A Wandering Wallflower @354lunardays - Tumblr Blog

August 24, 2016

Just decided to open up to this blog today and read some of the past shit I’ve ranted about. And wow. haha. There is like a huge gap but it is whatever.

Up- to semi -date

Remember how i was like oh I’m a slut? Well here is that update...

Guy before college: We got into an argument and I blocked him on my phone (which i completely forgot). Haven’t talked in maybe 4 or 5 months? give or take. I ended up running into him at the restaurant we first ate at together... weird right? WELL, our asses are talking again and other stuff HAH. Things are okay. I don’t know what to get him for his birthday.

Guy during college: Fucker ended up getting a girlfriend when he said he didn’t want one. I forced myself to get over him and basically stopped talking to him over the rest of the summer. We talk every now and then. I guess he isn’t dating the girl from before because... it ain’t his status anymore. Honestly whatever.

The other guy: I did end up seeing him on that weekend that I wasn’t sure if I was going to see him or not. It twas a good time. I have not seen him since then but we message each other every now and then. We are still chill and to my surprise he wished me a happy birthday on my birthday like he first promised me when we first met. A+ dude.

Guy I didn’t tell you about: So this dude was mad chill. And we are still chill. I think he just wanted to bang me, but whatever he is dope af. We met at this event party. We both ended up being really high together and started to talk because of that. Our connection ended on a strange note. Sometimes he comments on my stuff, sometimes i comment on his. I don’t know all i can say is the word chill. But I don’t kiss and tell with him. That’s our inside joke.

I stopped working at my job at the mall and currently starting to work at this cafe. Kind of nerve wrecking, kind of not. Still don’t know wtf I am doing half the time or if I am doing it write. It’s food mans, LIKE IDK.

School is starting soon and I move back in a couple of weeks. Excited and not excited. Mixed feelings really.

May 30, 2016

Oh my... I forgot about this blog. Oh boy, the last time I wrote was in November. HA. Oh boy, do I have a lot to update and rant about.

#rant blog

I feel like absolute shit. Kinda. I don’t really feel anything... but if I was something I’d literally be crap.

When you’re a selfish person who is a sucky friends.\

November 30, 2015 7:12pm

So I haven’t wrote in a while and I feel like there is so much to write that I haven’t wrote about. I feel like I should make a list. Or I should just constantly write more while in college because I feel as though I am making a lot of memories. Anyways... I am kinda writing now because I feel like shit and well there isn’t really anyone to talk to. I mean there is and they are probably going through tougher shit... which is why I feel like my complaining... well isn’t worth complaining about. I kinda just texted my cousin and even though she has a lot to let out herself.. I believe that it’s okay for me to let out what I feel... if that makes sense?

So here we go.

I am currently procrastinating doing this project I have to make. It’s due tomorrow and it is a presentation. Honestly, I am scared out of my mind. I don’t fancy giving presentations and I just don’t like talking in front of other people. This is when I get shy. And yes! I get shy and not a lot of people realize it. I feel like that hold me back a lot of the time. Like damn. I need to stop being such a puss. I feel like nothing again, but it’s whatever. I felt like shit when I woke up. I had my first bad high last night. And well right now I am just having a shitty day really. I feel as though when I am at school I am a mess. Like I have nothing together.

I was suppose to go on an adventure today with someone, but they never answered. Then I was suppose to go on that adventure by myself.. and I don’t know... I just ended up not going.

Is it weird to say I feel lonely? I know I am not alone thought. Or I’d like to think that. Now....I am not saying I have depression even though I feel like I do.

Is that a thing? Can you know you have depression? Like I honestly feel like I do and I should go do something about it... but I also feel like I’m psyching myself out.

I don’t know what to do.

11:03am October 26, 2015

Ahhh... so I’m a little paranoid because there is someone telling my roommates mom information about our activities. And I’m just like what the fuck. So to relief some stress I’m writing. If I don’t I’m just going to get more anxious. And like have a panic attack...

