It’s been two and a half years since I’ve experienced the cloud of depression and I thought I’d never experience it again.
But I’m back in the cloud.
After living with depression for years and after writing extensively about it you’d think I would recognize when my mind is consumed by the cloud, but oddly it took me a while to acknowledge I was experiencing a bout of depression.
No matter how many times I experience depression whenever it comes full force it confuses and shocks me.
I think it’s because I immediately go from being extremely optimistic, hopeful, and energetic, filled with feelings and hope, to being completely numb.
Numb.
That’s the best way to describe it.
When depression hits, in a moment I become numb with no warning and no explanation. So I am left on my own to navigate and process what is happening in my mind, all the while I have no desire to find out because I lose all care for anything.
That’s no exaggeration. When I say numb I mean absolutely no feelings towards anything.
It’d be easy if I had no responsibilities in life. I could afford to not care about anything. But that’s not the case for me.
I have to care for the people in my life. I have to care for my job. I have to care for my own health and well-being.
I have all these fires I need to keep lit but when depression consumes my mind I run out of matches, and have no desire to find more.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this depression except my wife. Maybe that’s selfish of me but I don’t want to be a burden to other people by sharing my pain.
I don’t even fully understand my pain right now. It’s still surprising to me and not making sense that I can switch moods so quickly. Like I said earlier I also thought I was done with depression so I’m pissed and humiliated I have to fight through this again. And I’m scared because I don’t know when this bout will end.
I’m not trying to gain attention to myself or have anyone feel sorry for me. I’m writing this because over the years I’ve learned this helps me process and navigate through my depression better than anything else.
Seeing my thoughts and feelings on paper makes them tangible targets to easily identify and to work through.
Even right now I’m sitting back, looking at what I’ve written so far, and am lost on where to go from here.
I hate writing blog posts that don’t end with a solution in mind. I feel it’s not a complete post and I’m wasting your time because all I’m doing is writing my feelings down.
If you’re living with depression I’m sorry I don’t have an answer to give you. I’ve ignorantly attempted to come up with solutions in the past when I thought I had overcome depression but now I don’t know if I ever will. Again, that’s scaring me.
My competitive nature will force me to fight and not allow me to give up. I’m going to keep striving to be the best husband, dad, Soldier, leader and friend I can be because everyone in my life deserves that. What’s confusing is me trying to figure out how to do that while not feeling anything. I thrive off energy and optimism. When depression takes that away I become blind and can’t see what to do next.
I’m not alone though; the best humans on earth surround me and I don’t take that for granted. I’m not defeated, just confused and trying to figure out what to do moving forward.
as i’ve talked about before, it is a real thing in my life. and the more i talk with people the more i realize it’s real in just about everyone’s life.
so i want to keep talking about fear because fear doesn’t have to have a place for long in our lives. there are many times it will walk through the door but it never has the right to stay.
in the bible there is an account taken of jesus and his followers that deals with fear:
on the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the religious leaders, jesus came and stood among them and said to them [disciples], “Peace be with you.” when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord. jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the father has sent me, even so I am sending you.” - John 20:19-21
jesus’ followers were inside with the doors shut and locked for fear of the religious leaders coming and falsely accusing them of taking away jesus’ body.
yet jesus still finds his way inside. and the first thing he says is, “peace be with you.”
i love that no matter how fearful i am and how much i try to shut out everything, including god, he will still come in and start talking.
he will still come in and bring peace. peace that no one and nothing else can bring.
and jesus’ peace is specific to our situation, and is the hand that specifically tears down fear which is causing us to shut ourselves in.
but our well-being doesn’t stop with jesus coming inside and speaking peace to our hearts. our peace, our overcoming fear, involves action.
jesus tells them a second time, “peace be with you. as god the father is sending me so i am sending you.”
where was jesus sending his most devoted followers? out into the streets, with the people, who they were currently staying inside and locking their doors from.
i see two realities come from this moment:
the peace jesus gives is enough for our souls.
we as humans need to face our fear in order to fully overcome it.
the two are intertwined because we cannot fully know and experience jesus’ peace is enough unless we head towards that which is causing us fear.
we can kind of know, and kind of believe the peace jesus gives but until we actually experience the power of his peace working while we were in the middle of facing our fear we won’t fully appreciate it.
just like i can kind of know and believe floaties will keep me from drowning in a pool just by reading the instructions, or seeing other people use them, but i won’t fully appreciate their saving power until i jump in the deep end with them on.
for years i lived with depression and for those same years i was deathly afraid to talk about it. i believed jesus gave peace, and i even experienced some of that peace at work in my life while living with depression. but it wasn’t until i jumped off the ledge of comfort and silence and opened up about my depression did i fully experience his peace in that area of my life.
the peace jesus gives us while we’re hiding inside is what we need to take the step outside.
and outside to us can be anything. for me it was sharing my depression with one person. that was my first step outside. and as i continued to share my story with more people those were more steps i was taking.
i would have never taken that first step though without receiving the peace jesus gave while I was still depressed. that’s why i don’t think it’s a coincidence jesus is recorded as saying first, “peace be with you,” there being a pause, and then him saying again, “peace be with you…i’m sending you out.”
that pause in between jesus’ words is powerful too.
in between him saying those two lines jesus shows his scars.
jesus promises to give us a peace he himself desperately needed, and experienced.
the scars jesus showed his followers were the result of him being hung on a Roman death-row instrument. the scars jesus showed his followers were from him being nailed to a cross through his wrists and feet. the scars jesus showed his followers were from when they shoved a spear through his side up his body to confirm he was dead.
and before all of the wounds which led to these scars happened jesus knew it was coming and still went through with it.
jesus promises us a peace he knows will work because when he became human and faced his own fear, he experienced it working within his spirit.
jesus is real. and his peace is real. and i know at least for me that it is needed almost daily. from some fear as big as depression or some as small as meeting someone new (if you’re introverted like me this is also a pretty big thing tbh).
please know you don’t have to take that first step towards your fear without peace. but also take that first step! and know that while you are in the middle of facing your fear you don’t have to be without the peace jesus gives.
last thing.
how do we get this peace from jesus?
i believe it’s by just asking him.
you don’t have to go to a certain place or do a specific thing in order to get it from him. simply ask. just like Jesus knew that his followers were filled with fear AND he knew the thing causing their fear, he knows both of these with us too. talk to him, ask him, and hear him say specifically to you, “Peace be with you.”
update:
now i’m about to have a son. really soon. i’m going to be the dad to an actual living breathing human being.
it is awesome but also very scary if i’m going to be honest. there’s a lot of good i can do but also a lot i can screw up both intentionally and unintentionally.
so this post is speaking very directly to me as i publish this. and the peace jesus gives is something i am currently begging for.
i don’t have the option of taking the step or not into fatherhood, already did that, i’m going to have to move forward towards it no matter what.
and so right now i am listening for those words, “Peace be with you.”
