yzxsn

haganai, wlw, and other yuri manga. sideblog. writing stories about how the moon loves the star, and vice versa.

[yzxsn]

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| current status - 19 10 22

slowed writing. drowning in school work and rp posts. writing may or may not be relevant to this blog and its curated content.

[angelilacs]

january prompts ˎˊ˗

1 ⭑ doing each other’s hair

2 ⭑ date night gone wrong

3 ⭑ strip club

4 ⭑ misheard runaways

5 ⭑ running into each other outside a coffee shop

6 ⭑ having trouble communicating

7 ⭑ strawberry kisses

8 ⭑ smooth whiskey

9 ⭑ photograph session

10 ⭑ acing a class

11 ⭑ star constellations

12 ⭑ childhood friends turned enemies

13 ⭑ hiding from your partner

14 ⭑ lights turned off

15 ⭑ maroon sweater

16 ⭑ vinyl record

17 ⭑ rainy day at the beach

18 ⭑ first time

19 ⭑ soaked clothes

20 ⭑ secret liquor store next to a college campus

21 ⭑ new year’s resolution

22 ⭑ counting their freckles

23 ⭑ lemon and garlic salmon

24 ⭑ missing all the signs

25 ⭑ a miniskirt and red sport bra

26 ⭑ late trains

27 ⭑ romantic novels

28 ⭑ pintails with a white bow on top

29 ⭑ a real girl’s girl

30 ⭑ entering the wrong lecture room

31 ⭑ best friend’s fridge

[lakemojave]

Who wants to be narrative foils together

[lakemojave]

With tongue

[yzxsn]

sketches for ouroboros if. i had an urge and if i didn't kick it out i wouldn't do homework so here are full/raw notes about my characters for this game that lives in my head rent free and gives me brainrot

nsfw under the cut.

[yzxsn]

110223

| girl, help

ayu was never actually certain why miyako had used the phrase "to break one's collarbone" when addressing hikari, and keeping her caretaking duties in check. it was on this particular deadline, however, that she saw her guardian in full fury --

"--i can take delays, but lying about your progression?!"

"it was a simple act of miscommunication, that's all--!!!"

the editor was here upon early notice, given hikari's most recent update and insistence on an extended deadline for this milestone, specifically. and it may have been due to the trips she'd kept taking with ayu that had caused delays in the writing process.

(although the girl was persistent in asking about the author's progress, really…!)

miyako wasn't strong, given her disposition of an office worker; sitting at her desk daily didn't exactly lend one to gain muscle. however, even she could put hikari in a chokehold, arms around the author's neck, as she threatened the author (affectionately! though, how would it be read as affectionate in this manner?) spoken assertively by hikari's ears.

"then i will be here, physically, so that our wires won't get crossed. don't worry! it's only until you hand in your latest draft. you remember how many chapters we'd agreed upon before this that you had to complete by now, right?"

it was horrific -- part of the struggle represented something biblical, almost as though it could've been given form through the expertise of a renaissance painting. ayu might've flined when hikari's eyes darted over, full of fear, squeezing out a pitiful, "h-help…!" when miyako started to drag the author away.

"oh, ayu will definitely be helping -- while she's helping you do your chores, you're going to make sure your manuscript is drafted as soon as possible, because otherwise you wouldn't be helping yourself."

"a-ayu… save me…!"

as her partner, ayu really wanted to offer assistance where she could. but knowing she couldn't exactly do much to change the fate of hikari being held to her responsibilities, ayu simply watched, with great regret, as miyako shut the door to the author's office with a quiet, ominous click.

afterwards, the girl simply bowed, and uttered her best show of support in light of the tragedy.

"you can do it, sensei…"

[yzxsn]

100223

| making music together.

usually, upon a new book release, a publishing company would create promotional material to spread awareness about the title. this process may involve videos showcasing the characters and premise of the story.

incidentally, this was the process about to occur with yukari's new novel. however, there seemed to be a problem: it wasn't complete yet, and she was mulling over a digital workstation, picking at different elements of her tracks.

the act of composition was hardly an easy feat, and on speakers, the noise coming from the author's room was loud, jarring; yukari's groans and frustrated taps at her computer took ayu's attention away from cleaning at different points across the day. it was only when dinner was ready that the complaints stopped, and yukari sat at the table, eating, trying to regain her composure.

"what were you doing earlier, sensei?"

ayu must've not seen a music program before, yukari concluded, and decided to take the opportunity to cut a break out from her 'work'. after a brief explanation of her cirumstances (and technology behind the software -- which surprised ayu greatly), the girl wore a thoughtful expression.

"i see… you sounded like you were in distress earlier, though i didn't want to interrupt your work…"

"no, don't worry. i'm sorry if i scared you… but i think i'm really going to need a second pair of ears for this. would you mind?"

the dishes were set in the sink once the pair had finished their meal. at yukari's desk, ayu was presented with the screen -- on it was filled with a myriad of complicated indicators. she grasped onto the back of yukari's chair as the novice musician tried to explain the workspace.

"and this is how it sounds like now…"

as though the time away from the work in progress had cleared their heads, the duo immediately felt as though they'd regretted listening to the piece, with yukari quickly hitting the pause button once a full loop had been played.

"… no, nevermind. maybe i should just leave this sort of thing for the company to handle…"

"ah… perhaps…"

the software was closed with a single mouse click.

"then, sensei," ayu peeped, sheepish and curious, "does that mean you're done with the draft of your novel now?"

there was a curt inhale as yukari froze, realizing her day spent in vain. and ayu could only guess, looking at the author's figure from behind, that the answer was no.

