preaching (to myself) about having a healthy rs with the internet but still spiraling over a few replies that misunderstood a joke/comment i made humbles me sm LMAO
im single rn and people always tryna use my interests as the reason why. like im sorry is it wrong that i def think my future bf would think im cute and full of love and funny bc im passionate about the things she likes ???
Fun tag game idea: say something that most of your followers wouldn’t actually know
I’ll start first: I am actually married. Irl. I have a husband. I know it’s surprising considering the Tumblr spouses, but my husband thinks it’s funny.
idrk what to say since you guys probably know a lot, but idk if you know this ; when i first started haikyuu, i thought it was so damn boring (sorry younger me didn't know ball) so i dropped it for a few months or so.. then i came back and it's still my favourite anime / manga now ! that was fucking arse but my brain is dead and i cbb thinking
i have the absolute. worst. resting bitch face. in real life. i literally try my hardest to not have it? but people have 1) told me i do, and 2) taken pictures when i wasn’t watching and.. yea. it’s maybe a good thing you guys don’t know me irl or maybe i would’ve come across as bitchy. i cannot help it . but im also pretty shy irl? so maybe thats part of it. i SWEAR im nice 🥹. anyways!
i have three dogs - a 15 y/o shih tzu, a 4 y/o siberian husky, and a year old corgi. they are the most chaotic thing in the house. they’re the only thing keeping our place lively tbh
your mom’s voice cuts sharply through the thin dorm walls, each knock against the bathroom door loud and insistent. she hasn’t stopped since you told her to wait. well, because you were still gaining the confidence to face her.
“uhh… mrs. ln…”
akaashi awkwardly stands near your bedroom door, attempting to calm her down. his hands hover at his sides before settling. while you, you’re still, well, refusing to face reality.
“we’re… well, we decided to study together… for finals…”
he tries to explain. she slowly turns around to face him, an eyebrow raised, annoyed that he was actually in your dorm.
“and why would yn agree to that?”
“well… we both thought it would work best for us… so we could do better…”
“i don’t understand this one bit.”
she exhales sharply, edged with disbelief, before turning back to the bathroom door. her knuckles meet it again, firmer this time.
“yn ln!”
“just explain what’s happening here.”
you are now fresh from the shower (from sweat), and you are sitting apart from akaashi at the couch, as your mom stands in front of the both of you, hands firmly planted on her hips. her eyes flick between you and him, sharp and searching.
“we told you. we thought that we could do much better if we studied together for finals. we have different strengths anyway, so we wanted to take advantage of that.”
you tried to explain her. you know this wasn’t a valid explanation, but you’re just. really scared right now.
“let’s say i believe that and i’ll let the fact that you agreed to let him enter your dorm slide. why would you leave him alone **in here?”
she answers. yeah, why would you leave your academic rival alone in your dorm and take a shower, smart yn?
“are you two that close?”
god please.
you glance at akaashi, and he’s giving you a look. it’s not panic or hesitation, but you think he was assuring you, and he was. he was going to be by your side whatever you do right now.
“well… mom…”
you sigh. “please don’t be mad.”
silence. you close your eyes as you say it.
“we’re dating.”
your mom’s expression falters, from anger into something else entirely. her eyes widen, her hand instinctively rising to cover her mouth as she takes a small step back.
“you’re dating?”
“you’re dating someone? and it’s akaashi?”
she scoffs and rubs her temples. she starts to walk back and forth in your living room, while you only bite your lip in anxiety. you just want to let her take it all out.
“honey, it’s one thing you’re letting yourself get distracted. but you’re dating your academic rival?”
her hand gestures toward akaashi, who remains quiet just like you are.
“do you know how this can affect you? you might lose your focus.”
she was wrong. but you know how much this has shocked her. you hid this from her, after all.
“and gosh. you know how we are with their family, right?”
“mom, i’m more focused than ever. keiji being my academic rival helped me focus on what matters even more. i’ve been doing really well, even as i showed you and dad, right?”
you finally found the courage to respond. and it’s true. of course, your wins are yours, but keiji has been your biggest supporter. because he knew most where you were coming from.
