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[probablycthulhurpgideas]

@probablyinflationrpgideas

I don’t know if your blog is about rising prices balloons or the kink and I am too afraid to check

[3ch-0]

they killed them

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: We’re playing a homebrew campaign and our group - a half-elf wizard, an elf sorcerer, and me, an air genasi monk - come across a primordial godbeast in an ancient forest.

DM: “(Monk), roll an arcanum check, because you may recall what this creature is from your studies.”

Me: *rolls a nat 2*

Me: *dorps my head on the table* I don’t know shit!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

The gore pile

So I recently started a campaign of 5e (I’m DMing) and I started my players in an evil necromancers dungeon. One thing led to another and half the party ended up in a gore pile.

Wizard(OOC): I’ve still got no shirt on right?

DM(Me): Yeah.

Wizard(OOC): Cool! Can I start an orgy with the others?

Rogue(OOC): Hell yeah!

DM: Please don’t start an orgy in the pile of gore.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Can Necrophillia be a flaw?”

said the parties Necromancer five minutes before getting Inspiration for good roleplaying.

[wydcae]

“I’ll fuck anything that breathes and he’ll fuck anything that doesn’t.”

— Our Cleric in responce to questions about his characters sexuality and immediately calling out the monk that we all believe to be a necrophiliac. (via yourplayersaidwhat)

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Me (the GM) and one of my players got a bit side tracked talking about werewolf’s. and then this line is said.

Druid (OOC) : this is dnd not furry sex simulator 2017

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“I try to build a barricade with one roll of duct tape”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

First D&D campaign is going off to a completely nonsensical start, to the chagrin of our DM. I tell the group I’m going to go and get my dice, and when I come back I hope to see everything a bit more sensical. The players are in a tavern.

A minute later, I walk back just in time to hear “You roll a natural 20 on looting dead children”.

[wydcae]

“There’s a fine line between heroism and arson.”

— Our Artificer (via yourplayersaidwhat)

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Damn Fine Police Work

Context: In a dark heresy campaign, my Iron Hands techmarine had just shot off the sword arm of an enemy officer charging me with a chainsword. I then crushed his other hand so he couldn’t fight back and dangled him upside down by the foot with my servo arm, attempting to interrogate him for information. At this point the officer is bleeding profusely out of both arms and what little blood is left in him is rushing to his head. My character is heavily augmented with cybernetics and takes a large penalty on any ‘charisma’ based interactions with anyone who is not.

Me (ooc): “I want to ask this guy about enemy troop locations in the area so we have an idea of what we’re up against.”

*critically fails the intimidation check*

DM: “You begin screaming incoherently while shaking him up an down with your servo arm. The mental strain he goes through trying to understand your nonsense while hanging upside down gives him a brain aneurysm and he dies on the spot.”

Me: “Apothecary! I require your skills to revive this important fleshling!”

Blood Angel Apothecary (successfully using his bone drill to perform complex brain surgery): “Don’t you die on me, human! I must kill you myself! The emperor demands it!”

DM: “The officer regains consciousness with the apothecary’s drill still lodged in his skull and immediately begins screaming in pain and fear.”

Me: “Cease your whimpering, scum! Tell us what we want to know!”

*fails another intimidation check*

DM: “The officer, not even knowing what it is you want from him, abandons all hope and begins begging for death. He promptly runs out of blood and dies. Again. No amount of “first aid” can bring him back.

Me (gently poking his corpse to see if he’s still alive): “Hmm…Perhaps I was not frightening enough. I will take this into consideration for future interrogations.“ 

Our Squad’s Devastator (who has a notably higher ‘charisma’ than everyone else and just watched the whole ordeal unfold): "Hey guys? Not to rain on your torture parade or anything, but uhh… I think I should handle the prisoners from now on.”

The apothecary and I disagreed.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

This was our first session, the characters’ first meeting, and first fight in a tavern. Our bard and druid are pacifists.

Rogue: I’m going to get him down on the floor. And then non-lethally take my dagger and put it through his arm so it is pinning him to the floor.

GM: Jesus Christ.

Bard and druid: Oh my god!

Ranger: Do it on his hand, it’s thinner.

[cattgirl]

d&d is great I just tried to slam a guy with a two-handed maul and missed, swinging into the floor I roll for damage against the floor bc of course I do. I roll high. The tiles are crushed to bits As a free action, I grab a handful of floor gravel and shovel it into my mouth and straight up eat it in an intimidation attempt My combat opponent is horrified. I get +2 to hit him next turn

[groake]

I fought an opponent who had an eye patch. I used Mage Hand to pick up his eye patch and move it to his other eye.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

The ultimate Quest for beauty

Our GM is considering a new DND campaign centered around fighting the monsters Beholders.

one or our players: “ Oh! I know what I’d play!”

GM: “ Ok, shoot”

Player: “ I would play a priest of the god of beauty! My quest in life it to fight a beholder and cut out its eye!”

GM: “…sure.. but why?”

Player:-snickering- “ Because my friend, beauty is in the eye of the beholder”

GM: “Get out,  games cancelled, you stop”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Dm: why do you want to kill the mayor so bad? Wizard: can’t you see? I can reanimate him into my own fancy meat puppet and we can own this fucking town

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: First time being a DM. The party is standing infront of an ancient statue of a god.

Cleric: I’m gonna lick it. Bard: Don’t lick it. Cleric: I AM GOING TO LICK IT! Archer: I know where that tongue was last night and that statue doesn’t want your tongue to touch it! Cleric: I roll to lick the statue! (Rolls a one) DM: You attempt to lick the statue, but fall and bit your tongue in half. You are now mute.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

"So this lich is giving us a guided tour of the most dangerous dungeon in this world?"

[Mild Curse of Strahd spoilers]

So our party is investigating the Amber Temple in Barovia, when our chaotic good (emphasis on the former, as the latter changes at the end of this story) cleric Rokas accidentally discovers a lich who has lost his memories. She fails her roll to know what a lich is.

DM: So yeah, you basically just think this skeleton dude is pretty chill.

Rokas: I’m gonna cast Greater Restoration on the lich

The lich regains his memories and is super grateful to us for helping him, so when we ask about the weird voices we had all heard (which we found were the temples evil spirits reaching out to us), he volunteered to show us all the tombs

DM: you know… I really see no reason why he wouldn’t show you all the treasure, too.

We ended up getting ALL the loot from the temple, and three of the four of us (including the cleric) ended up making deals with the evil spirits. This included our wizard making a deal to become a vampire - he just had to kill someone who revered him and be killed by someone who hated him.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Are you sure you're okay with this?

Context: I play a Nagaji Druid and me and our Human Warpriest have to get some guy’s head for a faction quest. We’re also playing with a Paladin, Wizard, Summoner, and a Slayer. We come across said guy at the end of our dungeon.

Warpriest(IC): Oi, we need your face!

Me(IC): Wait can I roll Survival to skin it off his body?

Warpriest(IC): I don’t see why not.

Me(IC): Can I wear it?

Wizard(IC): *turns to look at our Paladin* How do you feel about two of our comrades over there (*points at us*) discussing cutting someone’s face off and wearing it?