26-Letters-Reformed

writing life one letter at a time

[26-letters-reformed]

Disappearing Bones

Shoveling dirt into a freshly sprung hole I’m watching the bones disappear addictive tendencies exploding outwards I’m watching the bones disappear emotional metronome imploding inwards I’m watching the bones disappear Reverberations of shouts and stutters I’m watching the bones disappear The whisper of a belly up friend I’m watching the bones disappear A photo A realization I’m watching my bones disappear  

[26-letters-reformed]

The fear of  falling in love again

I’ve been in a relationship for about three months now and to say that I have fallen in love would be an understatement. Be that as this may, the title of this post remains the same. 

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and past relationships have not helped with that. 

Ive faced verbal, mental and emotional abuse and still claimed to be in love with the cause of all that pain. 

I feel that being able to claim all this and understand it I have grown in some way, but that doesn't mean I am right and a relationship will always work out. 

Regardless my heart is set on you. 

I find this humorous though due to the fact that I have always loved like an existentialist. 

I wasn't made for someone. I was never less than I am with another. 

In the words of Savannah Brown “I don’t think I was born to love anyone except myself, and even that, some days, I’m not sure is true.”

So many times though I have fallen into old habits and he has pushed me to break free from my own walls I have placed up. 

I may not be any less with out him, but I sure have grown because of him. 

Perhaps the possibility of pain is worth it in the end, to fall in love again. 

[26-letters-reformed]

Young, Tired and Confused

So my roommate posted the following on Twitter

 “I dont care that we haven't been together a long time, I dont care that were young, Im planning my future with him. Marriage is my end game.”

“Honestly if you're 18+ dating someone and have no intent to stay with them your whole life, then why are you with them, Why waste your time?”

“Im not saying you gotta be sure and tie the knot now, im just saying, if you dont wanna have a future with them, Why be with them?”

It’s come to our attention that people now days see it as “common” to be in a relationship with someone simply because they don't want to or fear being alone. 

Let me just start by stating I believe this is manipulative and one of the many reasons our generation has become not only numb to the severity that is love, sex and companionship, but also places a huge detriment on not only your life, but the life of your “SO”. 

What is the end game? 

Marriage 

A life partner 

A family

Safety?

Regardless, why are we sitting here wasting our time when we could be taking steps towards that goal. Now I’m not saying find that person right now, but don't go wasting your time and theirs. 

[26-letters-reformed]

Stream of Consciousness

I’ve been really low lately, but like in a crazy way. Like in a he hasn't texted me back in 2 min so imma cry kinda way. But fuck crying, no crying is ewwww. Why would I cry? 

You know that feeling when you have to cry though and like your chest gets tight? Sometimes I wonder like if you just never cry would you pop. Like a balloon under pressure. Like when your a kid and you say you're so stuffed you could explode. They will have to hose me off the walls. What if they have to hose me off the walls? 

I made the mistake of thinking about my future and I quickly realized I have no clue what I’m doing with my life. Like can I just fast forward have a family take a cute picture with them then die. Like hey I did my part in society my work here is done bye bitches this girl is gone. 

[26-letters-reformed]

Dear Marie,

Dear Marie Im writing to you now for I’ve realized how far apart we’ve grown. Our future once seeming so close I could hop over to you at a moments notice and our bodies would simply mold into one. I wonder now if I’ll ever reach you.

Dear Marie I pray you’re as happy as I am driving 110 through the flint hills, windows down, radio static, singing at the top of your lungs P.S. Im sorry if we end up def

Dear Maire What does forever taste like? I pray its more than anything I’ve ever experienced or perhaps i don’t. Happiness has created moments for me more than a time or two and I realize I’m simply lost, no not lost, confused at this moment, but I hope this letter finds you Marie. That you’re not simply a dream but something more more than a possibility but a reality to those blessed enough to meet you one day.

Dear Maire You are more than pretty eyes with a ass; yes big butt, bigger heart, but don’t let that be the end all be all of our existance. You are what I strive to be you are the goal here, don’t let me down

Dear Marie what am I doing?

Dear Marie How much longer till we meet? Desperately searching shopping store windows in hopes of catching a glimpse of you, yet all I see is a confused kid staring at the mannequins again.

