dear diary

all that noise inside your head

[3o1am]

That poor man died and everyone is circulating the video and stitching it together from every angle to figure out if he "deserved it". It's vile and grotesque. And the worst part is that it genuinely feels necessary on some level because if we can't say with certainty what happens people are completely willing to lie and spin whatever suits them. If I haven't seen it with my own eyes I can't trust anyone to accurately or truthfully convey the information at all.

[3o1am]

Things just...keep getting worse and worse. I am so scared. I want a peaceful resolution. How can this keep happening?

[3o1am]

The world at large feels cold and cruel right now but me and the people around me are full of so much love and hope and planning for all good things in the future.

[3o1am]

We got engaged 💖

[3o1am]

I'm not doing good in my brain rn lol. I am so miserable and angry and sad and tired. I'm scared that everything is only going to get worse from here on out. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

[3o1am]

I don't know quite how to articulate the sentiment but like...I'm so tired of people who make hating stuff their whole personality? Like they engage with media they hate specifically to hate on it. It makes you seem like a miserable person. It's exhausting. I used to be friends with someone who was negative about everything all the time and I literally didn't realize how draining that was until I didn't have to listen to her bitching about everything always.

like don't get me wrong I also love to complain sometimes but holy shit. you have to leave room for joy too.

[3o1am]

I wish you didn't have to go. I don't feel like being all by myself and you're the best company there is.

[3o1am]

A bad day is only a bad day

A bad day is not a sign that you're returning to how things used to be

[3o1am]

It's really impressive how some people can totally rewrite history to make themselves look like the victim of something :) Like. I'm not perfect either and I wish I'd handled things better but the narrative you went with where everything is all my fault somehow despite how you consistently treated me is cool I guess? You wished bad things for me, you hated hearing about it when I was happy and you'd make me feel guilty for having a good time with other people. I couldn't talk about our other dear friend because you blew up at him too when he met his boyfriend and you said hateful shit to him and dropped him completely. I read your messages. Spending time with you was hard sometimes because you never wanted to DO anything with me it always felt like you just wanted me to be your audience. And you developed some opinions about stuff and talked about things that made me uncomfortable. I genuinely think we grew apart and while there was really no part of me that wanted to hurt your feelings, I was trying to be so careful my words that whole time and all you did was lash out at me and try your hardest to make me feel like shit. You were mean and possessive of me, and you were ALWAYS a little mean and very possessive of me. And I did feel like shit. You're right that I didn't want to be friends with you anymore, but that was for me and for my peace. I didn't think you were horrible or evil, I just didn't...feel close anymore. It was okay for me to feel that way. It didn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I don't really miss you which is how I know I made the right choice for me. I mean sometimes I do reminisce of course, sometimes I remember good times and I talk about you like an old friend whenever I have memories to share. I defend you. But sure yeah, you can tell everyone I'm a shitty person and what happened between us is I ditched you because I met my boyfriend, sure, that's what happened.

🙄

[3o1am]

There's something about him that just..makes me feel so peaceful. I want that peace all the time.

[3o1am]

I'm scared that I'm really as bad as I think I am. I'm scared that everyone thinks about me the way I think about myself. I'm scared that everyone is going to leave me alone.

[3o1am]

why can't I just be better

[3o1am]

I started taking antidepressants.

I have a weird mix of shame and disappointment in myself about it but I don't think that's very logical. So far I don't think I like it much, it makes me feel kinda weird but I'm still getting used to it. I hope things get better. I started waking up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night having panic attacks, even sleeping next to my boyfriend, and that's...just not acceptable. So. I think it was needed. But I'm not exactly very happy about it.

[3o1am]

"5 years ago I woke up that Friday morning and I didn't know you yet. And then today, 5 years after that afternoon, we woke up here together in the same bed."

5 years.

I love you. 💖

[3o1am]

I'm going to take a hot bath and read my book after work. My boss brought me a homemade lunch from the dinner she made last night just for me to try just because I said it sounded yummy and to enjoy. I'm in a warm cozy sweater and I'm not busy and there's nothing here to stress about.

Trying to find a little happiness in that. Those are some very nice things that I could be happy about.

[3o1am]

There's just something really wrong in my brain right now and I'm not entirely sure how to fix it. Like...I am having a really hard time finding the joy in life during the average week. I travel to see my boyfriend every weekend and it's honestly literally devastating every time I have to go home. I have the best time there. We have a good routine and we do all sorts of stuff together and it's just very peaceful. We're going as fast as we can trying to close the distance, I mean there's only so much you can do when you need a job offer before you can start, but...I just feel a little bit stuck in my situation and I'm struggling looking at the state of the world right now to see the joy anywhere else. It's just very hard to be an average person living in the world I think.

And I struggle with wanting to lean on my boyfriend. When I'm like this I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and genuinely just being in the same room as him and doing our own things is so helpful. I just wish I didn't have so much spare time to sit around and think about how bummed out I am. Work doesn't keep me busy. I drive for hours alone each weekend...

And I don't even mind the drive! Once winter is over it'll be warm and sunny in a way that actually shines off the water and the trees are green and everything is lush and beautiful...it's a perfectly lovely drive. It's just when I'm headed back that I have a hard time because I'm so sad and I'm alone and I can't really reach out to anyone since I'm at the wheel so it's too much time to just think and think and think. I called him last weekend just sobbing because I was overthinking about something he said as I was leaving and after two hours I couldn't take it anymore and just called, but it's so embarassing that I did that. It's so embarassing and stupid that I cry every time but I'm just so ready to not be saying goodbye all the time. I'm excited not to be living out of a suitcase, to stop leaving my stuff on his floor every weekend and then shoving it all back in a bag and going away again.

Anyway this is a big ramble. I just need things to feel a little less hard soon. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me but there's a small piece of me that feels like I need to get it together or else he's gonna get tired of me..and I don't want that to happen. I'm not used to being able to lean on someone...and knowing that he wants me to be able to lean on him at least a little doesn't help...not that no one has ever been there for me or anything, just...my mental health struggles have always kind of been just mine to handle. My parents had their hands full growing up and I wouldn't say I was "the good one" or anything like that but I was relatively self sufficient and managed myself because if I didn't no one else would really be paying attention.

[3o1am]

It's very hard to sleep when I can't rest my head on your chest and feel you breathing in and out. That gentle rhythm alone does so much to lull me to sleep...