Back then, I told myself that someday I would raise up both of my hands to you regardless of what people would say and whenever I’m ready to surrender myself onto you but not today. Someday.
I was scared and shy of the scenarios running through my head that if ever I will lift up my hands to you, would I look stupid infront of the others? What would people think of me? Do they see me as a crazy person? Even when the preacher says, “Lift ‘em up, don’t mind them. It’s just you and God.” I was still bothered and I would open my eyes to see if there’s a lot of people raising their hands. Silly me.
And that’s when you started changing my mind. My life, actually. Many times I failed to do my thing, that simple thing you always asked me to do. To lift my hands up wholeheartedly. God, I am so scared of what would people say. I lived half of my life fitting into their expectations rather than yours. It took me years to have the courage to do it.
Until one day, I don’t know. Maybe you whispered. My professor wasn’t able to meet the class. It leaded me to go to The Feast Manila. I was puzzled by the way. Why the heck am I doing this? It wasn’t sunday though. I still had a lot of homeworks to do but still I managed to go there. It was the first time I went alone for you. I usually praise you together with my peers. No, I only praise you whenever I’m with them. That’s when I realized, I was pleasing them. Not you.
I was so astounded God, even right now while I’m writing this. And then I went, listened to the talks Daddy O’s has been preaching. God, are you talking to me? It just sounds like it. Is it now? The talk ended and the worship began. I was nervous, should I lift my hands this time? Should I start conquering my fears? Should I stop listening to what other people would say? Should I start living without their considerations? Should I surrender myself to you? My thoughts were baffled and blurry. My hands are shaking and it’s too cold like there’s no blood in it.
“Thousand times I failed, still your mercy remained…”
Sorry for failing you God, I’m hardly praying that I won’t this time.
“…The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.”
This is it. I’m losing myself now. I’m losing myself onto you.
“My heart and my soul, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out…”
I raised up both of my hands. I did it. I never felt so alive than I was in my whole existence. The feeling was unexplainably extraordinary. Words aren’t forming yet my heart poured it all out with my tears. And there’s three things I knew.
“… And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out of my soul, cries out Lord.”
I felt freedom. I felt loved. I felt God.
And an endless gratitude to you Jesus, for dying at the cross and gave us a chance to unify ourselves back to God’s ever loving arms.
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