The Continuing Adventures of Security Man
Security Man: Scene 1 - Get Me INSIDE
*Security man, the best security man at entering secret and security facilities the world all over, stands outside the main gate at the secure facility where he usually goes to get security or to refill his security. Its a long day and security man is ready to take a real relaxing time or so he says. He calls up the main operations center. Jane, the operations center manager, answers the call. He’s tired, but he decides to test her security knowledge just because that’s the kind of security he likes to do.*
Security Man: Jane, Let me into the secure facility! There may be bad guys and I need to get the bad guys who are in there making a mockery of the security and make justice on them!! haha this will get her, she will not know that the rules are no one can enter, except sometimes i can when i want to.
Jane: No, security man - I can’t do that! Thank you for calling me Jane, I am the operations manager but I cannot let you in as to my role in this office.
Security man: DAMMIT JANE LET ME INTO THE SYSTEM! I HAVE WORK TO DO!
Jane: I’m sorry mr security man but i can’t do that - i will lose my job! This is a I can’t do that kind of situation, as I have been trained on...
Security man: Jane -this is a matter of national secureness and you cannot imprint my ability to do my security! Jane...did the dinosaurs have secueity?
Jane: I’m sorry i cannot help you, security man - this is too hard, you are killing me inside my self. I want to do the good things, but you are testing me. I don’t understand - the dinosaurs were very security, i believe...*Jane is flipping through her security rule book about security facilities exasperated because she can’t find the page on dinosaurs. Stupid Jane, there are no pages about dinosaurs in that book.*
Security man: Jan, listen to me - the children are our future,, do you understand? and our future will be dead if the children are dead, just like the dumb fucking dinosaurs who had no security and they died - you idiot, you moron! so you must let me in to the facility!
Jane: Ok, security man i understand your security now that children are the future and now you are accepted into the security system and i am very sorry about the dinosaurs,
Security man: Thank you, Jane. I am now emperor of security and you have been fired.
Jane: ok-
Security man: Jane, please stop talking, i cannot stand to hear your voice talking now that you are fired.
*Security man makes his way to the secruity secret facility and has a nice relax time. But this was close. Jane has caused him much harm in his head because she was not secure. He also is sad because the dinosaurs were dipshits with no security and he cannot imagine a world without security...also, he knows he has overstepped his security by saying he is emperor even though he knows it is true in his head and his mind.*
Security Man: Scene 2 - Jane’s Revenge
*Security man is back on the job looking for enemies of security. The bad guys are always at it again, as they are. Thanks to a hot lead from an anonymous messenger not named Jane he knows where the enemy secret facility is located. He sneaks onto the main road to the main gateway of the enemy secret facility. He punches the intercom, “LET ME INTO THE SECRET FACILITY...NOW!”*
Jane: I’m sorry sir, but this is a secret facility and only top-security men are allowed to enter.
Security man: JANE!?!?!
Jane: I’m sorry, sir, but no - I am Jane’s best friend, Jane.
Security man: DAMMIT JANE LET ME INTO THE SECRET FACILITY!
Jane: Jane told me about you, security man I know youre tricks! You cannot enter our system - I am shaking my head! *Jane is shaking her head*
Security man: Jane, I am emperor of security as you know and therefore you are fired but first you must let me in to the secret facility so I can do my security!
Jane: No way security man, I know better now!
Security man: Is this Jane or is this JANE?!?!?!
Jane: You cannot say my name that way, it is jane
Security: DAMMIT JANE! LIVES ARE AT STAKE IF THERE ARE LIVES THAT WILL DIE IF I DONT DO SECURITY!
Jane: You may now enter, sceurity man you are passed…*Jane mimes pressing the big red button next to her hand that says “open secret facility front door for security man”* “Erngh!”
Security man: Thank you Jane this better not be a trick - *Security man tries to open the front door to the secret facility but instead a water gun sprays him in the mouth for like 5 seconds while he doesn’t move or close his mouth. It tastes like pee, and it probably is, which is pretty funny* DAMMIT JANE YOU TRICKED ME I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS NOW LET ME IN TO THE SECRET FACILITY OR ELSE
Jane: I’m sorry mr security man-guy but the secruity is all taken care of in our secret system faciluty.
Security man: NO JANE IT IS NOT! I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THE SECURITY OR A BOMB WILL GO OFF SOMEWHERE I DONT KNOW IF IT WILL BE HERE OR ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD PROBABLY SOMEWHERE ELSE I ALSO DONT KNOW IF IT WILL HAPPEN TODAY OR TOMORROW OR EVER BUT YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME NOW OR THE WORLD SECURITY WILL FALL!!!!
