[19-19-11]

I want this life to end and my new life to begin.

I need a change.

[19-19-11]

October 12 1:45Am

I called the suicide hotline today.

[19-19-11]

It feels like it’s all fading away.

[19-19-11]

I spent so much time loathing myself that I missed so many obvious signs.

[19-19-11]

I remember seeing a story on tumblr a long time ago about this person driving down a long road, watching the sunset, and holding the hand of their significant other.

I think about that a lot; Me in that position. I want to do that. Drive down the road at like 5:30 after driving all night. I think about the music I could play, where I’m going to or coming from, who I’d be with. What would I be thinking when I hold their hand, would someone think of me in the same way in the passenger seat.

[19-19-11]

With everything going on with Momo, my love life, my family.

I'm genuinely starting to think I'm unlovable.

[19-19-11]

*sigh* I hate waiting for something to happen. Like I'm supposed to be patient if I want to find love, if I want a job, the big things really.

I hate having to be patient.

[19-19-11]

I want the demeanor and competitiveness of John Wall.

I want the adittude and swagger of Big Sean.

I want the knowledge and cultural roots of Hasan Minhaj.

I want the comedic stylings of Aziz Ansari

[19-19-11]

Holy shit I used to be so god damn skinny I'm proud that I'm making the body change I always wanted

[19-19-11]

I'm happy I've been getting back into my culture this summer.

[19-19-11]

You are my biggest regret. Damn if I could’ve done it differently.

[19-19-11]

I wonder what you think about me now

[19-19-11]

I'm the only one of my friends that's actually single now.

[19-19-11]

I'm not confident.

[19-19-11]

The goal is to become successful in my own nice apartment. I can come home after work, walk around shirtless (w/ abs), and just cook good food.

[19-19-11]

Weird train of thought but here we go: I think it's funny when I see someone bitch about not being able to sleep with their significant other. I've never gotten that. I've only ever gotten to sleep (like actually sleep, not sex) with someone once in my entire life and I thought that was a blessing in itself. People always complain about what they have or don't have. Someone will always have it worse. Someone will always have it better. Are humans just inherently selfish? Or did society, after generations of change, make us like this?

[19-19-11]

Loving has ruined me.