“i’m sorry i didn’t tell, mom. i know it was wrong - but i didn’t want you guys to worry, and i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, it would distract me even more.”
you explain. there was nothing to do but be honest at this point.
but your mom doesn’t seem to be taking you seriously.
“keiji, did you like her secretly all this time? or was this all your plan?”
she turns to keiji.
what?
he immediately shakes his head, waving his hands in denial.
“it’s not like—“
“mom!”
you cut him off. he doesn’t even have to answer, because what kind of question is that?!
“yn. you’re not one to get distracted on a boy. not like this.”
…what?
“and i’m just making sure how this all happened. wouldn’t want keiji’s parents to put the blame on us why this is happening. it’s less likely but if you were the one who started all of this, yn, that would be-”
“mom.”
what is she fucking talking about?
“you really care about that? you loathe his family that much? we just compete over who’s going to get a fancier piece of paper when we graduate; you’re taking this way out of proportion.”
you’re now standing as you’re speaking, wanting to communicate it clearly to her. you hid it, but you’re not playing around. she has to understand that.
“have you forgotten how important this is for your future? it’s not just a simple piece of paper, yn.”
she tries to remind you. of course you know that. that’s still what you’re doing right now.
“i get that - but when i was a kid, you and dad always told me that you both want me to become the best version of myself, to live my life to the fullest, and with purpose. and that’s why i’m striving even ‘til today. even if my friends tell me i shouldn’t push myself too hard, i try my hardest not because i want to be ‘the’ best, but ‘my’ best. sure, i loved being first, but it was because i wanted to become my best potential. and i didn’t feel that much of a pressure because i genuinely enjoy doing this.”
you look into her eyes as you talk some sense into your thoughts, looking for some sort of understanding. you want to see that she’s not being serious - maybe she’s just caught up in her emotions.
“but you’re telling me now that you care more about what keiji’s family is going to think if they find out we’re together? i understand if you are surprised, or if you get upset. we hid it after all. and i understand it too if you feel worried about me and my studies.”
“i felt relieved and grateful that i can be all this while maintaining a good mindset, because of how my parents raised me. but was it all a lie, mom? all those things you taught me?”
why is she being like this? you’re talking, yet her expression hasn’t changed. why? why is she still looking at you with… disappointment? you haven’t done anything wrong. you’re still doing well. you’re doing so well.
your voice starts to get shaky, and tears start to form in your eyes.
“because it doesn’t seem like it’s about me and doing my best anymore. it’s just about you, and dad, and your pride.”
no response.
no answer.
why isn’t she answering? why isn’t she saying you’ve got it wrong? that you’ve just misunderstood?
you can’t take it anymore. you start crying, dropping to the ground, palms covering your face.
that was keiji’s cue. he makes his way by your side, kneeling beside you. you feel his hands caressing your head to comfort you, but he slowly stands up toward your mom.
“mrs. ln… i’m sorry for not introducing myself properly.”
he’s talking with calmness, and honestly, you’re pretty jealous of him right now.
“she and i both come from families who care about our studies a lot, and we’re both thankful for that. we didn’t want you guys to think we were being careless, or didn’t care about our studies so we both decided to keep it a secret.”
“i know this damages the trust you have for me, but i want to build that trust. at the least, please don’t take it out on yn. please blame me instead.”
you look up to him, absolutely refusing that.
“keiji, no-“
“yn. i want to do things right.”
he looks at you with an assuring smile, and turns his head back to your mom.
“i want to make you feel safe with the idea of me loving your daughter.”
you turn your eyes to your mom, who’s only change in her expression, is her quietened look of disapproval.
notes
yn just stress ate and well, continued on
disappointing from the mom!!!!
how did yn's mom have keiji's parents' contact info? literally just to keep tabs on them
after this one i wanna take a break from writing about toxic parents LOL
he waves a hidden flashcard in front of you, the corner of it flicking teasingly in the air like he’s dangling a secret just out of reach. at this point, he’s just bored now. not that he wants to take a break — he just wants to flirt.
“i am smart, but i’m not psychic, keiji.”
you roll your eyes at him. you reach out and take the flashcard from his hand, holding it just high enough that he has no choice but to read it out loud instead.
“after this, we’ll take a break. just ask me now.”