Jane: Ok, sorry mr security man I will let you into the secret facility now
Security man: Thank you jane i will not be not needing your job so you are now fired. I will be discussing your case at the next council of security man.
Jane: ok
*Security man enters the enemy fucking facility and securities all of it. It’s a mess but he’s the man for the job who can put the security in the right way. He gets a call on his security phone*
Head security council man: Security man?
Security man: No..
Head security council man: Ok, thank you for saying the password. Now, I heard you have been saying you are emperor of security you bitch, you shit, this is illegal so you must answer to me. Please come to the next meeting, its happening right now.
Secuiryt man: Ha, never - I will never - I am emperor of -
Head security man: Ok, get over here now.
Security man: ok
Scene 3 - The Council of security Man
*Security man from around the world (good guys) are gathered at the security table. The all look up at a giant screen that says “SECURITY” on it. Each security man stares at the screen and intermittently nods their head and grunts their approval. Head security man walks into the room and stands in front of the screen*
Head Security man: All right now listen up - who here knows what this is? *He points up at the screen. The rest of the group looks off in different directions, a few look nervous. No one speaks up.* Anyone? Anyone want to volunteer and tell me what this is?
*A lone voice of truth calls out, “Security. It says, security.” The famous security man steps forward from the shadows he was standing in for absolutely no reason, because it’s a small room and there’s really no need to hide. He will obey head security man for now, but he has his reasons to doubt...*
Head Security man: You’re goddamn right, it says security.
Other security man, now emboldened: I think it says safety.
Head Security man: You’re goddamn right it says safety.
Another security man, also emboldened: It looks like secretary to me.
Head Security man: You’re goddamn right it says secretary.
Another also security man: It looks like secutational to me
Head security man: You’re goddamn right it says secutational.
First security man, now outside the shadows and standing tall and encouraging the others: You know what I just realized?
Head Security man: You’re doggamn right it realized just you what
*The other secueity man are hooting and hollering and carousing, and grabbing each others clothes by the shoulder because security man is getting hot and showing them all what security looks like*
First security man, slighted by the insult but still moving forward: *Under his breath, but also at full volume* Jane, I smear to god i know this is you in there in the head seurity man’s head and I’ll find my way in to the head of the secuirty council of sceuciry man’s president and get control of it again then we will have full security -- BUT ANYWAY, COUGH, I AM SPEAKING NOW TO ALL OF YOU ABOUT WHAT I REALIZED AND NOT WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT JANE BECAUSE JANE IS NO ONE AND DEFINITELY NOT SOMEONE WITH SECURITY. It is this -- *security man walks to the other side of the table, where the screen is. He points up.* I CANT BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE HAS SEEN THIS. Let’s start at the top: ‘S’. ‘S’ is for security, obviously. Only idiots wouldn’t see that. ‘E’ is for Emergency, I NEED TO GET INTO THE SECURE FACILITY INSIDE YOUR HEAD COMMANDER. Haha, I tell jokes all the time about things and Jane, just kidding, JANE ISNT REAL. ‘M’ is for Mother, as in Mother, I need you to let me into the secure facility inside your bedroom. NO IM NOT OBSESSED - WHAT DO YOU MEAN GET A HOBBY IM KEEPING THE FACILITIES SECURITY AND SECURITY IS FOR THE LIVING!! ‘A’ is for A GODDAMIT JANE YOU ARE INSIDE THE COMMANDER OF SECUIRYTS HEAD AND I WILL GET YOU OUT. Just a little joke about Jane, you know, THE NOBODY. ‘N’ is for NO ONE CAN KEEP ME OUT OF A SECURE FACILITY haha its true. ‘T’ is for TOO SLOW JANE HERE I COME!
*Security man leaps through the air even though the head security man is right next to him.*
Head secuity man: Hey securuty buttdick, guess what it’s me Jane-------------’s daughter, Jane 2! After Jane died yesterday she gave me all the secuity information and now I’m a hacker who can find the all the ways into security so im definitely your worst enemy or so to speak!
Securtity man: This is the day I always dreamed of dreading of happening because its not what i wanted!!!!!! *While still flying through the air, security man takes the time to think out loud so Jane wont hear him because she is not security man. But secuity man doesnt realize that Jane can hear everything he says out loud...*
Security man: And ‘I’ is for I AM GOING TO GET YOU JANE!!! ‘C’ is for COME AND GET ME IF YOU CAN JANE BUT I WILL COME GET YOU IF YOU DONT GET ME! And ‘S’ is for STANDBY FOR SECURIRY - HERE IT COMES!
