365

This is my new 365 project for 2013. Carpe diem. Click here to visit my main tumblr! Why any of you actually look at this blog and read these posts really does boggle my mind. But thank you! :DDD I love you more now(:<3 The actual date is in the post(: Ignore tumblr's date stamps XD Procrastiquy strikes again. 2011 PROJECT! Unfinished 2012 PROJECT! Unfinished Junior Year PROJECT!

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

Follow my "new" and continuously running 365 at link above :3

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

What i don't understand is how

the day can pass by. Like..how I survive it. Because everyday at some point in the night, there's a sudden twinge of pain in my chest that i can't get rid of. I have no idea of its cause. All i know is that i want to drown in the rain, or hide in a coma under my blankets, or just "not life".

I guess I'm just asking...why? What's wrong d: Nothing seems wrong. Yes, there's the typical "Oh, lol, let's not talk about my GPA" or the "SHIT SHIT FUCK CLUB CRISIS" or the generic "peeoopplleee waaai do you even realize the poison you're emitting" but....let's be honest, I'm used to all of that. It doesn't phase me all that much anymore. That could be good or bad.

The point, what the fuck is wrong. How do you solve a problem without a cause. How do you sooth an unexplainable feeling--something that is not long lasting, but also something that is reoccurring daily.

I'll be okay. I just want to be a little happier. What happened to the girl the never cries, the girl that always smiles, the girl that was the epitome of happy sunshine. Where'd she go? I haven't seen her around in a very long time. I hope she's alright.

gaaahh

Wat doin. Legitimately..what am I doing.

I want someone to fix me but that's my job. The rest of you can just offer me bandages and see what I make of them. 

-finishes mumbling nonsense-

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

I woo a lot. I like it. It's fun.

07.18.13

Although technically these are thoughts from the past. Lol oh well.

It's time to try and list why I feel like this

I am a failure at basically everything besides existing.

I have no motivation to do school work,

Or really much of any work for that matter.

I was elected into a position I don't deserve--

Technically two positions I don't really deserve.

Few people I can call my bestfriends.

Even those select few isn't enough sometimes,

And I really hate that they aren't because they are wonderful people.

I don't deserve to be in their lives either.

I'm censoring my thoughts slightly to avoid questions.

I don't like how this is the only way I'm going to get it out of my system this time.

This is a bad way to deal with this.

I am bad at dealing with problems.

I hate conflict;

I cause conflict.

Loving you is one of the most difficult things . . .

My SAT score isn't getting any better..

It's probably getting worse..

I haven't even done anything to find out just which direction it's even going in.

My dad says I'm growing backwards; I'm getting worse and worse daily.

"You know, sometime you can have common sense but you do everything so stupidly"

You might as well have phrased it like that. It hurts either way.

The only people that believe in me either don't know me well enough to judge that, or are deeply disappointed in how it's been going thus far.

Change scares me.

I love Key Club and all I do is fail at what I've been given to do

I can't even find a location for our OTC.

I've been lying about how often I try to contact Maranatha and Cathedral Catholic. I stopped trying mid-June..

We haven't been doing enough. The members want things that I'm not working to give them.

My members hate me. No they don't, but they don't like me enough to approach me. I thought I was easily approachable and friendly. Guess not.

I have a vision of myself and who I am. That vision has been proven wrong on multiple accounts.

When you two fight or get angry, I still think back to that time where my bad habits almost caused a pseudo-divorce.

April 2nd 2012 was a waste.

All I do is lie to myself.

This is to the point where I have no idea who I am at times.

I thought I was nice. Nice people don't hurt the people they love. Nice people don't disappoint the people they care about.

Anyone reading this that disagrees...thanks. It's appreciated. Just appreciated..

But that's okay.

That's what I want you all to believe.

Mmm..that's exactly what you've been trying to change. Look at how I'm "trying". I'm sorry.

I'm so weak. Crying like this frequently. Fuck. When did I get so weak.

In middle school I was known as constantly happy and constantly smiling. That was real.

This isn't as real...

I really want that back sometimes.

As great as it is to let into your emotions...I want that happy.

Sometimes I have that happy......sometimes..

