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What should I do? Like I don’t know if that’s the right question but like.... Is there any way to cope with this?? Are all men really like that? Can I really trust them? Should I just like not become close to any men? Help lol

Sorry I haven’t been on tumblr so I just got this!!!! Honestly I kinda feel the same????? I just don’t really talk to guys at all now... like I used to have more guy friends than I did girls and they r super selfish!!! I don’t talk to any of them now and I only speak to one guy I know bc he’s super super nice and respectful about women! Really u just gotta keep your eye out for the nice ones but they seem to be a rare breed LOL!!! I honestly do think men think differently from women and my mum often says the same and in my opinion I’d rather be alone than spend any of my time on the bullshit that shitty men bring to ur life, I wait til I’m sure the guy is nice and even if u put your trust in a guy and he turns out to be a dick, then don’t waste any time in kicking him to the curb!!!

tysurvivors

PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THIS and read through !! + reblog / share this.. thank you !

This is to all my asian fams out there who are suffering a great deal of trauma and abuse.

Asian parents, according to the stereotypes, are extremely strict and I totally 110% agree with it. They give no fucks about your feelings and they will do whatever it takes to get your ass studying. They will do whatever it takes to get you an A. Disappointments arise when you get a simple “B”. They complain. They yell. They abuse you in ways you can’t even comprehend. It’s fucked up and ridiculous.

There was once a girl.. I believe.. in my community who called upon the police because she got beaten up by her parents. EVEN IF IT WAS MINOR bitch, I fucking praise her. I live for her. Everyone including my parents despised her and this is what they said.

“She’s killing her parents.” “How could she?” “Her parents work so hard for her and yet her parents are going to jail.” “The parents didn’t even do anything to her.” “It’s normal.”

Bitch, what? It’s normal? It’s normal for parents to beat up a child? It’s normal? Yes. “It’s normal.”

No one knows what happens behind closed doors. No one cares because it’s not them. It’s not their business, but I do because I understand how hard it is to be a child of a “non-abusive” parent. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. “Non-abusive” my ass.

I actually, again, never ever heard or seen other parents similar to mine and I’m not even sure if I should share this….? because it’s so fucking sensitive, but I mean here I am, so please please share this because I really, desperately, want to hear anon or not if people really do experience these things. It’s very serious and I loathe this feelings.

It’s a stereotype that I always hear all the time. My parents expect me to get As. My parents are going to kill me, but I never hear stories about it. Having parents like these really discourages me and hurt me to no end.

I get guilt-tripped more than I realize. I am expected to more than I can handle. I still do it anyways because I “love” my parents. No, I don’t really love them, it’s more like I crave the feeling of being loved. I am not being cared for because “mental disorders” don’t exist in my family. Male gender is dominant above all else. I have to hide my period stains and I have to hide the fact that I am a woman. I must act weak and I must respect my parents even if they’re always wrong. I can’t explain things because I’m a “child”. I am not smart enough because my parents “have more experience” or “just knows”. It’s frustrating to be living in an environment where education is so competitive. I don’t want to study anything academic wise in the future. I rather seek a future of just art.

There are so many rules. I can’t go out with my friends because I’m a “female”. I can’t take on a position because I’m a “female”. I’m expected to hit high grades, do well in sports, get first place in everything, know everything, and yet do nothing. The logic is literally not there but apparently, it is to them. What I despise the most is that they don’t understand that they’re living in America. America has a different education system. Time has changed. Technology obviously changed. Yet, my parents lecture me because I haven’t gone to college yet. I’m sitting there, not talking back of course, because I’d probably get hit. I sit there listening, but the irony is that he’s never been to college. He never finished high school. I don’t even think my mom ever went to high school.

So, I sit. I sit and sit. There is a pile of homework next to me, but I’m in no mood to complete it because I’m drowning in guilt. I’m drowning in pain. I have mental disorders. Tons. I may resort to self-harm. I may have suicidal thoughts. I may wake up in the middle of the night because I have so much work to do. Sometimes I can’t sleep. Sometimes I don’t sleep.

I’m not allowed to eat. I can’t exercise. I sit all day and receive blows aka abusive language because that’s “how it is”. I have to live with it because that’s “how it is”. I know this is not “normal” but it is within an asian household.