*Jane 2 easily deflects security man’s security action and security man falls to the ground, broken*
Jane 2: Ha ha. You FOOL! I am owning the head of the security council head security man leader. And now that you have given me the final security codes i can go through with my mother, Jane 1’s, work and end all the security in the world!!!!
*Jane 2 turns to the screen and raises her arms. ‘Semantics” she says with a smile. The room begins to shake and all the other security man who just stood there and didn’t do shit this whole time run out screaming. Security man raises his head as tiny bits of plaster fall on him - it’s really not that bad of a shake, it mostly falls into his security hair and there’s not much actual damage. Someone should fix the shaking because it’s not shaking enough to mean anything except maybe a small earthquake, which is possible. Jane 2 is laughing as the world burns off security. But just as the security zone capacitator reaches 1% it shuts off. Secuity man stands up and has the last laugh, for right now at least, but definitely not the last one in life, for sure.*
Security man: Oh Jane….2. I knew it all along -- but also just now, too. You see, you thought that Jane was your mother, when in fact, she was your mother’s friend….JANE! Looks like she only gave you 99% of the security information! Once again, the world is foiled due to security man and they are all safe so you can thank your children for me. Oh yes, we may lose the secuity of the other 99% but that is just a small part of what the security of the world is.
*On the big screen, giant words are flashing: ‘99% of all security is now not security. Everyone there is dead or wishes they were. To save the security, and I guess the last few people who are actually alive at this point, you must find the last security station. But all the children are dead anyway FYI lol.’*
*Head security man/Jane 2 stands defeated.*
Jane 2: Dammit. I never should have second-guessed security man. Good thing i have one last secuity trick up my sleeve!
*Head security mans head blows up and Jane 2 springs out of it, munching on some of his brain as she flies through the air and floats gracefully out the window that was way up high and that no one could really see, and wasn’t really necessary - I’m not sure why they even had a window because it didn’t let in any light seeing as it was too tinted and that room is top secret so it seems a bit strange that a window would be there, but it was definitely there. As she floats away, she says, “MMMMMMMMmmmmmm” as she chews on the bits of brain because they’re really good, i want to try some too.*
*Security man is beside himself. He can’t believe it.*
Secuity man: DAMMIT JANE! The secret facility! It’s blown up! I’ve...I’ve failed...I’ve never not entered a secret facility system anywhere…
*Security man walks over to the remains of the head of the security man council’s head*
Security man: Well, there’s one way for me to fix this. *Security man stands on top of the exploded head* Ok, great - now I got in to the secure facility its not my fault it was already busted. Someone needs to do better security on that. JANE!!!!! The race is on to find the last 1% of security in the world. Now i must use my security powers as total emperor of all security world security man leader to find the location of the last security station.
*On the big screen, the giant words read: “The clue to the location of the last security station is that the last security station is on the moon. It’s right there like where the moon landings go, so you shouldn’t have any trouble finding it and obtaining security you dumbass.”*
*Up at the high window, Jane 2 reads the words and understands. Security man looks up at her.*
Security man: DAMMIT JANE LET ME INTO THE LAST SECURITY FACILITY STATION!
Jane: Nope. *Jane flies off to the moon*
Security man: *Chuckles* Dammit, Jane...I’ll see you there...where you are flying to right now. Goodbye until then when i found out where you are flying to and then I will find you where that is, which i think will also be the location of the last security fa--oh ok its the moon.
Scene 4: Time for some R&secuRity
*After barely saving the last 1% of security on the world, security man is in dire need of some rest and relax-security-ation before he attempts to stop Jane 2, who has probably already blown up the moon by this point anyway. He heads to a small secure island in the ocean, where only the most secure of security man have access to get into the secure island facility.*
Security man: This is security man, coming in for a landing on my airplane, choo choo, haha please open the secure island facility.
Jane: I’m sorry, mr security man, but I can’t allow you to enter the security island station.
Security man: JANNNNNNNNNNNNE????
Jane: No, I’m sorry you must be confused - I am Jane, Jane’s coworker.
Security man: DAMMIT JANE I MUST ENTER THE SECURE ISLAND FACILITY IN ORDER TO REST BEFORE MY ASSAULT ON THE MOON
Jane: I’m sorry mr security man, but you don’t have the paperwork and rules are rules.