“but you already know this,” he says, putting the flashcard down and tilting his head. oh now he’s using this card.
it’s unfair, really.
something about akaashi keiji, especially since you started dating him — he loves spending time with you. it sucks not being able to go out freely together, but moments like this where you both can be completely yourselves, unmasked, is something he cherishes so much.
it’s been hitting him right now. maybe it’s the thrill of having only a short matter of time before you guys finally tell your parents you’re dating, or maybe it’s just realizing how much both your lives have changed for the past few months.
look at the two of you right now. you’re studying together, being all silly and maybe even cringe to your friends if they saw you both. and he’s loving it. how did this even happen?
he really wonders. did he already like you that much? maybe he did. he just didn’t realize it immediately. you’ve always been fun to tease after all. something about you feels so magnetic to him. you were both the same, but also different. does that even make sense?
he also doesn’t know. he thinks it’s quite illogical how he came to the realization that he had fallen for you. with things like this, he should’ve seen it coming — he should’ve known the exact moment things started to change for him.
but he really can’t pinpoint it. he can’t be rational about it. it seems like, it was so subtle but so clear. he really can’t explain it.
you sigh at his antics. “do you want to take a break? are you tired already?”
you ask, trying to tease him.
“nope. i just wanted to be silly, i guess.”
he just grins. what is up with him? you shake your head, pushing your chair back as you stand. you don’t think he’s going to help you study at this point.
“well then, if we’re gonna be silly, let me take a shower first, alright?”
“sure. i’ll whip up something in the meantime.”
you give his cheeks a peck and get into your room.
he stays there for a second, and then he exhales quietly, a small smile tugging at his lips before he stands up and heads toward the kitchen.
he opens your cupboard first, scanning through what you have, fingers brushing against containers and boxes as he tries to piece together something decent.
he checks your refrigerator next — there’s leftover bread, eggs, and milk. he gets an idea. french toast.
he goes to the cupboard again to locate the sugar. perfect. this will be enough. he takes out the sugar and places it on your kitchen counter, and afterwards the other ingredients from the refrigerator.
he places everything neatly on the kitchen counter, organizing everything, then pausing for a moment.
hmm… he thinks. let me check the freezer. bacon. neat. this will be a fine combo, right?
he takes it out, placing it beside the sink to defrost while he begins preparing everything else. cracking eggs into a bowl, whisking them with practiced ease.
he smiles to himself. he thinks this is so nice. he’s having such a good time, it’s pretty weird for him too.
the kitchen slowly fills with sound — the soft sizzle of bacon hitting the pan, the faint clink of utensils, the low hum of movement. it smells good, too. maybe he’s more hungry than he realized.
then, a knock on the door.
he turns his head toward the sound. probably yachi, who has come home already. he now worries he didn’t make enough french toast and bacon for everybody.
it’s weird she had to knock — maybe it was just for courtesy, just in case. anyway, he casually approaches the door, unlocks and opens it.
the door opens.
“surprise, yn! i got you some food from ho—”
the person’s gaze was on the eco bag hanging from their shoulder, filled with neatly packed food containers.
okygod yall i just realized i lowkey made a mistake 😭 term before this keiji said he was gonna bring dinner then here he was like let me just make toast… actually everybody it was a snack actually 👍👍👍
❝ disrespectfully, yours | atsumu miya x reader oneshot
everybody thought your story was written - a cute love story with your (perfect, unblemished) childhood best friend. but your heart says otherwise. they took it too far, and you were sick of it. you just wanted the boy who loved to make you smile everyday at the school gym during training.
genre: romance, angst... i don't think this is fluffy fluff
tags: atsumu x fem!reader, friends to lovers, love triangle, YEARNINGGG
notes: ooc by n% maybe. this isn't really heavy that much on storytelling scenarios with tsumu, but more about just... yearning. this isn't a new approach, but i was leaning on more into the inner thoughts of yn in the process. i hope this is still cute nonetheless!
“he’s injured, yn.”
okay. and?
“seeing you would give him strength.”
you roll your eyes. you don’t care. you don’t even say anything back, you’re just done. you don’t even want to explain anymore.
everything’s so suffocating.
so you run. to him.