"… ayu. there's no need to tell miyako about my progress yet. really…"

"r-right… it's okay, i won't tell."

yukari sighed, turning around to look at her partner. at the very least, past the tribulations, she was able to extend her hand out and pet ayu for some comfort--

-- which left the girl a blushing mess; almost looking doeful, like a puppy.

"good girl."

[yzxsn]

100223

| making music together.

book a studio. pay the fee. wake up early in the morning and shamble into the car with three guitars -- electric, acoustic, and bass.

this was the process for the two would-be artists. where their personalities and agreements ended, the extent of their relationship had been in tolerance for the art they made together. that, and given their living arrangements, they were practically joined at the hip for the time being.

stella was used to having breakfast bars prepared for the girls in back. in the car, sena scarfs them down, just as yozora slid on earbuds, contemplating their next cover. just because they'd finally started going to a proper studio after years of working with home remixes, didn't mean she felt as thought there was going to be a break in their careers. in fact, as she focused on the riffs that started to blast in her ears, yozora was seriously considering why they were finally returning to official processes after neglecting them for so long.

[playing: fool's gold - ofk.]

once they arrived, they settled into the room quickly, despite the early morning lazy-haze setting in. bassline on her mind, yozora sits down with one of the instruments, quietly picking at the strings to get that repetitive itch out of her head. sena continues to shift their equipment around -- and her decision to argue over sharing their responsibilites goes out the window once she sees that distant look in yozora's eyes.

"… and the recording equipment goes there…"

…

9:00am; mic checks, instrument tuning, and warm ups.

10:00am; they address the message from their mixer, yukimura, about the drum beats being sent in. created from some tentative ideas based off the titles of a tracklist they'd sent her, sena is quicker on the ball to elaborate on them through some immediate brainstorming. it comes to yozora's displeasure; she offers to shelve the proposed melody until they can figure a stronger chord progression.

11:00am; the duo play improvisation with the tools they have on hand -- this is in spite of the song they had expected to develop upon, and the melody quickly takes a rock turn based on their instruments, despite the jazz-oriented process.

12:00am; music is hard work. sena suggests that they take a break before continuing, so they do so.

[playing: comfortable - lauv.]

sena writes to their producer (rika) over a laptop. yozora's mind is still set on work, a habit she had never been able to shake off. that was okay, because the itch she'd had since the day started hadn't gone away, either. she takes the electric guitar off its stand, and continues to strike at the strings.

it's easy to tell when music takes hold of the spirit. difficult to tell from songs alone, given they catered differently from individual to individual. complexity in the ingredients would also to be considered. but sena didn't need to turn around to know that yozora was trying her best to concentrate on something, between the almost inaudible taps of her feet on the carpeted floor, and the quiet singing of lyrics familiar.

just as she set down the laptop, the bridge kicked in, made the song identifiable. so sena paces over, hits record while yozora wasn't paying attention (she never minded, but was frequently surprised), and waits patiently for the chorus. a few steps over to her partner, and she looms over the musician, sly.

her voice melds into the song, and yozora doesn't react to it.

"and i can't help myself--"

(arms wrap around yozora, as she stiffens and pulls her back straight. palms meet the sides of her jaw, and fingers slide themselves under her chin.)

"all i wanna hear you say is…"

sena raises her face, and yozora looks back into an infinity, dropped from her head lost in stars and noise into a lake that spanned forever, and reality kicks back in with a wash of heat.

"…are you mine?"

(she remembered getting dressed, earlier today. black tracksuits were her thing, for yozora, and sena had commented how she'd looked like one of the most popular anime characters at the moment, tainted with only angst, given her monochrome look.

'hitoribocchi.'

before this, she had been lost in music making on her own, going nowhere but circles practicing in her bedroom before sena pulled her out of her shell. a day of carrying her guitar case to school, in replacement of her bag, and then abruptly being pulled aside from the hallway when the sun went down, caught by complete coincidence --)

yozora blinks, and closes her eyes as the shadow falls upon her. lips upon her lips. for a moment, the song dies in her head, and she is freed from the nagging of a muse that didn't belong.

a compulsion still lingered, however, when sena leaves her. yozora doesn't let the kiss end with a tug -- she ends it afterwards, on her own terms, with a sigh and an expulsion of the truth in shifted lips, devoid of voice;

of course i'm fucking yours.

[playing: arctic monkeys - r u mine?]

[yzxsn]

110223

| making music together.

the biggest issue kashiwazaki sena was facing at the moment was simple: how in the world was she going to know that mikazuki yozora was going to like her back?

she hadn't intended for the idea to be speculated upon romantically. no, just as friends -- she was sure that the most obvious fact was that the club leader hated her with all of her whole heart. and yet there was some part of her within that wanted to know it wasn't true.

on this one lonely night, sena found herself staring up at the various voyeur photos in grave desperation for kinship of some sort. that, her mind firmly anchored on yozora's past fortune telling schemes, and her tears shed from mischief after -- those sort of thoughts were keeping the girl up when she should've been sleeping, should've been dreaming of revenge instead.

why was she so concerned about yozora knowing her from the inside out? beyond their relationship as club members, to be as friends… sena curled up with a pillow in her arms as she contemplated, thought back to the spars that only she and yozora shared. the thrill of a competition, of being somewhat evenly matched, despite the latter's obvious disadvantages. the idea that yozora was even willing to try at all, despite vehemently despising her so much.

no, sena knew what platonic affection looked like, having seen other kids her age practice it at the playground when she was younger. gifts, handholding, excited discussions, the occasional adventure elsewhere and the breaking of bread, almost communally -- those were the hallmarks of what made a prime school life experience. if her own eyes betrayed her observations of reality, then at least the writing in her games had fortified this fact, so she knew, concretely, what she was missing out in life.

