breath

personal word dump

[2009emo]

There will be highs and there will be lows There will be trenches and there will be peaks There will be heavens and there will be hells But there is no where on this world or any other that we can not walk through hand in hand Because the earth is constantly changing and resurfacing day in and day out But I know that none of that matters because our home is the spot where our chests touch It is fire proof, water resistant, and built to withstand a lifetime of pressure and wind that will undoubtedly never stop blowing That spot that we create is the only truly grounded, consistent place in the world And it is ours.

[2009emo]

It is not very often And it certainly isn’t common For you to open yourself up to the pains of other beings And for you to truly let the empathetic side of you feel what they feel is a gesture in and of itself But despite your reluctance to worry over others you did just that for me You let yourself hurt when I hurt And more so than anyone else you understand the thoughts and feelings that pace back and forth through the hallways and corridors of my mind as if they are awaiting the storm they aren’t sure will even come But you placed your hands on their shoulders and told them to go home, that the hurricane warning was simply a warning That all of the houses and schools are fine and it was simply a light shower You are my beginning and my end The sun that guides and the moon that lulls You are in every breath that I take and in every flutter of my eyelashes And I know that the strands of my hair are tangled up in your veins and the shards of my laughter are hidden in the corner of your smile Because at the end of it all I could not be without you and you could not be without me

[2009emo]

there was something special about the kiss we shared that night in the backseat of your car our mouths both dripping with the sweetly toxic perfume of nicotine i couldn't help but realize that the life i was leading before you entered my world was not truly alive after all and that despite juvenile, conventional misconceptions of what the word "healthy" is i made the choice that i loved you enough to, for once in my life, 

truly understand

and decide that it is okay to lose and grow and change because all i want is for you to be happy and there is not a thing in this world i wouldnt do to make you happy and if happiness is as simple as creating one more form of communion between the two of us by means of combustive chemicals and words woven between zig zags of hazing smoke then i will do it with contemplative eyes and a smile on my lips your happiness is my happiness, just as your shame is my shame and there is nothing greater than sharing in simple happiness with you

[2009emo]

I will never tell you That I sat in my shower the morning after you started smoking again Crying War torn sobs wracking my chest, every juvenile tear mourning the loss of the idea you had given me That people are magic And people can fix other people But the cruelest truth of all is that people are not magic And people can not fix others who are broken No matter how much love and good intentions lie underneath Because the world is a very, very sad place sometimes And no matter how much I wanted to believe that I was a magical cure all for all of your miseries and struggles I never was And I never will be

[2009emo]

"you cannot immortalize the lost by writing about them"

but you are still so very alive and if it is the only thing that i do i will make it so that you will live forever even when we cannot because that is what you deserve

because i have spent hours staring into your eyes and i am still mulling over the question of if they are more akin to the sky, or the ocean or even granite

but the truth is that you are all of those things

you are so unending, so perpetually expanding and yet you are solid and whole even though there are moments when you seem like you are so utterly shattered and broken 

but the beauty is not in your misery

it is in your rebirth

because you are not defined by your struggles and your failures and your weaknesses

you are defined by the breaths you take every day and the blood coursing through your veins every second of every minute despite all of the clouds that have tried to blot the sun out of your blue sky

because even though i may never decide which blue fills your eyes when they blink open for the very first time each day

i will always know that being the first thing that your eyes see is a privilege that i will never lose and it is an honor that i never knew i deserved

[2009emo]

to lay against the very edge of where your body and mine meet and feel the line between "you" and "i" melt into something much simpler and to look through your eyes into the very soul that pilots your body is, unfortunately, a truly and undeniably fleeting moment

because there will never again be a moment just like that one

where the seconds are drug out for an existential amount of time

but that is the beauty of it

because we will share in hundreds of millions of moments almost identical throughout our life

although our bodies and our minds are decaying a little more every day and the world is gnawing and eroding at the things that make us "us" every second I know in the part of my soul that has seen more than one lifetime of sunrises and sunsets that when i look into your eyes i can see them all over again

because it does not matter how much we are battered and changed and how fleeting the beautiful, miniature eternities are 

you will always be the person to share in those moments of gentle collision with myself

and i would never have it any other way

[2009emo]