“wait — yn!”
you could hear your mom shouting to stop you, not understanding what has been going on with you lately. she doesn’t understand what made you act like this.
is this a good idea? was this in the plan? will this just burden him? can this make things worse? probably. most probably.
riku was your childhood friend. he was the first kid who made friends with you, and you took pride you were friends with him. he was cool and talented, and he always knew what to say whenever you needed him.
you’ve always thought of him as a great guy. he was like family to you. he was like your reliable brother. he told you he wanted to be the best in volleyball because of you. he always wanted to see you cheer for him, and you promised you’d always will.
everything was fine until high school happened. he joined the volleyball club, and being just that close with him, you went and became one of the club managers.
it was also your way of supporting him and his dreams. you admit you liked seeing him thrive. and when he said that you inspired him, you became more committed to that cause.
if being by his side would give him strength, you’d gladly be of help to him. again, he was the first person to see you. of course, you’d want to give back.
at the club, you naturally became friendly with everybody. you did your absolute best, too. you were known to be responsible and the perfect amount of strict and carefree.
well, at least they say. maybe they were just kissing up to you.
for some reason, you guys were known as, “the duo”. and while that was true, it bothered you.
yes, they knew you were always supportive of riku but, of course, you have a life outside of that anyway. besides, the thrill of it all excites you, and makes you want to cheer for everybody in the team.
but weirdly, there was this unspoken rule that you and riku were inseparable, so while the members were treating you well as a manager, you still felt like they had this “image” of you.
but only one person didn’t think that way.
and you took notice of that person. maybe a little too much. and for some reason, this just feels different from riku.
he was also good at volleyball like him. he was a bit of a show-off honestly, but for some reason, in contrast to what most people think, he wasn’t annoyingly confident.
he’d compliment you almost everyday. when the other members “ordered you around”, he’d hit their heads and do it instead. he would ask you how you do what you do while he’s practicing his serves and you’re writing down member statistics.
he made the most stupid jokes, and you’d painfully laugh every time. he didn’t treat you differently than the other manager of your team, but he wasn’t distant from you either.
he was just really… easy to be with. you started to look forward every training day because of him. what dumb thing will he do today? what will you both talk about today while you’re on a break and he’s helping you refill everybody’s water jug?
maybe he was just being his usual self, and you were just naturally drawn to him. but what could you do?
and so you started to have feelings for him — secretly. but of course, riku could see right through it.
suddenly, things started to shift. riku confessed his feelings to you one day. he decided that he didn’t want to stay as a friend to you anymore.
it was bearable at first. he was respectful — he told you he didn’t want to force you into falling in love with him. he just wanted the opportunity to show his sincerity — and you had no reason to say no.
but something went wrong.
yes, he didn’t force you, but he sure would do his damn best to woo you. you tried to tell him you couldn’t promise to feel the same, but he said it was fine. as long as he could show his feelings for you.
but it just became too much. especially with your growing feelings for someone else.
he was the perfect amount of push and pull. he was so firm, you felt uncomfortable, but he was so genuine, that you couldn’t be rude.
he had no reason for you to reject him, but all the reason for you to love him back.
but… you just don’t.
even when your friends and family say that riku’s the guy for you, you just don’t feel like it. you’re grateful for riku, and what he’s meant to you, but it’s nothing more than that.
you just wanted to be there for him. he’d keep telling you it’s fine whatever you felt — but why don’t you feel free anyway?
riku’s free to express himself however he wants, but what about you?
it was hell. it still is, right now. since he confessed, every interaction with him was bittersweet. you felt like it was illegal to be with him too much, to think about him.
you can’t even enjoy the idea of falling for him because whenever you do, you would picture riku’s face, and it fills you with — you don’t even know what emotion it is.
you want to say it’s guilt. but maybe it was pity, too. or maybe it was just, annoyance.
and now, riku got injured. he got hit by some bicycle while he was on his way to pick you up at home. which he didn’t have to do. you spared yourself the details, honestly.
so what now? you’re obliged to feel awful. your mom says you have to visit him now, because after all, he went out because of you, right?
oh, how much he loves you.
it’s annoying. you’re sick of it.
and what’s worse, you haven’t even told anybody what you really felt. who you really wanted to be with.
the urge to just forget everybody and do whatever you want is so tempting. and this time, you’ve given in.
you’ve done everything to accommodate riku — hell, you’ve always been thinking in respect of him this whole time.
maybe it’s time to choose yourself, in disrespect of everybody.
while you’re running, the wind feels too strong — maybe because your body is emotional too, or maybe because it feels like stopping you from doing what you’re going to do.
but who else can you go to? your feet, your body, your heart just says, him. even if it’s illogical. he’s the last person you should go to, but for some reason, your emotions say, you need him right now.