Dear Marie Do we look like our mom? Please tell me we don’t look like our mom?

Dear Marie Do you know the man I met today. I mean obviously you know him, but does he stick around? Does he leave like all the others? Does it hurt to think about him?

Dear Marie I KNOW I’m not making this easy for you. but hey whats done is done lets just pray i haven’t completely destroyed you

Dear Marie Has god left us, or more specifically have we left god? You see I’ve come to find there is no constant anymore and Im beginning to wonder if you even exist, or who it is I’m even writing to.

Dear Marie The doctors say we might be meeting sooner than expected. You see I always knew how we’d meet. I just never thought it would be so soon.

Dear Marie I’m starting to question if you’re even still a possibility. I mean I know you exist, just no longer in the picture frame, gold embossed format of which i originally envisioned, no. Not even close

Dear Marie Who are you? Who am I? Who are we?

Sincerely,                  Me

- Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

love me not

he loves me 

he loves me not 

he loves me 

he loves me not

I love him 

he loves me not 

knots 

forming shaping blooming 

broken bottle heart

you paint in hues of red 

I’m in pain 

hues of red

tingling follicles 

intertwining flanges 

interlacing utterances 

love you love you toos 

too hard to abandon 

left crying in a jail cell

his hands a jail cell 

I wish not leave 

disregarded eviction notices 

top lip quiver 

bottom lip cringe 

mouth like ocean

longing to swim

desperately drowning 

desperately frowning 

stomach is growling 

I convenient 

you lonely

naïve 

alone 

lonely

shot to the heart 

I can not blame 

shot to the bod

aint that a shame 

smell touch vision

clear as day

memory, hardly to say 

emotion kept at bay

words never to say 

I love you 

please love me to 

rented space 

hide my face

withdrawn emotion 

head filled commotion 

loved me 

loved me not

coffees bitter

words bitter 

lips quiver 

potent addictive 

honey so sweet

causing dependency 

my dependency 

you an endless sea

never leave 

such a tease 

stolen adolescence 

slowly learning lessons

never learning lessons 

preaching now lessons

knife like tongue 

held under thumb 

wounded 

half filled promises 

a half filled I kind of miss

I love 

you lust 

I hug

you thrust 

trust 

hope

creamy thighs 

tears in eyes

steady as forever 

shoulder meets neck 

want to hold you 

entwine you 

keep you close 

pray not pose 

kiss you unbroken 

feel me I’m open

longing like hunger

silently speak volumes 

unconditional shakes 

body quakes 

laughter between us

hit like a bus 

next stop your eyes 

now cries

he loves me 

he loves me not

he loves me 

he loves me not

I love him

he loves me not

- Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

Needs A Name

There is but one thing I trust in and that is God. Say a prayer for me, for I have lost.  Lost all will to hope for things of which I don’t believe to exist. Her lip quivers. Light is gone and she is alone. And as she lies there staring down the barrel of a gun you ask what is wrong with her? Why she dose not hope. You see I’ve been the girl, but never the gun. Shot by words by fists by feet by men. Do you know what it is like to be blindsided? To have the rug pulled out from underneath you? To love? To lose? There is but one who I have loved and that is God. Lies and fallacies tucked away to perceive this as truth when in reality there was you too. Love and loss, cliché but can’t you see that she is dying? No, she is smiling, hiding, fading. She is dying you see you took her only chance at happiness, transforming it into a nightmare with false pretenses. You shoved them down her throat. You held her by her hair as she choked as she screamed. As she begged you to stop. Why didn’t you stop.  My mother says I’m a smart girl but how can that be when I can’t feel safe without another person beside me.  You see when she was young they told her bad men look like everyone else, what they didn’t say was that bad men will come into your house, complement your mothers cooking, tell you you your brownies are their favorite. He is killing her can’t you see he’s killing her. She never screamed cause her mouth was full. Hope, no lies, the gun resounding one two she hits the floor no three. Gone. A hollow exterior walks with in her place smiling, hiding, fading.

-Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

An Adult

I’m currently 19 and therefor an adult right?

More is expected of me

True

I pay for my own stuff

At times

I get to make my own choices

Possibly

I choose what happens to my body 

False

I never recall flipping the switch to the neon sign that reads open that resided in my brain yet here I stand with memories I wish upon none. 

