Your Guardian Angel

This is yourangelciggy's poetry sideblog I mostly write about mental illness and my relationships Last one got t-worded so here's my new one

[yourangelspoetry]

Ladybug

Dressed in red you’re spotted, With your hands caught polka-dotted, Crawling through the window sill In search of warmth unguarded.

It’s a little sad, in any case The futility of it all But when you can’t run you walk, my dear, And when you can’t walk you crawl.

So while I marvel at your colors, In my notebook I will add Ladybugs, to the list of things That seem to make me sad.

I’d cradle you to warm you, But I dread I'd break your wings You’re in my home to flee the cold In an ironic twist of things.

I’m not equipped to love you I rarely seem to be So I’ll make a wish for ladybugs To find a greener tree.

Your life is very short, I’ve learned from others past So take a rest upon my palms I still think you’re rather beautiful Even if you’re not meant to last.

[yourangelspoetry]

Thank You, Goodbye, and I Do

Drunkenly, I confided

that I don’t know how to love

You leaned your head to rest on me

and told me no one does

You looked up at me solemnly,

asked me to see it through

because if I couldn’t live for me

you knew that I would live for you

So I’ll love in both directions

heartstrings taut and left unguarded

caught on you, still treading forward

scatterbrained and scatterhearted

Now I am pointing to Orion

with the stars upon her hands

and I rattle off some promises

that I’ll never understand

I’ll trip over my heartstrings

and I’ll trip over my words

I’ll take a breath, prepare to leap,

and pray to God it hurts

I’ll look across the smiling crowd

where you swore that you would be

and with wistful sighs

I hope you’re somewhere smiling back at me

So thank you, love, for everything

I couldn’t have done it on my own

Nor, without, ironically,

your choice to let me go

So let’s toast to broken promises

’Cause I can’t do this sober-minded

raising up our broken glasses

to a love too oft requited

[yourangelspoetry]

Until Tomorrow

I know you never meant to hurt me When you slipped away like sand But I don’t stay angry long because I always understand

So I’ll spare you the theatrics But I’m told that I’m not well Cause I’ve been writing out a bucket list that sends me straight to hell

Sometimes I look back fondly On our wicked little crimes Though I know it should perturb me and I pray it will in time

And I dread the empty mornings, More than drunk and lonely nights, Because there’s not much to dull the sense that I won’t be alright

I’ll have this little frightening thought Before my day can even start: Today is now the longest that we’ve ever been apart.

So I’ll read over our messages, My favorite way to die You always seemed to tell the truth Even when meant to lie.

Well I keep on marching forward, But I don’t quite seem to move. And my heart won’t go on healing, You’re still pressing on the bruise.

I think you went on keeping What you only meant to borrow. This is the longest we have ever been apart. At least until tomorrow.

[yourangelspoetry]

The Despondent

I tap my pen against my desk, mulling over your words long after you’ve said them.

I keep pressing on, fighting for what I need, having given up everything I once wanted without ever really knowing what that was.

I wonder if you do the same. Do you ever sit alone in the park and think about how things were?

Is the memory of me a guilty pleasure?

Because I am guilty of you.

I carry the promises you couldn’t keep like a yoke across my shoulders, and bind myself in the ones I could, shackled at the wrists.

I can’t seem to wash you from my hands, so I sit here, scrubbing them bloody and still, in secret, I like it, seeing our sins remain red on my palms, even as I beg forgiveness.

I won’t be forgiven. And, in truth, I won’t be punished.

Justice here is frustratingly restorative and you know how I’ve always felt about that.

But it is what it is. So I’ll keep marching forward.

Yet still, every few paces, I find myself looking back.

Did you know n the East, the seventh deadly sin is despondency?

Never satisfied with what is, or even what might be only wanting what you had, or what you almost did.

I don’t think I ever would have been happy with you. I don’t think anything we shared could have lasted.

But I will mourn it anyway. As I mourn you:

Both the victim and the conspirator in all my most heinous crimes.

[yourangelspoetry]

Friday

Today is the day I killed a man.

Today is the day I mourn Him.

I sit in the pews,

guilt thick in my throat—

choking—

brain and muscle gasping—

begging for air.

The light fades

from His stained-glass face

as the sun drops

beneath the horizon.

"I'm so sorry,"

I claw at my skin.

"I'm so afraid."

But there is no echo.

I press two fingers

to my wrists,

to my side,

and beg them to bleed—

call it a miracle if they do.

Saved but still not fixed.

Regenerate, I'm told.

But still not good.

So alone.

Sometimes I wonder

if He smelled the wood

I nailed Him to,

and thought of home.