Not even in the slightest. I don’t know if I bought a pack of seeds, put a tiny hole in some dirt, planted the seeds and watered them, if anything would grow.
Even in those planting steps I’m probably missing something.
Recently though seeds have become important to me. Not because I want to start planting, again, never been a passion of mine and never will be. They’ve become important to me because they’re excellent examples of decision making.
In life, successful people have been those willing to make decisions.
Solomon, the author of the book of Proverbs in the Bible emphasizes this when he says, “The prudent gives thought to his steps” (proverbs 14:15).
Just like when I plant a seed, in time a plant will be harvested, every decision I make sows seeds that will be reaped in the future.
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “whatever you sow, that you will also reap” - St. Paul.
Our future and our present are intimately connected.
This is why it’s important, more like mandatory, we think of our present circumstances and also our future ones when we make day to day decisions.
Intentionality is vital.
There are a lot of things out of our control, but I bet if we look back to our past we can see decisions we made that actually created or allowed these uncontrollable circumstances in our present.
IMMEDIATE DISCLAIMER: I realize this isn’t always the case. There are moments and actions that have taken place in our lives that weren’t in our control at all, yet have had monumental impact, both traumatic and harmful. This is NOT what I’m talking about. If you’ve been abused, attacked, insulted, persecuted, or discriminated against please know that is not your fault and most definitely not a result of decisions you’ve made.
Back to what I was originally saying.
Making decisions and owning the decisions we choose to make is something we need to get better at.
Me personally, I’ve made too many excuses.
Excuses allow me to push away ownership of consequences I’ve created. In the hope of dodging responsibility I will come up with a reason why something is not my fault.
The problem with excuses is they don’t allow me to move forward.
I can ignore problems and consequences after my excuses, but I haven’t solved them, the excuses automatically prevent me from doing so. I selfishly leave the results of my indecision or wrong decision for other people to deal with.
I prevent myself from learning and growing when I create excuses instead of taking responsibility. Most people I know who consistently make excuses to absolve themselves of responsibility, consistently create the same problems.
When I make excuses I’m a passenger in the same boat.
Owning my decisions hurts sometimes, especially when my decisions or actions have hurt other people. But the pain of responsibility is never greater than the peace that comes with learning how to prevent those hurtful decisions/actions for the future.
Every great Pioneer has been a woman or man of decision, choosing to put themselves in positions that led to their breakthroughs.
Each moment, a seed planted, waiting to harvest success.
Each failure, a seed planted, waiting to harvest growth.
Every day you and I have a handful of decisions to make Friend.
Seeds to plant.
We can make it through each day gripping our seeds tightly, refusing to plant them, refusing to make decisions for ourselves. Or, we can hold our hand open, plant seeds where we see strategic, making the decisions that will harvest good for us and others in our future.
Work a good job. Have a steady income. Plan financially for the future.
I’ve never bought into this thinking just because the majority of people adhere to it.
I’ve seen adults live dreamless, unfulfilling lives because they listened to their minds rationalize security instead of doing something meaningful. And it’s pushed me so far away from that type of life.
Sacrificing my dreams at the alter of a safe future? Never. That’s what I’ve always said. I would pride myself on not giving up my soul for security.
Then I graduated college.
Then I got married.
Then my wife became pregnant.
Now I have people who are intimately connected to me that I have to think about. It’s not just Zach at play here anymore.
So what do I do?
I don’t see myself ever going all in to living a safe life, but my financial future, my family’s financial future, now plays more minutes in my mind. It’s no longer on the bench.
And I’ve found myself diving into the deep end of financial freedom, seeking how to be wise with my money in order to prevent myself from irresponsibly ruining my family’s future.
But my faith hasn’t swam with me in these waters.
The shallow end was easy to swim in.
When I had no bills to pay and no humans I was responsible for giving as much of my love, affection, and focus as I humanly can.
I read Jesus’ teachings on money, and material possessions in general, and I see the swimmers and the water should be reversed. My money should swim with me in the deep end of faith.
This is tough because I cannot fail my wife and future child by being financially irresponsible, but I cannot fail God by giving away my faith in him just so I can have more room to put it in security and comfort.
I want my faith and trust to be wholly in who Jesus is and what he says. I want to follow him above everything else.
I also want wisdom on how to handle my finances. Wisdom that prevents catastrophic failure financially but also allows my heart the freedom to chase after the dreams and passions that cause it to beat.
This is the learning experience of becoming an adult I guess.
The battle that wages inside every human’s mind and heart once they’re in a certain spot in life.
death now became a tangible reality, and because of that reality death became a competitor.
after my mom’s death i felt like if i didn’t accomplish something great then my competitor would win.
i still feel this way.
every single day this competition haunts the depths of my soul.
most days feel like a race against the clock in order to achieve something substantial in this life.
this competition has driven me to my most depressed and hopeless states. it has given me an irrational feeling death was going to win any second.
and the truth is i don’t think i’ll feel any achievement is good enough. i don’t think i’ll ever feel i’m doing something that gives me the top spot over death.
i hate being in this competition. nothing brings greater pressure.
at times death drives me to work hard: to push and stretch myself so i can grow, so i can try new things. but this eventually leads to mental or emotional burn out.
what motivates us will be what sustains or deflates us, but i have felt no control over this competition with death. it’s my motivator by default.
like a gladiator in the arena, i have been battling death for ten years. and not once have i found solace in this competition.
i’ve worked for many different things. i’ve already achieved some, all in hopes of shutting up death’s taunting: telling me i’m not good enough, i’m not achieving anything meaningful, and, by far the worst one, i won’t be remembered.
but i believe that’s not all i have to focus on. i believe my competition with death doesn’t have to be something i’m stuck having to face the rest of my life.
i’ll never feel peace with anything i achieve on my own because any achievement produced on my own has threads of pride and selfishness intertwined in it’s DNA.
i want to follow God’s will for my life.
but in this desire to follow him comes the daily response of death asking me if doing what God wants will cause me to be remembered.
