[a-lewd-rat]

I wanted to be different so bad. I tried so hard. I wish I didn't feel like an intruder in every single space I enter. Every individual life I touch feels like I don't belong. I try to get closer and open up and it feels like I'm treated like something dangerous. I just want so badly to belong. I don't know why I'm never allowed to belong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's because there's something wrong with me or if there's just something invisible about me that repulses everyone I meet. Am I embarrassing? Am I dangerous? What's wrong with me? Why won't anyone love me like I want to be loved? Why does everyone leave? Why does everyone push me away? Why can't I just have a home? All i've wanted since I was very very little was to have a home. And in 26 too-long years I still haven't found one. I think I'll still be looking when they put me in the ground. I at least hope my coffin is comfortable. Maybe then I'll finally be a t peace.

[a-lewd-rat]

I think I need to kill off the part of myself that becomes insane about people. It never goes both ways. I make myself smaller every day. I am just like my mother.

[a-lewd-rat]

All of this and none of it matters.

[a-lewd-rat]

I’m going to die in this cage and it’ll be exactly what I deserve.

[a-lewd-rat]

I fucking hate holidays. I wish there were any that didn’t make me feel lonely and miserable. I’d genuinely prefer having holidays erased from existence then watching everyone have fun and do stuff with friends once a month while I’m stuck at home alone and can’t even spend time with the people I usually spend time with because they’re out having fun and I’m stuck isolated in a house in the middle of nowhere. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas, and I fucking despise Halloween. It’s all just miserable.

[a-lewd-rat]

Oh this is worse than the divorce huh.

[a-lewd-rat]

Turns out if I hit myself really hard in the head it makes me less bored.

[a-lewd-rat]

Lonely :[

[a-lewd-rat]

They should invent a dating app where anyone I match with messages me back.

[a-lewd-rat]

I want to cut it off so bad. It would be so easy.

[a-lewd-rat]

I'm really considering just. Disappearing. I think it would be easier.

[a-lewd-rat]

I am so so so happy for the girls who can get bottom surgery. It's a net positive for the world when a girl can get closer to the body she wants. But holy shit ever since my surgery fell through due to insurance every time I see someone mention bottom surgery it makes my chest get all tight and want to cry. With all the bullshit that's happened to me lately I haven't been able to mourn not getting surgery at all but holy shit does it hurt. It feels like I'm never going to be able to get it or that i'll get hurt because I wasn't able to get surgery and I'm just so tired I was *so* close and my stupid fucking insurance just wouldn't cover it despite my doctor telling me that they had. I still have the fucking pictures from the surgeon consult. Every time I see them I want to throw up.

[a-lewd-rat]

I’m not even *trying* to isolate. But no one will fucking talk to me for more than 5 minutes and all the servers I’m in are pretty much miserable. Why is it like this?

[a-lewd-rat]

I'm so fucking lonely.......

[a-lewd-rat]

Realizing I have like 5-8 hours to burn where I won't have anyone to talk to and I have to fight off the despair and dread I'm constantly feeling while wholly alone and without going crazy and killing myself is not fun let me tell you.

[a-lewd-rat]

It really wishes it was in any internet spaces that weren't really miserable to interact with.

[a-lewd-rat]

The internet is so fucking miserable to use, man.