I hate what I've turned out to be.

I talk as if it's going to stay like this forever,

Or at least for a long time.

I don't see me changing any time soon.

I am so desperately sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

There are so many things I wish I could just....quit.

These things...they're things I wish I could quit loving..

To leave with no hard feelings, and without any remorse for all parties involved.

That would make everything easier for everyone and everything.

I would have nothing to disappoint and no one to hurt.

Unfortunately, these are the things I love.

Like..the things that keep me alive, breathing.

And how can you quit something you love?

I am a terrible person.

I have high expectations, but from the way I actually live my life, I don't want to do much of anything.

I have not good enough grammar.

I don't know what I'm doing:

Right Now.

With my life.

With what's been given to me.

What do I have to offer to the world?

How do I unlock my potential?

There aren't enough sad sounding songs in my or Spotify's knowledge.

All I want to do at this exact moment is tell you that I want to talk to you but I have nothing to say. I lied. I didn't choose to sleep.

Fuck.

Sometimes I really just hate myself.

When I wake up I'll be fine until something triggers it.

That inward pain in my chest when I actually realize that I am not in the least bit okay..

The physical reaction to the mental problem...

I just have grown too familiar with that over the years.

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.24.13

DCON 2013: Day 4

This morning, with a huge smile on my face and teary eyes, I walked across the stage in front of 3,000 CNH Key Clubbers and officially became installed as the Lieutenant Governor of Division 37 South. I wore my gold tie and lei proudly, feeling immensely honored to accept this amazing opportunity that lies ahead. After being an elect for 2 months, I am still in complete and utter shocked that I am now LTG. A million waves of gratitued goes out to my passionate Red Bulls of D37S. Thank you for BEElieving in me. I know this 2013-2014 term is going to have it's frustrations and failures, but I also know and am confident that we're going to have incredible successes along the way. I can't wait to see what new heights we're going to accomplish.

Yes, I am a big dreamer. Yes, I am (extremely) afraid of failure. Yes, I am passionate about service. Yes, I am a procrastinator. Yes, I am tremendously excited. Yes, I am unstable. Yes, I am motivated.

Yes, regardless of the positive and despite the negative, I am ready to serve as one of seventy-three Lieutenant Governors of the Cali-Nev-Ha Key Club district.

Wow that is a really big role to step into. I'm scared guys. Sacred...but excited. Here's to Day 1

*Also this is a really awesome jumping picture that parts of Region 2 LTGs and IPs+Carlos took in front of the convention center. Then we ate at Rubio's. Then we waited for our train at the station. I don't like trains... well, mainly just walking in them. I have bad balance both physical and mental. Fam bam picked me up, I ate homemade pho, neglected to unpack, and have been stalking through Facebook liking all things DCON. So there's the rest of my day besides being in complete bliss about being installed as LTG.

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.23.13

DCON 2013: Day 3

Region 2 wassup?!

It's been a very long day of walking around, screaming, learning, understanding, being confused, having a fun time, being inspired, and so many other key opportunities that I wouldn't have experienced otherwise.

From helping to SAA, to going to workshops, to the amazing keynote speaker, to the interesting conversations over mealtime, to the countless smiles in photos, to the overal DCON experience...it's been an incredible third day. I don't want it to end.

P.S. Also, this happened

Vid: http://alyssaquyn.tumblr.com/post/46493336671/wescwes-cnh-key-club-district-convention-2013 (turn your volume down for dis one)

RA Mr. Crawford proposed to RA Ms. Hofheins of another division during general session in front of 3,000 Key Clubbers as she was accepting an award. And She. Said. Yes. JFKDSAHKASDFHSDAKJFDS CUTEST THING OF MY LIFE OH MY GOSH <3

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.22.13

DCON 2013: Day 2

Ahhh, the very first picture of the Region 2 LTG-elects and our RA. The first of many pictures of the 5 of us to come throughout the year (Which possibly will be the nine of us when Region 1 joins us, making our BEEutiful Pseudo-Region 1.5 <3). 