My dreams give me life. They give me energy. They give me excitement. They give me purpose. So much so that I don’t feel like I’m growing or progressing as a human unless I’m living out my dreams.
Our dreams, what we want to do, create, speak, be, etc., are visions in our imagination we want to bring into our physical world.
Dreams are the intangible becoming tangible.
Dreams are the reality in our imagination becoming reality in our physical world.
But throughout my life I’ve had times when my dreams felt completely absent.
I’ve had seasons that lasted for months where my dreams felt they couldn’t take any steps forward no matter how hard I tried. They felt paralyzed.
Have you ever experienced this?
Have you ever had times in your life where you felt like the dreams you wanted to accomplish were not happening at all? Maybe due to lack of imagination, circumstances, people, or all of the above.
In the Bible there is a story involving Jesus and a group of people that relates to paralyzed dreams.
In the second chapter of the book of Mark there is a group of four men who are carrying a paralyzed man to a building where Jesus is. They want to get to Jesus so that he can heal this man but, “many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even at the door” (vs.2).
Have there been moments where you’ve thought there was no room to accomplish your dream?
When these times occur, when our dreams seem paralyzed, we must still act. “And when they could not get near him [Jesus] because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralyzed man lay” (vs. 4).
The four men took action. They literally tore the part of the roof off the building in order to give this paralyzed man a chance to be healed.
I believe sometimes Jesus is waiting for us to show our faith before he acts. I don’t think it’s because he is being a jerk but instead he is giving us an opportunity to strengthen our faith, to show ourselves how real he is.
After the four men tear part of the roof off they lower their paralyzed friend down. Jesus now stops what he is doing and focuses his attention on the paralyzed man descending from the roof.
“And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “‘Your sins are forgiven’” (vs. 5).
Now this has nothing to do with the reason the four men brought the paralytic to Jesus in the first place. And every time I’ve read this I’ve been confused on why Jesus forgives the man’s sins first.
I think Jesus first addresses the man’s sins because no matter how big, passionate, and influential our dreams are, he always cares more about our soul.
The paralyzed man’s dream in the story was to be physically healed. But before Jesus deals with his physical limitation he talks about the condition of his soul.
Before we take one step in living out our dream Jesus wants our souls to be well. After spending the past couple years trying to make my dreams reality I’ve learned this is so needed.
Living out our dreams is stressful, tiring, burdening, and filled with pain and confusion. And if we get immersed in the dream and forget our souls we will just be in a constant state of emptiness, depression, and hurt. (Unfortunately, a lot of well-meaning dreamers live and lead from this state).
Jesus directly addresses this reality in another moment of his life when he asks, “What good is it for someone to gain the world and lose his own soul?” - Mark 8:36
Our souls were created to be satisfied by God alone, not our dreams.
Our dreams are important but our souls are always more important to God.
After Jesus forgives the paralyzed man’s sins he then addresses the man’s disease. “He [Jesus] said to the paralyzed man, ‘I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home’” (vs. 11).
I see three major keys (S/O DJ Khaled) in what Jesus said:
1. Our dreams will never be able to walk without God.
- By ourselves we can accomplish only so much but with God we can accomplish anything. The Bible says how God is able to do, “far more than we ask, think, or imagine” (ephesians 3:20), and that God, “works everything for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose” (romans 8:28). Just like this paralyzed man literally needed Jesus to heal him in order to walk, we need Jesus to be the one healing our dreams when they aren’t moving, and giving our dreams life when they seem dead. “The heart of man plans his way, but God establishes his steps” (proverbs 16:9).
2. God’s already telling us to start moving.
- Jesus’ first word to the paralyzed man was, rise. To a man who hasn’t been able to move in however long, possibly his entire life, Jesus tells him to get up. I believe some of you who are reading this need to hear that God is telling you to start moving with your dream. Start acting, start making things happen with it. The paralyzed man, at this moment, had two options. He could have not believed he was able to get up and stayed on the mat he’s been on possibly his whole life, or, he could believe Jesus had healed him, listen to Jesus, and physically get up. No matter how paralyzed your dreams feel, unable to move, hear that Jesus is saying for you to rise. Your dream is healed. You are able to live it out.
3. Nothing has to control our dream.
- After Jesus told the paralyzed man to get up he also told him to take his mat with him. Again, that mat was the thing he’s been laying on, the symbol of his limitation, for however many years. So when the man gets up and takes his mat, he is showing himself and others he is not bound to it anymore. Some of us are in a place where we’ve gotten off the mat and are starting to move, but we feel like we are still controlled by our mat. Our mat could be different things like: fear, addiction, doubts, insecurities, lack of money, inexperience, etc. If we don’t “pick up our mat” whenever we get up we will still think we belong back on it. That we belong in our fear, in our addiction, in our doubts, in our insecurities, in our financial limitations, in our inexperience, in our whatever. Our mats don’t control us; we control them.
Friend, if your dreams have been or are paralyzed right now please hear that they don’t have to be. Our dreams can walk. Our dreams need to walk because it is through our dreams this world will change.
“Son’s are a heritage from god, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” - psalm 127:35
Come February I’ll have a son.
A human being who will have my very DNA inside of him. A human being who will be flesh of my flesh. A human being who by the looks of the sonograph, already has my wide nose. Sorry buddy.
I can’t wait to meet my son.
It’s been awesome discovering Jenn and I were going to be parents. It’s been a joy seeing Jenn carry our child. It’s been exciting seeing our little man take shape and grow.
I already have so much love for my son.
