December 31st, 2016 // Day 366 of 366
Subject: Sesar Isaac Sanchez
Age: 43 Years Old
Born: Gilroy CA // Raised in Salinas
Currently: Chico CA
Occupation: Retail Associate at The Music Connection // Photographer and Writer at 365Chico // Volunteer at Chico Area Punks (C.A.P.) // Music Booker and Talent Buyer at The Maltese Bar // Creator of and Volunteer of the 1078 Gallery Booking Collective //
Photos by Jason Halley
Words transcribed by Sarah Pape
/// Poem///
He caught a town
in his lens.
We smiled and
told him our secrets.
/// By Sarah Pape///
“I approach this project through a lens of complete ignorance and curiosity, wanting to capture people in front of a camera. In doing so, by experimenting with the idea of recording people’s basic information while also asking them questions that pertain to their life, it started to take on a life of its own. So the approach evolved as time went on, as any kind of approach or project would, and thus I started to have it become a routine. But life is not necessarily routine and sometimes people and just random stuff can happen, so I just basically let it guide itself, used certain perimeters in a limited framework, and let it be as natural as possible. Also trying to uphold certain parts of a more positive nature in each person, trying to not focus on negative stuff. Because negative things—struggle, or stress, or suffering—are innate in our nature and so to try to uplift some sort of positive nature is a block against that and tries to, at least, give people a little bit of a better understanding of themselves. And ourselves as people.”
“I think that the most common thing I’ve seen from people is that everyone has a plan until they go through with what they want to do. And that no matter how difficult or easy someone’s journey is, they still have to walk that journey, no matter what. The most common thing is that there’s not something common between people, in that their own perceptions and their own experiences are completely different. To kind of juxtapose that, the common thing is a lot of them felt empathy for other people and try not to be selfish about their approach to doing stuff. People are really trying, even if it’s really hard. And, you know, it’s hard to get things done when you’re up against a lot of things in life.”
“I notice when someone is being really genuine and that they really look you in the eyes and really want to take in your spirit and just accept you as another human being without—because everyone has judgments—but its about putting those judgments aside and letting a person in, and be vulnerable. You can definitely tell when someone is very guarded. You can tell when people are being authentic. I can tell by their body language or the way they look you in the eyes. A lot of it can be found in the way they smile, or the way they hold themselves rigid. Someone who is very loose in their face can let you on in, they have a lot of expression, but when they’re very guarded, they don’t show a lot. And that’s not the rule. There’s definitely exceptions to that, but I can see when people are more open. I mean, day after day, you do things on a routine, you start to get the hang of it. A lot of people ask me, “Do you think you can talk to people better?” My answer to them is I think I can talk to people better when we both have intention. And so, if I have an intention to talk to someone and they don’t have that intention, then there’s not going to be any sort of communication that goes both ways. And so I would lend that to any sort of interaction you would have in your life. If you want to actually do it and have communication, at least start with the intention first, don’t say you’re going to do something and not follow through, even if you’re met with opposition and aren’t getting what you want.”
“I would drive my mom, or my parents, insanely crazy because the kids, we had a lot of cousins when I was younger, and they would be playing, I would play too, we’d be having a great time, you know, sleepovers and whatever, but I would always find myself at the adult table, always bugging my parents, always listening and kind of interjecting to what the adults were saying. I come from a kind of old school Mexican family where you’re seen and not heard, and for a while I was able to get away with that, especially as a young child, and I think that really has been helpful now that I look back. I was definitely—I don’t think I had wisdom or knowledge beyond my years—but I always felt like I was a curmudgeon almost. Not like an old man, but someone who is very steadfast in their ways. Someone a little older, who could be described as grumpier. And maybe because I saw that through osmosis, like my family members who were older, I’ve always just kind of been like that. I don’t think there was anything innately from being younger that came through the project, other than I’m super stubborn. And once I start something and I put my mind to it, especially now that I’m at an age where I feel like gotten over a lot of hang ups about myself and have more to get over, that if I find something that I really believe in, and other people believe in, and I push it forward, I find it hard to stop. That comes from that young stubbornness and I’ve always been that way.”
“I don’t think I was ever going to quit. There were times when I was exhausted, tired, depressed, questioning myself, doubted myself, had other people doubt me, felt that I was in way over my head, and that what I was doing was completely worthless. One thing that I’ve learned is that all of that nervous energy and all of that angst, stubbornness, overzealousness that got me into trouble when I used it for alcoholism, or when I used it for depression or to be mean, I then, in turn, used it to keep me going. Because I was stubborn enough to keep doing it, and I had all that nervous energy, so I couldn’t just sit still. I remember the first time I felt like I couldn’t do it was the last day, or second to last day in January, and I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do it. I was tired. I was depressed. I was exhausted. I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing, I was in over my head, and no one cared anyway. But like most good things that you do care about and love, or believe in, you keep doing it until it either works, or you stop. And I think that’s way different than quitting.”