Nick Lee, Marissa Gee, and Michael Kumera--we're going to have an amazing term! :DD

It was so nice to see my baby Red Bulls and Home Club <3 I really missed you all and and and I hope you all have an amazing time at DCON riding the MILLION waves of service :D

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.21.13

DCON 2013: Day 1

Well, let's start off chronologically since I did go to school today.

APUSH has shown me that I would really have loved the 1920's and the 1950's wooo~ Alas, visiting those time eras is not at all possible without a time machine, which I just recently loaned out to my friend. Oh shucks.

So in math yeah Idk what's going on in this class anymore like I was doing my Hunter-Gatherer for Key Club LOL OTL

And then during lunch I finished my Hunter-Gatherer WOO >:D

After that, I anxiously waited in Chem for my parents to come get me. Got out of the quiz which was cool. Would have failed anyways, despite Anya and Sam's inventive way of studying Strong Acids and Bases. Guys what the fuck are we learning/doing in Chem? T~T

AND THEN ONWARD TO AMTRAK TO BEGIN MY DCON JOURNEY FHKJSAHFDKSAHFDSAK. 

It was a day full of excitement and meeting new faces and fangirling and hugging and face-to-name memorizing, and...training. Not as terrible as everyone puts it out to be, but not nearly as fun as meeting all 73 of us elects. Lotito is not as erm....scary as I had originally assumed. But she is still intimidating .___.

Training, training, training, training, pizza and carpet picnic for dinner, training, training, training, training, finally go up to our rooms at about midnight.

Though I didn't really elaborate very much, it's been an incredible first day of DCON.

And here are some pictures ^w^

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.20.13

Before I start.. JKAHGDUSHFUSFHDSK DCON TOMORROW I CNA'T FJKSDHFKDS T~T AHHH SOBBING

So, ish a Lab day, and my more preferable once since Mads <3

What are we even doing in math o.o I guess I tend to stop paying attention once I realize that I get this. Allotta....I don't understand why my grade isn't going up. I've gotten A's on your plethora of tests and quizzes for this section PLUS I've actually been finishing my homework -__- TRYING WITHOUT PROGRESS IS THE REASON WHY I STOP TRYING SOMETIMES................ But really, it's been like this for a month..It can't be that hard to raise my current grade to a higher one -__- Please, just give me like 5% and I will be happy T~T

School stresses me out holy fuck OTL

Anyways, I love Mads okay like it's just great. I honestly don't remember what we did but it's always great. I'm making the safe assumption that we sang XD ANd I have my music memorized which is always very great. Making music, not just notes.

It's Melody's last meeting hfkjhfdks T~T crycry </3 And that Year-In-Review video all my buckets of creys T^T I'm so proud of all the dedicated RBKC members and all we've accomplished this year <3

APEL LOL. So our class schedules were supposed to be checked with us by our counselors. So basically a pretend-to-do-work-but-really-just-chill day in the Bronco Center. Once again, for the third time, they didn't get to me and I have to come in at another time -__-

Happy birthday my beautiful wifey Gopika <3 I love you so much ^-^ Hope you enjoy the diabetes from all those sweets haha XD But really, have a special day becuase you're really amazing and you put up with my bad work ethic and I remind you of shit you need to do >:D

Oh yeah and after school I went back in forth from watching Stephan build of SciOly in the build room and waiting for Mrs. G to come back so I could make up the lab. Ended up leaving school at almost 4 wow -__- And on a Lab day, too OTL

Home=BS homework and packpackpack ermergerd DCON IS TOMORROW JFKDHKJSHFDKJDSA :DD

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.19.13

The reason why I procrastinate doing these sometimes, especially during busy days/weeks, is because they take up a decent chunk of my night. I mean a majority of these are lengthy rants about all the little things.

With that being said..

Dear Future Self,

If you plan to go back and read these in the future, just know that that the past like 2 weeks are all procrastinated posts; therefore, not very thought-out .__. And oh well fuck that I mean it's been school shit this whole time--that never really changes..

Anyways, moving along.

It's a Tuesday. The eff did I do today yeah I really don't remember...

But my mass calender says what I did later so I'll just write about that and we can forget about the school day who likes school anyways plz

So Mads sang National Anthem at 8th Grade Parent Night and singing in the Gym isn't actually all that bad d: So long as the audience is quiet.

