every day i feel more and more like i'm a multiple. they won't tell me their names, but concepts are appearing. i've said "we" more times than i can count by accident, and tbh I'm scared of identifying as a multiple (because of other people) and maybe that's why they won't tell me their names. was there ever a time when you felt the same? I've no idea what to talk about but i'm hoping some sort of talk could help somehow.
wow, what a very personal and oddly nostalgic message.
i did once/we did once very much feel the same way. there was a time in which i thought i was alone, a single entity, in a cold dark room alone, with vague echoes of personalities i couldnt understand or interact with. they would mumble or speak and i considered them the background noise of the mind, the kind everyone had.
this was not the case as you’d expect. never at the beginning of the presence was i told names, even if i begged to know before they faded away into my unconscious or simply “go elsewhere”. some names i still dont know, they switch, replace themselves in my memory, i cannot understand which name is the real name. it’s strange, sometimes you will never know the name, sometimes they will tell you, sometimes you will live in a between world in which you do and do not know their name.
i don’t mean to be theatric, i’m just being honest. anyway, as time passed expressions, forms, names, and memories have been given to me by everyone. i cannot grapple with a sense of validity, i choose to accept their presence at this point. i once feared being a multiple, that i couldnt be, i was just “making it up”, “following a trend”, “playing pretend” anything like that.
when i thought about it critically though i realized i’ve always had the “symptoms” for lack of a better word for being a multiple. about a year ago my core hivemind split in half to reveal a literal goddess and a literal demon, both of us have rationalized to be the core personality control since we were about 5 years, really becoming aware of our actions at 9 or 10.
so it turns out we’d been a multiple since a very early time, but had no clue. looking back, it seems obvious. painfully obvious. and i accept it. and i encourage acceptance. denial will cause you to suffer. the suffering from denial is unimaginable for me now, but the suffering i endure as a multiple is also painful.
“pain? suffering? how? isn’t it all smiles and hugbox happiness? aren’t you basically with friends in your head 24/7?”
this is where i cough into the microphone and look directly at you, and then i laugh nervously, briefly, and say: no.
one of us, the demon, his mortal life was miserable, short and highly toxic. dragging poison through whatever form he fucking lives, dragging it here like black sludge all over a marble floor. it’s disgusting, we’re traumatized from something we already lived, we’ve died and yet we’ve never died, memories of watching your own body bloat and the pain beforehand exist in vague puffs that we can barely comprehend. it’s impacted our waking life in this world in ways you can’t imagine, and ways i cannot talk to you about beyond the chronic anxiety i have over these thoughts and memories.
it’s a choice, you can make this choice, to unlock the pandora’s box of being alive and challenge your very existence with the presence of headmates, and WE wouldnt trade it for anything. we can push the boundaries of reality and comprehend so much more, separate or as a hivemind, even if we know that someday we will have to be away from eachother, and that some of us are actually very disconnected, and being away is ok. we hate eachother, we love eachother, it’s unlike anything, the acceptance of the situation.
so you have a matrix like issue in front of you: blue pill, you essentially treat your developing headmates with aggressive denial (blocking development via denial) or passively deny them and continue to comprehend your image 100% as a singlet would despite the development of headmates. red pill, you can consciously interact and be aware of your headmates, form relationships, and challenge your existence.
really depends on what you all want. no matter which one you pick you won’t like everything you find, but i suggest the redpill experience because denying your state of being is never healthy. good luck!