sena brought the pillow to her face, and cared not if the covers were tear-stained. whatever was she able to do? nothing active; anything along those lines might've been read as desperate, and because she'd honestly tried to be genuine with yozora in the past, only to see her efforts shattered upon contact. oh, on this -- if she needed help, she needed it bad.

maybe one day, she considered, she would be able to have lunch with yozora the same way she was able to experience it in games. the wish she made was born of sorrow, infused with as much hope as the girl could muster, as her will faded of all other prospects, determining them to be too much to dream of in the moment.

for now, she just wanted her mind empty, and to adjust to the sensation a hollow fullness in her mouth, sat on the flat of her tongue. the name of the girl she wished to be friends with on her lips, and the tinge of a gentle admiration neglected, never to be uttered earnestly, only to remain as a gasp stuck in her throat.

[yzxsn]

090223

| it’s time for crime.

enter miyako shirokawa. day job: an editor. a debt collector (of writers' drafts) by night. one of the strangest calls she would get in her lifetime would come from a doted cousin. from the police station. just as she was about to head to another victim's position by dark.

"please miyako. please don't contact my parents…"

ayu sat opposite her, head down, with her gaze towards the floor and clenched fits in her lap. they were in a cafe, across the street from the station, but the police didn't need to involve themselves in family affairs. and miyako sighed, considering the dilemma posed to her from ayu's explanation.

things were even more complicated, now that ayu's parents had decided to relinquish their responsibilities of caring for her to the office worker. given that their daughter was family to miyako, she didn't need to know of the situation in full to understand her obligation in caring for ayu. yet, miyako was understandably frustrated with how dire their argument seemed to be.

after all, ayu must've travelled for long hours to get to the city on her own, especially since she lived far into the countryside.

like any responsible adult, miyako's first concern with regards to ayu's circumstances was to the girl's education. but her cousin seemed more concerned with becoming independent.

"what do you mean by work…? i mean, no one would think about hiring a minor without the consent of their parent, you know…?"

"i'll just have to forge the consent form," ayu explained to her, and this alone was enough to send chills of danger down the adult's spine.

no. way. not on her watch.

"i won't allow you to start such a shady lifestyle."

and that was supposed to be the end of their discussion on that topic. until, somehow, miyako remembered that she, too, had her own origins of working odd jobs, under questionable conditions. sure, it would be criminal to send ayu to work in such positions, but it wouldn't be unsafe. money was still money, even if it was paid from under the table, and she was certain her cousin would be well taken care of, even if, to miyako, her employer was to be considered an airhead.

so that was the route miyako chose to take. while waiting for colleague to pick up the phone, she ran through simulations of the two's potential relationship in her mind. yukari would materially spoil ayu. ayu would domestically care for yukari. yukari would be motivated to write more stories (ideally, on time), and ayu would be reasonably compensated for her work (through money).

yes. yes, this could work after all.

"--you said before that you wanted a beautiful girl to take care of your surroundings, right?"

"oh, i feel like i would've say that."

"well, i'll hold you to it now. because i've found one."

"hah?!"

"i've found one. a beautiful girl who will work for you. so please wait patiently, okay?"

the line was killed before yukari's outburst could be overheard by the beautiful girl in question herself. and as miyako looked upon ayu, she wondered for a moment if she'd gone crazy herself.

well, if that was the case, miyako thought as she pulled up a ride-hailing app on her phone, then the problem really lies with yukari. honestly.

miyako wouldn't be aware of what was to transpire between the author and her now-adopted living partner until much, much later. but even if she had known beforehand, she would still justify that this was the right course of action to have taken to begin with, given their priority for the girl's shelter.

(and, to be truthful? it seemed as though miyako was right after all. on both the better judgement, and the conclusion that yukari was the crazier one, between the two of them.)

[yzxsn]

090223

| it’s time for crime.

this was discussed years into the future, at a reputable fine dining restaurant. to on-lookers, it simply seemed as though two company executives were discussing the details of their latest business venture. what they may not have known, given a lack of immediate analysis, was that one of the two was a government official -- the other, the leader of a company creating one of japan's greatest gaming console.

but that was just appearances. they were sat far from the others, so the details of their conversation wouldn't be picked up by eavesdroppers, despite the lack of sensitive information being exchanged. in fact, the conversation was far from industrial.

the topic was simply alluding to a certain fiance, whose birthday was coming up soon.

yozora would never have known if rika hadn't spelled it out to her, reminded her of an apparent sway that her androgynous looks had over the ladies. and when questioned about her sources, rika mentioned their now distant past, when she'd brought a few cosplays into the club room for their leader to change into, taking place immediately after the introduction of yozora's new haircut to her followers. they'd assumed her to be a different man else at the time, with only one exception amongst the girls.

"and you really think that would work?" yozora returned, suspect. wearing but a similar fashion, with her hair only barely past her shoulders, all that was needed to close the gap between her present self and an idealized fantasy was a simple trim like before. "to just show up in my work attire. nothing else beyond that?"

"if you're starting to forget rika's expertise in this matter," rika started, drawing cuts into her steak, "then she will remind you: she has none. you're the one who's been by sena's side the majority of the past few years, and would likely be the best person in making judgement calls on an appropriate gift for the occasion. rika is only here to remind you of our connection, if you are to be looking into gaming policies in the future, and also to shed light on some of your charms -- if only on kodaka's behalf."

and yozora rolled her eyes. "oh, how nice of him." she hadn't had to manage this attitude amongst her peers in so long, that it felt just a little wrong to be showing it in public. not that it mattered, given how distant they were from everyone else.

she also knew better to be a little more appreciative of her friends, even if they stemmed from questionable years of her life. so she sighed, resuming her meal, and considered broaching a topic she'd explicitly barred herself from discussing with rika almost a milennia ago.

it might do fine, so long as she remembered not to choke on her food.

for now, however, she was better off playing the part of a corrupt negotiator. if all other plans failed, it would serve her well to have something tangible as a gift for her partner.