“I really believe in the human condition and people in general, who are doing the right thing, and also people who are doing the wrong thing—you need to have them all. All of it gives me hope, no matter how bleak it looks, because you have to. Otherwise, it’s over. If you have hope, just conjuring it up yourself, other people can have a piece of it too. But if you don’t, and you don’t try, then no one gets a piece of it and maybe they’ll lose a piece of that themselves. Coming from someone who, again, is not the easiest person to get along with, I kinda take a page out of the book of people who I’ve asked. Let’s say you have a colleague and you disagree with them, but you still support them. They do things differently, and maybe they’re a little rough around the edges, but you’re like, this person is kind of a genius, or maybe they’re just trying but they’re just not getting it. You still support them. You try to give them support. Maybe you’ll help them. Maybe you’re that one person who will give them that 1% they need to get by. People are like, “So at shows, it seems like you’re not watching the music.” I enjoy things in a way different way than other people. I enjoy seeing other people enjoy them. When other people are at a show and they’re enjoying it way more than me, that means that I’m enjoying it more than they are because I get to see them enjoy something that wasn’t there before. And in that turn, through my nervous energy, and all the crazy stuff in between, I find an enjoyment in just seeing other people doing what they can.”
“I enjoy anyone’s feedback, simply because feedback means that they’re paying attention, or at least involved in the context of your communication or conversation. I’ve gotten critiques. I’ve gotten people who have given me critical thought on my grammar. I’ve had people who have told me my pictures look the same as the other pictures. I’ve had people say they love my work, and that they like what I do, and they think what I’m doing is great for the community. And I’ve had people say that they don’t like when the questions aren’t posted. They don’t like that I have certain people on there. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative to me, because all of it is good. Any sort of thing that gets you out of being a bystander is good. So, all of it’s been flattering, no matter if it’s been someone whose been critical or someone who praises. I find that the people that are the most passionate are the people who keep on saying it over and over again, or have said it the loudest, or had the meanest or nicest thing to say. I find them to be the ones that really effect me more than anyone whose like, “Oh yeah, I saw that.” They are at least engaged, and to me, engagement and communication and just being involved, is way better than not being involved. And that goes across all bounds. Whether it’s at work, or being creative, or whether its being artistic, or political, being engaged is much more important to me than people who are indifferent, or complacent. You know, I see people who are passionate on the far right, people who are hateful, people who say things that I think are horrible, but they are engaged. And I respect that. Do I respect what they say? No, I don’t think that its cool, a lot of things that are being said, but I respect that they have fervor, a meaning to their life. And there are people who I know who are smart people, beautiful people, who are disengaged. And obviously there’s the other side, people who are really engaged on progressive thought and I respect them as well. The whole point is, any feedback is good feedback.”
“I’ve had people come to me like, “I never knew that about that person. I think they’re amazing now.” It didn’t change anyone, but its one of those paradigm shifts where you think you know someone and then you get a switch turned on or off about them. And it really just makes you challenge yourself, like, what you really think about yourself and how you interact with people. My answer to those people would be, if you made the effort, you may be able to do that for yourself.”
“I’ve always respected and always really upheld people who never thought of themselves as the things that other people think of them as. Writers, poets, artists, photographers, musicians—it doesn’t matter what it is—people who are like, I just happen to do this thing and it calls to me and so I just do it. There’s a little bit of humility in that and it allows you to break free from the spectrum of being that one thing. Or that other thing. It gives you an allowance to experiment and not have expectation. And it allows you a lot of freedom. It’s also a double-edged sword, because once you call yourself an artist, or don’t call yourself a photographer, then other people start to believe that. So, I try to meet in the middle. I let other people come up with the names and the titles, and then I will follow suit if there’s enough of it. And in that regard, going out and doing it every day, like taking pictures and writing words, I feel like I’ve learned more by doing it than I would’ve in a classroom, or someone telling me what to do. Because inherently people are going to want to be involved somehow, even if they can’t be involved, so even little critiques or pointers here and there, those are a way of teaching you without being in the classroom. And so, going out and doing it every day, to me, is a much better way, a hands-on, on the job training kind of way, opposed to being in a classroom. And it has changed immensely and now I want to learn more about photography, and about words. They both can capture feelings and emotions and you can use them to whatever end you want.”
