in too deep.

zayn. 22. ❝Leave all the lights on and maybe I'll find my way back home.❞

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

“I missed you too, Boo. More than you can imagine.” Zayn said softly, fingers still moving through Louis’ hair, trying to calm him down. “It’s okay.. I’m here now, you’re okay.” He chuckled, his heart fluttering as he watched the smaller boy nuzzle into his neck, a wide smile settled upon his lips. Zayn went quiet for awhile and stood there, holding the smaller boy tightly, fingers drawing small patterns into the fabric of his shirt. He definitely missed this more than he thought he did. It felt so good to have him back in his arms and the only thing Zayn could describe it as was fate. To think that if he hadn’t of bumped into Louis when he did, that they might’ve never have talked again, killed him.

Zayn shook himself out of his thoughts and kissed the top of his head, a small sigh leaving his lips. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying right here.” He promised, rubbing his arms to warm him up. “C’mon.. I’m staying right down the road, let’s get you warmed up.” He smiled, kissing the side of his head and leading them both down the street, his arm wrapped tightly around his shoulder.

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

Zayn moved his hands to rest on the smaller boy’s cheeks, thumbs wiping away at the tears falling down his cheeks, a sad smile playing on his lips. “I swear to you, that when you wake up, I’ll be right there beside you. I’m not going anywhere, I swear that to you.” He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the tip of his nose. He never did like seeing Louis like this, but not many other people got to see this side of Louis. His soft side, everyone always saw the tough side of Louis. But not Zayn, Zayn always brought out this side of him. Both good and bad.

“I’m not going anywhere, boobear. I promise. I’ll stay, I won’t be going anywhere. Not for awhile.” He said softly, fingers threading through his soft caramel locks, keeping him close. “I’ll come back there with you. We can just go back and relax, I’ll stay with you as long as you want me there, Lou.” Zayn whispered against his forehead, moving to press a kiss to the side of his head, rubbing his arms a bit to warm him up.

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

Zayn loved the feeling of having Louis back in his arms, even if it wasn’t under the best circumstances, but Zayn was grateful to just have him in there in that moment. He sucked in a deep breath and pressed a few more gentle kisses to his forehead, squeezing him tightly. “I can’t leave you again, Lou.. I won’t. I’m not going anywhere, not anytime soon.” The boy whispered into his ear, hand moving down to settle down at back of his neck, playing at the hairs there. 

“Then don’t be without me, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay, as long as you want me to.”  Zayn told him, leaning back to look at him, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Where are you staying while you’re here? It’s getting chilly out here, I know you don’t want to stand here all night.”

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

Zayn stood there with the smaller boy held tightly to his chest, one hand rubbing small circles into his back, the other buried into Louis’ soft hair, almost as if he was scared Louis was gonna run off and he would wake up, everything that had happened somehow turned out to be a dream. Which would be more like a nightmare. “I’m sorry, Louis.. I’m so sorry.” He whispered softly, pressing a gentle kiss to his soft locks, squeezing him gently. “I hate seeing you hurt like this, especially knowing that I’m the one who made you like this.” Zayn sighed, fingertips circling Louis’ back soothingly, swaying them back and forth slightly. 

“I’m not gonna make you forgive me, or pretend that nothing ever happened. Because what’s done is done and I’ve already caused the damage that I did. If I could go back in time and fix the shit I’ve done, believe me, Lou. I would.” The boy sighed, just pulling the boy closer, enjoying the warmth that was radiating off of him. Wrapped in a cloud of comfort that was Louis.

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

Zayn couldn’t find the right words to say, he knew that no matter what kind of excuse he came up with, it wouldn’t matter. He tore Louis apart and he wasn’t aware of it until now. Zayn took a couple of deep breaths, head hanging down low almost in shame. “I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to choose between me and the band..” He said softly, kicking at the ground with his boot nervously. “I understand, though.. I’m not gonna sit here and make excuses because there are none. I’m sorry, Louis. I know I can’t convince you that I truly am, but at least I can sit here and tell you face to face.” Zayn told him, eyes searching Louis’ face, watching him tear up. 