You see once you grace that threshold of the magic number 18 that society has decided upon signifying adulthood nobody tells you that the world no longer holds your hand.

I can pinch, pluck, pierce all I desire but that is simply physical, what about mental, what about emotion.

You see everyone claims monsters aren’t real when you are 9 but double that number and you realize they are all to real.

Hiding in false realities and promises of freedom.

And as your closet door slowly swings open dawning the age of hidden crop tops thongs and trips to the doctor you hope your mother never finds out about cause all you wish for is control.

Cause this is my body right?

These are my hands of which I touch, the mouth of which I speak, the hips I move, the lashes I bat, the tongue I roll, the hair I toss, the feet of which I dance, the ears of which you continue to yell into.

You’re screaming get a grip girl, binding my hands with pink nail polish, I hate pink I say and you laugh whipping my hair from my face curling it into ringlets so tight Im grasping for freedom.

I’m an adult right? 

Look at the beauty that is adulthood.

How she bites her tongue and nods in gratitude, surely not forced agreement playing the part so well the strings simply disappear and it must be her own doing. No masters no control here. Simply a slave to society, child no more, an adult. 

-Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

You Wish to Know

If I could I would reach my hands out to the heavens and grasp the love that I know all to well and place it in your heart. I would string together constellations setting them anew to cradle your tears in a cosmic wave of blue. I would hold you close till your body no longer trembled, till you grew strong, till you could see that I was here on earth and I was holding my moon and stars, and a part of me wished that that made me your world, and as you slowly moved your hand towards the inner most caverns of my being there was a hitch in your extension and you settled on the raised markings that cascade across my body. You wish to know how I got these scars. Childish mishaps and discombobulations of my thin layer of coordination of which I was gifted. Glossed over versions of reality that is I was stripped of happiness once, that I was the one who needed to be cradled as I had the light surgically detached from my veins. How I splashed in a pool of forever and I desired the cosmos but I was greeted by a black hold that whirled me in to its grasps as my hope trailed behind me spewing from my freshly sewn stitches I had fashioned myself out of solitude. You wish to know how I got these scars. A distant memory crafted by shattered glass that wounded me when I got to close. You kissed me, you kissed my scars and I saw that it was me who was held. Held by the crescent moon the brilliance of your smile and the calm of your kindness circuming to the warmth that enveloped me that I hope to be love.    

-Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

A Man Named Change

My mother once told me about a man named Change 

Change brings growth, possibilities, and a chance to better yourself she said Sounds great doesn't he Change showed me how I didn’t have to always listen to my parents Cause as I grew up change whispered sweet promises of freedom into my ear and I listened Now consequences that guy’s an asshole Change taught me how to fit in How to cover my chest with tight cloth and wires to make the people in my class notice me, or more my body And how to catch eyes by painting over any unsightly marks with my mothers bag of colors Change taught me that if you louse a friend, theres always more people who are willing to take their place And how to get the boys by removing a few layers and batting my eyes a few times Change also taught me how to forget those boys by drinking the bottles in my fathers fridge And that some one will always love you whether you want them to or not You see change is a funny guy He can have you smiling one moment excited and hanging on the edge of your seat But he’ll kick the legs out from underneath you and laugh as your face hits the ground And I’m not gonna lie I laughed along with him once cause I thought the whole ordeal was slightly comical Now I’m not saying change is a bad guy no if anything he’s the best friend I’ve ever had Cause he’s brought me happiness and laughter, friends and lovers But he’s also taken those things away You see the thing about Change is that he never knows when to stop Or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say he simply never stops He’ll tear your favorite pair of jeans and take away your best friend But it’s not his fault no that’s just who he is You see Change has taught me how to live How to regret no choice And to appreciate what he’s given to me Cause with out Change Well I’m not sure what that would be like And I don’t really want that to change

-Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

Chance

I remember the first time I heard your voice

And that’s not to say we hadn’t spoken before

But it was the first time it really meant something to me

I remember walking around that parking lot

Nervous and afraid

And how I jumped when I heard you speak

“Hey there little lady"

Arms swaying, 

Head held high, 

And that perfect crooked grin

I pray you know how amazing your smile is,

And I hope you never stop smiling

You see it was just like a movie 

And maybe that was just me over romanticizing it all 

But time slowed down 

I heard your voice,

I jumped,

My face turned 

As my hair cascaded across my face and down my back

I saw your smile 

I smiled back 

And for a moment I felt happy again

Hey maybe this is it

I thought to myself 

Maybe this is my chance at happiness

Maybe this is my chance

-Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

Time

It’s been a second since I said those words and I already am questioning myself as to what I’m doing with my life. Cause the look of pure horror on your face says it all as I see your heart slowly break before my very eyes and I feel mine slowly snap in half as I think why am I doing this.

