Hey Man, That's Personal.

An online space for my garbage, ramblings, and feelings. 

[zehcnasatsudnoc]

Thank you.

Things have improved dramatically. I found a new design gig that has transformed my life and my work ethic. I work harder than I ever have before, but the return has proven to be more than fruitful. I’m given so much more responsibility and control over projects, and guess what? They’re running smoothly.

I single-handedly transformed my life into success with a shitload of dedication and I’m very happy for it.

I’m dating someone. It’s going pretty well... Sure, he’s 250 miles away, but we connect and compliment each other really nicely. I have noticed that some of his mannerisms can low-key drive me crazy, but overall he’s a good egg and means nothing but good for people he cares about. This weekend will be our third getaway planned and it’ll be the first time we’ll be completely isolated with ZERO distractions. So this could get interesting.

Wish me luck?

[zehcnasatsudnoc]

Dude. Shut up.

I don’t know why I do this, but I often answer questions too quickly without knowing the answer. It’s gotten me to a point when my colleagues in meetings are seeming a bit annoyed with me. I think I’m starting to jeopardize the appearance of intelligence. I know why I’m quick to pretend to know answers, it’s because I feel threatened by another colleague who is working on the same project as me and she’s performing much better than I am.

I think I need to focus on my work and less on the one who feels like a threat to me. I’m tired of bumping into situations in the workforce where my intelligence is at stake and people assume I have a big ego.

I think the other reasoning why I tend to do this is because I have a sense of fear that I constantly feel like I’m being negatively judged by my work. And instead of working hard to surpass it, I dwell on that fear and get caught up in doing less impactful work.

So I sense a sort of chain reaction. Maybe I need to focus on a few things:

1. Stop being so scared of under performing

2. Focus harder on the bigger picture of your work

3. If you don’t know something, say so, and do research so that you do know something.

[zehcnasatsudnoc]

Clouds

It’s coming back. I keep feeling this heavy cloud over my head. I think I’m feeling a little depressed. Not sure what’s wrong but I think I just feel very invisible and incredibly awkward around my work colleagues, so I feel best just hiding from them and working in a remote area in the office. The more I’m here, the more I feel like there is no path to follow for my success. I’ve been thrown into a role that has no intention of improving or becoming full-time. Should I consider working elsewhere? 

I guess I’m just in a mental thunderstorm today, lingering from last night’s feelings of loneliness—hoping this runs its course so I can finish this dull design project. 

[zehcnasatsudnoc]

What’s a Soulmate?

Tonight I’m feeling extra mushy. I just saw a youtube video of my favorite youtube stars watch other videos that fans made about her and her boyfriend. One of the videos they came across was all about their connection and how they are soulmates. It got me thinking: I’m so fucking lonely right now. It’s a strange kind of loneliness because I feel like I deserve to be this alone. They had video footage of memory after memory from their widely documented relationship. The video has a wonderful narration, which goes as follows: 

What’s a soulmate?...

Well, it’s like a best friend, but more. It’s the one person in the world who knows you better than anyone else. Its the one who makes you a better person, actually they don’t make you a better person, you do that yourself, because they inspire you.  A soulmate it someone you carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them. Nothing could ever change that.

The last big relationship I was in was ended by me and it was such a difficult process to unhinge the doings of our lives together mentally that I feel like I lost a soulmate. It makes me sad and sometimes I just need to have a moment and cry about it. I know I should move on, but my tears aren’t hurting anybody, so let me have my little dark moment for a second. 

I have gone on dates since the breakup. I just don’t feel like I’m really having an easy time relating and feeling safe with the few I’ve gone on dates with. Some have lashed at me for not moving fast enough with them. In cases like that, it made my walls go up even higher. 

So where am I now? 

I think I’m starting to really feel what loneliness feels like. The part that hurts the most is wishing I had memories that I can look back with that special person and show my gratitude for life together, but I don’t have any connection like that with anyone. What’s my deal? What’s holding me back from connecting with someone? I don’t even crush on anybody like I used to, well, that’s not true. I guess part of my frustration is the one I really like isn’t available for me to date. Curse you, fate.