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This blog is my unfiltered personal journal and safe space, I do see the problems with that, but I don’t think it’s a real issue.

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I’m gonna shave my face and buzz my hair on Friday before the IVE concert on Sunday, gonna try to look cute for that concert

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It’s not metal and leather but I really like my new greige case, the embroidery caught my eye

Also I really like horses

The design reminds me of red dead redemption, I only played that game once in 2010 but I really loved it and the horseback riding

I also loved the horses in phantom pain and assassins creed origins

I’m not gonna play red dead 2, it looks really good but I hate shoot em up’s, games where you’re shooting hundreds of guys at once are just boring to me

Games with endless violence just bore me

My 3 horse games are very special to me in different ways

I don’t remember much from red dead 1 and I don’t remember exactly what made it so special but what I do remember is the music that played when you went to Mexico and I remember the Mexican town was beautiful and extremely hilly, also the ending of the game made me not wanna play it again, basically the main character dies and his son becomes the new protagonist, there’s no more objectives but you can finish up any random encounters

Phantom pain was a major obsession between 2019-2024, I made my horse black because it felt more stealthy, the Afghanistan and Africa maps aren’t as big as I prefer but they were well designed and had a lot of variation in landscape and scenery

I really really don’t enjoy the gameplay of assassins creed origins but the map is fully explorable in the ancient Egypt discovery tour, earlier this year I spent a lot of time with a greenish beige horse in this tour, I fondly remember traversing the deserts, the scenery was beautiful, I also enjoyed exploring the cities, the Egyptian architecture was beautiful and I enjoyed taking the tours to learn about things like linen or the design of an average house in cleopatra’s time

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I love the colour greige

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I can’t promise compatibility but I can promise accommodation and loyalty

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Love and companionship is the most existential thing to me

It’s everything

My life revolves around it

It’s the most meaningful thing in my life

I’d change my life for love

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Max volume

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I had a bunch of unused space here and some small islands nearby so I decided to put a hotel in the free space and a tiny neighbourhood on the small islands

I didn’t like the buildings surrounding the hotel so I changed it into a basic forest with some paths

There’s two small islands, the main island has a beach and a camping park

This is another park I created, it’s not done, I just don’t know what to do with it, how to make it look aesthetically pleasing, I just wanted to fill the open spaces with circular paths but it needs some work

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I wanna be sober for the rest of my life, no alcohol, no weed, no nicotine.

I just know I’ll feel better when I’m completely clean.

But in reality sobriety is very hard for me.

I get so bored and annoyed and restless and desperate

I started all of this after high school

When I was in high school I actively stayed away from intoxicants

Whatever

Yesterday I just kept drinking

I felt ungood

Not bad but just not good

Like I needed a sustained and meaningful rush

But it’s just boring

Just getting drunk

Nothing to do

Nobody to talk to

Just wasting time

Idk this is just making me feel more miserable lmao

I want resolution

I wanna feel resolved

I need to reflect

I wanna wanna write

I wanna wanna paint

I need some product to look at

A product of my labor

My self worth is low

It’s ok, not bad

I’m just tired and jaded

Also I’m outraged that I can’t stop thinking about someone

It’s been so many years

I should get over it, move on, get better

Make something else

Think about something else

Focus on something else

There’s something wrong with me

My attachment style is something bad

I should finish the values activity my psychologist gave me

Do I know myself

Sometimes I don’t

I think of myself as a very uncompetitive person but sometimes people challenge me and I just have to win

When I was very young, I wasn’t good at anything

I was actually usually the worst performing kid in every class

So I got acquainted with the identity of being a loser

Sometimes I did well

Better than all the other kids

Like, I was always good at odd things

Dodge ball, badminton, geometry, design, writing (but not spelling), woodwork

Anyways I don’t feel like finishing this thought because I’m feeling self conscious for a reason I don’t really wanna explore rn.

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I like having a crush, life is fucking boring

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Today I’m thinking about that girl that stood by my seat on the bus yesterday. Her hair was all up in my face. It smelled nice. Later when I was standing in line for my next bus she was standing nearby and I got to see her face a few times. She seemed like a high functioning sharp girl. I think she was Indian, but a more modern Indian. She’s out of my league. I just know I wouldn’t be able to adhere to her standards, she’d probably pity me and friend zone me. Idk, probably thinking too much about this. There’s so many gorgeous brown girls in my city nowadays, they’re like unicorns.

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I’m so sad for no reason in particular

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I bought vodka

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I bought a phone case on a whim

Today is my psychologist meeting

I’m just waiting in the lobby because the meeting is half an hour away

I feel so groggy today

Tbh it’s probably the excess weed smoking the past 2 weeks

I’m almost done my weed so I think I’ll quit tomorrow

I’m scared of sobriety

A part of me wants to buy a bottle of vodka before my weed ends but I know that’s a bad idea

Anyways I went to the mall because I got to the psychologist office an hour early

Not hungry so didn’t eat anything

But I went to 2 stores

A store called international that sells men’s clothes, I think it’s Canadian, they had dozens of cool Hawaiian shirts that I wanted to buy

This iPhone case also caught my eye at the smartphone accessories store

I’ve been meaning to buy a new case for my iPhone, I was thinking brown leather but this off white with a fabric design is much more interesting

I also just like off white very much

I love the colour of those old 90s computers

[belmasworld]

[segamascott]

there is other things too there's zoo tycoon

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