Its been a minute since we left your house and I don’t know what to say cause I’m crying in the car and so are you but I can’t take it back cause whats done is done and I’ve hurt you. Why did I hurt you?

Its been an hour since you talked to my dad and thanked him for all he’s done, oh how sweet you are to my family, and oh how I love you. Ill always love you, I say as the tears roll towards the ground.

Its been a week since I came crawling back cause with in a week I found that you had some how managed to shield me from a world of hurt that now had come crashing down on me in a wave of reality that smothered me wishing for nothing more than your embrace again to shield me from it all. But it didn’t matter cause you didn’t want me anymore, I had lost.

Its been a month and this is where is gets complicated cause some how between a week and a month we changed you see. Cause you’re gone and I was left to defend myself and let me just tell you how thats worked out you see. Step 1 I lost 12 pound no actually I lost more than that cause I lost you so whats that 140 give or take a few, but thats not to say thats all healthy weight no cause the stress of not having my best friend made it impossible to eat no I couldn’t eat knowing your heart was broken, and it was my fault. Step 2 I relapsed cause somewhere in my brain I imagine there must be a louse screw, perhaps some faulty wiring cause I clearly wasn’t thinking strait when I took that knife and drew it across my body no that wasn’t me. Step 3 I drank myself till I was numb. Numb to the thought of not having you, to the pain I felt inside to the un pleasant pain that rattled around my head as I was held by my hair and forced to do the unthinkable, but hey who can say no when your mouths full. Step 4 you broke your promise, you said we would always be friends and that you’d always be there for me but here I am. Where are you? Probably off with your new friends, but I wouldn’t know. Step 5 You hurt my family and you see this is where I lost it cause you can be mad at me but don’t go hurting my family cause they’ve done nothing wrong. No you can’t take your anger out on them you are better then that. Or at least I thought you were.

It hasn’t been a year but that doesn't matter anymore. Cause Im sick of smiling, cause this is the truth, time is an asshole and so are you.

-Kayla Schenck (19)

[26-letters-reformed]

My New Years Resolution

You see if you would have asked me December 12th I would have said to say no more often cause as I was struggling to finish all my work I rushed around helping anyone else who asked for my assistance, only to wish I had the courage to just say you know I can’t do that right now, I’m busy.

You see if you would have asked me December 18th it would have been to be more cautious, cause as I sat there on the phone with the police I couldn’t help but feel stupid for not grabbing my purse out of the car before getting robbed.

See if you would have asked me December 21st I would have said to not to take everyones words as truth. Cause as I sat there kissing you in your car believing that I was your everything I wish I would have said no and stayed at home with my family.

You see if you would have asked me January 1st it would have been to stand up for myself more often. Cause as I sat there with your head in my lap crying no please no I took a stand and said sorry I have to do this for myself.

If you were to ask me today I’m not sure what I would say, cause lets just be honest nobody keeps their resolutions anyway.

- Kayla Schenck (18)

[26-letters-reformed]

How music ruined my life

Music use to be my life and it still is but the bad thing about music is that it holds memories

Memories of us driving together my hand in yours

Next song

Now your telling me your feelings and I’m buying into it all

Next song

There’s us making out 

Next song

I’m moving on top of you

Next song

Your hands are running through my hair

Next song 

Your hand is on my ass

Next song 

You tell me I’m perfect

Next song

I believed you

Next song 

- Kayla Schenck (18)

[26-letters-reformed]

My Horror Story

My horror story isn’t your typical Stephen King novel full of nightmarish realities and mind fucks 

No this isn’t your average guts and gore kind of story, this is far more terrifying. My horror story is complete and utter abandonment. Something far more terrifying then being strung up by your insides cause although the pain might be the same it doesn't take a piercing of your flesh no it’s something far more hellish. 

