Four months plus summer? That’s a long time to go without seeing each other. I’m crazy about you, but even I’d be a fool to think nothing will change in those 4 months. I worry most about losing you to apathy… What if I lose the will to send you good night and good morning texts? Jealousy could do that to me…
Everyone says we’re so mature for how we’re going about this break. I don’t feel mature. I feel like a dumbass for giving my dream girl a potential opportunity out of my life.
The tricky thing about relationships is that they can never truly be one sided, yet they can be dictated according to one person’s wishes. I willed you into this relationship. You’ve found a break from it. And now I subconsciously want you to will us back together, so I know this notebook isn’t just me bouncing my feelings against a wall.
But I know you won’t do that. You’re too fickle, too indecisive. These words might remind you of the strength of what we had when you left, but these words alone won’t cause you to act. You’re still attached to the idea of being single in college, even if you’re equally attached to those memories of what we had.
I say what we had in the past tense because, 4 months from now, we won’t have it anymore. There may be a spark left, but our flame has died down to an ember. You’re going to see me for the first time expecting everything to come rushing back immediately - but it may not. It may even be awkward initially. But I swear to God, with every ounce of passion I still have in the wake of your departure, our love is worth fighting for. And if I tell you I don’t see it anymore, make me see it.
Every other girl I’ve been with has been tainted by my doubt. I’ll go backwards from you: Abby was too cold, and impossible for me to communicate with healthily. Randi was batshit crazy and left me with trust issues. Ellery was a sweet girl who I only led on because I didn’t feel a spark with her. Shelby was too simple and promiscuous. Hannah… I didn’t even really know Hannah, I just wanted a relationship. Izzie was shallow, and my emotions for her were limited to periodic infatuation. Emily was crazy and impulsive. And Holly… well, Holly was probably actually a catch, but I dated her in fourth and fifth grade and dumped her like a douche.
The point is that I can’t see a single thing I would want to change about you. There are things I would like you to do more, like text me when you’re abroad, or go on hikes and exercise with me. There are also things I’d like to do less, like talk about how attractive other guys are. But these are all just minor things you do: there is no facet of your personality I don’t love. Even the anti-PDA side of your personality has endeared itself to me, so long as I know you love me.
This package of personality traits is worth waiting for, and worth fighting for. And yes, my physical attraction to you helps in our relationship, but I’m physically attracted to plenty of ugly girls (in that they’re ugly on the inside, if that wasn’t clear). You’re special.
If you’ve read this far and haven’t called or texted me to get back together yet, please text me and tell me why. We’re so good together when we’re settled in with each other, and our future still has so much potential. But I want our relationship back on track as soon as possible. You told me the day you left that being single in college was the plan all along, but I pressured you into a relationship and you were so happy I did. Do you still feel that way? Do you at least remember why you felt that way?
Hey, however this relationship pans out, know you’ve been a huge part of my life and I will never forget about you. I wish you nothing but health, happiness and success. But I worry about your health too often, especially lately.
I assume this page falls under “tough love,” because you hate it every time I bring it up, but your health is going to suffer if you continue to function as you have thus far in college, and that stresses me out. I want you to live a really long time, so please be responsive to this.
You go out drinking more often than you exercise, by a large margin. You can blame the college lifestyle, but most of the partiers I know are also gym rats. If you continue to drink (and get drunk food) without balancing it out with exercise, you’re going to have serious health problems down the line. Please work out with me, whether we’re together or not.
I know I just pissed you off, but understand I’m saying this completely out of love for you. I swear this is the only time I’ll bring this up in your notebook, so you can keep reading without worry. Just please workout with me - it will improve your physical, mental and emotional state of being.