I can’t imagine how it will be when I meet him in person. When I hold him. When I hug him and kiss him. When I watch him sleep. When I hear him laugh and cry. When I see him play.
I’m nervous to meet my son.
I’m confident I’m going to love my son but I’m nervous because I don’t know if I’ll be good at showing, proving, and communicating it.
Communicating my love is what makes me most nervous.
I struggle with communicating my intimate feelings with the people close to me. I don’t want to be this way as a dad.
I want my son to be used to hearing his dad be honest with emotions towards him, towards life in general. I want my son to know how much I love him, how proud I am of him, how much he makes my heart swell, how I tear up sometimes because I’m so thankful I’m going to be his dad.
I’m nervous I’ll only be able to write this and not say it to his face. Or be able to say it to him when he’s a kid but as he grows more into a man I stop. Stopping because I illogically feel he needs to stop focusing on emotions or I get too scared to continue verbalizing mine.
I desperately want to be the perfect dad. I know I won’t but I’m going to fight like hell to be. I will have no problem being annoying to my son because I’m too involved and too loving. I won’t care at all.
I pray I stay that way as a dad too. Of course I’ll let him be his own man but there will be no doubt in my son’s mind that his dad is alway there.
I’m going to have big dreams for my son, I pray I never live vicariously through him.
I’m going to have high expectations for my son, I pray I never see him as a disappointment.
No matter what he’s my son.
And that’s all he has to be. Nothing he does will disappoint. He will do things that hurt and stress me out but he will never be a disappointment. He will always be my son. A man after my own heart. Flesh of my flesh. And I will do whatever it takes for him to know and never forget this.
TO MY SON:
I love you.
I always will.
You are my son and I will always be your dad
I will always be present and involved in your life. I will be your greatest cheerleader, coach, teacher, disciplinarian. Whoever you need me to be I will strive to be the greatest for you.
Life will be inconsistent, I will be consistent.
Life will be hard, I will be a soft place for you to land.
Life will be confusing, I will work to bring clarity and meaning.
I’m here for you now and I’ll be here for you till I leave earth.
You will never disappoint me. You will never make me leave. You will never make me disengage. Nothing will, I owe it to you and your mom.
Speaking of your mom, you have the greatest one in the world. You and I both couldn’t get any luckier.
You’re my son. You’re my son. You’re my son.
This doesn’t express how I feel to the fullest, nothing I say or write will. Just know I love you. I adore you. I cherish you. I am so proud of you.
My son.
Thank you so much for reading this. If you enjoyed my writing and want to read more check out my new book, “En Route: Forging a Bright Future from a Dark Past,” right HERE.
When I was in high school my biggest fear was speaking in public. I absolutely hated it. The thought of standing in front of a group of people and demanding their attention on me for a minute, a few minutes, or longer made me sick.
I know I’m not the only one who hates speaking in public- based on the numbers you probably do too. We have this in common, nice to meet you I’m Zach.
Coinciding with my fear of public speaking was my dream to speak publicly. I know that doesn’t make sense but it was true. As much as I dreaded the thought of speaking to a group of people I badly wanted to speak to a group of people.
Growing up I would give speeches to my stuffed animals. I would line them all up on the bed, some would get chairs, some were lucky to afford front row seats, and I would lecture them about sports, God, music, relationships, life, whatever I was fascinated by at the time.
I would also study popular public speakers: comedians, sports anchors, pastors, and political leaders, to learn how to captivate and relate to an audience.
So, back to high school. During this time two great passions of mine were God and the bible, and I really wanted an opportunity to share this with a group of people. I wanted to preach. In a church.
But I still hated the idea of speaking publicly. It was still my biggest fear.
In my junior year I started taking a public speaking class at the local community college (Santa Fe College) led by professor Pat Breslin. I signed up for this class to see whether I was actually as good of a speaker as I thought I was, and to hopefully deal with my fear.
The class did affirm my passion for public speaking and it greatly helped me improve my ability. It did not teach me how to overcome my fear though.
I still had such a huge fear of public speaking during this class that I skipped a lot of class so that I could avoid being called on to give a speech.
One class, after I had skipped the previous two weeks, Professor Breslin stood in front of us and said today was the beginning of us giving speeches on teaching the class how to do something. And then he proceeded to start calling on people to execute.
I felt so sick. I was not prepared at all and now I ran the risk of having to give a speech teaching the class how to do something.
The students he called taught on a variety of things from how to build a brick wall to how to properly swing a golf club, one student even taught the class how to make a perfect PB&J. I really respect that guy and owe him a lot for that.
After a handful of students gave their speeches the next thing I hear from my professor’s mouth was, “Zach! It’s your turn.”
No. My fear of being called on met my biggest fear of speaking publicly and they made a fear sandwich not nearly as good as the PB&J the one student made.
I had no idea what to speak on.
In the minute it took me to get out of my chair and fearfully shuffle to the front I decided to teach the class on something that was authentically me in that moment. I was going to teach them to improvise.
Despite my fear and despite me not being prepared, the speech went really well. I didn’t look like a complete idiot.
That experience proved to me that fear wasn’t always telling me the truth.
I skipped those two weeks, and many classes before, because I believed the lies fear told me. The lies that I wasn’t a good speaker, that I didn’t captivate an audience, and that I wouldn’t think of anything to say.
My improv speech on improv was a huge milestone in me pursuing my dream to speak publicly.
Fast forward to present day Zach and I do feel comfortable speaking in front of audiences. I actually feel more comfortable speaking to a large group than I do speaking in small one. I was able to have many more opportunities to speak whether it was at other churches, youth groups, military events, school events, and leadership conferences. I still made mistakes, still had not so great of speeches, but through it all persevered and continued to pursue my dream.
I truly believe no matter what our dreams are we will face fear, doubt, and regrets many times on the journey.
Whether it was speaking publicly, playing basketball in college, starting a church in college, or marrying my best friend, all these dreams came with many fears, many doubts, and many regrets.
These thoughts, feelings, and experiences are normal.
If you’re doing something impactful there will be:
fear
doubt
regret
Fear of the unknown or the uncomfortable. Doubt in your ability or the effectiveness of the process. Regret over decisions you’ve made along the way.