“tsumu.”
he turns at the sound of your voice, but you don’t wait to see his face. you’re already crashing into him, arms wrapping tightly around him.
you knew he would be here, practicing on his own at the school gym. of course. he was a bit sweaty from moving around, but you don’t really care right now.
“yn, what’s wrong?”
his hand comes up instinctively, settling against the back of your head.
“i hate everybody.”
“what do you mean? did someone do something?”
“everybody. it’s so unfair.”
your voice trembles despite yourself. you take a deep breath, trying not to cry any further.
“why does everybody think they know what’s better for me to do?”
“why should i be a saint? why should i be the good guy? why should i do what will not hurt other people over what i want?”
“and what happens when i do what they say? i just become more and more miserable. i never wanted any of this. why can’t they just all shut up?”
atsumu’s confused. very confused. it’s not everyday you run up to him like this. you guys were close — you’d hang out, you were comfortable — but he was particularly refraining to be this comfortable with you.
but, he didn’t complain anyway. it also feels like you really needed this.
his hand shifts, fingers brushing your cheek as he gently tilts your face up.
“what happened, yn?”
you look up to him. seeing his concerned eyes at this distance is unbearable. you can’t help it, and start crying like a baby. thank God nobody else is here right now.
you don’t even know how to explain it. part of you wants him to just know, like some sort of telepathy. but you know you have to tell him everything for it to make sense.
“he’s injured…”
“injured? who?”
you sniff through tears, “riku.”
his eyes fill with even more concern. “what? what happened? is he okay?”
“probably,” you try to wipe your tears on your own using your sleeves, but his hand stays where it is. of course, he’s riku — everybody loves him. no one would leave him like that.
“he’s a valued player after all.”
“did you visit him?”
“i was going to, but i didn’t go.”
“what? why? are you scared to see hi—“
“no. i actually don’t care.”
his brows furrow at your statement. he doesn’t understand at all. well, it starts to make sense as to what you’re trying to talk about — but, why?
“why?”
“i don’t… want to.”
you just mumble. that wasn’t definitely not a reason. he sighs.
“you’re his childhood friend, why wouldn’t you want to?”
“because he’s just my childhood friend, and that’s it.”
his head tilts. that seems a bit… harsh. he doesn’t understand where this is coming from. he is at loss for words, not knowing how to respond exactly.
you see him pause.
you’re scared. you don’t know what he’s thinking. what if he doesn’t understand? what if he’d still disagree with you even if you tell him it’s because you’re in love with him?
“do you think like they do, too? do you think i’m wrong for thinking that?”
it’s sounds like you’re desperate for his validation, and you may be sounding so toxic right now. but you just want him to understand. even if everybody else doesn’t.
“no, no just — i can’t understand it yet.” he immediately shakes his head, putting a strand of your hair behind your ear.
“did he do something to you?”
he asks carefully.
your eyes fill with tears again. “exactly. he did nothing. he did nothing wrong.”
“he did nothing but be kind to me. and i hate it so much.” you cover your eyes with your arms as you start to cry again.
“why is he kind to me? why did he say i inspired him to be a volleyball player? why did he say he was going to do his best for me? why is he so kind to my family?”
“why is he doing everything it takes for me to love him?”
“he’s… in love with you?”
his voice is slower and sorter now. so this was it, he thinks. well, it quite makes sense.
“yes. and he’s doing everything it takes to make me know that.”
you pause. “but i don’t want that.”
you bury your face into his chest again, gripping onto him. “i want this.”
you look up to him, and now, your eyes were pleading. he stills, a hint of surprise crossing his face.
