Today I admitted that I don’t find enjoyment out of really anything anymore. I just go along with it and wait for it to be over so I can go back to doing nothing. And I literally mean nothing. My phone isn’t interesting anymore. Netflix isn’t. Music screams louder in my head than they ever could in headphones. All I can seem to do is sit and do nothing. The floor calls my name more often than it should and it should be never. How the fuck is this living? It’s not. It’s existing. And it’s sad. And heartbreaking. Awful. Horrible. Tormenting. Terrorizing.
My mind is my own nightmare. Worse than any dream could be. I don’t think I could be hitting these keys any harder. I’m so pissed, frustrated, upset, mad, sad, angry, scared. What happens next? Like honestly what? Because I genuinely have no fucking clue and I don’t know how to get the fuck out. All I’m finding are distractions. Not fulfillment.
I’m a fucking ball of anxiety, stress, depression, resentment, and anger. All while hoping and praying for the best for the world. I say I value compassion and kindness and then I just fucking judge people. I say I value trust, but I trust myself less and less every day. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
My mind just keeps screaming. It’s this need to do nothing and everything all at the same time and I don’t know how to process that. I want to run far away and never come back and at the same time I want to lay on the floor under the kitchen table in a blanket fort and block out the rest of the world and pretend that nothing’s happening. All I want to do is tell someone how I feel and at the same time I just want to pretend everything’s fine and just shove it all down. Because I feel fucking crazy.
I don’t want to burden anyone else. They didn’t ask for this. But I guess I didn’t either. I literally thought I was done feeling this way. What the fuck was college? Not that this is where it all started but it made everything like 100x worse.
And the worst part is that all throughout high school I perfected how to cry and break down and in minutes make it look like nothing had fucking happened. And that’s what I recoil into. And it terrifies me. I can walk around like everything is fucking peachy and inside just be dying.
I thought I would be happy by now. When I left Menards, I told myself to give it a couple months and I’d be good to go back to work. In college I told myself when I get out, I can be okay again. In high school I told myself that as soon as I got out of that house, I would be okay. But I’m out of all of that and all I can think is that I’m the worst I’ve ever been.
And it fucking sucks. Because I have friends, great friends. An awesome boyfriend. And all I could think when I was out with them was when can I escape because my chest feels like it’s going to implode and then so am I. But maybe I already have.
Today I related to the Joker laughing maniacally. What? How could anyone relate to that and still be sane? It’s like I understood the urge to just let it all out. But I guess there is a difference, I want to do good in this world. But how can I change the world when I can’t even change myself?
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