“Louis, it’s not like it. It’s not, I promise. It killed me to lose you, it did. Whether you believe it or not. But I can’t blame you for not believing me. I get it.” Zayn sighed, running a hand through his hair, just watching Louis’ face carefully. The next thing he knew, he was wrapping Louis up in his arms, cradling the boy against his chest. “Say the words and I’ll leave. You won’t have to hurt anymore, you can move on and forget this ever happened. But I’d like to stay, and I don’t want you to leave..” Zayn whispered against his hair, eyes squeezed shut.

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

“I don’t know yet! Yes, I’ve been writing my own music. But it’s not for an album and it’s not for the world to hear. It’s mine. Nothing’s set in stone right now..” Zayn sighed, continuing to let the boy get it out of his system, his chest tightening as he listened to his voice crack, the raw emotion of the whole situation settling deep down in his stomach. His brain scrambled to find the words that he so desperately wanted to say, to show Louis that he didn’t do it on purpose. That the last thing he would want in this world, is to hurt Louis. “I did need time for myself.. That part was true. I thought it’d be nice to be out on my own, doing whatever I wanted. It was nice for awhile and while I was out every night, not thinking clearly, I made the decision. And once it was done, it was over. I wasn’t getting any second chances, and I thought it’d be for the best at the time.” 

“But it wasn’t, Lou. Losing you.. Losing the boys, it wasn’t for the best.” Zayn whispered, staring down at his shoes, feeling uneasy. “You were the hardest part. I loved you with everything that I have, Lou. And you know that. I couldn’t say goodbye, I couldn’t. I knew I would change my mind. You were the biggest piece of me and it killed me to lose you. It wasn’t easy for me.” The boy huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “It meant everything to me. It still does. All of our pictures, the stuff, clothes. I still have it, Louis. As a reminder that you were once real and I had you. I still fucking miss you, no matter how much it seems that I don’t.” He finally stopped, huffing out a couple of breaths. 

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

[zayynsversace]

Zayn opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His hand still held out even after Louis stepped back, his chest suddenly feeling tight, his emotions running wild through him. “I--..” He started, his lips settling into a deep frown, his hands settling down deep into his pockets, trying to figure out the right words to say. “Lou, it’s.. -- I’m sorry. There’s no solo album, not yet anyway. It’s not..” He trailed off, shaking his head at himself. The boy couldn’t mess this up, not now. He knew this must be a sign and he knew that if this didn’t go well, it might be his last chance.

“I’m sorry we didn’t talk about things, I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve said bye or, or something! I know.” Zayn sighed and reached his hand up, rubbing it down his face a few times, wondering if this was just a dream. But as soon as he opened his eyes, the beautiful boy was still standing right there in front of him. “If you want to walk away, go. I’ll understand. But I’d really like to talk to you, if you’d let me. Or you can yell at me, whatever you want.” He said softly, fidgeting around nervously. 

[zayynsversace]

lead me to you. &&  zouis.

Zayn let his eyes flutter shut as he leaned against the cool brick building, smoke blowing out into the chilly night air, disappearing into the night. He was at some club, one he didn’t even bother to remember the name, with a group of friends that he could never really call home. that was his life now. After leaving the band. First it was the break, it was nice, sure. He felt free, felt alive, for the time being. It was different. It was what led to the decision to leave the band, Zayn though. He knew that it hurt everyone, the fans, his boys, his Louis. Louis. The one piece that completed his puzzle. You could say he was Zayn’s anchor. That was the hardest part about leaving because when it came down to it, he left Louis. They never really said goodbye or talked about it, Zayn knew he wouldn’t be able to. 

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, the boy threw down his cigarette onto the ground, stomping it with his boot to make sure it was out. He let out a deep breath and pushed himself off the wall, deciding it was probably time to head back in, maybe to tell them he would be leaving for the night. As soon as he went to turn the corner, he felt a warm solid body collide straight into his. Zayn balanced himself with one hand on the cool bricks of the building, the other reaching out to settle on the other’s arm. “I’m sor--... Oh.” Was all that came out, his expression blank and unreadable, staring straight at Louis.