I will never regret falling in love with the boy who appeared to be more tree than human. Whose beautiful thoughts are tucked up inside a brain that thinks too much all wrapped up in a plume of curling and swirling hair, Because the veins that strain and press against the very surface of his phantasmal skin are not just pumping blood day in and day out They are pumping all of the things about you that make you an entirely organic and unique being Between all of the bones buckling and bowing beneath the weight of your own mind are not only the silent conversations we go on and on about with only our eyes, but also the blind conversations of lips and teeth and fingertips that will never end as long as you continue to steal the very thoughts from my mind and the breath from my lungs. It is only magnified that much more by the way your fingers don’t just slide between mine when you hold my hand No They seek out the place that they know fits them best and they grip just tightly enough for me to know without words that the heart working tirelessly day after day inside your chest feels a little lighter when it’s beside mine.

[2009emo]

Because maybe

All I want is to brush out a little more of the sadness that is so tangled up inside your soul every time i comb my fingers through your hair

Just to take a little of that weight off of your shoulders into my own hands and share a bit of that burden

And maybe

I never want to feel my bones relax against someone elses the way they do against yours

But it doesnt even matter

Because there is no one else in the world that can make breathing so painless or my body feel so molded to

I know that there is always a life without you that is worth living

But a life without your nose bumping against mine or your fingers gripping my own is not a life that i ever want to walk through ever again

And despite all of the fear that has stained my veins for so long I'm not afraid of the idea of eternity if your breath against my neck is the first thing I get to feel every morning and your hands are the second.

[2009emo]

And perhaps the scariest and most wonderful part of all Is that maybe Just maybe You understand how much I love you That inside that too old soul you can understand the words and breaths I leave tucked up and hidden between all of your bones that are much too pretty to be as solid as they are And that all of those wisps of reality and fantasy coming together in such a way are a very real thing that you don't just understand but you contribute to Because you are a very real thing All of your charred and coated insides that are trying their best to recover are real Yet all I want is to be a medicine for all of that scar tissue weighing down and trying to black out the clouds in your eyes You are all of the colors that I never even knew existed because you are above and beyond the spectrum of things and possibilities that I expected to find in this world Maybe it's naive after all But for now you understand and you are happy and I love you and that is, as previously said by a weaver of lovely intricacies, the beginning and end of everything.

[2009emo]

today i learned the difference between wanting and needing

he was excitement and nova and all things that a first love should be

even down to the ruin that was left behind afterwards

but the next was a lesson that we do not always get what we want no matter how badly we want it

he was a pretty painting that i wanted to step inside of but he was more than that because he was what showed me that there is life after destruction and even if that life didn’t exist with him in it at least there was still life to be thankful for

but you

i need you

your hands

your eyes

the way that it is you

and only you

[2009emo]

Even if I stuck my hands down your throat and tried to dig out all of the bile filling them up with every anxious breath you take it would only kill you faster than all of the chemicals and hormones cemented into the white walls already emaciating you

But maybe

Your sagging lungs wouldn't be so heavy if they were in my hands instead of heaving inside your chest from chasing after even more poison

[2009emo]

You are not a poem

There is no beauty in all of the little hells that you try your hardest to get through

Your sadness is not abstract or artistic in nature

But I care enough to want to try to make some of it a little lighter

So that I can write about the oceans and atmospheres in your eyes instead of the clouds of worry and exhaustion

I just want to help you breathe easier

Because for the first time in a very long time I can blink my eyes and not take solace in the microseconds of sleep and relief it brings me to die just for a moment

You are here and you are real and I don't want you to leave

[2009emo]

I couldn’t sleep last night

with my brain so full of you and your hands and the cold, sharp angles that began to soften and warm up in front of my very eyes as if they were the sun that was finally shining on them for the first time in a very very long time

even the smell of you and your voice is still stuck to my fingertips and in the roots of my hair but you are like a book and I am just barely through the acknowledgements and table of contents I am not even close to being done with it yet

I want your breath to be as natural inside my lungs as my own and I want to taste your words on my lips every time I run my tongue across them

I want you