Addiction.
its a black hole. you might see a glimmer of light and in an instant, its gone. its hard to escape. its hard to face. but what happens when your addiction and mental problems, start becoming the problem?
how do you stop it? how do you stop hurting the ones you love? why haven’t they left when they deserve so much better? why do they put up with this?
i hate myself a lot of the time, but the times i hate myself the most is when i wake up in the morning. i have to open my eyes and become aware of my choices that i made the night before. the heartache and the headache start to settle in and i become numb. i realize the things i have done and said and i feel so empty.
as i lay there and wait for you to wake up so we can have the same “im sorry” conversation all over again. im sorry are just words at this point. what happens when he stops accepting your apologies and just leaves? will you start to spiral even further? or will you just end it all? the pain would be too much to bear and the heaviness of it all being your fault, will kill you.
there is no one to blame but you. as you use the rest of your day to sulk and contemplate hurting yourself, the thoughts of him and his suffering just get stronger. you arent only hurting yourself, but you are destroying him. he is always there to pick up the pieces as you break them and then put them back together. but how much is enough? when we he stop catching me when i fall?
addiction is a horrifying thing to deal with. it is such a selfish act. while i drink i think i am pushing my pain away, but i am slowly pushing my pain onto someone else. the unresolved trauma just grows greater and greater until i explode. addiction is a horrifying thing to deal with, but not just for me. for my loved ones. for the people i cant live my life without. so it comes down to, what happens when the people you cant live without, leave?
you spiral. you hurt. you die.