[yourangelspoetry]

Backwards Marathon

Knee to ground, fingers to earth Ready set go With my head turned All the way around

Watch the world rushing past Not knowing where you’re headed Too busy looking back One more pillar to salt the Dead Sea

Too afraid to face front anyhow

But there is no going back Either rushing blindly forward With your hands grasping out behind you Or dying Right there where you stand

I’m told that hindsight’s 20/20, And sometimes I guess that’s true But as it nears the far horizon I can’t help but squint Through rose colored glasses

I know that things will never be the same But I hope they will be good I’ll mourn what has died By cutting red, aching memorials Into my memory And into my flesh

I don’t know where I’m headed But the air is colder here

Today I’m missing yesterday And tomorrow I’ll miss today They say the grass is greener on the other side But I think it’s just a gradient Getting grayer and grayer every single day

[yourangelspoetry]

Stray

Some treasure you find, stumbling into your lap when you need it most.

Matted fur, soaked with rain, scarred, scared, reckless, rushing into dangerous strangers simply because you’ve got nothing left to lose.

So I’m wounding you gently, pressing into gorgeous red geysers, heating glowing iron letters, teaching you where the line ends. And you know I’m doing this because I love you.

Clasping your collar, leash pulled tight to keep you safe, fingers running through your fur as you growl at the doctors.

I cannot unscar you, or strip away the cruelty hammered in long before you reached my heel.

But as long as I am here, you will not endure it alone.

So bark when I say speak, and follow when I say heel. Lie your head down by me after every rainy day.

It’s true what they say

You really are man’s best friend

[yourangelspoetry]

Standing on the Borderline

I'm borderline happy, and I'm borderline sad. I'm borderline good, and I'm borderline bad. I was borderline hoping you would stab me in the back, And I’m borderline crashing out, so cut me some slack.

Yeah, I’m borderline crazy, and I’m borderline sane, And I’m borderline unable to remember my name, But I remember clearly everything that you said, ’Cause I’m borderline forgiving, but I never forget.

Now I'm borderline begging when I sit in the pews, And I'm borderline des-perate to hear the Good News. I'm borderline broken; told I'm borderline saved, Though I'm borderline praying that He takes me today.

I try to live my life in shackles, but I’m borderline free, And I’m borderline about to lose track of who’s me. Yeah, I used to be blind; now I borderline see— So I’m about to jump the borderline on the count of three.

[yourangelspoetry]

Friendly Girls at Applebees

This goes out to the friendly girls at Applebees, lookin for somebody to love

Playing Nintendo switch with our friends at the counter

Playing hopscotch with hearts

You didn’t mean to hurt nobody, that’s just who you are.

Crying in the kitchen again

The girls at work are mean

You’re too easy to bully.

Just a bubbling little baby

But don’t you worry

Someone new will fall in love with you soon

You’re just that kind of girl

And you’ll go running, skipping, taking leaps of faith into their arms

And when you hit the ground, you’ll scrape up your little knees

My friendly girl from Applebees,

I’ll pick you up and pat you down

And send you on your way.

So you can just keep running

Just keep running away.

[yourangelspoetry]

Blaze of Glory

Terminal.

Both a sentence and an access point for getting things done.

You know you're doing a half-decent job when they all look at you with that pale, sickly stare.

Forcing them to spit on a cross before you show them mercy— just to make sure they don't go up to heaven.

It's a damned shame when you fall in love with your gun, too scared of scratching it to fire in "self-defense."

Sometimes we need a little push, a little test from God designed for us to fail.

So bite down on your tongue and stop hesitating.

Because before you're pulled from the game, make sure you're not going out alone.

[yourangelspoetry]

Suicide by Proxy

You asked me, how would you do it? so I answered like I was reading your will aloud.

Gently. Somewhere quiet. In a place that travels only by word of mouth.

I’d hold your face like I hold my rosary, counting the seconds like prayers.

I’d tell you to stay. I’d mean it. But not more than I meant I promise.

You’d bleed like ink from a broken pen. Staining the soil with your "thank you."

Maybe you'd say it just with your eyes— but I'm fluent in that language.

I wouldn’t cry. That was part of the deal.

Because I was made for this. It's what you needed me for. A gun you could fire by saying "please."

Suicide by Proxy.

I’d follow through. Even if your instinct took charge. Because I always keep my promises.

"Very reliable, huh?" So I'm told.

[yourangelspoetry]

Visions

Call me the weeping prophet Everybody start repenting I’m penning down the words from God And here I am, lamenting

I’m preaching you a warning Walking paths that traitors trod Cause all of us are sinners In the hands of an angry God

But tell me, mirror, loving friend Do you ever talk to ghosts? Did you ever break a promise When they said they need it most?