But prior to singing we all were working the booth and yes, choir will cheer and applaud for every positive little thing. I love it it's great XD

And then after was rehearsal. God my voice has been so tired lately. Not dead/loosing voice, just tired. Like it takes more-than-should-be-necessary effort to sound good ugh no OTL

But rehearsal was really fun ^-^ Despite the fact that I'm standing in my least favorite type of standing place (which is in the middle section, on the top riser, with a blaring 1st soprano next to my ear) I really like singing with all women parts, like in the actual classroom and not just once before a concert. I only had a semester of this atmosphere and I miss that sometimes.

So Gabby is a bundle of adorable <3 And Zach and Carlos are supes cute like essay Starbucks dates and kisses in the car i can't too cute d'aawwhh.

Yeah that's all this is already significantly lengthy without even talking about school guys I like to rant.

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.18.13

Look at the cute little pixelated panda Christine made for me ^w^ sho cute, just like her.

Anyways idk what to put here. Like I found a picture instead of a bland text post that should be enough for today XD

So like....APUSH Midterm.... Meh. Looked at my grade and I managed to pass and I was like wtf wow okay thank the heavens <3

Also thanking Jeffery for helping me with chem. Would have failed that test so badly without the help. I mean I didn't get an amazing grade but I didn't fail and that should count for something..right? crycry I'm trying T~T 

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.17.13

GLORIA INEXCELSIS DEOOOOOOOO~ AND THOUSANDS OF AMENS

Yes, today Mads performed The Gloria and the Cantique at Poway PAC. Which is a beautiful place remind me to get that for something sometime....pwease that would be amazing fjkdshfkjds using those facilities...yas good

So Zach came over early and I was like no don't make me leave my bed. Either that or I was singing in the shower and Zach was like dat voice plz. HAHAHHA OTL Either way that's kinda odd...

SO LIKE HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY MELODY <3 I HOPE YOU LIKE THE RICE BAG LOLOLOL :DD

Anyways, performance. Instead of lounging around for over an hour like last year, we got to go up into the house and watch the performance. That was nice (: You're nice. Their pianist was really great. Friedrichs said our singing was amazing as always. LOL dat orchestra.... mm.. I don't know enough about musical instruments..but I do know a thing or two about pitch and .__.

But, still fun experience. Why are we doing it? Idk for the experience of doing it .__. Last year was better--not gonna lie--but oh well XP

You know what's really fun? House shopping when it's not your house you're looking for. Seeing all the glam and cheesy kindness without the pressure of "ermergerd this could be our future house we'll live here for years and years omg fghjfkjshfkdshd"

I do not get this chance often so yeah fun times ^w^

I think i gave up and just kinda slept for the rest of the day. Or went onto interwebs. Whatever I spend my time doing d:

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

Do it with passion, or don't do it at all

Life Philosophy (somewhat explains homework..)

03.16.13

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.15.13

Idk the calender says there was a quiz in Nellos. I think that was just the take home quiz though...

Guys Nellos is proud of me cuz I get stuff and I'm doing my homework for the most part! Benefits of retaking a class.... -__-

Guys just don't do badly the first time around. Almost everyone I know will not have this problem but yeah d:

Idk wat do.

Ish a Friday which are cool because WEEKEND.

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.14.13

Idk school school school. Ish a Thursday but it feels like a Friday since the schedule is all weird.

People, not gonna lie, it pisses me off there's still another day of school OTL

So tbh all I have on the calender is Pre-Calc test. This stuff is supes ez omg love it <3 Allotta is just like, yeeee good job you get this shit and Raj and I are like fuck yeeeah XD

Yeeup....that's exactly how it is in Pre-Calc. That diction choice and everything.

So becuase that's all I remember, yeeah okay here's a topic: cuss/curse words. Who decided this shit? Why is "fuck" that bad word you can fucking place wherever the fuck you want to fucking place it? Noun, verb, adjective,   everything--such a special word indeed. But really, why are these certain words regarded as such foul language? I guess I prefer colorful language. Becuase honestly, if you lightly sprinkle it in, it actually can make an impact. I read somewhere that when people heard cuss words verses normal words, cuss words registered in the more emotional part of the brain, verses the logical area that normal words register in. (I'm kinda going off on a tangent so please forgive the whole....the fuck is she saying stage .___.)

