"maybe, in some distant place, everything is already, quietly, lost. or at least there exists a silent place where everything can disappear, melding together in a single, overlapping figure. and as we live our lives we discover - drawing towards us the thin threads attached to each - what has been lost. i closed my eyes and tried to bring to mind as many beautiful lost things as i could. drawing them together, holding on to them. knowing all the while that their lives are fleeting. i dream. sometimes i think that's the only right thing to do."
— haruki murakami, from "sputnik sweetheart"
PAIRING bf! jay x reader GENRE toxic! relationship, angst no comfort WARNINGS insecurities,there might be some grammar mistakes WC 0.9k series masterlist
December 12, 2001
"so, how was your day?"
you looked at him, your voice soft as you asked. you and your boyfriend sat in his car, the air thick with tension. but jays response was anything but kind. his eyes narrowed as he looked straight ahead of the road, his voice filled with bitterness. "fine" he spit out and silence fell upon you once again
no, it's back and forth, did I say something wrong?
the tone of his voice made you recoil, your heart sinking. it was a typical thursday night and you haven't seen each other outside of school in what felt like forever. you had only wanted to check up on him, to show him that you cared about his well being. but his words sliced through you like a dagger, leaving you feeling small and insignificant.
"thats great!" you tried to sound cheerful, but your voice betrayed you when those words came out quieter and wobblier than expected. you looked outside of the passenger seat's window, attempting to ignore the unbearable silence in the car. you could hear the joy and euphoria from passing cars and you couldn't help but feel jealousy radiating through you
All I did was speak normally, somehow I still struck a nerve
"why are you always so sensitive?" jay continued, his voice dripping with disdain. "you make everything about yourself. cant you see that I have my own problems to deal with?"
jay could feel your discomfort, he had to. hell, the passing cars could probably feel it "dont be like this" he said, sighing heavily "why do you always ask me that? you saw me at school. did you see me crying? no. so dont ask obvious shit when you already know the answer."
your eyes welled up with tears, voice trembling. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just-" you paused, feeling your throat close up "we haven't hung out in a while and i just wanted to make sure that you were fine"
jay scoffed, his anger intensifying. "you think you can solve all my problems with a simple question? youre so naive. you don't understand anything. fine, coach Madson was a fucking asshole today but i knew you wouldn't understand. isnt a simple 'fine' enough? all you know is how to break out in song and dance with your theater friends"
im the love of your life until I make you mad
your heart shattered as his words echoed in your mind. you had hoped for a moment of connection, a chance to offer support. but instead, you found yourself facing his anger, his frustration, and his complete lack of empathy.
you longed for affection, for those sweet words of love to fall from his lips. but instead, you were met with a wall of unpredictability. one moment, he would hold your hand and make you feel like the most special person in the world. the next, he would push you away, leaving you wondering where you went wrong.
every little thing you did seemed to set him off, like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. his anger was swift and cutting, leaving you feeling small and insignificant. it was a rollercoaster of emotions, and you couldn't help but question if he truly loved you.
jays grip on the wheel tightened even further as you reached a familiar intersection. the red light seemed to mock your mess of a relationship, the halted traffic mirroring your damaged connection.
as the light turned green, he pressed down on the gas pedal, your heart pounding heavily in your chest. the car lurched forward, the engine roaring, but the noise was nothing compared to the deafening silence between you two. the streets blurred as you sped through the night.
in that moment, you realized that jay wasn't capable of providing the love and understanding you have craved. he was a storm of emotions and absolutely unpredictable, lashing out at anyone who dared to get close.
on your late night drives, you would often find yourself bracing for impact. would jay walk you home, or would he send you home crying again? it was a cruel game of chance, and you were trapped in its endless cycle.
"look" he sighed "im sorry for lashing out, im just stressed with-" he paused longer than expected "practice, AP calc, everything, okay? its nothing personal"
his apology didnt change the storm of emotions forming inside you but you tried to tame it as best as possible, trying to look unbothered by his constant outbursts of hatred.
when did it all go wrong? you have known him since forever, his toothy grin and messed up bangs permanently engraved in your head. you managed to form an awkward smile "its okay" its always okay, as long as you were with him
do you love me, want me, hate me?
finally, you arrived at your house, and jay pulled over. the quiet and calm suburb contrasting the chaos in your head. the car idled, the engine still rumbling.
there was a moment of silence, a moment where the weight of your emotions hung in the air. and then, without another word, jay reached over and opened the car door. his gesture made you feel giddy and hope filled your heart. as you stepped out, you gave him your biggest smile
"ill see you tomorrow, text me, okay? i love you"
he didnt say it back nor did he message you that night
♡ ken kaneki x fem reader suggestive drool kissing food play?? ( ice lolly ) littl drabble.. ( 400 wrds )
kaneki’s soft served hair scratches the base of your warm neck, the warmth that draws him in like a shivering kitten. really, he shouldn’t need the warmth— the humid air of the hot summer evening sticking to yours and his skin. his tired eyes hang low as they lift from the softness of your plush chest, his blunt eyes stare back at yours, glittering with pure comfort. his gentle lips leave chaste kisses along your collarbone, his saliva coating every corner of your tacky skin— the stickiness adding to the hot temperature.
‘ki..’, you start, ‘s too hot for this’, a small mutter left your wet lips. wet from the boy’s consistent kisses, his lips so perfectly molded for yours, his skin like silicon on yours, his drool filling your pores. his body cages you in with ease as he levels eye-to-eye with your breathless face, ‘hm..’
kaneki leaves a small peck on the apple of your cheek, the tip of his nose leaving a droplet of sweat on you sweetly. kaneki reaches over onto the desk, long fingers wrapping around a melting ice lolly. the pink wrapper crinkles in his palm, the cool ice on his hot hands causing him to light hiss. he unwraps the packaging carefully, bringing the cherry ice to your lips. ‘cool with you’, he breathes, barely above a whisper. the ice lolly fits between your lips like a substrate, the cherry melting onto your cheeks and down to your chest.
kaneki wastes no time in slurping and cleaning everything up, small sucking noises leaving his working lips. he wraps his open mouth around the cold popsicle, his upper lip pushing against yours gently. kaneki sits there, silently, letting his saliva fall and infiltrate your mouth. his lips pull back as he admires his dripping work, leaving sloppy kisses along your face. his slim fingers find yours in the heat, caging yours in lovingly.
the cherry popsicle long forgotten, intertwining with eachother, the thick love between the two of you within the sweaty room stays cool, as the heat doesn’t bother kaneki when he’s cool with you ♡
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