"so about the newest console. say one of them got delivered to our house on complete accident, with a signed letter from the development team themselves about a momentous occasion to be celebrated. if that could be arranged, alongside with a reasonable tip about upcoming titles to your platform, perhaps someone might consider your interests in parliament -- allegedly."

rika's mirth was hidden behind the chew of her food. despite her carefree appearance, she gave the proposal major thought within the brief pause thereafter. "maybe the latter couldn't be so easily achieved," she clarified, hypothetically, "but someone rika would know could see that the shipping mishaps happen somehow."

well, she did her best for sena. yozora looked none too interested in responding with, "it's in your care," gaze drifting out towards the city's skyline as she considered what her other half was doing. as rika took another bite, the politician thought it the best time to ask based off her strategy -- "say, rika. do you happen to be in the business of recommending erotic controllers, too?"

never let it be said that yozora was the most merciful of her party's lineup. she grinned as the reflection caught her dining companion almost choking, before composure was restored to rika's form. past the surprise, her victim did her best to surpress a laugh, before giving the culprit an evil look. "and rika thought you'd never ask!"

yozora could rest easy, then, that their negotiations were going well. that left most of her plan's work on her shoulders, drafted quickly and neatly in the time span of a single night; from the scheduling of her hair cut, to the appointments she'd have to make at her fiance's favourite establishments. but the most important part of it all was the calling card.

she hadn't settled on a draft just yet, but the title of a 'sinner who drives lust and desires' sounded adequate enough to spur on sena into hyper sensitivity… given an entire day of waiting for a conclusion, if any at all.

then there was no time like the present to start and set her plan in motion.

"add a few of them to the shipment, then. and don't let them be delivered under my name."

"that can be arranged."

at the counter, the meal was settled under one of the politican's cards. behind her, in the distance, rika could still be seen enjoying her meal, considering her consequence-free tab she was not to be responsible for.

yozora only slowed to a halt in her steps in the lift lobby, slipping her gloves back on as she was about to make her exit. doors closing behind her, she decided that it was high time for her to steal sena's heart.

(again.)

[yzxsn]

080223

| damn, you live like this?

if ayu had been told one day, before she'd moved to tokyo, that she would be living under the roof of someone rich and decently famous with all of her needs taken care of, the girl would've passed it off as someone's promise of a fantasy, one not to be taken under serious consideration.

now, however, as hikari took her around the apartment to explore ayu's new and said reality, her tune was starting to change.

it was nice to be taken care of, even if it did come with its own set of complications, but those didn't seem to difficult to deal with. cooking, cleaning, washing -- all those were simply chores that she was tasked to do on a semi-daily basis back when she was living with her family. and it was a small price to pay, too, for sanctuary away from her hometown whilst she figured out what to do with herself.

and to visit the city, knowing she was to frequent it almost on a daily basis in order to fetch groceries and supplies was a thrill. not so much in a manner of excitement; rather, ayu found herself curious about the various shops, with all sorts of items on display. hikari was sure to take the lead on showing her about the malls, and the girl would follow along blindly, but it was still a scenario she had not considered herself to be experiencing.

how unbelievable. how odd.

back at the apartment, when the meal was done, she was able to sit out with a beautiful woman and gaze out towards the stars. there weren't as many as she'd seen back in the countryside, but where they were sitting, on a wonderful balcony in the heart of her country, ayu felt like an unworthy soul experiencing the vacation of her lifetime.

it was hard to grasp the concept of living like this, day to day. harder to imagine the odds, then, of being one of the lucky few to have done so. especially with a host as kind as hikari.

ayu couldn't help but wonder about how she'd acted back in her hometown, when she was forcibly outed to everyone else in her community. despite the mistreatment from her friends and her family, despite her desperation to escape taking her all the way to tokyo, was what she'd done and experienced really worthy of being treated well like this? did ayu really deserve such wonderful treatment?

the girl couldn't help but be afraid, again, reminded of how she might be outcasted by her guardians if they knew, found out that she liked women.

still, there were stars in the sky. and here, she was able to raise her head to look towards them, able to feel just a little unshackled and free, even if she wasn't sure of why she was feeling this way just yet.

…

when ayu finally tore her eyes away from the sky, she came to the conclusion that no matter what came of her circumstances, she would certainly not regret having ran away from home. of what trouble may arise from her presence here, she felt confident, in her naivety and comfort, that she would be able to handle it at the end of the day. and even if she was only made to stay for a miniscule amount of time, to whatever hell she was to return to, she would certainly treasure this experience in her heart.

to hikari, ayu gave a soft smile, unable to stop her tears from welling at the corners of her eyes.

"i'm glad i came here," she declared, honest. "really."