“i know it’s crazy, and i know i seem so selfish. but i don’t want to be with him. even if the whole world tells me. even if he will treat me right, even if he has the purest intentions. i don’t want any of that.”
“i’m so tired. i’m so tired of being guilt-tripped to accommodate him and his feelings, to feel grateful for it.”
and now, he’s looking at you differently. you can’t describe what it is yet, but it’s definitely not confusion, or concern, or even pity.
“i just want you, atsumu.”
his breath hitches.
“can i have that?”
as you say those words, he now fully understands.
he stares at you before responding. he could see it. for once, he saw your real, raw emotion. you looked tired — of everybody’s expectations, of doing what’s right and good in their eyes.
he sees it, because he knows you. he knows that you’re the person he knows with the most empathy. you are kind and joyful, and being a radiating light to everyone was your strongest suit.
but, this was an exception. they’ve depleted you of every ounce of patience and logic in you.
to think that your biggest weakness, was him.
“yes.”
he caresses your cheek softly before leans in and closes the distance between the both of you. the kiss was soft, but it was passionate, enough to let you know how he felt.
“have me.”
those simple words made you cry into his arms again. he chuckles as he comforts you, hugging you tightly.
he felt like he’s won the whole world. the girl he was head over heels with, the girl he thought only looked at him as a friend — is so in love with him, that she’s willing to lose everybody else. yn.
fun fact i thought of this bc i was reading waiting for spring and (uhh lowkey spoiler alert)
i was annoyed with the love triangle and i hated how it took so long for fl to reject her childhood friend properly bc basically bro was just like persistent and genuine. so basically even if she alr had feelings for ml she still tolerated/valued his feelings or wtv bc she still appreciates him (and roots for him) as a person anyway.
this is basically what i wouldve done if i was in her shoes. fl was too much of a saint really lmao
but it was still a good read LOL the guy just annoyed me a lot
❝ disrespectfully, yours | atsumu miya x reader oneshot
everybody thought your story was written - a cute love story with your (perfect, unblemished) childhood best friend. but your heart says otherwise. they took it too far, and you were sick of it. you just wanted the boy who loved to make you smile everyday at the school gym during training.
genre: romance, angst... i don't think this is fluffy fluff
tags: atsumu x fem!reader, friends to lovers, love triangle, YEARNINGGG
notes: ooc by n% maybe. this isn't really heavy that much on storytelling scenarios with tsumu, but more about just... yearning. this isn't a new approach, but i was leaning on more into the inner thoughts of yn in the process. i hope this is still cute nonetheless!
“he’s injured, yn.”
okay. and?
“seeing you would give him strength.”
you roll your eyes. you don’t care. you don’t even say anything back, you’re just done. you don’t even want to explain anymore.
everything’s so suffocating.
so you run. to him.
“wait — yn!”
you could hear your mom shouting to stop you, not understanding what has been going on with you lately. she doesn’t understand what made you act like this.
is this a good idea? was this in the plan? will this just burden him? can this make things worse? probably. most probably.
riku was your childhood friend. he was the first kid who made friends with you, and you took pride you were friends with him. he was cool and talented, and he always knew what to say whenever you needed him.
you’ve always thought of him as a great guy. he was like family to you. he was like your reliable brother. he told you he wanted to be the best in volleyball because of you. he always wanted to see you cheer for him, and you promised you’d always will.
everything was fine until high school happened. he joined the volleyball club, and being just that close with him, you went and became one of the club managers.
it was also your way of supporting him and his dreams. you admit you liked seeing him thrive. and when he said that you inspired him, you became more committed to that cause.
if being by his side would give him strength, you’d gladly be of help to him. again, he was the first person to see you. of course, you’d want to give back.
at the club, you naturally became friendly with everybody. you did your absolute best, too. you were known to be responsible and the perfect amount of strict and carefree.
well, at least they say. maybe they were just kissing up to you.
for some reason, you guys were known as, “the duo”. and while that was true, it bothered you.
yes, they knew you were always supportive of riku but, of course, you have a life outside of that anyway. besides, the thrill of it all excites you, and makes you want to cheer for everybody in the team.
