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My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. No fear, no hurt and no worries. I may come from a broken and twisted place but I will build something whole and safe.

sa-dnesss

“What scares me the most is how much I think of suicide, and how I never talk about it.”

—

wishing-for-deathx

Ever been so sad and broken that you can’t move. So you just sit there, frozen, paralyzed by your pain and suffer. Because that’s all you can do.

sa-dnesss

“You know things are getting bad when you spend all day in bed again and don’t want to leave your room. Your room is slowly becoming a mess. Losing interest in everything that used to make you happy, or distract you. Only eating one meal a day seems normal. Ending it all starts crossing your mind once again.”

— falling back into old habits

sa-dnesss

“I was 12 thinking about killing myself. I am 21, still thinking about killing myself.”

—

wishing-for-deathx

Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.