[yzxsn]

080223

| damn, you live like this?

it was one of those days when kodaka really needed to get some studying done, for despite his regimented schedule during the past few days, he was seriously having a difficult time focusing on the symbols upon pages. on any other occasion, his body double to ensure he focused was one of his new classmates, and they would voluntarily show up to the library to get started on revision for one of their lecture notes.

coincidentally, sena had decided to invite the man over. in politeness, he naturally obliged.

now, it wasn't stated to him the reason behind the invitation. he simply took it at face value -- a partner to study with, even though it was sena of all people. doubtless there would be some underlying motivations there that he wasn't in approval of (though, neither was he exactly against it). he was more worried about straying off their cram session, however, considering how poorly it went during the summers of their high school days. so he made his friend promise that they would stay on task.

sena agreed -- on one condition.

| sena: i have something to show you when you get here

strange. and he was hoping it wasn't anything related to weaseling into his pants, but--

| kodaka: sure.

when he arrived, he was expecting to see yozora greet him at the front entrance, but only stella was there to make overtly flirty gestures with little bearing behind them. it was then he remembered how yozora had already left to attend tokyo-u, so the manor would've been dedicated to just the two university students (butler aside) for the day.

sena called him up from the top of the stairwell, and he ascended. she seemed happier than usual -- though kodaka would avoid trying to admit he hadn't been monitoring sena's demeanor past the rigorous note-taking during his classes. his friend was giggling, skipping about just as she lead him towards the double-doors of her room.

"kodaka, do you remember the thing i wanted to show you? well are you ready to see it?"

he shrugged, grinning. though, at the back of his mind, he was already worried about what the showcase would've been about. it was in his best interest to stay calm. "sure, what is it?"

kodaka would not have been able to reinact his surprise to sena's room during his first visit if he tried.

so it was a good thing he didn't have to. where the room used to be devoid of yozora pictures during the girl's stay over at the kashiwazaki's place, there now existed more images of her -- almost including b-roll shots from when she was staying in the manor -- and kodaka's demeanor morphed into that of a statue.

oh man. why was this the type of secret he was meant to keep… from girls, about girls?

sena seemed not to consider much of the repercussions of having her collection back up for presentation. in fact, she relished in it, dancing her way into the room in laughter, and calling for kodaka to enter, "and look! i even got a life-sized cutout of her! this thing took ages to get shipped here!"

okay. if yozora's backlash wasn't enough to educate the woman about the definition of privacy and the considerations of a parasocial relationship, then surely it was up to him as the protagonist to drill that into her.

but. for now. he would have a moment to himself.

"what the heck, sena -- it's been a few months and you've already gone back to living like this?!?!?!?!?!?"

…

during their yozora clean up session (not what kodaka had intended to do that day), he idly tossed back a tense and confused, "look, are you sure you're not playing for the other team? you know, i'm not going to judge you, even if you are."

to his dismay, sena's reply from over her shoulder was a frustrated, "what are you even talking about? i just keep them around because i miss her company, that's all!"

"oh, 'that's all'," he muttered to himself.

"a-and you better not tell her i said that, you hear?"

[yzxsn]

070223

| so we meet again.

it would make sense that ayu was to go back to school at some point. yukari knew this, despite the arrangement they had amongst themselves, both personally and professionally, as far as black contracts could go.

the author chose to accept this, tending to her heartbreak in isolation as she was known to do before. this was only aided by miyako's attendance, which grew more frequent in recency, and dissipated with time just as yukari's wounds began to show signs of healing.

just because the mind forgets, however, doesn't mean the heart forgives.

somehow, the genre of yukari's books had shifted over to a romantic comedy that ended in tragedy, almost in subversion of what already existed in the market during that time period. her publisher profited, and her wallets fattened -- but it didn't matter how many books yukari found herself publishing on the topic. she still kept a calendar, counting down the days to a summer vacation when she could see ayu once again.

on the first year, she'd asked miyako -- "how is ayu doing?"

the guardian would reply, "alright, i think. she'd been pretty busy lately with homework, and i rarely get a chance to talk to her about her school work."

on the second, she'd checked in once more.

"oh, she's joined an after school club recently. i think it's mandatory these days, and i had to sign a consent form for one of the club's travel activities. yeah… i think it would take up the majority of summer?"

on the third, she tried not to ask.

it was part of her new year's resolutions, then -- yukari had assumed that ayu had mostly forgotten about her, despite the letters miyako kept passing to her on rare occasions that marked the middle and end of each year. it was strange to be licking one's wounds for so long, and by yukari's name sake, she was supposed to have a shell thick enough to withstand the greatest of tides.

so she thought nothing of it when summer rolled around. got past envisioning the red circled dates on the calendar, when she decided to look at them. thought nothing about the empty space in her bed as she shifted to take up its spot, getting used to sleeping alone once more.

she was cleaning her kitchen drawer once (under procrastination, of course. yukari hadn't changed one bit). beside her box of nutrient supplements was a small case of tea packets that ayu had preferred. yukari was of the mind to have thrown it out -- after all, it was one more memory of the missing girl that had yet to be rooted from her home. but upon realizing it hadn't expired, yet, she thought it would be best to finish it with miyako, the next time her editor was to come around.

on such a day, yukari was quick to prepare it. two cups of genmaicha, steeped at a perfect temperature. and she knew miyako would chew her out for not having a draft ready for her yet, sure -- but the time to relax could be savoured for just a little longer. yukari was certain at the time, when a knock came at the door.

"ah! coming…"

when she opened the door, she hadn't expected a familiar face to have greeted her with a yelp of astonishment. had expected miyako to have done the hounding herself, but all she found at her doorstep was a familiar puppy instead.

"s-senpai? ah, hello-- it's been a long time…"

the feeling that overtook yukari was complicated -- a mix of tenderness, adoration and longing that welled at the corners of her eyes all at once. there ayu was, once more, now different, and it was as though the world had stopped for yukari herself to appreciate the moment.

that being said, time continued to flow for the grown middle schooler, as she glanced to her phone for instructions.

