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😂 just pmsing watching a chick flick and getting emotional 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

I use to like to write. Now I can’t even find the words to express how I feel. I miss people so deeply..

I wish you were here to talk to me Nok.

Feb 9, 2023

I waited, I prayed , and I continue to believe justice would be served. Today, He admitted to what he did to you. I feel some relief yet at the same time it feels like someone’s taking a knife out of a wound.. it does not bring you back. What he took away from you, Quin, and everyone who loves you . I cannot fathom losing my mom at all let alone at such a young age. It’s heart breaking. But your kindness, love, and strength lives within all the lives you’ve touched.

July 2, 2022 1:04 am

I just feel all so sadden again.. over and over since this nightmare doesn’t stop. When I see Nok’s sister and mom over here and in tears it breaks my heart. I think about Quinn so much. I worry about her shes only 11 years old. She lost her mom when she barely turned 10. All she has to do is Google either of her parents name and it will pop up “husband kills wife “ I can’t imagine what she’s going through.. I want to know her thoughts.. I want to be there for her. I can only cry for her and her family. I miss Nok so much. I was lucky to have a friend like her. 😭

Nok,

I got to meet Kate, mom, & Quinn today. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Mom and Kate are fine. The house in Thailand is done. As for Quinn, she’s taller than me now. She’s grown into such a beautiful young lady. She’s into volley, and also being guitar lessons. She went to the lgbt parade. She likes to be known as Ollie. You would be proud of her. She’s strong, beautiful, kind, & brave just like her mom. May you Rest In Peace my lovely friend. I miss you all the time.

Today I felt like I was so stressed that I aged 10 years. But it was so meaningful and touching.

Merry Christmas everyone 🥂 https://www.instagram.com/p/CX5H28NMgo2yUNXClztc0CHcs9vN0Fpy-gEYy00/?utm_medium=tumblr

I just wanted to come home to someone who was my friend & my other half. Someone who was happy to be home with me after a long day at work apart. And we didn’t have many days like that… we felt like roommates. Roommates who couldn’t stand each other. It’s like I could feel the energy sucked out of each other when we were around one another. It felt hateful and forced.. and it drained me and made me so so sad for so long. I couldn’t even remember the last time we would even take a minute to honestly genuinely wanted to do something together .. I had to remind myself to not talk to him, to leave him alone, to not say the wrong thing, at the wrong time or in a wrong tone that would turn his day upside down. When all he wanted was to sit and stare at his phone peacefully and without being disturbed.

I don’t doubt that we love and care deeply for each other. But a love shouldn’t be this miserable. I felt so alone and disconnected for such a long time. And I wanted nothing more but for it to work. All my closest friends knew how sad and hurt I was .. just always longing for this deeper connection. Just wanted to feel that I wasn’t so hated for being myself.

I sit and watch movies with my girlfriends and see how they aren’t on their phones. We are completely just happy to do nothing and anything with each other. I finally have people who lets me be myself and just enjoy my presence. I don’t have to tip toe around on egg shells .

You never truly loved me like you say you do. Because you never were ever happy being around me. Never accepted me for me. You cling on to the saying that you love me.. to hold on to us, to keep us in this vicious toxic cycle of co-living with one another. Why? Is it because we just should ? because we have kids ? Because it’s what we’re used to? So, we should stay together resenting each other for not being what we need for one another..? Living like that is so lonely and sad …

When I’m home, I do wonder where you are and who you’re with. I assume those thoughts eat at you when I’m gone. It does suck.. but it honestly wasn’t much different from how we live before .everyone on their own phone never taking to each other. If we did we’d mostly like somehow get upset at one another over how or what was said in a way or in a time that wasn’t to someone’s liking . Then just get upset and not talk to each other some more or talk in such a bad attitude to show how unhappy we were. And it goes on and on like that..

#Spotify

Why do I continue to make poor decisions in life 🤦🏻‍♀️ lol

It’s crazy how I want nothing more than to be alone. I just want to live alone. And some people are afraid to be alone. Living with so many, makes me feel stripped from my personal space.

And maybe that’s what it takes for me to “realize what I had”.

But, I’m ready for that freedom.

It’ll make me step up for for not having the help. It’ll let me live my life how I want. Soak up my days and living style the way I wish.

Nathaniel had a terrible fall at the playground on Sunday and it open his third eye 😂 it’s a pretty big egg size of a bump on his forehead lol what a scare it was though! 😍 https://www.instagram.com/p/CTYhwCQr-HPP7NzTEjTMsVFubsWSZHLfZPyhew0/?utm_medium=tumblr

Look at mommy and smile 🤣💕#nathanielchau #calvintchau https://www.instagram.com/p/CRZony2rq59BoSZAntTMUDopPUquP65YiW3fWQ0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#nathanielchau #calvintchau

I miss you so much Nok!

Still in this spiral of grief.. I feel bipolar.

Sometimes I’m so sad and numb, I don’t want to do anything and interact with anyone. Just lay and cry, and remain in the sorrow .

Other times, I appreciate the good times. Feel better in a sense and then I’m sad again.

Please let there be justice for Nok..

Please guide me through this dark time.

I need to be strong, patient, and kind.

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