Overall I have a lot of problems with the circus show and its cast and crew and the fandom
But fucking hell that was the most gut wrenching portrayal of a suicidal trans woman I’ve ever seen besides ISTTVG
The idea that there’s a version of pre-transition me stuck somewhere that they can’t transition, can’t talk about it, hates herself so much that she pushes away anyone that could’ve helped her
And then she just gives up because it’s too painful, the same way I’ve thought of doing so many times before
And she was so close to getting there, that scene when she gets the bow and has maybe the first rush of gender euphoria ever, and maybe is able to accept that’s she’s a girl who maybe likes girls but then is so ashamed and has so much internalised transmisogyny that she rejects it so hard she pushes everyone away
Like I’m glad there’s a real version of her that has support and will probably transition but it just reminds me so much of how I wish I could go back in time and tell that girl who hated herself and refused any attempt at getting better or closeness with anyone that she could be a girl, that she wasn’t disgusting and useless, instead of having to wait years to be herself
And yeah honestly I’m embarrassed that this dumb cartoon show made by people I don’t really care for and for a fandom I mostly despise got this emotional a reaction out of me
But when a trans woman makes a piece of fiction that explores transfeminine trauma I can’t help but get a little fucked up about it
If jax is supposed to be a self insert I do genuinely hope gooseworx is doing well