Many are extremely lucky to have “those” parents that are very liberal, but I don’t. I can’t make friends because they don’t suit my parent’s likings. I don’t tell them anything because they’ll judge me and yell at me for not studying. They refuse to give me money. They refuse to let me go outside. They hate it when I’m not studying. They hate it when I’m complaining. It’s sickening to them and they’ll start blaming you.

I get blamed a lot for decisions I made that they wanted me to do. I get blamed for going out with friends. I get blamed for the smallest shit ever.

“Oh your back hurts?” “You don’t exercise enough.” “You don’t eat enough.” “You don’t even get up from your chair”

… I don’t get it. I don’t exercise because I’m not allowed to. I don’t eat because I hate eating. I don’t get up from my chair because all you want me to do is study all day long. How else am I suppose to earn that A? Just like how money doesn’t fall from trees, As don’t magically appear.

…but I can’t say any of that. I’m not allowed to. I am supposed to “respect” and “love” them. I’m suppose to be okay if my parents cheat on each other. I’m suppose to be okay if my back hurts. I’m suppose to be okay if my head hurts or if my stomach hurts. I’m suppose to be strong. I’m supposed to be so many things I’m not.

I learn to lie. I learn to cope. I learn to kill myself. I learn to destroy myself. I learn to disappear. I learn to be fake. I learn to be someone else.

I can’t be myself. I have to act. I have to because “that’s how it is”. I have to become a doctor or an engineer. I can’t pursue the arts that I dearly love. I can’t pursue shit. I can’t be myself and I really am desperately looking through this studyblr community that can share the same feelings.

Everyone is the studyblr community is studying hard and doing great things, but I really need to know how many of you out there is being treated like trash. It is devastating and it is so hard to be someone you’re not.

If you are reading this experiencing similar situations, please please message me or smth because mental disorders are not okay. The situation you are living in is obviously harmful. I basically kill my brain. I fry it in fire because I can’t cope with it in any other way. So please share this and let me know. Let me know it’s real and that I’m not alone in this community.

tysurvivors

Hello. This is @/kimstudying. I am @thankyousurvivors.

This is to every single one of you out there who is suffering a great deal of trauma and abuse. This is for you.

I wrote this piece two summers ago in hopes of finding people who were fighting the same problems as I do. I learned so much from everyone in this small beautiful community. I am not alone. You are not alone. There may only be a small number of us, but we are so loved. We are well supported in all the little ways and I am so blessed to have talked to the selective few. It was an eye opening experience that brewed strength and hope into me. Thank you for your kindness and selflessness. Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your difficult heart-wrenching stories. I felt every pain. I cried every time. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for loving me, a complete stranger.

For two years, I killed myself all because I had one dream and only one dream. I wanted to leave this house. I needed to get the hell out of here. For two years, I endured the pain, the physical and verbal abuse. My health is reaching it’s maximum point. I have lost everything I once had. I lost everything and everyone all so I can get out of here.

I return after two years because I have two more months until I graduate high school. I am here to share my experience because I just achieved my dream. I will be leaving this horrid family to attend UCLA, my dream school. Everything I am about to reveal is something very dear to my heart. I was so scared two years ago to even talk about my *sush sush* abuse story. My classmates found out and I went into severe depression. I deleted Tumblr. I disappeared into the shadows. Panic attacks increased and have yet to die down today. I am truly a mess, but I am truly blessed.

This is definitely a long post, but I hope you can read this through the end. This time, I am going to share you my painful experience along with some advice I hope you can take with you. The purpose of this post is reach out to my fellow victims survivors. #thankyousurvivors you’ve done so well. you’ve done so so so so well. thank you for staying strong through every downfall. thank you.

you are enough.

After I published my sensitive story, I erased kimstudying. I erased my dreams of becoming a studyblr and decided to focus on myself. This is not selfish. Do not forget to take care of yourself. You deserve to rest. You deserve all the love in the world. You will be living inside your body for the rest of time, so be kind to it. I told everyone that I’m going to put my studies as my #1 priority. I did. I succeeded with straight As, but it was no easy journey.

Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. Physical abuse. Physical abuse. I can’t ever run away from this topic. I stopped eating lunch for a whole year. I lost five pounds. I gained five pounds. I lost another eight pounds. I’m 5′2″ and I weigh 108-110 pounds. I am embarrassed of my own body. I am so embarrassed of my race. I am so embarrassed of my color. I am so embarrassed of my own gender. I am so scared of my safety. I am so scared. Touching without consent. I am so scared. I am so embarrassed. I am weak. I am tired. I am fragile. I am.

Please do not tell me to get help. Know each one of us is dealing with something so much bigger. Know that each one of us is trying our best to cope. Know that we exist. Know that if we say one word, the world will come crashing down. Know that we are doing everything that we can. I am doing just fine. Painfully, fine. I am not alone. You are not alone. I understand if you can’t get the help. I can only listen to your story. I can only be a person who knows.. at least one person knows.. if I ever disappear.. at least one person knows.. ill be that one.

I am entirely broken. I have panic attacks often. My body breaks down every few days. I get sick every other day. I cry so much. My stress level is peaked. My period cycles has been irregular ever since I had them - six years ago. I just skipped one month as of today. My hair loss is so extreme and my body is sore everywhere. There’s not a day that goes by when I’m not in pain. I still hide my boobs. I still hide my period stains. I still hide my existence.

but I still rise and so do you. I still fight for my life every day. I struggle to eat and chew. I struggle to sleep. I struggle to be that model minority. I am not perfect. I am not goddamn perfect and that is goddamn okay. I am coping in all the harmful ways and that is all goddamn okay. This is my way, the best I can do with all the remaining energy I have left in me. It is goddamn okay. I am trying and that’s all that counts.

I continue to chug bottles and bottles of coffee. My mother buys all sorts of energizing drinks so I can stay awake. She is fully aware that I sleep or well, nap for one to two hours per night. She is fully supportive of that. I am tired. My body is sore. I can pass out any minute. I forget to eat. This is a scary way to live. Have a sleep schedule. Do not get addicted to caffeine. Please eat. Do not ever work yourself to death. Please. I beg of you not to and even though I say these words, I know I know I know some of you will continue to struggle. I, too, have insomnia. It’s quite insane-being sleep deprived but can’t even sleep at the same time. My biggest advice is to never pull an all-nighter. Take that one hour nap. Just take it. Your body is a temple. Be kind love.

Being the youngest female in the family, I have yet to see the sun everyday. I skipped school every single week of my senior year not to do drugs not to get in trouble but to stay sane. I leave school unexcused or not to feel the wind brush against my skin. I leave school to scream to shout to cry to break down because I have nowhere else to do so. I put a strong front at school. I put a strong front at home. Everywhere I go, there is someone watching me. I leave school to take a moment and take care of myself. I treat myself to good food and I make sure I get to breathe once in a while. It’s true. you only get to live once. inhale. exhale. breathe.

I lost two of my best friends in Jan 2018. The two best friends I had for six years. Six years of friendship down the drain and I only talk to one person at school now. They say things won’t matter after high school. True, but I am so lonely embarrassed depressed and upset. These two people turned their backs on me. Told me in the face that they’re using me. Told me that they don’t want to hang out with me. Told me all these dirty things. Telling everyone else how irrational I am being petty and childish. I don’t understand. I am in so much pain. I lost another two pounds. I know I am not alone on this one. How am I holding up? Not too well, but I’m writing a 100 page poetry book. You can find some pieces here.

Two years ago, I struggled with the reality I faced-the severity of the hopeless situation I lived with was too much to handle. I am living with an abusive family. I will continue to face harsh criticism about my very existence. I will be reminded everyday that I am not enough I am not good enough I am not perfect. My health will not get any better and I know of it. It pained me. It brings me to tears that this is the reality I have to face. I wake up everyday knowing that the pain I go through each day will feel unbearable. There will be so many times that day where I will repeat “I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t do this.” I will pause to collect myself my tears my tight chest. I know I will be panicking and reaching for breath. I am strong. You are strong.

I am sorry friend. The life we live is a painful one. The problems we face will be our own to face. The pain we receive is the biggest blows I will never be prepared for. I fall I bruise I bleed.

I am here again, two years later, still broken. I wake up everyday knowing that no days are promised. Each day, I rise because I want to one day reach that freedom. I hope, you, too, wake up each day with a little more strength. I did it. I endured the pain the struggle to get the hell out of here. I did it and so can you.