So... let’s talk about boys. Dear Lord Have Mercy. So I feel as though I have become a slut but I mean whatever. I don’t think I’m that bad. So here is the story... Well... as you already know (you don’t know... so I’ll say it again) there is this guy I was talking to before I started college and we were on and off, but there was nothing coming out of it. I knew he did want a relationship and I was okay with that. As college started, I kinda started to do my own thing... I stopped focusing so much on him. I was able to accept the fact that he didn’t want a relationship and started to move on from being hung over him. He keeps calling every now and then and asks when I’m coming back home. He’ll probably stop soon because my cousin told him to back off because of something he did recently that I will not explain or go into detail.

So there was this cute ass kid. And I was drunk REALLY drunk and he was kinda drink. We just made out. Now we are chill. Like we are friends and respect each other. It’s funny. But he is still cute as fuck.

Number 2. Wow this is complex. We had a serious talk and he doesn’t want anything or he isn’t really sure. We are like cuddle buddies... I guess you could say. We haven’t done the deed or anything lol if that is what you are wondering. I swear though when we are together we act like something. We kiss, make faces, tell jokes, and all that jazz. We’ve gone to eat together. He’s paid, I’ve paid. Went to New York together and went to Comicon. We just do a lot of stuff together. When we don’t have class we are just chilling together. It’s like automatic. Whatever. Just go with the flow. That’s what I’ve learned.

3!!! This is like crazy. Never have I ever so fucking fast. We are talking still and I might see him this week or not... I don’t know yet. This one is interesting. It’s too early to say anything. I think I am hyping it up more than it really is. He is really cute or at least I think he is. We are very similar in ways. Ah!!! I hope I see him soon!

So I’m a slut. Basically. Whatever. College LIFE!!!! lol this is me procrastinating. I am suppose to be writing a paper that’s due tomorrow... sigh... I guess I should start now. I probably won’t

1:22am September 24, 2015

Well. Right now I am currently in tutoring. However, my tutor is busy helping another student so I figured I write down some feelings while i wait to ask for help.

I don’t know why but my emotions have been driving me crazy. Or my mind I guess you could say. I’ve been in the dumps lately and today I had a sucky day as well. Well, the morning at least. I am hoping it gets better. Actually this whole week hasn’t been that great, but I mean you got to keep going right? Like I have been feeling nothing. Like what I normally feel sometimes. I stare at something and there is no one talking in my head. I’ve been feeling worthless and like I am bothering a lot of people. I don’t want to cause extra stress for anyone. It’s kinda hard lately because I haven’t really talked to my friends and my cousin. So I guess you could say I have a lot of thoughts or whatever bottled up inside of me.

College so far is crazy. I like dorming and I really like where I live and the people as well. We all feel so close and it’s only been one month. The actual work is okay, but I am starting to get distracted with other things. And so right now, I need to focus on work. Obviously that isn’t working because look I am on tumblr. I swear its just to write and wait for my tutor.

I honestly don't know what to write beside that I feel like shit. Sorry boring unnecessary post.