I’ve experienced these a lot.
These thoughts, feelings, and experiences are obstacles on my path towards achieving my dream(s).
These things pull me back from going where I want to go.
Please, if you are experiencing this, or anything similar, do not feel like you’re the only one. And please do not believe you are wrong for it.
They come with the dream.
I don’t believe we have to let them stay though.
All of the negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences will have their place, but their place doesn’t have to be permanent.
How do we move past these obstacles though? How do we break the chains of these things that paralyze our movement?
You and I have to conquer them.
To conquer means to “overcome and take control of” - (dictionary.com)
Success requires conquering.
Achievement requires conquering.
Our dreams becoming reality requires conquering.
I’m not talking about conquering simply to give control back to that which we’ve conquered. No. I’m talking about a complete conquering of that which is in our way. The obstacle(s) in our path to the dreams we imagine. The goals we strive for.
In ancient military cultures, a soldier demonstrated complete conquering of an opponent by cutting off his head and raising it on a spear (http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-zimmerman-beheading-history-20140929-story.html).
That same conquering is required in your life and mine if we are to achieve anything meaningful.
What does this conquering look like?
I believe we conquer our fear, our doubts, and our regrets, when we use them as tools to learn.
I believe we conquer these things when we use them as weapons to attack the very same thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the future.
Because again, they will come. They don’t always have to have a place in our mind but they will always fight to have one.
And so this conquering of fear, doubt, and regret is simply us overcoming these obstacles when we first encounter them, and then learning how to more easily overcome them in the future.
This conquering is bloody though.
I mean imagine cutting off someone’s head and then raising it on a stick. That’s disgusting man.
But that’s what it takes in order to conquer our biggest fears, our loudest doubts, and our most painful regrets.
The greater the dream the greater these will be.
In the classic story of David and Goliath a small, young shepherd (David) kills a 9 foot giant (Goliath). It’s one of the greatest upsets in human history.
Most of us know this story, David uses a sling to throw a stone at the giant’s head, instantly killing him. What happens afterwards rarely gets told in little kid’s church classes.
“David ran and stood over him [Goliath]. He took hold of Goliath’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed Goliath, David cut off his head with the sword” (1 Samuel 17:51)
David cut off Goliath’s head…with Goliath’s own sword!
Our mind will try to attack us with fear, with doubt, and with regret, but we have to use these very weapons as our own to defeat them in the future.
Learn from your fear. Learn from your doubts. Learn from your regret.
Although some of the strongest soldiers the enemy can send have swung or are swinging their swords, and have struck you a few times, don’t back down.
Persevere.
Don’t quit.
Don’t give up.
Keep standing.
Keep fighting.
Cut the head off whatever is preventing you from taking the next step towards achieving your dream.
Don’t let fear take another breath.
Don’t let doubt take another breath.
Don’t let regret take another breath.
They don’t deserve to live.
Your dreams do.
Your imaginations becoming your reality do.
Your passions and pursuits do.
You do.
You matter and so do your dreams, Friend.
“We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.” - romans 5:4
i was five when I first thought to myself, “there has to be more to life than this.” In the backseat of my mom’s grey Jeep Grand Cherokee, coming home from school.
i was eleven when I realized I could do something special with my life if I worked hard enough. in the middle of the road outside my house where my hoop was, basketball in hand.
i was fourteen when I realized I was eventually going to die. in my living room with my Dad, brother, and sister-in-law all crying because my Mom lost her life the night before.
i was fifteen when I realized I didn’t want to live my life for me anymore. in my bedroom, on my knees, crying out to a God I just started believing in minutes earlier.
i was twenty-one when I believed I could change the world and make it a better place for people. In my dorm-room after fighting off years of self-doubt, fear, and insecurities
why am I writing this?
in all these moments my soul was the main actor. And in all of these moments my soul had a revelation.
most recently my soul has had a restlessness due to an intense desire to create a community here in Savannah, GA that loves, accepts, and empowers anybody and everybody.
mix this restlessness with an irrational stress of me constantly trying to better myself as a husband, friend, and leader.
but, after wrestling with this restlessness and personal stress my soul has had another revelation: humility is the source of all life within me.
believing God and people are better than me is where my heart finds rest, peace, and purpose.
this isn’t easy. our go to is pride. humility is contrary to our DNA.
“Men sometimes speak as if humility and meekness would rob us of what is noble and bold and humanlike. O that all would believe that this is the nobility of the kingdom of heaven, that this is the royal spirit that Jesus displayed, that this is godlike, to humble oneself, to become the servant of all!” - andrew murray
it takes more strength to stay humble than it does to give into pride.
pride is the greatest poison to any heart that seeks to love people and make a difference in others’ lives.
the more I focus on me, feeding my wants, the more I’m actually starving my soul.
humility is quieter than pride.
but humility is always stronger than it.
and what comes from humility has a greater effect on ourselves and our communities than what pride will ever be able to produce.
true humility births the desire to love and serve people simply because they deserve it. nothing more; nothing less. and we’d all easily have this humility if we truly believed people deserve to be loved and served simply because they’re human.
not because they’re the same race as us.
not because they’re the same gender as us.
not because they have the same jobs as us.
not because they’re the same political party as us.
not because they’re the same religion as us.
my dream is to see a community made of people striving to embrace humility.
my dream is to see leaders embracing humility.
my dream is to see myself embracing humility.
i wrote this a couple weeks ago and right now my heart is screaming even louder, “what can I get rid of in order to make more room for God and people?”
what am I doing that’s focused on me? what am I doing that’s solely seeking to better myself?
“get rid of it! It’s a waste,” my soul says.
because the more my own desires have a place in my heart the less room God has. the less room other people have. and I don’t want to waste my life diminishing the limited room I have in my heart for anything but God and others.
humility is powerful.
humility is freeing.
discovered in the secret place of time spent being honest with myself.
like a refreshing waterfall hidden in the wilderness is humility discovered amidst the many self-seeking desires of my heart.
i’m just going to be upfront, fear is a real thing in my life.
fear of abandonment.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of pain.
fear of judgment.
and plenty of other types. i’ve lived and still live with a lot.
