i know itās fuck the male gaze or whatever but damn , 20 years and aināt nb at least even told me they had a crush on me.
and dude iām talking to is throwing ātwinā in every sentence like okay damn , i get it. You donāt see me in that way and itās cool.
and idk if iām being dramatic but i kinda feel dirty now like i let us do all that thinking you at least thought it was going somewhere and whole time you just wanted the friendship with the benefits.
and thatās what i wanted too but in my whole 20 years of life i have never been able to be in control like that. To be the one that people have a crush on not the one that has the crush.
idk man iām just sad because going from āhe definitely likes meā to ā he clearly wants to stay friendsā is having me question what tf iām doing wrong, like is there something wrong with me. Why when he gets to know me now heās making it more clear that we will never be. I just feel disgusting. Like iām just disgusting.
I finally thought shit was changing like damn someone actually likes me , like iām actually getting XP point FINALLY after 19 years but no , another year passes with no love interest, no one giving me flowers or gifts or compliments or genuine interest in me.
Iām just so over being the duff in the group and it hurts more now that i actually find myself beautiful because why doesnāt any one else see it.