"um, miyako told me to fetch your documents from you today… actually, she told me i would be interning for her for a little while this year, and that i'm supposed to be in charge of watching over you again, as i did before…"

if yukari smiled, it was in acknowledgement of that strange, twisted truth; that nothing had changed, yet everything still did. she wasn't sure whether to cry or not, to laugh or not, to find the situation amusing, or otherwise.

there were many questions, bittersweet and honest, that would've been deemed worthy by anyone else in her position to have wanted to ask.

but yukari, ever the pragmatist, decided well upon her first few words.

"welcome back, ayu. i'm so glad we got to meet again."

[yzxsn]

070223

| so we meet again.

approximately a year past dropping out of gifudai. an almost completed library of games. sena had found herself being busy one moment, and then not the next. a part of her questioned if she was doing the right thing, or otherwise. surely, it must've been, because it felt a little relieving seperating herself from kodaka. less stifling to have seen him ignore her, time and time again.

though she herself was superhuman, she found herself still too big for the pond that her prefecture had trapped her in.

at stella's behest, they would travel over to tokyo-u to apply for the admissions process. sena would admit she didn't take well to the suggestion at first, until the topic of visiting yozora came up. then, slowly, she warmed up to it.

(stella would recount how, upon first entering the neighbours club, yozora was all the young mistress could concievably think about. obsessed with her first friend then, yes, so the opportunity presenting itself now was worth more than any guy, any heartbreak that life would serve her way.)

it must've been some time before christmas that sena arrived in tokyo. she'd been there before, of course -- back a year ago when life at gifudai still seemed to be fine. but unlike the last, she decided not to crash at yozora's place first.

for some reason, this meeting felt a little more significant, the more sena reviewed her plans in the desolate and lone rented apartment. if she'd succeeded, this meant joining her best friend for years to come in the heart of japan -- because she knew that yozora wouldn't allow romance to come between herself and her dreams, if she was still chasing kodaka. and, considering how between the two, sena had the better odds and failed, what good would the would-be master of the house be against a dense man like that?

sena took a deep breath, examining the messages on her phone. laid in bed, salt aside. she wanted to consider where she should surprise yozora on a visit.

so it was on her birthday that yozora was asked to come out to the city. on her birthday that, by nature, yozora hadn't made plans for, because she hadn't considered it to be an important occasion. sena would be lying if she'd said she'd known and accounted for it -- in truth, the girl was nervous about the possibility of being replaced. it had happened once with her old crush, it could happen again.

it didn't, when yozora showed up alone. somewhere in shibuya, sena had caught her friend entirely by surprise with a hug attack from behind, and a high-pitched laughter, causing a brief scene in the middle of the crowd.

"haha, got you~!"

"h-hey!! you imbecile, don't do that!"

dragged into an izakaya nearby, both red in the face from laughter, anger and the cold, the duo had placed their orders for a light meal. and the gift that sena slid over the table in their booth was a reminder of their friendship, and a promise of the future that kept yozora feeling on her toes.

see, alcohol was a kashiwazaki family tradition, according to her father. and over the years, sena wasn't certain if yozora had been out drinking yet, though the uncertain look in the birthday girl's eyes as she examined her gift had spelled out an obvious 'no' to the gifter. that was fine.

"you can keep it for important guests that visit your place next time then," sena reasoned, waving a hand, as though to ward off the uneasiness of having a gift poorly received after the decent presents in the past. but yozora shook her head, with a hint of conviction in the force she used to close the box's lid.

"no, i'll… have some. not here, but tonight, when i get back. i'll need to do so some day, anyway… for social gatherings."

the alcohol had been a hibiki, a suggestion from stella as she was sending sena off at the train station. its bright orange hues were almost a call to action, effective to yozora, as she thumbed the cloth cover of the gift box in hesitation.

when yozora was quiet, sena was rarely able to tell what she was thinking. darting eyes, a tight-lipped expression, and the latter found herself better off thinking about when their skewers were about to arrive. her attention finally turned back to the prospecting giftee as the box was slid over to the side of the table.

"you should join me. tonight. not that you need to come over or anything. i just figured you should have a taste yourself, since you got it for me after all--" and yozora tucked a lock of hair behind her ears. "-- otherwise, it would be a waste of an opportunity for good alcohol."

now, sena had tried drinking before, and found that she could hold her own (a trait she must've gotten from her mother, she realized). part of her had remembered how it felt to have started to do so on her own, the other half recalling seeing a message shown to her by kodaka once, about her attendance at some of their meetings back when they were in saint chronica. so the habit (read: cover up) was a little more obvious, by now.

when yozora opened her mouth to speak once more, just as their skewer platters were being served, sena had the great opportunity of interrupting their server with a lean forward, and a squeak of earnesty --

"sure! i would love to."

…

the bottle of japanese harmony was meant to be enjoyed in sips. poured into tiny glasses, sena contemplated this, watching her friend indulge herself when they were back at the apartment, yozora insisting she not only learned how to drink it, but serve it as well. either it was butler training, or a necessity for her career in the future -- yozora had always been a schemer, but how far into the future her plans entailed, sena couldn't tell.

so cup after cup was poured -- more for sena, with yozora's count lagging behind.

sena also couldn't tell why, after several years of distrust between them, yozora was willing to allow sena to drink with her. yozora had always been adamant about sena's horrible track record towards her own demeanor. and they were friends, yes. close friends, perhaps; rivals, almost. but surely, the woman who preferred to keep all at a distance would've chosen to do things on her own, just as she usually did. it was evident, back then, during her stay in kashiwazaki residence especially.

it was when yozora leaned her head against sena's shoulder, at some point during their lounge, that the woman started to put the pieces together. her guess towards fear had been right, of being alone when it came to the drink. but aside from that, the whiskey had tasted especially delicious that night -- its usual sweetness enhanced by something or other. was it the winter chill? the toll of the bells on the midnight of christmas eve?