“I had that ah-ha moment a couple months before. I told myself I wanted to rehash my idea of taking pictures of people every day. So, it goes back to that idea of intention. The words were accidental. I never intended for that to happen. I didn’t have this grandiose idea that I was going to do this. I didn’t have an artistic intention. It was just something I wanted to do. I felt like I needed to do it in order to take on photography as something I wanted to do. And so it’s kind of like that moment when you do go into some sort of program or classroom. You’re either invigorated by it or you’re not. I felt pretty invigorated by it right off the bat.”
“The next idea is to rest. But not for very long. I want to have a showing of the artwork in printed form, and to celebrate by inviting all the people who were involved to an event with music, food and drinks, and community, and fundraise for two things. One, for a book to put everything into. Two, to fundraise for the big project which is to travel around the country over 52 weeks—50 states in 52 weeks—that’s my next dream, that’s the next project and it is going to be a more streamlined version, because meeting up with people, going from town to town could be pretty intense, so I’m going to leave it more to chance. For sure do one each week, but let it be more free flowing. Kind of get a picture, a very small .001% picture of our nation at the moment, this post-modern world we’re living in. Everything is kind of turned upside down. It seems like a good idea to capture it in time, to see what it is, and where it’s headed. One state per week. A mixture of 2017-18.”
“In the beginning I asked for volunteers, people who I already knew, and they were the test subjects. They were the people who had to deal with the worst grammar, deal with my not-the-best photography or creative ideas. They had to deal with me being more nervous than I am now, and not sure of myself. Just by osmosis and knowing a lot of people. If you use social media for what it’s for, people will respond in a positive way, and they did. They came out in full force. After a while, almost immediately, people saw what it was and they wanted to be a part of it. Whether they were friends of friends or complete strangers, or just someone who I work with everyday. And there would be situations where I would be somewhere with someone that I know, either a band mate or someone who I work with, and was like, I’m sorry, you’re going to have to be a part of this and that’s just the way it’s going to be. And they were good sports. I’ve travelled and done it on tour by meeting up with people who lived in other towns. I was in San Antonio and two people who had lived around the north state who lived in San Antonio at the time drove to me. This was in the first month. It wasn’t even developed yet. I’m grateful for all of the people who have gone out of their way to be part of the project because I think they saw that they were going to be a part of something bigger than me. A very expansive list of people. Of people who just went to their job every day and did what they could and had other things going on, and people who were artists who were very creative and well known. It was a mixture of both and I think people respected that.”
“A part of it is about trust. A second part of it is about being genuine and intentional. If you’re genuine in your intentions, then trust is an immediate thing you can gain with people, especially if you’re consistent with your word. If you’re consistent with your word and you stand by it, then people will trust you to uphold their intentions, feelings, and what they believe in. So in that turn, I’ve had a lot of people tell me a lot of different things—secrets, horrific things that have happened to them, feelings about others and themselves—and I’ve always kept it to myself and I never recorded anyone when they didn’t know and I was always careful to never ask too deep or personal of a question. Because it’s not anyone’s fucking business. I wanted people to know about their nature and about what they could share with others that could help someone else through a similar situation. I don’t want dirt on anyone so it could be used against them! That would be horrific, and bad. So, trust is a huge part of it and if you look now, people trust me so much that they want to be a part of it still. You can see across the board that there is nothing in there that would’ve let people believe that I wouldn’t uphold them to a really positive light.”
“A lot of people have asked me about why I don’t post the questions. And my answer has always been a really snarky answer which was, I wanted to piss you off. That is, to a degree, true. I wanted people to feel a little vexed about the whole thing and feel a little bit out of the loop. Not because I don’t think that my questions were good or not good, or that the answers were good or not good, but sometimes those questions contained information in them that people don’t necessarily need to know. Also, it lent to it being an open-ended answer. Sometimes you really had to dig in there and you’d get to the point, and sometimes you’d be really confused and really kind of mad that you even read it. But whatever the case was, a lot of it came down to the questions were sometimes longer than the answers and it seemed a little asinine to be like, “My questions are really fucking long. Give me that answer that was much more straightforward than my question.” In hindsight, it seems like my little kind of secret artistic way of approaching stuff even though I didn’t really intend on making it some sort of artistic statement. It really was just mostly about that sometimes my questions were way long and way stupid, and probably people wouldn’t even look at the answer if they saw how long and stupid my question was. And sometimes people have answered amazing things to these really long and stupid questions! But over time, I’ve had people reply to me before they answer, “That was a really good question.” And that happens about two or three times a week. And so I feel like I’ve gotten better, but it didn’t really change my approach and I feel pretty good about it.”