 Cause while you may wish to run from this demonic possession that is the truth, your fate has already been sealed by this forsaken abyss that is solitude. But the worst part is, is that although you may be alone, it never feels that way cause you are the hellish demon that plagues your mind every night, tormenting yourselves with possibilities and endless misery of what could have been and what you wish to be true but can simply never be cause after you’ve had your day of dread and trepidation, you dispose of your own head down in a steaming pool of matter that is your distorted reality that you have disposed before yourself contemplating every single maneuver that you yourself could make and how it could all just simply be dilapidated before your very eyes only to wake up and realize that you have awoken back into this hell that is my horror story.

-Kayla Schenck (18)

[26-letters-reformed]

Perfection

I once thought I knew what perfection was.

A dream, something unattainable by humanity something we could only imagine and even that could not come close to what perfection truly was.

That was perfection.

That was until I met you. 

You see perfection wasn’t something I thought I would ever see while alive no only something I would realize once I passes and I would go to the gates of heaven if you believe in that and there I would realize the true beauty that is perfection.

But then I met you.

I was never a fan of the color brown but you changed that you see cause some how you took the color of shit and made it beautiful and don’t ask me how cause I really don’t think I could explain it. But your eyes, they looked into me and I instantly fell in love with the color brown, but it wasn’t just brown it was a milky chocolate like the kind your mom makes for you as a kid when you’ve played in the snow for to long and your fingers turn purple from the cold, and you wouldn’t think brown could be such a big deal.

But then I met you.

To think that a name could be any more then just a series of letters put together by a pair of lovers to form a sound of sorts that they found pleasing would have been unthinkable, but as your name graced my lips and I rolled the letters over my tongue feeling the vibrations of the sounds that made up what is you I began to realize that no other name could compare and I must be crazy cause a name is simply and nothing more right?

But then I met you

Again I never truly thought anything more of the color brown till you walked in but your hair I saw it and it drew me in. As a swimmer I saw a wave and what swimmer can resist water how it envelops you in its embrace touching every inch of your body instantly knowing your every fault and yet not caring cause its simply water and water can think or feel you idiot but this wave that was your hair some how made me feel at home and that’s probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said in my life.

But then I met you

I was never one for words but you see when yours escaped your lips and hit me like a cosmic wave of euphoria, I became utterly speechless, to think that it was even possible to lace together a series of words to lift someone such as myself up so high and make me feel adored seemed impossible.

But then I met you

You see I’ve never been one to smile but the moment you did I couldn’t help but smile back. You see your over laying teeth that one would normally wish to fix one day some how drew me in, making me blush and my stomach flutter oh god how I hate that word cause its so cheesy and your obviously worth more then that.

Cause when I met you I realized that perfection isn’t a dream; no you were all too real. Standing there before me as I tried not to stare I realized that you were perfection.

- Kayla Schenck (18)

[26-letters-reformed]

Snow

You fell from the sky falling into my lap causing nothing less then pure joy as I was dazed by how you covered the world in white making it new in awe of the utter perfection that was you.

I laid down amongst you, at first shocked by your embrace, your touch that fluttered around my body falling around my lips as I opened my mouth to catch you and claim you as my own.

And as I whirled around playing in the beauty that you had made for me I began to realize how every step I took changed you, compacting you and turning what was once perfection into a criss cross pattern of our journey, something new.

But the more time I spent with you my body became numb and I could no longer tell where I ended and you began, and although I wished to stay forever I could hear my mothers cries for me to come inside.

I slept that night dreaming of you how you came and changed my world, desperately awaiting tomorrow. Waking up and running out the door to see you again only to be greeted by a muddy yard full of patches of what once was you.

I gathered you up into my hands trying to salvage what was left of us not willing to acknowledge that you were melting before my very eyes. And as I piled you together I dug myself a home with in you feeling your touch again against my skin, slowly succumbing to the exhaustion brought on by you.

I awoke only to realize that what we had built had disappeared into a puddle of mud and water, from what was once perfection and bliss and I longed for you again my snow.

- Kayla Schenck (18)