the realization struck her like a supernova, as sena set down her cup. yozora had looked upon her with an expression of queasiness mixed with aggravation -- and that had meant she didn't take kindly to the whiskey.

sena sought forgiveness for the infliction on inebrieation in those addled steps her friend took, as she guided yozora to bed. and her guest abided by it, going no further, deciding to sleep in the hall on the couch. it would be a good idea to ask about her past setup when daylight came for them later.

she wondered, too, if yozora, known for holding grudges, had forgiven her for anything else.

the miracle of christmas, that supernova from earlier, had been simple. past, present and future had all culminated in a single moment of vulnerability, reflected in her best friend's eyes. and though she was not expecting a gift from her visit, what she got out of her exchange was thus:

kashiwazaki sena may have been in love with her best friend the entire time.

and, in this hunt, she was determined that she was not going to lose.

[yzxsn]

060223

| and they were roommates.

it wasn't so bad, was it? for ayu to be scorning her room in favour of sleeping next to hikari on some days, some days, when the nightmares got a little too intense.

back in her family's house, she knew herself to be too old to approach her parents for comfort and care after such worries -- and it wasn't as though she wanted to bother them, anyway.

so why, now, did she feel compelled to seek hikari out when she was feeling uneasy, unnerved in the dead of the night?

to be honest, it didn't seem as though hikari had minded. and yes, they seemed to be going out with each other -- but ayu had barely the slightest clue of what that had meant to the other individual, the older -- because she couldn't remember talking about it in earnest with each other. and she wasn't sure how to bring up the topic during daylight, either.

so what was love to her, when it wasn't defined?

with her parents, the obligations were always split up. income from her father, household chores from her mother. and it wasn't as though she was naive to what was going on behind their closed doors, on some nights, but she rarely got to see what else parents would do with each other when their child wasn't around -- because that would've required her to be removed from the scenario entirely.

thinking back, she did remember the brief exchanges of loving glances, the held hands, and pecks on the cheek in passing when she was watching her friends get picked up from the early days of middle school. but that was in front of other people, and hikari was more than willing to do that with her, sometimes, when she'd asked.

had love, then, always been a confession of vulnerability? ayu wasn't sure. but she knew she'd been disturbing hikari for the greater half of a week, by now, when she approached the woman again for comfort after a harrowing thought about miyako alerting her parents about how hikari had been treating her. would miyako, then, be faulted as a negative influence on top of her own self taking to tokyo to run away?

she tugged on hikari's blanket, quiet, and received a sleepy gaze in return.

"ayu? … it's late. did you have another nightmare again?"

ayu nodded, almost doe-eyed. and always, just like before, hikari would shift from her corner of the bed to make room for her partner, ayu climbing onto the spot warmed just for her as she felt herself taken. first, by the blanket's embrace. then, by hikari's own hands upon her belly, keeping the young girl close.

"do you want to talk about it?" her other half asked. ayu shook her head, trying to get comfortable.

(always, always, always, her heart was racing, but she felt open with hikari, safe.)

"okay. … if you want, i can stay awake with you until you fall asleep."

"no-- i'll be okay. i'll fall asleep soon, really…"

she didn't say anything else beyond that, not wanting to be a bother.

when ayu finally rolled around to face hikari, she realized the woman had kept to her word, eyes still open in the dark. the girl tried not to look straight at the woman, shy, while fingers were stroking the back of her head.

vulnerable, vulnerable. like prey in the lion's den.

"ayu… you know, i don't mind if you wake me up if you think you have a problem."

and the girl wasn't sure if she should have felt guilty for having pestered hikari at all.

"but, if you're having trouble sleeping alone, you could always get in bed with me."

"get… get in bed…?" ayu flushed.

hikari, half-asleep, still opted to change her words after a chuckle. "no, not like that. i'm far too sleepy tonight. … what i mean is, move in with me properly. when you're going to sleep, come here and sleep with me instead."

between the sweet offerings of hair combing, warmth, hikari's softness and her suggestion to room together, ayu simply couldn't help but hum in acknowledgement. somehow, despite having scared herself from earlier, wondering about miyako, she was feeling calmer, clear-headed, bothered instead by the new proposition hikari gave her.

ayu went quiet, eyelids half closing by the time had made a decision. "would that be okay… with you?"

"absolutely," hikari said back, leaning in for a kiss upon ayu's forehead in affirmation. the girl hummed, satisfied, just as the darkness started to consume the world around her.

the last thing that fell from ayu's lips was an affectionate, "then that'll make us roommates". it was half-gibberish towards the end, from comfort, adoration and exhaustion, enough to make hikari smile and hold her closer in understanding.

"yes, it will," she whispered to herself, before following her other into the realm of dreams.

"goodnight, ayu."

[yzxsn]

060223

| oh my god, they were roommates.

picture this:

it has been two years since the latest enrollment period for getting into tokyo university. students applied to classes on a self-schedule basis, and it was very unlikely for rumors to spread within a cohort; either the batch being admitted was too large and varied in interests to facilitate that sort of casual cohesion, or everyone was too busy with their own studies to bother with unverified sources of information.

that said, this one still managed to spread around.

the latest cohort had an excellent student recently admitted into law. one of the better students of her class, she carried a relatively unknown family name. some would call it the rising of an underdog. and her astounding ability to memorize and comprehend the ins and outs of japan's legal policies only supported her professor's willingness to sing praises of her eagerness to learn.

still, an outstanding student did not make an easy rumor fly. it was the year after her admittance into tokyo-u that compounded her presence within campus.