“If anyone is going to take anything away from this, is to remember that no one is going to make you do anything and that you have to find your own motivation and your own inspiration from within yourself. And when you find that, grab hold of it and to hold onto it really tight and use that to propel your need to give back to others and share. I always come back to nothing happened by you not doing anything. If you want something done, you have to go out and get it and it’s there. It’s there for everyone. I mean, depending on your level of privilege in life there’s opportunity for anyone in life to go out and do anything they want to. It has to be your choice. If you’re going to take on an every day project, remember that it’s a marathon and not a sprint. Pace yourself, but you also have to be reckless and unabashed at the same time. The balance in between the two is where you’re going to find the most joy. At both ends of those are a lot of manic ways of doing stuff and when you find the balance that’s where you find your joy, to create with yourself and others and share. And then when you’re done doing that, you scrap that shit and you do it all over again.”
“There hasn’t been one day this year that I’ve seen less than ten people. It’s been that kind of year. It’s given me a great value of silence, and alone time. On the other end of it, when I am alone, and have that silent time, it’s too much. It’s scary. I become vastly depressed, in a very short period of time, because I’ve acclimated to this very stimulated state. I’m looking toward the new year, and I’m like—I will probably be depressed. That’s happened before though, so I’m not really afraid of that depression. I think that I really need it. I really need to go through a somber moment in order to really reflect what just happened to me, and what just happened to everybody else. Yeah, showing up every day, some days I woke up and was like, “This person is going to talk way too fucking much. I know it. I know they’re going to talk so much, and I don’t want to hear any of it.” And I get there, and it’s just fine. I have a really good time! And it just goes to show that if you follow through you’re much happier when you follow your own word and just do it.”
“Everyone should have the New Year’s resolution to really think before they do something. Before they react. I think that I too need to partake in that. But I see a lot of people suffering and I see a lot of people, through social media and the real world, who are reacting, who want to talk, and their hearts are in the right place, but I think that if they looked at the world and saw how daunting it really is, and see that a lot of it is fucking futile, and that if you just really, really, really wanted to follow through with that big thing that you think is so important, then you should fucking go do it. Quit talking about it, and quit posting about it. Because it’s insulting, really insulting to see people who are armchair activists, people who are willing to spout out a lot of words, but they wouldn’t lift a fucking finger or their own ass to actually go do something about it. I think I want to heed my own advice. Get up, get my ass in gear, and do the things I said I want to do. I think everyone should do that, and just shut the fuck up. Look around you. Look around in your own neighborhood—it’s falling apart! Look in your own community. There are people who need you and you’re wasting your fucking time. I am too. I’m the first person to say, you need to do more, you need to go out into your community. This is a way of doing it, but it’s not a direct way. I think that if people even took 1-10% of that energy that they use for this needless reactionary language, basically useless energy, and actually used it for something, we might see things getting done. People are selfish, and I am too, but it’s just infuriating. Come on, why are you proving the shitty people right? You talk too much. Get out of here. Go somewhere else. Put yourself in a really uncomfortable position. Then let’s see what words you have then. Everyone is big when no one can touch them.”
“I think the top priority of Chico should be to stop lying to ourselves and stop thinking this as some safe haven against a conservative monster. Realize that you are a part of this system and you can’t run away from it. Am I advocating for people to get out and protest, or go to city council meetings, or to go and chain themselves to a fence? I’m saying the most basic and vital thing is to ask, “How can I be of service?” And you’re going to be blown away by how many people are going to say yes. Most people want service for their actions and they give nothing. I ask people to be a part of things because I know exactly what I do. I ask them to be a part of the music community, or if they want to be a part of a fundraiser. And I’m careful to not point fingers. This is not a point-finger fest. This is a look in the mirror type situation. If you put yourself out there—I mean, that’s as cliché as you can fucking get—how can I be of service to my community? How can I serve my country? It’s just about putting it out there. It’s so easy. It’s so easy for people to do, it’s almost ludicrous. Following through with it is another thing, a while other story. I have a feeling that there are so many different things people can be a part of, but mostly, my number one thing lately is, if you’re not going to do anything, get out of the way. And that goes for everything. Am I the biggest protesting advocate of all time? Hell no. I’m not even close. But it’s the intention and the doing things that I feel I can offer. I feel like people want to be involved, but do they really want to be involved? Cause that takes effort.”
This year has has been a good, hard, and challenging year full of heartbreak and full of love. And what I learned the most in doing this project is that everything and everyone has it's place. That if you want good things to happen, and if you want want to happy, that you have to put others before you and just try to be the best version of yourself; sometimes it's possible and sometimes it's not.
But anything that is worth your time does not come easy and if it does then maybe you don't need or want it.
So my advice is: Be Patient. Wait your turn. And have humility.
Then maybe someday something will go your way.
Sesar