Monday September 14, 2015 1:15am

So these past few weeks have been... Crazy... College life is lol... Surprisingly very different than I imagined but it is also exactly what I imagined. I just really need to make sure I keep track with my work. The people I've met are ridiculously nice and down to earth. I have my moments but damn they are so funny and it's a grand time whenever I hang out with them. I'm currently sick and have been for the past couple of days. This has prevented me from partying and such which is a bummer but I am focusing on school... Kinda. The lack of sleep is ridiculous which is probably the main reason why I got sick. Lack of sleep. Plus the weather is also changing so I get sick whenever that shit happens. At my college the ratio of guys to girls is very different than what i was used to growing up. The school I go to is dominantly male. It's cool because I have hella guy friends which I haven't had really.... And the girls connect basically because hey... There is only a few of us. But bruh. Went to this party and my floor mate brought his friend. Holy mother of deliciousness. I've never actually looked at a guy only physically before. Like for me to be really attracted to someone I have to also be connected with them mentally. Good glory. I don't gotta connect with this boy. Although it would be nice. Long story short. Kissed him and was maybe a little bit too drunk and he ended up leaving. But whatever. Surpringly, I've semi hung out with the guy I'm talking too? Yes, the guy that I always talk about that is thrown up into the air. We aren't anything. We don't even really talk. We hook up every now and then. But recently we haven't and we've semi hung out. Like it seems like he is using me and sadly I'm okay with it. It's not like he is extremely using me. It's not like I need a reality check. For his birthday I was such a fucking sweet ass bitch. Like honestly I'd drop shit for this nigga. First off, we haven't hung out in awhile. And honestly I wanted to get him shoes but idfk what he has been looking at. Anyways I ended getting him a gift card to Nike so he could buy the pair he liked. Yes I know... Gift card lame... I broke the rule but hey check this out. This boy like lucky charms (idk how and why) and so I open the cereal box and but the Nike gift card. Have you seen Nike gift cards? THEY SO CUTE. They put it in a tiny shoe box. Anyway I shoved that shit in there and then wrapped the cereal box making it look like I just got him cereal. So I do that and write him a letter along with the gift telling him his actual present is in the box and he is stupid for thinking I just got him cereal. THIS BOY CALLS ME UP AND HAS NO CLUE. He literally had the cereal container stocked away and he had to go back to it to check after I told him. Here I am trying to be hella cute and funny. This dumbass over here. Bahahaha honestly I wanted to get him Nutella but i didn't know how to be cute what that. I don't want to talk about other boy stuff.... Should I get a longboard or a penny board? I'm very puzzled by this.

07/14/2015

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey you. 07/10/2015

I almost said your name today.

8:12pm 07/10/2015

Last night was rough. Honestly. I was so close to doing that. Today I could have left. I could have disappeared. I just got scared of the fall. I swear. I'm like bipolar or some shit.

4:52 am Wed: 07/08/2015

I swear I have depression, bipolar, and anxiety issues. I just don't say any shit about it.

9:13pm June 5, 2015

Who knew something so simple could ruin your mood. I thought today was pretty decent too.

6/24/2015 4:36am

Late night or early morning? It's been awhile... I haven't been able to distract myself while up this late in a long time. I guess because I know tonight is one of those nights I especially need to be distracted. Literally tiring myself out just so I can knock out and not think.

2:00am 6/21/2015

So some friend had me thinking…Expectations.

In reality, I expect mutual understanding… mutual feelings… and stuff along those lines. I assume that’s what everyone expects. Yes, sometimes that isn’t reality. Lots of times it isn’t mutual, lets be real. For me, I like to think that the best option reality has to offer is when the situation is mutual. So therefore that’s what I expect in general. Now if you ask me, what are my expectations? Real expectations? Not the ones that are based on reality… But the ones that you imagine, you hope, you dream of? I expect you to sweep me off my feet. To make me feel like the last guy lost one of the best things that could have happened to him. I expect us to be in mutual in feelings. But for our feelings to turn into love. Raw deep love… where we can openly pour our souls into one another. Do crazy shit together, you wouldn’t do alone. Or wouldn’t even think of doing. I want crazy love where we don’t have to worry about loyalty because it is already there. It is already established. Looking at someone else doesn’t even cross our mind. Trust is something that binds us together. We share our wildest dreams together. Our wildest dreams start to develop in which they involve one another. Our inside jokes, our memories, our relationship build us, forms us, mold us.... I don’t know who You is yet… but I’d like to believe you are out there.

Unfortunately…. Recently, reality took over. I didn’t receive the best reality had to offer with the one I have feelings for. I swear, if we got together… my love would’ve been so strong. So pure. If we were established? I’d be one crazy loyal ass bitch. If I was given the chance, I wouldn’t let you go. I won’t let you go. I guess I’m stuck hoping that I will be given the opportunity... maybe one day. Maybe someday... that’s what i keep telling myself.

Last two days have been really crappy. Today really took a toll on me. But sometimes I guess you got to get up and look at yourself in the mirror and just smile.

Friday June 19, 2015 7:55pm

Today I started my run, running for myself. In the end, I ended up running for you.

dephus

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