Did they ever let it go? Can you hear them with your eyes? Did you coil your fingers ‘round their throat To ensure they really died?

Well, tonight I’m having visions Of a bloody dying dog And you say you don’t believe me While you’re on your way to God

No, I’ve never been to paradise But I’ve seen a glimpse from hell They say that all dogs go to heaven But that’s as much as I will tell

I’m licking bones just like a cannibal And you don’t think that I could But we’re really just all animals And I’m telling you I would

Go ahead and call the doctor But they’ll hand me to a priest You can tell me I would never But I’m no better than a beast

So when you see my name in lights Don’t say you never saw the signs While I was telling you my visions Giving sight unto the blind

[yourangelspoetry]

Dandelion Daydreams

You know I’d never really do it. No, I don’t think I’d commit. I might look straight down and teeter-totter, but I think that’s mostly it.

You know, I think I’m getting better. It doesn’t hurt like it used to. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts like hell; but it doesn’t sting—no, just a bruise.

But I still like to imagine pleasant daydreams under sun. Yes, I still take time to ruminate, to illuminate a gun.

Sometimes I dream that I'm a dandelion, on a bright and sunny day. I breathe in deep and exhale, then I blow myself away.

I'll float aloft and fly away, To some warm and happy place while looking back down on the ground where I can see your smiling face.

You know, I really hate your devil, or whatever he calls himself these days. We might share a common interest, but I’m indifferent to his game.

No, I’d do it on my own terms, with a cure I built myself. Or that’s what I imagine as I walk myself to hell.

I pretend that I’m not threatening. I don’t know how much I’d wager on a bet that fret and worry don’t go down like shitty lager.

Maybe it’s just imagination, a comforting sort of thought that gets me through the hardest bits, so I can struggle through the rot.

I’m still drafting on that second wind, still gliding safe and sound. But I’d better learn to fly real soon— or I’ll fall and tumble down.

[yourangelspoetry]

Mutually Assured Destruction

It doesn’t matter who split the atom first, because we both built an arsenal.

We didn’t fall in love. We entered a standoff.

Two red buttons, one on each side of the bed.

Secrets traded like nuclear codes— just enough to keep the balance of power.

Just enough to know if they ever left, we’d both burn up in the fallout.

I showed you the file labeled “classified.” You smiled and said, “I’ve got worse.”

We kissed like countries negotiating. We held each other like terms of surrender.

We’d talk across a crowd like enemy spies, laughing and swearing we were just “close friends.”

I whispered my memories like a war crime. You told me yours like a casualty list, counting the bodies.

Didn’t know how to trust, so we collected collateral.

Two people living in the blast radius, and calling it home.

And we never said “I love you.” Just “Don’t tell anyone.”

[yourangelspoetry]

Second Wind

I can still hear the ringing in my ear

Distant, phantom echos

And the visions just get worse and worse As they eat up all my senses

I can feel my spirit tumbling, Down a wide and downhill road And my body now is dying Now decay is à la mode

You've assessed the risks Counted your cards The winning pull in mind The cliff is fast approaching We're at the end of the line

So bow your head Then say a prayer And get The Fuck Up

Will your limbs to lift you Bite your tongue and spit it out Dig your nails in deeper Let your muscles flail about

You're running out of chances You're running out of time The clock is ticking faster And you've spent your final dime

So bite the bit And steel your will Detach from what you feel Because you have passengers to carry home On bloody broken heels

I see the clock hands ticking They usher me to rest I close my eyes and sprint through wire And hope I pass the test

I struggle to survive But I will struggle to live too I will struggle if it's needed in everything I do

I know I don’t deserve this. Yes, I’m getting off scot free, But I’ve learned life isn’t fuckin fair Who do I help by suffering?

I won't forget my lovers My passengers and sins But it's time to take what I don't deserve Now that I’ve got my second wind

[yourangelspoetry]

your writings are so beautiful- im very happy to be able to experience and read them <3

Thank you so much! I hope to post more soon. If I can I’m going to repost some old ones that got deleted which I managed to recover, and I have some new ones I haven’t posted yet too :)

[yourangelspoetry]

Glow-In-The-Dark Eyes

My eyes glow in the dark That's right Because I see them when the lights turn out Staring back at me from the mirror In the bathroom Where I call on angels And coil wiry fingers Around leathery, supple throats Too easy to rip You just sink right in to them Skin parting like the Red Sea Bubbling up Salty, salty water And my mouth tastes like metal And foam

When I wake up I won't know where those knives came from Or why there's water over the floor But I'll be laughing Because it looked so scared And it should be So should I

But I'm not.

Am I?

London bridge is falling down My fair lady.