do it right), it can be for the better. Parenthood often changes the way we view ourselves, the way others view us, and seems to move us out of the “rut” we find ourselves in. Even girls who don’t have the above issues in their lives can struggle with figuring out where they fit. What is their life for? What are they doing here? It’s a normal question that all normal teenagers ask themselves – it’s a path to growing up. Sometimes the answer is easily found, sometimes it’s not. How do we fix it: this one is so often neglected. Not many people even consider it. But it’s a valid situation that many people find themselves in. Parents, teachers – everyone who has contact with teenagers, need to realise that this isn’t just a “teen-angst” drama queen thing that can be ignored. Feeling lost and needing change happens to most of us at some point. It’s real. Recognise it when you see it, and try to help her find her way. 5. Partner wants a baby: this one happens most often when the power dynamics are skewed in a relationship. Often there’s a big age gap – he’s much older than her. He supports her financially, he wants a child – for whatever reason (sometimes as a way of tying her to him permanently). She doesn’t feel like she can say no. Maybe she has nowhere else to go. How do we fix it: the screwed up relationships between men and women need to fixed. NOTHING will ever get sorted until this is done. All of us can do it, by examining our own beliefs about the place of men and women. Culture is not an excuse. Cultures are made out of people. People can change their minds. So can cultures. Please, spare me with the LET’S EMPOWER WOMEN malarkey. It doesn’t work in isolation. We’ve been trying to empower women for 100 years – and while there has been progress, let’s not pretend we’re anywhere near done. Until men (and the women who buy into the crap) change their minds about how things should work – every single one of those GIRL CHILD projects is pretty much useless. Depressed now? You should be. Anyway – these are only my thoughts on why girls get pregnant on purpose. As I’ve said, everybody has a different reason or bunch of reasons. Most of the reasons I’ve mentioned above relate to SURVIVING IN THE WORLD AS IT IS TODAY Does that sound, really, like it can be solved by telling girls to “keep their legs closed”?