twentysomething.

[urbanrealism]

[722crw]

It’s Literally Taking Everything In Me Not To Call You Right Now

Received an e-mail from my landlord that was ominous and it has me slightly completely freaking out. I’m trying to reign in my panic because it could be nothing but...

Usually this wouldn’t be out of the ordinary, I e-mail with my landlord, especially around this time when rent is due soon. However whatever needs to be said/worked out is always laid out within the e-mail. This one just said for me to call her. She gave me her number, which I never had the whole 3&half years since I’ve lived at my place. The e-mail was sent last night but I didn’t get it until tonight. I wrote her back but didn’t call because I figured it would be too late. 

It could be anything. There have been some problems with the pipes/water system lately so it could be something in regards to that? Rent is due on the 1st but maybe she’s gonna be gone for the New Year? Idk. I feel like those are all things she could put in an e-mail. I only received one email. When I didn’t respond today she didn’t send another, so it might not be urgent...

I’m doing pretty good so far in quelling down an anxiety attack but the first reaction was, I need you. Which I guess is to be expected/isn’t that surprising. 

It’s just that, I stupidly thought, I was past this point.

Last week when my dad had another seizure, the first one since we broke up I automatically thought “I need to hear his voice, I need to hear his voice so I know things will be okay.” But by the end of the night I was okay. It was a knee-jerk reaction and I felt really depressed that I couldn’t go to him anymore when things like this happen but I was okay. 

But now the need is a lot  stronger, even though this could be a silly over-reaction to nothing. But I hate it. I hate this. This is the first time since ending it that I really wished I could go to you, no questions asked, no explanations and just be with you. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more relief in my life than the night I called you from the emergency room and you did everything you possibly could do to be there for me. You tried to physically be there but you couldn’t find anyone to stay with your daughter so you stayed on the phone with me until I used up all the juice and it eventually died. After I came back home at 12:30 am (and after a big fight with my parents) you stayed on the phone with me until 2 in the morning while I cried my eyes out to you. Then the next day we both weren’t feeling too great. So I ditched work on my lunch and we met up and spent the rest of the day together. We walked along the pier and talked for hours. We went to my favorite beach and laid on the grass and talked about music all day. We drove around to pass the time. Then before I went home, we sat in your car as you told me that everything would be okay and how strong I was and I’ve been through so much that I could get through anything and  how even if other people don’t always see me, see the type of person I am, you did. 

That day meant so much to me. I don’t think you’ll ever truly know how much. 

And that was just one day.  We had so many days like this. So many days where we made each other better, stronger, closer, safer. 

Now I’m just like fuck. What did I do?

Did I make a mistake, did I fuck up?

[722crw]

My poor, poor heart, I know you’re tired of this all..

[kittenplaylist]

@sentient_meat 🌙

[wordsnquotes]

Sometimes, I’m the mess. Sometimes, I’m the broom. On the hardest days, I have to be both.

Rudy Francisco (via wordsnquotes)

[722crw]

It’s cruel at this point.

Don’t you think?

[mrsrjr]

[poems-she-wrote]

I promised I would stay, and I meant it, you were so happy that someone would finally stay. I stayed when everyone else couldn’t handle it anymore, I stayed when everyone said you were a mess. I stayed because I loved you. But now I had to leave, not because I couldn’t handle it anymore But because you didn’t want me there anymore.

I had to leave poems-she-wrote (via poems-she-wrote)

[722crw]

I don’t want to feel guilty for loving you. 

I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to be there.

I’ve asked you, “Is it that I’m I not enough? I feel like I’m not enough.” And every time you would say, “No of course not.” 

I wasn’t trying to save you, I know you have to do that on your own. I just wanted to be there for you because no one one was there for me. I had to do it alone. I would’ve given anything to have someone hold my hand through some of my toughest times when I was younger and couldn’t fully wrap my head around what was taking place. 

But I can only be there for someone who wants me to. If you push me away you can’t expect me not to go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. if you want me to go, I’ll go. I’m not a complicated person and as much as there’s a sense guilt in walking away I can only help someone that wants to be helped. 

I don’t want to feel shame for concern for your wellbeing. 

Or punishment for wanting you to be happy. 

I felt a lot of guilt for walking away. Like I had given up on you, when you had never given up on me. No matter how up and down we could be, when it mattered you were there.

But I know I gave everything I could. 

For whatever reasons, I always thought it was me.

But walking away this time, it’s different.

For the first time in 7 years, I feel free.

Because it was never me, it was always you.

[722crw]

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Let’s Call It Off (feat. Peter, Bjorn and John) - Drake

Did you agree? We should let it be, Did you agree? It’s a must, Let’s call the whole thing off.

[722crw]

[722crw]

[cwote]

[hedonist001]

[vjeranski]

[ggariba]

[722crw]

Where Did You Sleep Last Night? - WZRD

My girl, my girl, don’t lie to me...