this other student, admitted only recently, was especially unique due to her charming appearance. from what it sounded like, the different students who approached her admitted that they thought she was present for tokyo-u's english programmes, or attending due to its exchange programme. on both accounts, they would be wrong.

when queried on what she would be majoring in, the student replied, "early education, or psychology". but when prompted for a reason, she wasn't exactly able to give a reply. or, rather, the reason behind her reply was tightly sealed.

tokyo-u students were known to be rather conservative, almost mirroring the views of the upper echelons of japan's middle class society. when the first student, enrolled into law, had declared herself to be working for the public in a school interview, her responses seemed rather just. in her classes centered on debate, however, her deviant ideology began to shine.

somehow, this did not earn her the ire of her classmates, nor professors. perhaps they had gotten used to seeing these progressive sort of individuals as of late. those who attended classes with her were able to speak diligently about her passion for citizens of japan that the system had not been designed to uplift yet, as well as provide her thoughts on improving current policy, so as to provide more welfare for her fellow countrymen.

now, the rumors began to spread when part of the student base realized that these two individuals from completely different courses, enrolled at different times, had seemed to be friends.

close friends, mind you. the type to ride public transport together on certain days, and arrive by the same chauffered vehicle on others. they only started to draw attention ever since the latter had enrolled, as on certain days, they were caught bickering about some issue or other as they were both headed into campus.

some of their classmates had speculated: perhaps they were family? but their last names were different, and neither did they seem to look similar in any manner. or maybe they were flat mates? the cost of living in tokyo seemed to be rather high, and university funds were no joke, especially for tokyo-u, despite the school being considered public. this made sense to a lot of the students, so for most unwitting individuals to learn about two random women's relationship, they were willing to stop their research there.

this was, however, of great interest to students adjacent to them.

the former was a cold, astute and determined individual; the latter didn't seem to care too much for her studies at all. this personality divide was easily assigned the reason as to why they did not mesh well together, it seemed, on the surface. and it begged the question of how and why either of them had seemed to put up with each other; taking the effort to arrive at school at approximately the same time, for example. or were they so strained for money that they had to share a ride together?

but the education-centric woman had vouched in earnest: it's my car.

in tokyo? this was a big deal. so no, they couldn't have been strapped for cash.

the investigative students believed that they could also extrapolate more clues from the behaviour of the new attendant this way. while the mikazuki was tight-lipped, the kashiwazaki seemed not to care about revealing details of her life up to a certain point, when she would get tired about talking of herself, and would pivot the conversation elsewhere instead.

the first few questions had been relative to some of the male students' interests -- invitations out on a date, one on one, that she would always turn down in favour of a group outing. topics about her crush? deflected. on marriage, or the thought of living with a future partner? shut down, turned away, ignored.

for those who came from the perspective non-centered from romance, they made a bit more progress. deducing that both mikazuki and kashiwazaki were living together, and originated from the same high school.

so childhood friends was the easy answer. after all, the way that she'd also approached the former, down at the faculty of law after class had ended (how else would she know the schedule of a law student?) also suggested that they were much, much closer than the average definition of a close friend.

and then suddenly, someone suggested that they were roommates.

it might've been the slip of the tongue, or vitrol over getting rejected by the beauty once again. but then it started to be acknowledged as fact, unbeknownst to the two rumor-centered individuals, and slowly it started to make sense.

why else would mikazuki be so liberal? why else would kashiwazaki not be interested in dating any boys?

someone would've sent a girl to try and confess, but it wasn't as though anyone was willing to risk their reputation, either by it sounding ingenuine or an insult if it were actually executed. so the students simply stayed quiet, watching. until past one christmas, they suddenly had matching piercings. finally started to hold pinkies.

the piercings they got were a crescent moon, hugging a studded star in the sky.

and finally, the student body could breathe a sigh of relief. because, oh my god, of course, they definitely were roommates.

[yzxsn]

050223

| came to the rescue.

there was this ancient greek myth that spoke of how humans were originally beings torn into half. that, created whole, they were arrogant and uncaring, a pestulance upon the earth. now, incomplete, they would spend the rest of their lives searching for their missing piece.

perhaps, yukari concluded, that was why love to her felt like being saved from drowning.

how strange an emotion, she considered, half-awake, holding ayu quietly in her arms. they were still at the ryokan, and it was early in the morning -- earlier than yukari had ever wanted to be awake at. she knew that it was about to rain. a light shower, perhaps, and when it came, she would eventually be lulled back to sleep.

and yukari had never known the feeling of love. wasn't sure if this, too, was true for real. ever elusive, perhaps the emotion should've had its own myth too, she thought.

she also knew that ayu wasn't going to be her other half. because of their differences in age, and despite the mythos never stating that to be a factor in souls rejoining, she was still wholy aware of the fact that this was nothing more than a patchwork stitch meant to mend her heart for the time being.

she couldn't factor in a loss to her day to day routine. another one, like ayu leaving her, would've torn her apart.

so yukari kept her close, despite her best intentions of being honest, respectable, with what was left of her dignity after leaving her family and their expectations behind. yukari clung on to the sleeping beauty, bare and cold, like clinging onto driftwood while lost at sea in the middle of a hurricane. when their bodies met, she could only imagine how it would've been like to seal the barest of distances between them, so she would never have to feel lonely, isolated ever again.

ayu confessed to her, and she felt as though she was rescued.

one day, she promised, lids closing as the first drops of rain hit the foliage outside their room, she was going to save the kid from having a life as tragic as her own.

yukari would fall asleep, with a runaway tear running down her cheek. and ayu would've turned, uncomfortable, shifting the woman's face close to their blanket, draining it by cloth.

yukari didn't know it yet, but she'd already saved the girl.

yukari was ayu's shelter in a storm.