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tldr of my last post

It’s been a very long time since I’ve been on here and I find myself feeling a lot of feelings about it. Going back in the archives (like, way, way back) always does that - I was such a little shit, so cringe, so desperate for all the things in life to happen to me asap, racing toward some finish line I’d constructed out of thin air where I’d finally feel cool or interesting or at the very least not hate myself and burn with unbearable uncertainty. I read some of those early posts and burn anew and realize I’ve completely forgotten how awful that felt and how scared I was at that age. How I was constantly brimming over with the big feelings. How, as the years went by, I did ultimately seal off parts of myself to avoid that, and to avoid having to clean up the mess. I don’t know if those parts exist anymore.

On the other hand, I’m happy to report that I don’t hate myself, and trying so hard to be cool and interesting is actually very boring to me now. I am not wild the way I once was, wild like in high school, staying up all night writing, or even wild like my 20’s, where I had so much zest and untapped emotion that it would occasionally derail my entire life. Am I less mentally ill, or did I just become a boring adult? The distinction doesn’t honestly make much of a difference to me because in a lot of ways, I feel very happy. And who am I to question that, when I did genuinely suffer for so long? When I never thought I’d make it this far in a lot of ways?

Anyway, digging up the grave another time and reflecting on all of this has left me with things to think about. I feel a lot for people in my past. People who I don’t necessarily want to see or speak to again, but who I love all the same, just as I did when I was 16 and saw the best in everyone (though I’d never have admitted it), or 20 and embarrassingly, openly longing to have the best seen in me. I feel compassion and empathy for those versions of myself as I wonder if they still exist. If they can be recovered. If I even want to.

theweirdwideweb

callmeonmyrazr

lindsay lohan taking photos of the paparazzi with a disposable camera, 2004 📸

mossbawn

“The first feminist gesture is to say: “OK, they're looking at me. But I'm looking at them.” The act of deciding to look, of deciding that the world is not defined by how people see me, but how I see them.” ― Agnès Varda

jacayls-deactivated20240405

april moodboard

liones-s

one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become

#I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again #me in marathon training during every single run I go on

thinking about the little nickname my ex from a decade ago used to call me like wow. I have been loved. I’ll be loved again. It’s nice to think about. And I have so much loving left to do too :)

#randomly deciding to be so earnest here #just go with it

the flowers are starting to bloom again and I’m suddenly like “wait… love isn’t dead???”

samuelroukin

i need to press that man like a flower. get in the book boy

no one asked but love is blind makes me dangerously nostalgic for my long distance pandemic ex who I fell in love with over the phone and hadn’t seen in person in years.