The sluggard says, “There is a lion outside! I shall be killed in the streets!” - proverbs 22:13
in this verse the author of Proverbs, Solomon, is describing an excuse a lazy person makes in order to justify him/her not moving.
i’ve made the same statement this sluggard did quite a few times, but it wasn’t out of laziness.
fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
throughout my life fear has been like a lion, and many times i’ve let that lion prevent me from doing things i wanted or needed to do.
i’ve allowed the lion to be in the streets of my mind, and every second i’ve allowed the lion to be in the streets it’s stayed there. hasn’t moved.
fear always stays when we let it.
when we ignore it
sneak around it
run the opposite away
hide from it
the only way to get rid of fear is to run straight at it.
otherwise we’ll be enslaved to the same place our entire life: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” - Neale Donald Walsch
fear comes by approaching the uncomfortable. when we experience fear it’s because we’re approaching a place to grow.
you and i have been called to make a difference on this earth.
we’ve been called to be leaders.
we’ve been given life to help others.
we’ve been born to be great.
we cannot let our fear prevent us from becoming the best person we can be to help this world. too many lives are at stake for us to make that which is comfortable home.
“you know you’re maximizing your moments when the things you used to run from you run to.” - Carl Lentz
conquering fear has to become a habitual lifestyle in order for you and me to grow. our natural inclination is to run away but once we run at fear a few times it starts becoming easier to face.
the lion this sluggard is claiming is in the streets is simply a part of his imagination. we know this because he lives in an urban setting, a city. no lions are roaming the city streets freely.
similarly, the lions in our lives are always a mirage. they don’t exist.
the more we run at the mirage of fear we condition ourselves to see that mirage fading before we even have to face it. the lion will run away every time.
Friend, what are your fears?
what are the lions in your life?
what is preventing you from taking the risk you need to grow?
take heart, you and i never have to run at our fears alone. God is always with us, his spirit inside of us, and he has declared he will never leave us.
God is not ignorant or oblivious to fear and he’s not afraid to run at ours with us.
another name for Jesus is the Lion of Judah (Judah being the region he was from). unlike the mirage of a lion that fear produces, Jesus’s heart has the characteristics of a real lion: mighty, strong, and courageous.
Jesus faced insurmountable fear when he was about to get arrested, tortured, humiliated, falsely accused, and then hung on a Roman death instrument. he knew this was going to happen because this is why he came to earth. but Jesus knew running at his fear would benefit all of humanity, and so he went through with it. he ran at his lion.
and what’s on the other side of our fear is similar: an opportunity for us to grow, to mature, to learn.
to better lead
to better serve
to better love.
now i don’t know what fear is in your life, or the reasons for your different fears. i’m not going to try to make fear black and white because it’s not. the lion comes in the streets for different reasons and it comes in all different shapes and sizes.
and running at our fear is a lot harder said than done.
for years i couldn’t talk about my mom, literally could not talk, and could barely share my raw emotions at all.
for years i was afraid to talk about my depression because i feared i’d expose a major weakness in my life.
and now i still have a fear of failure. for things that i value deeply this fear makes me not even want to start trying to accomplish them because i’m afraid of the humiliation that could follow.
i’m still learning how to run at my lions, Friend.
i’m thankful for my wife and friends who are with me on this part of my journey. who love me, encourage me, speak truth to me, and remind of me of where i used to be. i need them. i’ll always need them.
our fears are real but together we can get our lions off the street. out of our mind.
together, we can run at them and watch them fade.
i’m here if you ever need me. i’ll always take the time to listen and talk.
God speaks to us in strange ways sometimes. I was sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee, reading, praying, searching for Jesus to chat with. The only other patrons in the shop were a couple across from me who were very obviously on a first date. I knew this because the volume of their conversation was way higher than generally socially acceptable for a coffee shop. Initially annoyed I selfishly thought about how much I wanted this couple to quiet down so I could focus on what I was doing and not feel like a very awkward third wheel. I wanted them to talk more softly so bad but unfortunately they just became louder as they grew more comfortable around each other. So - not necessarily by choice - I began to listen to their conversation.
As soon as I paid attention to those around me rather than myself I realized where Jesus had been this entire time. The woman was talking about her relationship with her Dad, and after she spoke just a few sentences God started to talk to me about himself: our father.
“We never knew each other, we were just two people who existed around each other.” - coffee shop lady talking about her relationship with her Dad.
I think this is how a lot of us would describe our relationship with God. Our Dad. We know he’s there, but we don’t know Him and more importantly we don’t think He knows us.
God can often get personified in the human image we have of fathers: the father who conceived us and whom we “existed around” for our entire lives; our earthly fathers.
Whether absent or present they build a mold for us that sets our expectations for what a father looks like and how they should be. High expectations, low expectations, whatever the case is, they are all earthly expectations determined by the standard of an earthly being.
These expectations are ones that fit inside of the fatherly bounds that our life experiences have shaped and created.
So when we then think about God we think of him in the context of this fatherly mold. We set boundaries and limits. We ask Him to do the seemingly impossible, but only believe he can operate within the mold we’ve created. We do this because that is the example that has been set for us.
In reality there are no limits to God, but limited faith can narrow our view of Him.
We can put a ceiling on how much of God’s love and abilities we choose to see and know are for us. God not only created us, but he created our fathers. There is no mold for him to follow because there is no father before him. He is the father of fathers. The creator of all.
We see the importance of the role our parents play in our lives when we look at the life of Jesus. God called Joseph to be Jesus’ earthly father. Even the son of Christ needed a Dad to guide him through his young life. Foster parents, adoptive parents, genetic parents.. Joseph proves to us how important they are.
Jesus’ life also shows us how God our father has come to love and care for and protect and guide and parent us - regardless if we have parents that are doing that or not.
To the people who do not have a dad physically and the ones who’s dads’ are physically present but emotionally and spiritually absent, “God is a Father to the fatherless” (psalm 68:5).
And God is a perfect Dad.
God is not AFRAID to call himself our Dad. He knows every responsibility the role demands and willingly takes the title.
