It is ironic that many believe that the LGBTQIA+ movement is going to alter young minds and make kids think that they are something they are not. However, I cannot even give you the exact age of when the first time I had an intrusive thought about it; a thought that wasn't even put there by any media I consumed, any people I hung out with or and family interference. "What if I am gay?", popped into my mind one night and I was distraught with anxiety.
Many of you who have never struggled with your identity acceptance would not understand but I want you to imagine the fear that not only can you not tell people what you are thinking but if they knew everything would change. Please note that it is not a gay thing to crave stability and consistency but a human desire that we all share. I did not want change. I was only about eleven when this first happened and I didn't have a job to lose or even the wear Withall to comprehend hate crimes; All I was afraid of was that my family could read my mind and that I suddenly would be unloveable.
The thing is that I can just anticipate the criticism I am going to get just by writing my story. "I think you are exaggerating when you say you were that afraid". I am not here to convince anybody of anything but just to tell my story and hope that it puts another face to the movement. A face that helps people understand that this is not an agenda to change anybody but a fight for freedom to not be afraid. I want that for everybody and I especially want it for people that have been afraid.
Everything I knew about being gay was negative. There were comments about certain articles of clothing being only worn by gay people, or that if you do certain things that you would be assumed to be gay, and it was always with a warning underlying it. Don't let anyone think you are gay.
My mom has always been an independent woman who raised six children and she prided herself in that. At one point she bought a truck and I believe this was empowering for her. I believe this is so she wouldn't ever need a man for anything especially hauling stuff around let alone taking care of her children. One thing that stuck with me, though, is that when it was just me and her in the truck she made it a point to say I couldn't sit in the middle, closest to her, unless somebody was already in the passenger seat. I will not say any of my memories are correct but they are my truth because that is how I remember them. I do remember her saying that people would think we are gay if I sat next to her. However, maybe her shame in her nonverbals spoke this more than her words. I wish I could authenticate the actual truth. This was such an uncomfortable feeling for me, though.
My relationship with my mom was always a complicated one because I wanted to be close but yet there always seemed to be things in the way; her job, her mental/physical health and now her fear of being perceived to be gay with her own daughter. I could feel my mom's shame and I never wanted her to feel that way and so I think I took that on.
I don't remember things that easily so the chronology of my story might be off and I definitely will forget details that I curse myself later for not adding but, alas, here it is.
I also remember that night I had the intrusive thought I was laying in my mothers bed. I often found reasons to sleep with her out of comfort; be it the scary dolls in my room, other anxieties or just not feeling well. I do not remember why I was there but just that I was and that I had that unsolicited thought.
I felt compelled to reach over and shake my mom awake and tell her about my thought because I was never a good liar and I felt wrong keeping this to myself. I needed her to know and maybe she could comfort me and tell me I wasn't gay and that I had nothing to worry about. Yet, another fear came into my mind, what if it never gets to the comforting part. What if she is appalled at my statement. I remember crying myself to sleep that night.
I later realized that my intrusive thought in my mom's bed that night was not an early sign of me being a gay but evidence of my own shame and fears. All in all this did not allow me to have a healthy sexual development.
I had interest in boys and I can admit I was intrigued by sexual activity with them from a fairly early age. All of which is normal development.
However, I do remember every once in a while having the creeping thought again and I would shake it off, often with the combatting evidence that I have had crushes on boys and have been aroused during certain situations with them.
TThe main thing that this stigma effected for me was having healthy confidence in my own sexuality and ability to relate to the same sex. When it came to coming into contact with girls I would panic and avoid it at all costs. I don't know why but maybe I was afraid to feel interest in them so I created very strong boundaries in my mind about what I could and could not think about. If there was a scene in a show/movie that displayed women liking women (wlw) relationships then I would avoid looking at it especially if other people were in the room. I could not be seen gawking at that or be confused for liking it. Later, I realize I think there was more discomfort internally. I didn't want to enjoy it. Again, most of the time the subject would come up in conversation I would challenge it with all of the reasons I like boys. I can laugh at this concept now because I realize I was seeing things so black and white. Bisexuality wasn't even on my mind during my teenage years. Even if it was I don't remember thinking about it. All I remember thinking is that if I was gay I would rather be with a man and just tolerate that lifestyle. I actually thought that being normal was going to be more worth it than taking risks on getting to know myself and possibly losing everything I had ever know.
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