Yule Probably Die Alone

A mini choose your own adventure of death and romance by @magicratfingers

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You’re visiting your Grandma for the holidays.

Just two cool singles, livin' the life. You want to make more eggnog but you’ve just run out of eggs. Eggnog is what Grandma calls it when she cracks a raw egg into a mug of whiskey. You’ve developed a taste for it. Grandma already passed out. But not before she told you all her favorite folk stories and a single slurred warning — to wait until morning to gather any eggs from the coop “or else you’ll get bit.”

What will you do?

/ I want that nog 

/ I’ll switch to weed

[magicratfingers]

[yuleprobablydiealone]

Selfies from ur boyfriend

[lake-bitch-cyoa]

Awaken from thy thrice daily slumber, Upon the lake bank, two noble forms The sanctity of thy solitude is shattered. Motherfuckers

/Hail the the figure that guards

/Hail the figure that reclines

[yuleprobablydiealone]

Did you find all the cuties?

You might enjoy my other choose yer own adventure

[yuleprobablydiealone]

Happy season’s felicitations from your vampirefriend that lives in ur grandma’s chicken coop

[yuleprobablydiealone]

Hey look if you scroll below this you'll get spoiled maybe.

If you wanna play, use the pinned post and follow the links

or Start Here

[yuleprobablydiealone]

It's a cute thick neighbor with snacks! They love Neil Diamond. They think it's cool you're not afraid to admit it. You're cool.

It's a meet cute! Congrats! ❤️

Start Over

[yuleprobablydiealone]

They try to do a little dressage, fall off the porch, get embarrassed and run away. You feel like a real asshole. You chase after them and die of exposure. Whoopsies!

Start Over

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You go to the front door. It's a horse... head? In a sheet? You've heard of this from Grandma but don't quite remember the deal. Maybe if this was three nogs ago...

It's singing to you.

What will you do?

/ Ask if they know dressage. Everyone loves dressage.

/ I sing some Neil Diamond. Everyone loves Neil Diamond

[yuleprobablydiealone]

It's a vampire! That Santa is a real piece of work. They really needed that. They think that was like, so chill of you. You're like totally chill.

It's a meet cute! Congrats! 💖

Start Over

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You went to bed, warm, relaxed, 2blessed 2b stressed. 2drunk to take off your crocs.

For breakfast eggs, you head out to the chicken coop. Among the straw and fresh laid eggs you find the gifts from the night before. A giftcard, sweet!

This is the best ending. Happy Holidays. 🎁

Start Over anyway, ya winner

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You're a real pro at creeping and they don't see you. They huddle into the bushes below the window. They look agitated.

You have a clear view when they pull out a ... oh god is that an iPod with a click wheel?

/ I feel old all of the sudden, I'm going to bed

/ I offer them some weed

[yuleprobablydiealone]

Get bit idiot! You let a vampire in your Grandma's house

Start Over

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You leave the dumb dresser. The noises on the roof stop. Out the window, you see a hulking sleigh pass overhead. It stops to cram packages into the air vent on the chicken coop. A frightened figure flees the coop, rushing into the snowy yard towards the house.

What do?

/ If you're cold, they’re cold. I let that stranger in!

/ I hide to spy on him like a real sicko

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You removed the blockage and something large worked its way down the chimney. Something red. Something jolly. Something that must keep its ghastly visage a secret.

You got moidah'd by Santa. Happy Holidays.

Start Over

[yuleprobablydiealone]

There's thumping coming from the roof and it looks like there's something blocking the fireplace blocking the chimney. Grandma is so weird, man.

What do you do?

/I ain't afraid of no antique

/I leave it blocked, it could be load bearing idk

[yuleprobablydiealone]

You've switched to weed. It's been awhile but also Grandma doesn't mess around. You're getting paranoid. You hear soft melodic noises at the front door and hard scrabbling at the chimney.

Whatcha do?

/I check the door, it could be snacks

/I check the chimney, this has that ebenezercore energy I long for

[yuleprobablydiealone]

It's Krampus! You ask if he comes here often. He hadn't heard that before and thinks it's funny. You're funny.

It's a meet cute! Congrats! 💖

Start Over