Goodbye for now
I search through the albums, to find THE photo that captures you.
Your stubbornness, your steadfastness, your silence.
Your wrinkles, your combed white hair, your skin that borders on being waxy.
Your refusal to let age stop you from walking, the eventual resignation when your spirit broke. The sparks of life when we visited, that faded as we left.
But the photo doesn’t exist, no matter how many screens I’ve swiped. The photo never taken, because we thought there was time. The smile never captured, because we forgot about your pride against dentures.
Eventually your wrinkles might fade, your features less defined. Your silence easier recalled than your words. References to you change from “stays” to “stayed”, “likes” to “liked”. The tears no longer fall as easily, replaced by little sighs.
It gets easier to say “was” instead of “is”.
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Thank you Ah Gong for your quiet gestures of love. For giving me money for studies (which I later learnt was the first occurrence ever in the family). For not asking more of me, when you knew I could.
And I’m sorry, for not spending more time with you when I could. Till the next time we meet, I trust you’ll be running free with your puppy, smiling at Ah Ma with your full set of teeth, and enjoying all the meats and vegetables you’ve missed the past few years.