but weirdly, there was this unspoken rule that you and riku were inseparable, so while the members were treating you well as a manager, you still felt like they had this “image” of you.
but only one person didn’t think that way.
and you took notice of that person. maybe a little too much. and for some reason, this just feels different from riku.
he was also good at volleyball like him. he was a bit of a show-off honestly, but for some reason, in contrast to what most people think, he wasn’t annoyingly confident.
he’d compliment you almost everyday. when the other members “ordered you around”, he’d hit their heads and do it instead. he would ask you how you do what you do while he’s practicing his serves and you’re writing down member statistics.
he made the most stupid jokes, and you’d painfully laugh every time. he didn’t treat you differently than the other manager of your team, but he wasn’t distant from you either.
he was just really… easy to be with. you started to look forward every training day because of him. what dumb thing will he do today? what will you both talk about today while you’re on a break and he’s helping you refill everybody’s water jug?
maybe he was just being his usual self, and you were just naturally drawn to him. but what could you do?
and so you started to have feelings for him — secretly. but of course, riku could see right through it.
suddenly, things started to shift. riku confessed his feelings to you one day. he decided that he didn’t want to stay as a friend to you anymore.
it was bearable at first. he was respectful — he told you he didn’t want to force you into falling in love with him. he just wanted the opportunity to show his sincerity — and you had no reason to say no.
but something went wrong.
yes, he didn’t force you, but he sure would do his damn best to woo you. you tried to tell him you couldn’t promise to feel the same, but he said it was fine. as long as he could show his feelings for you.
but it just became too much. especially with your growing feelings for someone else.
he was the perfect amount of push and pull. he was so firm, you felt uncomfortable, but he was so genuine, that you couldn’t be rude.
he had no reason for you to reject him, but all the reason for you to love him back.
but… you just don’t.
even when your friends and family say that riku’s the guy for you, you just don’t feel like it. you’re grateful for riku, and what he’s meant to you, but it’s nothing more than that.
you just wanted to be there for him. he’d keep telling you it’s fine whatever you felt — but why don’t you feel free anyway?
riku’s free to express himself however he wants, but what about you?
it was hell. it still is, right now. since he confessed, every interaction with him was bittersweet. you felt like it was illegal to be with him too much, to think about him.
you can’t even enjoy the idea of falling for him because whenever you do, you would picture riku’s face, and it fills you with — you don’t even know what emotion it is.
you want to say it’s guilt. but maybe it was pity, too. or maybe it was just, annoyance.
and now, riku got injured. he got hit by some bicycle while he was on his way to pick you up at home. which he didn’t have to do. you spared yourself the details, honestly.
so what now? you’re obliged to feel awful. your mom says you have to visit him now, because after all, he went out because of you, right?
oh, how much he loves you.
it’s annoying. you’re sick of it.
and what’s worse, you haven’t even told anybody what you really felt. who you really wanted to be with.
the urge to just forget everybody and do whatever you want is so tempting. and this time, you’ve given in.
you’ve done everything to accommodate riku — hell, you’ve always been thinking in respect of him this whole time.
maybe it’s time to choose yourself, in disrespect of everybody.
while you’re running, the wind feels too strong — maybe because your body is emotional too, or maybe because it feels like stopping you from doing what you’re going to do.
but who else can you go to? your feet, your body, your heart just says, him. even if it’s illogical. he’s the last person you should go to, but for some reason, your emotions say, you need him right now.
“tsumu.”
he turns at the sound of your voice, but you don’t wait to see his face. you’re already crashing into him, arms wrapping tightly around him.
you knew he would be here, practicing on his own at the school gym. of course. he was a bit sweaty from moving around, but you don’t really care right now.
“yn, what’s wrong?”
his hand comes up instinctively, settling against the back of your head.
“i hate everybody.”
“what do you mean? did someone do something?”
“everybody. it’s so unfair.”
your voice trembles despite yourself. you take a deep breath, trying not to cry any further.
“why does everybody think they know what’s better for me to do?”
“why should i be a saint? why should i be the good guy? why should i do what will not hurt other people over what i want?”
