Block 10 starts tomorrow and it’s supposedly the hardest block of the program. I am definitely soooo nervous because of course I want to do well and pass, but I also want to be able to take that week break and go home since I really miss my family.
My mom was diagnosed with uterine/cervical cancer in 2015. The doctors caught in early; we found out in early July 2015 and it wasn’t even considered staged yet. She got surgery on the 6th where the doctor removed some of the effected lymph nodes, and she went home the day after. She went through chemo therapy once and was okay, and by the second time she couldn’t proceed with it because she was allergic to the chemo. But the doctors said it was okay because initially they didn’t want her to go through chemo in the first place. I remember after her first round of chemo she was so weak. She couldn’t get out of bed, she was nauseous and threw up often. She barely ate, and I had to help her get out of bed, bring her to the restroom, help her lower herself onto the toilet and help her get off the toilet, walk her back to her bed, and helped her get back into bed. I bought her jamba juice so many times because that was the only thing she could tolerate. She lost her hair, and had to wear chemo caps and at one point her and my dad decided to just shave it all off because it wasn’t falling out evenly. It took awhile to grow back, but her hair texture did change afterwards. My mom went through radiation, and she stayed strong throughout the whole process. She was in remission for almost a year, and that’s when I decided to go to nursing school in Vegas. Everything was good, I was excited to start school and learn how to be independent. I was excited to make my parents proud and be able to afford to take them on vacations and buy them things that they’ve always wanted but never really bought because they sacrificed to get me and my brother through college. Life was good, I even went home for the holidays
January 2017, my brother was going on a brotherhood retreat in Tahoe and my mom went to the hospital. They didn’t want to tell me. She had been coughing and her chest was hurting; they did lab work and her blood count was low so her doctor told her to go straight to the ER. She received 2 blood transfusions, and they did a rib biopsy because they found 2 rib lesions. At this point I was back in Vegas going through my clinical rotation and couldn’t go home. My mom called me on a Friday after waiting for the biopsy results for 2 weeks while I was with my boyfriend’s sister visiting him at work when she told me the news. It was Multiple Myeloma.
Now, I’m a nursing student, but I didn’t know what that was so I was trying to keep calm. I don’t remember how the conversation went, but I remember looking up what Multiple Myeloma is and finding out what it was.....cancer. Cancer of the plasma of the white blood cells that could lead to a low RBC count. It made sense, that’s why her blood count was low. I kept looking to see if it was curable, it’s not. It’s treatable. I checked to see the survival rate. Depending on the stage it could be a few weeks to several years.
At that point I couldn’t breathe. My mom, the woman who worked her ass off to give us everything, the woman who hosted any relative without a complaint, the woman who is so humble, and so loving.... had cancer again and this time.... she could die from it. The doctors never gave us the stage, but I studied with my classmates the next day and they knew something was up. I told them what was going on, and I cried because I didn’t know when I’d be able to go home and be with her. I told them that she might not even be able to make it to our pinning ceremony in February because of whatever treatment she would need. How could she sit in an airplane to Vegas, go to a hotel in Vegas, or even sit in a room to watch her daughter walk a stage when her immune system would be down and millions of people come through this city all the time? I couldn’t concentrate on what we were studying but I have awesome classmates and they pitched in to buy me a ticket home, all I had to do was buy a ticket back to Vegas to make it to our exam the next week. So I went home. And I brought my mom to her doctors appointments to know what was going on. I went back to Vegas to take my test, and I have no idea how I passed but God definitely had my back.
I went home again in April, for the whole month where I brought my mom everyone of her doctors appointments and sat through them explaining what was going on. I watched as my mom received her chemo shots, a bone marrow biopsy, and IV medications to help strengthen her bones. I was home for a month and dreaded having to come back to Vegas cuz I’d be away from my family again.
I saw how this whole thing affected my brother and my dad. My brother distracted himself, and so did my dad. Last week I got a text from my brother telling me to call mom. I got so scared and demanded he tell me what was going on. He told me mom was feeling abandoned by my dad because he would never bring her out and she stayed at home. I told my brother to talk to my dad and I called my mom and told her to talk to my dad and let him know how she feels. My brother called me after and told me that my dad told him that he was feeling depressed because of what was going on with my mom; he felt helpless.
Now...how can I be here? I feel like I’ve abandoned my family just to pursue my studies. My brother is going to culinary school come September, and it’ll just be mom and dad at home until I come home in April. Dad’s the only one who works right now, and my mom says she’s going to go back to work. How can she? I don’t want to be the one to break it to her that this cancer, this disease is.... uncurable, only treatable. I’ve read articles of people who have been in remission for 20+ years because of all these medical advances. I can only hope it’s the same for my mom.
I’m so thankful for the friends who have been praying for her. I’m thankful for my boyfriends parents who dedicated 2,000 Hail Marys for her. I’m thankful for the masses that have been lifted up for her.
She went to the Philippines in March. She needs to live her life as much as she can before..... you know. I just can’t find it in myself to say those words. But she’s doing okay, from what I know. She’s okay, she’s still strong. She’s so strong. I just wish I could be home and be there every step of the way. I can only pray and lift everything up to God. I want her to see her kids get married, I want her to be able to meet her future grandchildren. I want her to live. I want my dad to be the husband that she deserves. I want to be the daughter that she deserves.
So sorry if I don’t hang out, or if I choose to stay home. I’m sorry if I’m not as social as I used to be because I’ve found out that there’s more to life than all of that. I came here for school so I’m gonna make sure I do well, especially for my mom. I love her so much, and I can’t imagine my life without her.
If you see this, if you read this, if you’ve stuck around this long please keep her in your prayers. Keep my dad in your prayers. Keep my brother in your prayers. And if you don’t believe in God, just send them some positive thoughts and vibes. It’s been 7 months since she’s been diagnosed, but this is a never ending struggle.
Mama Mary, please pray for her.
St Peregrine, please pray for her.
All the Holy Angels and Saints, please pray for her, my dad and my brother.
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