God is not ANGRY towards us. His temper is not inconsistent or out of control.
God is not ASHAMED to call us his children. His heart is swollen with unconditional love, joy, hope, and protection.
What Zach and I love about God is he is personal. The Bible says he is, “jealous for our hearts,” meaning, he cares more about relationship with us than he does us simply following rules.
That’s him as a Dad. God cares more about relationship with us, talking with us, spending time with us, listening to us, than he does us doing what he says because he says so.
He is completely transparent; he isn’t trying to hide anything from us. All of the characteristics of God are described in the Bible and through it we get to know the personality, the character, the desires, the interests, and the dislikes of our Heavenly Dad.
For us this post is a reminder of how we want to be as future parents. Getting to know God as a parent will help us know how to interact with our future kids.
It’s crazy how much being a father (or parent in general) is a call to be like God. I mean we are always called to be like Him, but this is different and so much more powerful because it is for someone else.
Zach and I don’t think a lot of people feel called to be something for someone else until they enter parenthood.
We constantly address God as father, yet seem to miss the connection between ourselves as parents and the title as ours. The same thing you call God your kids will call you. If that’s not a sign we don’t know what is.
Ultimately we want this post to be a reminder to us that even though we will be imperfect parents we know the God who is a perfect one. The Dad who is loving, patient, involved, committed, generous, protective, and kind.
When I first heard about what happened I immediately felt a knot in my stomach. I always feel a little sick when a mass shooting happens but to know it was so close to where I grew up made it worse. In a way this was personal.
I grew up two hours away from Orlando and spent many weekends there, going to theme parks, visiting friends, and playing in basketball tournaments. I have friends who live there and who attend college there. Although I never lived in Orlando I made memories there. I shared experiences with family and friends. A part of who I am was formed there.
To the LGBTQ community in Orlando, I’m so sorry you had to experience this. You don’t deserve this. No one deserves this.
I am speaking this as a Christian but more importantly I’m speaking this as a fellow human being, and want to clarify there is no judgment. The only thing crying from my heart right now is love and acceptance. I empathize with you because I see you as fellow human beings, not as anything else. I’m sorry for the Christians who have chosen this time to express their condemnation and hate, and the Christians who have used this tragedy as an opportunity to promote political agendas. That’s not the heart of Jesus and that’s not the heart of people who truly follow him.
I honestly don’t know what else to say. Others have spoken and written amazing words. All I feel I can say is I love you. Orlando, you are loved. LGBTQ community, you are loved. The world is thinking about you and praying for you. You have experienced such an awful tragedy and have shown so much resilience and strength despite the pain and trauma.
Thank you for being an example of such great strength. Thank you for being an example of uniting to help people who are hurting. Thank you for being an example of love triumphing over hate. You have taught me a lot and you have taught the world how to react to such an unconscionable event.
For the past few years the core of my heart has been to be for people. To see the potential in people, to see the good in people, to passionately champion people. To love them.
For me, people were important simply because they were human. That’s it. Not important because of what they did but important because of who they were.
In August of 2015 I took over as Company Commander for my company at West Point. This job required me to lead 110+ people for about 6 months. I enjoyed leading H1 during that semester. It was a great learning experience and opportunity, but my heart changed during my time in the position.
This change of heart wasn’t drastic, it was a slight shift in direction, but over time I started drifting farther away from my core. Instead of valuing people I valued the mission of the organization.
During my time as Company Commander I made everything about the success of the company. This is not a bad thing, I genuinely wanted to see my company succeed, but I gave up my heart in the process. I stopped viewing people as people and started viewing them as a means to accomplish a mission.
This change in my heart remained when I started a church this February. It was my dream for years to start a church and the opportunities came to start one at West Point. It’s ironic because I wanted to start a church to make people feel loved and accepted, yet as I started to build the church the focus became less on the people and more on the building.
It’s tough to admit this to myself. It’s tough to admit that I let the pursuit of having a successful company and starting a church change my heart from deeply valuing people for who they are.
As my heart shifted away from people towards my company and church, it started to lose life. I grew extremely bitter. I was constantly stressed. The worst change was I started to lose my hope for people and trust in them. My vision became blurred with cynicism.
In the Bible one of the authors tells a story of Jesus. In this story Jesus is at one of his friend’s home relaxing in the living room. chatting. His friend, Martha, is working tirelessly to get the house in order and make sure everything is good. Her sister Mary is doing the opposite. Mary is simply sitting with Jesus, listening to him talk. Martha gets frustrated at Mary doing nothing and vents her frustration to Jesus. Martha asks Jesus, “Don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” Jesus calmly replies, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the good portion” (Luke 10:38-42). In this story Martha is focusing on the house; Mary is focusing on the person.
This story has been really powerful to me because in it Jesus shows where my heart’s focus needs to be on, and how to make it so. I believe Jesus’ point to Martha can apply to people in general.
People are more important than tasks.
People are more important than dreams.
People are more important than accomplishing missions.
People are more important than success.
This past year I have been Martha. I have focused on the “house” whether it was my company or my church to the point I started ignoring the people who the “houses” were for.
Things are meant to promote and foster the success of people, not the other way around.
I want my heart to be focused on people. I want to unconditionally and consistently love others.
This post is a little reflection on my heart’s journey this past year. Going from making my life about people to caring only about the success of my company, to caring only about the building of my church, to realizing how empty my heart truly has been.
I’m not trying to become popular. I don’t want to be known by a lot of people. If it happens it happens, but my heart is to help the hurting person who knows me, or who I walk past in public, or reaches out to me in public. This past year I stopped doing that and I hate myself for it. That is never who I wanted to become.
I’m heading back. Back to making my life about people. Back to seeking the good in everyone. Back to cherishing what others bring to life.
I’m heading back to the good portion: being with Jesus. Loving people.
I am constantly thinking about the future. Picturing the future. Seeking to create the future.
I am constantly trying to take the future I see and fit it into my present: present circumstances, place, and relationships.
Because I see a future, and am trying to make that future relate to my present, I am constantly working to make this happen.
I am in a constant state of being unsatisfied because my present doesn’t match the future I imagine, and it most likely never will.