“and what happens when i do what they say? i just become more and more miserable. i never wanted any of this. why can’t they just all shut up?”
atsumu’s confused. very confused. it’s not everyday you run up to him like this. you guys were close — you’d hang out, you were comfortable — but he was particularly refraining to be this comfortable with you.
but, he didn’t complain anyway. it also feels like you really needed this.
his hand shifts, fingers brushing your cheek as he gently tilts your face up.
“what happened, yn?”
you look up to him. seeing his concerned eyes at this distance is unbearable. you can’t help it, and start crying like a baby. thank God nobody else is here right now.
you don’t even know how to explain it. part of you wants him to just know, like some sort of telepathy. but you know you have to tell him everything for it to make sense.
“he’s injured…”
“injured? who?”
you sniff through tears, “riku.”
his eyes fill with even more concern. “what? what happened? is he okay?”
“probably,” you try to wipe your tears on your own using your sleeves, but his hand stays where it is. of course, he’s riku — everybody loves him. no one would leave him like that.
“he’s a valued player after all.”
“did you visit him?”
“i was going to, but i didn’t go.”
“what? why? are you scared to see hi—“
“no. i actually don’t care.”
his brows furrow at your statement. he doesn’t understand at all. well, it starts to make sense as to what you’re trying to talk about — but, why?
“why?”
“i don’t… want to.”
you just mumble. that wasn’t definitely not a reason. he sighs.
“you’re his childhood friend, why wouldn’t you want to?”
“because he’s just my childhood friend, and that’s it.”
his head tilts. that seems a bit… harsh. he doesn’t understand where this is coming from. he is at loss for words, not knowing how to respond exactly.
you see him pause.
you’re scared. you don’t know what he’s thinking. what if he doesn’t understand? what if he’d still disagree with you even if you tell him it’s because you’re in love with him?
“do you think like they do, too? do you think i’m wrong for thinking that?”
it’s sounds like you’re desperate for his validation, and you may be sounding so toxic right now. but you just want him to understand. even if everybody else doesn’t.
“no, no just — i can’t understand it yet.” he immediately shakes his head, putting a strand of your hair behind your ear.
“did he do something to you?”
he asks carefully.
your eyes fill with tears again. “exactly. he did nothing. he did nothing wrong.”
“he did nothing but be kind to me. and i hate it so much.” you cover your eyes with your arms as you start to cry again.
“why is he kind to me? why did he say i inspired him to be a volleyball player? why did he say he was going to do his best for me? why is he so kind to my family?”
“why is he doing everything it takes for me to love him?”
“he’s… in love with you?”
his voice is slower and sorter now. so this was it, he thinks. well, it quite makes sense.
“yes. and he’s doing everything it takes to make me know that.”
you pause. “but i don’t want that.”
you bury your face into his chest again, gripping onto him. “i want this.”
you look up to him, and now, your eyes were pleading. he stills, a hint of surprise crossing his face.
“i know it’s crazy, and i know i seem so selfish. but i don’t want to be with him. even if the whole world tells me. even if he will treat me right, even if he has the purest intentions. i don’t want any of that.”
“i’m so tired. i’m so tired of being guilt-tripped to accommodate him and his feelings, to feel grateful for it.”
and now, he’s looking at you differently. you can’t describe what it is yet, but it’s definitely not confusion, or concern, or even pity.
“i just want you, atsumu.”
his breath hitches.
“can i have that?”
as you say those words, he now fully understands.
he stares at you before responding. he could see it. for once, he saw your real, raw emotion. you looked tired — of everybody’s expectations, of doing what’s right and good in their eyes.
he sees it, because he knows you. he knows that you’re the person he knows with the most empathy. you are kind and joyful, and being a radiating light to everyone was your strongest suit.
but, this was an exception. they’ve depleted you of every ounce of patience and logic in you.
to think that your biggest weakness, was him.
“yes.”
he caresses your cheek softly before leans in and closes the distance between the both of you. the kiss was soft, but it was passionate, enough to let you know how he felt.
“have me.”
those simple words made you cry into his arms again. he chuckles as he comforts you, hugging you tightly.
he felt like he’s won the whole world. the girl he was head over heels with, the girl he thought only looked at him as a friend — is so in love with him, that she’s willing to lose everybody else. yn.
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