We are not victims of abuse. We are survivors. I lost my friend to suicide and I live for her. I live for every one of you. I breathe in the pain. I exhale the pain. I start over. My journey here was excruciating, but manageable thanks to my fellow friends.

Before I do the special shoutout, I want to say a few things.

If this is your first time reading this and realizing that you are experiencing something similar, my inbox is open. You can come out anonymous or let me know not to publish anything. You can message me here on Tumblr. You can find my snapchat / instagram / twitter

if you want to share your story or just rant, send a message here / reblog this post and please please TAG SOMEONE YOU LOVE TAG SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT TAG SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS DEALING WITH PAIN TAG THEM AND THANK THEM FOR BEING THE STRONGEST SURVIVOR.

I LOVE YOU. Thank you for giving me the space the honor to share my unique story. Thank you for taking me in. Thank you for showering me with the endless love and support. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I want to give a special shoutout to the following (in no particular order):

@jinfy / @alienskate / @sirens-and-superstars / @gooseapartment / @wildtaelephant / @j7nseok / @ssoler / @jeonrain / @18jww / @yoanxue / @fraagmented / @grrwlithe / @mydreamsillionaire / @thestudyfeels / @darlinghauntmydreams / @effectivestudies / @barbaragordvns / @positivity–only / @rocknharm / @mintyoongi / @ohhobi / @monday–musings / @rin-kagamiine / @neko-ya / @kisumstudies / @ynxji / @v-hyung / @crucial-dt / @nonkim / @urmyphantompains / @greenteabith / @dimsumgf / @tidvalwave / @noctsluciscaelum / @studythesunshineflowers / @my-cressont / @mugglesloveme / @dilellamapommm / @study-just-because / @expelliarmessy / @deepinternalshit / @study-to-panic-less / @zaneeya / @dentalstudies / @yolandastudies / @dxushite / @griffindhoor / @lohastudies / @siqixjungkook / @songsofarumor / @nonsenseandtea / @isthatoneperson / @stochasticdandy / @mixed-universe / @studywellll / @katiestudies / @nidaa-bidaa / @wish-it-be-it / @gespensterjager / @stili-alatos / @gori-kun / @study-snails / @bungou-study-dogs / @anateamy / @nayney / @chromnur / @ghiblistudyy / @orkids / @justscribbedwords / @sincerely-unidentified / @tokumasugimori / @aspiring-hermione / @karanotamashii / @pegasister777 / @sheepstick / @thermocline / @theextravertintrovert / @artemistudying / @isasnotes / @studyml / @mrs-bonbon / @sincerely-unidentified / @insectoidangel / @mugsther / @flyingfei / @heolstudies / @studypandaa / @studyml / @optinnism / @wahtisthissorcery / @studeying / @nostalgicthoughtss / fourthmagi1020 / @grrwlithe / @jhoanna2870 / @misspellinqs / @chemicaldect221 / @librisworld / @inloveinlike / @gaystudies / @stu-dying-with-red / @anglsonfire / @mindpalacedweller / @juju-liu / @rosecolourgrl / @studyhope / @sc773 / @hardcoreasianstudyblr / @dingdong2626 / @miyukine / @t-oxiques / @kiddiepoolenthusiast / @mew-seek / @asydneysiderstudyer / @itrytostudybutitshard / @alxyz / @smoinerd / @elusive-suggestions / @benespect / @ineverstudy / @yourstudymotivation / @procrastudying / @aymeezus / @abbhole / @unorganized-potato / @teenveins / @longnatewiki177 / @perrpfoudre / @qveen-cutie-j / @izzystudies / @yolandastudies / @katsdesk / @susiethemoderator / @sliceofhappinessandheaven / @plotchested / @conscientiousstudy / @montrealbae / @studyhope / @theaspiringpolymath / @studyingroses / @anebulousfuture / @xiotetudes / @suhween / @saamstaa / @officialday6 / @kimcheed / @sugasawr

and to every @/anonymous / @/every deactivated account, you are the most precious people I’ll ever meet. you are important to me and no matter what other people think. you are enough. you are loved. you are you and I am so happy to have met you. thank you for fighting for your life. thank you for loving me. thank you. thank you. THANK YOU.

#im so proud of u and youre so strong no matter what!!!!#sending u all the love and support 💕💕💕

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