The future I imagine is extremely idealistic. I’m not going to sell it short. My dream is for the betterment of others too, not myself, and people change, life happens, so I have to constantly adjust my dream.
My dream is to build communities where communities do not currently exist. Communities of people who illuminate the dreams, passions, and talents that are hidden in each other and fuel what’s already kindled.
“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities.” – Gloria Steinem
I have two specific thoughts on dreaming that I’ve learned from experience. They are actually two myths that people believe when it comes to dreaming:
DREAMS JUST APPEAR.
For the people who have had big dreams, and have followed those dreams, their dreams were formed from the experiences they had in their life, the successes and the failures, the joys and the trials. They reflected on their experiences and learned from them.
When we go from one dream to another we are wasting time. Time that’s precious. Time we don’t have to waste. A dream is merely a dream, a fantasy, until you create steps to make the dream happen, then it becomes a goal. Instead of spending time going from one dream to another, spend time finding that one dream you believe will make a difference in this world, and then spend the time to mature it, sharpen it, and make it most applicable to your life.
I CAN DREAM ABOUT ANYTHING.
You can but should you? I can dream about becoming a millionaire but I have no internal desire to do that. I’m wasting my time if I entertain that dream or follow it. Your dream must follow your passion. I don’t believe things like money, experience, or the words of other people should stop us from following our dream. I do believe an absence or lack of passion should.
It has taken me years to discover my dream. The principle that has been the core to form my dream has been the question: where in the world is there a need? I want to spend my life seeking to fulfill or eliminate that need. This core was birthed at age 14 and has grown as I’ve grown. It started out as a desire to help because that was what I was taught but as I grow older I’m starting to see, I’m seeing that I choose whether to fight against the evils in this world, or ignore them. It’s impossible to be blind.
Continue to dream, Friend. Don’t stop! Don’t let anything or anyone get in the way of your dream.
Do be intentional about your dream. Do keep faith and hope alive in your dream. Do work hard at maturing your dream. Do take the time to discover yourself and how your dream fits with your life.
Do continue to bring your future into your present and pursue that future with all abandon!
“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.” – T.E. Lawrence
I’ve had the dream to start a church since I was 14. As I’ve grown older that dream has become more refined, now the dream is to create communities where communities do not currently exist. Communities of people who love, embrace, encourage, and challenge each other as they journey through life. In the beginning of this year I had the opportunity to make my dream a reality by starting PioneerWP. I was finally living out what I felt called to do, but with this move came painful responses from people.
When I started living out my dream, when I revealed my dream and started pursuing it, that’s when the arrows started flying. People have taken my words out of context, people have spread lies and rumors, people have limited me, people have doubted, and people have discredited me and what I’m pursuing.
I don’t relate to some people but just because I don’t relate doesn’t mean I don’t respect or care for you. Just because I’m pursuing something in life with all I have, giving my time, money, energy, prayer, and focus doesn’t mean I don’t like you. I’m not purposely ignoring you. I’m just busy working on something I’m passionate about. The people I relate to are the people who are moving not watching, who are running not walking, who are sharpening not tearing down. I will take critique from people who know me and know my heart; I refuse to take criticism from people who might see me from a distance but not know me personally.
I look at my age, I look at my abilities, I look at my circumstances, I look at my past, and I look at my resources, none of these prevent me from pursuing the dream God has given me because my limitations don’t mean anything to my God who shatters limitations. The God who shatters limitations, this is not a cute saying to make me feel good and give me false hope, no, this comes from years of constantly overcoming what I shouldn’t overcome: depression upon depression, doubt upon doubt, failure upon failure, pain upon pain. I’ve been through so much and through it all God has always worked.
Arrows
The arrows hurt. Whatever shield I put up ends up wearing down after time. My energy to dodge the arrows evaporates. I am left exposed and unable to stop the arrows from piercing through my flesh and hitting my heart. The arrows hit my love for God, my love for my Fiancée, and my love for people. The arrows hit my dreams. The arrows hit my confidence. The arrows hurt.
For the record: I will confess all my sin to whoever talks with me personally. I’m not afraid to talk about my failures and mistakes, I take ownership of them, so it blows my mind when people decide to personally attack me and try to expose me.
The only place I know to go from here is to the arms of Jesus. I believe he will heal my pierced heart. I need him to. To the people who have encouraged me, thank you. To the people who have listened to me, thank you. To the people who have sought to understand me, thank you. To the people who know my heart and have offered wise correction, thank you. I love you. Your support and love have stopped the bleeding.
I’m depleted of passion and energy. I’m questioning the cost of following my dream when it has put me in a place to be shot at. Is it worth it when people I respected are the ones shooting without taking the time to know me? I’ve been asking that a lot. I’d rather the wounds be caused by daggers because then the people would have to get close to me, instead, they choose the weapon that gives them plenty of distance.
People possess an unbelievable amount of hidden talents. Within each of us are undiscovered passions. Ultimately, these talents and passions paint the picture of our purpose: why we are here and what we are supposed to do.
I truly believe every human has a why to their existence. The why is what inspires us to thrive instead of just survive, to live instead of simply exist. Have you ever thought about your why? What in your life brings a reason for living each moment of each day?
My why is to create life where it doesn’t exist. Life filled with love and hope. From something as simple as creating a smile on someone’s face to something as complicated as creating tangible communities in various places throughout the world. These are actions that are born from the why that burns in my heart.
People possess intangible and tangible skills that help them pursue their dreams. Skills that help them execute their passions.
If you and I pause and think about our lives I bet we will both discover we are great at something. One thing at least. There is not one person who is not great at at least one thing. Where does your greatness lie? What is/are the thing(s) that you are great at? If you can’t find anything it’s not because you aren’t great, you just haven’t found what it is, yet. I promise you it’s there!
The heart of Pioneering, whether it’s my personal heart or the heart of the Pioneer communities being created, is to affirm the dreams and build the skills people already possess; add fuel to the fire that already burns inside the hearts of every person on this planet by empowering them to be who they are.
We are all agents of impact and change. You are a leader and I am a leader. We have the ability to set the course: discovering the new; growing what exists.
