my nickname is 4 (Four)! (it/it's, they/them; but flexible with other gendered pronouns formed from nouns: bro, girly etc) haven't been diagnosed but i'm good at hiding it and really don't want the diagnosis. i have struggled with food from a young age. this is not my first time here, but i tend to disappear a lot, so we'll see how this goes and how long i'll be here.
asks are open! /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\
i am vegan! also bipolar. goth irl.
this is firstly an ed blog. i will not post explicit media (pictures, videos etc) connected to other sensitive topics, only my own thoughts, but will correctly give warnings where really needed. there will be numbers, but probably no body checks. it is not my goal to trigger anyone, i'm just here to find peace in my struggle.
i will block anyone/-body that i sense doesn't need to be in/have access to my space, as i have very strong opinions on many relevant topics, ideologies and worldviews. find a problem with me? block me before i block you and the issue will disappear (i promise)!
MINORS & non-ed blogs DNI !
tw: ed, sh, mh, substances, stupid thoughts, etc
st4ts & more abt me below↓ 3 personal tags!
age: 21 height: 173/5'8
hw: 68kg/149.9lbs (2019)
nrmlw: 62kg-58kg
lw: 51.8kg/114.2lbs (in adulthood)
cw: 53.4/177.7 (BMI: 17.9; sbmi: 28) (28.03)
gw: 44kg/97lbs
ugw: sbmi 4 (40.7kg/89.7lbs; bmi 14)
25.03-5.05 masterplan link #masterplan★
daily diary entries #4's diary★
all other bullshit #2248★
goals:
54 → lingerie set (28.03)
53 → humidifier
52 → purple clothes
51 → chanson vanilla
50 → zoologist bat
49 → ???
in my childhood i always felt guilty when eating. it was tied to my family's financial situation. later i didn't really have the time either and pretty much since that i don't really get along with food. i made it look like i had eaten when in fact i did only when watched. i didn't know it was wrong and i didn't know it had a name or that it would pretty much ruin the rest of my life.
hard training and straight As at school, my biggest wish was to disappear. around the age of 13 me and my teammates talked about liking the feeling of hunger, and how it drives us, how it makes us want to work harder in sports and in school. it was a motivator of a masochistic origin. even before that i couldn't think of hunger as a bad thing and that little convo made it all into a mindset.
i have always been pretty skinny so everyone thought that was just my baseline. in 2019 i enrolled in a sports school (HS) and everything was horrible! we were weighed every week, so i found comfort in food. living on campus was horrible! our coach??? f him. i left and during lockdown started going on 'casual' 10 km runs. i did everything and got back to being how i always had been: over exercised, tired, skinny, accomplished, social and lively.
i was diagnosed with bipolar II in 2021. during my first ever major manic episode/ 2 month long mania i convinced myself i didn't need anything material (food, water, money, personal belongings, friends) and it (ed) got worse than ever. i had convinced myself that my thoughts had no limits and that they're all-powerful. i fed off of my thoughts and my thoughts convinced me that i didn't need food.
just before the last time i was hospitalised (for extreme sui thoughts, in june 2025) i had lost a lot of weight. within a couple of months (bad breakup) i lost about 15 kgs and now... i can't get the fact, that i was so close to my ugw, out of my head. i even lost a couple kgs while i was in the hospital, but nobody seemed to care (i am vegan, so i couldn't eat even if i wanted to lmao).
it's difficult not to be seen and liking it, but not to be heard and hating that. i don't want to grow, i don't want most things to change and i certainly don't want to be a failure. i hate that i've been everywhere yet i'm still stuck here. what. the. fuck.
i am determined to get to my ugw cause i really need a win in life rn. my life has ruined me for myself.
i have the dedication, I just don't have the motivation to be dedicated and also because nothing really matters because the universe is cooling down and with the end of the whole spacetime our planet is also nearing its end, not to mention I really don't know if I can live with this debilitating disorder lol
my meds actually helped and I can go to places and do stuff like a normal human being. still no bus rides for me though, too many people squished into a small space. even thinking about it makes me hyperventilate
I've had a lot of mixed state days and I'm just trying to survive. the weather is as bipolar as I am and thAT'S NOT HELPING. please let's not turn this into a fast cycling period.
anyway 53.6 yay even though I have let myself go a bit.
