28 Little Things

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On the tenth anniversary of your passing ...

I thought I'd be doing something else-- twenty-eight things, both big and small to honor your memory; but when I woke up this morning, I was too sad. Sad that it's been a decade since you last touched the air of this world. Sad that so much of my memory hinged on yours. Sad that my best friend, my other half, my soul-mate, is no longer here ... so every plan I made went out the window.

All I could do was sit and cry-- and, something else that I have not been able to do in ten years: I re-read every note of yours that I could find. I re-read the texts and emails I still have access to; and I relived our friendship ... the good and the bad, through the words we wrote one another. And to my supersize, and my misery, I kept forgetting you were gone.

I would get halfway through a note and think "I should call her and tell her what I just read." Or I would revisit an old argument and want to reach out and apologize again. I have spent the last six hours losing you over and over, and now my head hurts from crying, and my eyes feel heavy, my throat aches, and all I want to do is sleep-- because then maybe I'll wake up and realize that this past decade has just been an awful dream.

I want to wake up to another text from you. I want to wake up and see that you've sent me another email. I want to wake up to another note, a letter, a hug, a promise .... because so many times in the notes I just re-read, you promised to always be here for me. You promised we'd be best friends forever. And I know, I know that spiritually--we still are and always will be, and that since you're in my heart-- you will be with me forever, but it's not enough.

A life without your laugh is not enough. A life without our stupid jokes and endless rants and meaningless conversations is not enough. I miss you. I need you here, and I am dreading the fact that in ten more years, I will have spent more time without you than with you.

It's not fair.

None of this is fair.

I read far more than 28 notes today. I recounted dozens and dozens of moments we shared. They weren't little. Nothing about our friendship was little; and now I'm left with much more than a "little" hole in my heart.

Next year, I will go back to doing 28 little things for you; but this year-- I just need to cry.

I miss you, Spo. I love you.

Why aren't you still here?

Why aren't you with me?

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On the ninth anniversary of your passing, I decided to honor your lifelong love of written-word. You always said I was the writer, but your love of books and reading made you quite the wordsmith too, though you'd never admit it. So today, I visited bookstores. I listened to stories. I surrounded myself with the good feelings and memories that all manners of books gave us, and I thought of you. Thank you for thinking of me too.

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I found this article on your Pintrest page, and it answered a question I've had for nine years ... how were you so calm?

When I saw you in that hospital bed, you were so calm-- so strong, so much so, that you were comforting me as I cried. I know you had some moments where it felt like too much, but overall, you were so amazingly brave, that I still think back in pure awe of you. But now I know (and I should have known before) that though you did not want to die, you lived your life to the fullest in your twenty eight years. You traveled. You put work second and your friends and family first. You felt your feelings and you loved what you loved, never apologizing, never regretting. I told you in seventh grade, that you were the coolest person I had ever met. You didn't believe me. You thought I meant "cool" the way that magazines and MTV meant it; but I didn't. You were so authentically you, even at eleven years old. You inspired and you laughed and you lived, Amanda. You lived.

My god, I am so grateful that you lived.

Top Five Regrets of the Dying (This article is more than 13 years old) A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is ‘I wish I hadn’t worked so hard’. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life? Bronnie Ware: ‘Writing Top Five Regrets of the Dying has brought me to tears’ How to die: five positive steps to deal with death Susie Steiner Wed 1 Feb 2012 06.49 EST 438 There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counseled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again." Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware: 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. "This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it." 2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. "This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence." 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result." 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. "Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying." 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. "This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again." What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?

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I listened to an audio book <3

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I wrote you a note <3

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We saw this movie in theaters together, and I can still hear you saying "She lived in the book!" so angrily as we were walking out. You loved the movie though, and I love watching it and thinking of you.

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A new notebook. You can never have too many notebooks, as we found out from a very early age.

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Things that Make Me Think of You

Crescent shaped bottles.

The smell of Tea Tree.

Bean sprouts and

crows cawing happily.

Black balloons.

Chain link fences.

Sporks.

Pork and

future tenses.

Carrots and porches.

Celery and Alcatraz.

Rainbows.

Polaroid photos.

Tiny turtles and cats.

My hands.

My skin.

That certain way I laugh.

I look at me

and I think of you

because you

were my other half.

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Had to check out a book from the library too <3

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You always locked into the most perfect sentiments. I needed this today. Thank you, Spo.

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My good friend Sophie made this lovely collage in your honor ... our little sayings, our inside jokes, our promises to one another, and of course ... Josh!

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Our old notes, reading your cards-- they will always be some of my favorite things.

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I was originally planning on going to the secondhand bookstore in town, but they were closed today. So instead, I visited the bookstore in our local library. It was kismet. I found a book I've been eyeing for only a few bucks! Of course, I donated more for the cause in your honor.

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I bought a book I've read, and one that I've been wanting to read. We always said we wanted a home library ... I figured I should finally get started on building one.