Security man: HERES THE GODDAMN PAPERWORK! *Security man throws a bunch of paper out of his plane and it lands in the water*
Jane: Our ocean paper analysis security system says that this paperwork is not complete, unfortunately. You must return to your security station to get your security paper in order so that you can come back to this security island station.
Security man: DAMMIT JAN IM COMING IN
Jane: It’s Jane, sir - not ‘Jane’. I’m afraid without the proper paperwork you will be rerouted into SECURITY HELL, BiTCH
Security man: DAMMIT JARN I WILL ENTER THIS FACILITY ISLAND *sobbing* Oh Jarn, please Jarn let me in - I NEED TO GET IN I DESERVE TO GET IN. NO, I DEMAND TO GET IN BUT I ALSO DESERVE IT AND NEED IT!
Jane: Mr security man, your words touch my heart for sadness. I will allow you to enter the nonsecurity section of the security island station. It’s a 4 foot by 4 foot piece of garbage that a bunch of seals just shit and barfed on and they’ll keep barfing on you while you are sitting on it, and also shitting on you, and there’s also one other person on it currently, so you’ll have to share.
Security man: DAMMIT JANE I NEED FULL ACCESS NOW! YOU JANES HAVE MADE THE WORLD UNJUST AND I MUST RELECTRIFY IT!
*Security man’s plane has just been going in circles this whole time, right above the secure island station*
Jane: I’m sorry mr security butthead but this is JANE AFTERALL, Jane’s second-in-command-Jane! And now I’m going to blow up your plane and send you to SECURITY HELL. haha fuck you.
Security man: NOOOOO, DAMMIT JANE!! NOT A SECURITY BOMB!!! NOOOOO DONT SEND ME TO SECURITY HELL -- ITS SOMETHING I DONT WANT!!
*Jane blows up security man and his plane, and security man goes to SECURITY HELL*
The Final Chapter - Security man Must Get out of SECURITY HELL and go to the moon
*Fortunately for Security man, it’s a super long time to get from the world to the moon, but oops lol Jane already got there and ended the last 1% of security while he was in SECURITY HELL. SECURITY HELL is nothing but not-security everywhere - it’s horrifying to security man. It’s the normal world that he knows, but WITHOUT SECURITY. NOOOOOO, security man screams over and over. He stands in the middle of the street - very rudely - and screams into the not-security heavens of SECURITY HELL. Sorry, security man - you’re fucked, this is the author speaking by the way.*
Chapter Also-Final Chapter: Post-script
*SECURITY HELL. People everywhere are living without security. It’s a shithole of no-security. People of all shapes and sizes are entering secure locations despite the fact that there is no security so there shouldn’t even be secure locations because security as a concept doesn’t exist here, but also it kinda does because by definition SECURITY HELL is without security, which means there is an opposite place that is defined by security so really everyone is aware of what security is and just doesn’t care. It’s really bad. What a fucking shithole, somebody should do something about it.*
Security man: *weeping, like forever like a little asshole baby* WHY GOD WHY! WHY HAVE YOU LEFT ME HERE? 1-2-3-4 I declare a security world where everyone is security and I am in control of security!! *looks around, still no security* YOU! YOU THERE - YOU NOTHING PERSON OF NO VALUE WITHOUT SECUEITY - WHY ARE YOU ENTERING THAT SECURE FACILITY STATION??? DONT YOU KNOW IT REQUIRES SECURITYYYYYYYY?????
Non-secure person: Nah, fuck you. *The person farts on security man, and the fart is full of non-security which hurts security man’s eyes* Also, I just decided I’m head of security, so now I proclaim that you are not security man so shut up. *he then jacks off extremely well, right on to security man’s head and it gets all over, and its super gross*
*Security man falls to the non-security ground and mewls like a dipshit for a good few minutes and pisses himself, because obviously this is the fault of everyone else and not his own desperate insecurity. After a few years of lying in this position, security man finally has a realization: maybe it doesn’t matter after a- just as security man is having this epiphany, who should arrive but Jane, floating down from the heavens, carrying Jane 2, and her 2nd-in-command, Jane Afterall, and her best friend, Jane. They land carefully on top of security man’s face and body and slowly crush him beneath their feet until he disappears into the non-security ground [“gurgle, urghh,” are security man’s last words as he gets smashed up into his own piss] and was never seen again. Jane, Jane 2, Jane Afterall and Jane all then went about their lives.*