Anywhore, you think I've used this shit too fucking much? What the hell, you can't say shit about what I type.

See, that was an example of too much. Like, no thank you get your angry, uneducated self out of here you pompitous fuckface.

And that, is a better example.

The point is that with moderation, things normally regarded as bad and shameful can be twisted into usage. And not too shabby usage indeed.

Yeah I am tired and I fucking apologize.

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.13.13

Double 13 in the date ohhh nooooez.

So thank you to sophomores that are taking the CAHSEE <3 Becuase of y'all, I have been eating breakfast XD

So Zach picked me up and we mosied on over to The Original Pancake House, which I call OHOP even though it's actually OPH. We met up with Meldoy, Gautam, Amy, and Sam (oh and college kid and I've kinda forgotten who that was by now....sorry bro).

We ate and talked and it was good and why would you ever choose Denny's over OHOP (unless it's late at night and you're celebrating something?)

Yeeee

Now idk the rest of my day tbqh. I just know it was a 1-3-5 Lab Day.

Here look at these cam whores <3

weeeee~

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.12.13

Soo, look at this beautiful homemade cinnamon roll and gourmet hot chocolate. And thanks to the courtesy of Miss Gloria Yehilevsky inviting us into her humble abode, plus her acts of labor, resulted in a very nice morning ^w^

Zach drove me to her house and we watched her make the cinnimon rolls and the concept is basically if it has that much butter in it, it's good. And more butter is never a bad thing XD Paula Deen status right there.

Lizzie joined us a wee bit later and we all dined and I think I'm gonna have a heart attack LOLOLOL. But really, it was delicious >:D

Mmm this picture is typical Alyssa Quy: delicious food atop of unfinished homework.

So yeah honestly, like I said...all these late post I don't remember my day in detail. All I know is it was a 2-4-6 Lab Day and can we have more weeks like this I really love having free mornings and then just three hours of class. It's really great XD

Yeah okay and then like tonight there was a woman's rehearsal and and and Paige is powerhouse and I love it XD Hahaha...so yeah...memorized by next week? Heh.. we'll see .__.

[365daysofalykaiin2013]

03.11.13

Okay so I've gone backwards with my days to gt these last two weeks or so updated...and this is the last one...and I just kinda wanna finish....

meeerrr can I be done now OTL

Okay so Mondays are just hard becuase you miss the weekend but at least i get to see nice faces that's fun [thumbs up]

School School School ugh it makes me want to just quit like omg it's not even the school part like I love my classes but the homework and the busy work can we just not?

Mmmm...

So I got dropped off at school for Pasta Dinner and hey hey guess what? Mads sang there .__. Why else would I be here tbh... (unless Mads, RBMC, or KC is gonna be there...most likely I won't be d: Sad truth okay -__-) So we sang Yesterday and Zach and I did solos and congrats I didn't forget the words. Idk I really love attention but I also get really nervous and I kinda don't at the same time... It's a very conflicting emotion thingy... Yeah..

We also sang Seasons of Love which isn't all that bad acapella (:

THEN WE ATE PASTA WOOO I LIKE FOOD ISH GREAT >:D Lizzie sand and Not-Pentatonix sang and it was all really great. I still wish I cold have seen the other acts *cough Gabby and Amanda and Chermaine cough*

However, we had to rush off to rehearsal. Zach drove Mo and I and Imad drives the fastest and Gloria was ahead of us but somehow we got there before them and Emily and Corey got lost and were late yeeeaaahhh. Idk even.

Oh btw this is the Gloria rehearsal. There are lots of Mads things this week .___.

My voice is already like tired what do. Oh well.

Is this the night where Zach dropped off Mo first and then we ended up staying there for like an hour? I think so. LOL yeah XD What were we there for? Food? Musicians' Club stuff? Both, go with both XD Hahaha yeah.

Then Zach drove me home and I derped around then bed yes done publishpublishpublish all post XD